Did NOT want to get out of bed, out from my warm blanket this morning, not at all.
Walked to radiation. I was reminded of living in NYC while walking to the hospital today. I remember when i first moved there. I was in such awe. Everything was fast and busy. Large buildings and crowded sidewalks. If you didnt walk fast and in a fairly straight line you could get bumped around. I quickly learned how to walk with speed and be able to weave in and out of crowds. It became a skill to maneuver my way to the subways and to my destinations. When i had to be at a catering gig, you couldnt be late. Today I was finding the pedestrian traffic especially busy for a small city. I had to decide whether or not i wanted to walk fast to pass someone or slow down to stay behind a person. I walk fast, so i usually pass people.
Yesterday i forgot to mention that i saw the nurse and doctor for my weekly check in appt. The nurse checked the area, and weighed me. She was going to leave but casually asked if i had started any new meds. I said i didnt know what she had listed. I told her one that i had started over a month ago, she didnt have that one listed. She then sat back down and listed off what she had for meds. Come to find out there were meds listed there that i had been taking during my chemotherapy treatments. Its been a month and a half since i've been on most of them. Good thing we straightened that out. Thats how organized they are at my new hospital.
Lesson learned......advocate for yourself!
I then saw the radiologist that i just love......yeah right. He comes in and shakes my hand. We've met 2 other times. He asks if i have any questions and checks the area as well. He tells me i may get a blister on one area or a couple of areas before i'm finished but not to worry cuz it will all get better once i'm finished with radiation. ok.....
Today i saw Mr A again. He's so sweet. He brought me a card. Very thoughtful. My mom showed up as well, to give me a ride home and let me use the car to go buy some groceries. I dropped her off and raced back home. I had two young girls coming over to clean my apartment. A woman who owns three businesses, one of them being a cleaning company, offered to give me some free cleaning. She is a cancer survivor as well, going on four years i believe. She helps people in treatment a couple hours a week. My place has been getting way behind in the clean department. I've never had cleaners come by before. I had heard of people wanting to clean before cleaners come over and i thought that was funny, but i was finding myself doing just that. I was making sure the litterbox was cleaned out and dishes done.
I met them and went food shopping while they cleaned. When i got back i was hit head on with a strong cleaning smell. Floor cleaner apparently. I just opened the windows and turned on a fan, that seems to be helping. They did a good job and it feels great to have a clean place. Now all i need to do is organize.
Grocery shopping wore me out for sure. I'm going to go rest and then bring back my moms car later tonight.....
Only 13 more to go!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Day Nineteen
Chilly morning, brrrrr, fall is here for sure.
My landlord hasnt turned on the heat yet, and with my a/c still in my window, it gets a bit cold in my small apartment. I'm hoping I can get some help from one of my burly men friends to help me put the a/c in storage soon.
Walked to treatment, beautiful sunny day. I'm at the point where if it was hot out i may go without a scarf on, but right now its a bit too cold. Not sure i feel as comfortable with the short doo just yet, hasnt quite filled in all the way. Probably in a couple of weeks i can show off the new me., at least the new me with some hair.
Apparently they are not radiating my back anymore, only the node and breast area. The last week will be what they call the "boost" time, where they will be focused only on the incision area, just in case no cancer is still lurking near the surface of my skin. When they cut into me during surgery they could have dragged some cancer cells with the instruments. They want to do extra treatments in that area. I've heard some people are out for the count that last week, pretty heavy doses.
I had three techs today working with me. The new guy was back but luckily not overpowered with cologne. I closed my eyes and relaxed mostly, very tired today.
There was a volunteer waiting in the waiting area when i finished up. He's very cheery and likes to talk alot, uplifting energy. I wasnt able to sit and chat today, needed to get home.
Pulling a muscle in my back yesterday makes things a bit more challenging. I need to do laundry and clean up a bit but its not going to happen today. I am learning to do what i can and not to worry so much about the rest. I just wish i was up to cooking better meals lately.
Maybe i'll be up for cooking tomorrow
14 more to go!
My landlord hasnt turned on the heat yet, and with my a/c still in my window, it gets a bit cold in my small apartment. I'm hoping I can get some help from one of my burly men friends to help me put the a/c in storage soon.
Walked to treatment, beautiful sunny day. I'm at the point where if it was hot out i may go without a scarf on, but right now its a bit too cold. Not sure i feel as comfortable with the short doo just yet, hasnt quite filled in all the way. Probably in a couple of weeks i can show off the new me., at least the new me with some hair.
Apparently they are not radiating my back anymore, only the node and breast area. The last week will be what they call the "boost" time, where they will be focused only on the incision area, just in case no cancer is still lurking near the surface of my skin. When they cut into me during surgery they could have dragged some cancer cells with the instruments. They want to do extra treatments in that area. I've heard some people are out for the count that last week, pretty heavy doses.
I had three techs today working with me. The new guy was back but luckily not overpowered with cologne. I closed my eyes and relaxed mostly, very tired today.
There was a volunteer waiting in the waiting area when i finished up. He's very cheery and likes to talk alot, uplifting energy. I wasnt able to sit and chat today, needed to get home.
Pulling a muscle in my back yesterday makes things a bit more challenging. I need to do laundry and clean up a bit but its not going to happen today. I am learning to do what i can and not to worry so much about the rest. I just wish i was up to cooking better meals lately.
Maybe i'll be up for cooking tomorrow
14 more to go!
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Day Eighteen
Posting late again....
Friday was a pretty good day, at least the first part.
My friend Nancy came here from NH thursday afternoon and stayed the night. We had some yummy food from the local organic market nicknamed whole wallet. I had to get some dessert as well. I got some chocolate gelato, reminded me of my time in Italy. so many interesting flavors to choose from. We watched a movie and had a relaxing evening. In the morning Nancy came with me to my radiation treatment. No walking for me, we had her car. It was a nice break i must say. Before we left, however, we walked to the little coffee shop nearby and then walked down to the ocean, lovely morning.
We got to the hospital a few minutes late but nothing horrible. I saw Mr A there, I was glad to see him and happy Nancy had got to meet him. I got changed and then Nancy and I went into the chamber. Miss V and R were more than happy to show Nancy the machine and how it works etc. Miss V seemed especially eager to teach Nancy like she had been teaching the student the other day. R seemed a bit annoyed, saying that Nancy now knows more than I do about my treatments. Nancy was definitely impressed with how it all worked, how precise it all is. She told me that when i was getting the doses, she would watch me on the monitors and also watch this cool computer graphic going on of me in real time, she said it was 3-D and showed the lines of where exactly the radiation was hitting and made sure that the areas treated didnt overlap. I wish i could see it. Maybe there will be a patient who wouldnt mind me watching while they get their treatments and i'll check it out.
Nancy got to gab with Mr A a bit while i applied lotion and got dressed. Mr A has lots of stories to tell.
After we left the hospital Nancy needed to get home to work. she dropped me off at the library and we said our goodbyes. I found i was practically sleepwalking through the stacks of books and videos. My eyes were struggling to stay open and i couldnt stop yawning. The treatment hit me hard that morning.
I had to take a bus home due to my exhaustion.
I got home and crashed out for quite a while. Fridays are the toughest it seems. I felt ill that night and just relaxed.
I got some confirmation recently from my mom. She said a man she casually knows, told her that his wife pretty much sailed through her chemo treatments but was floored by the radiation. I guess its not just me.
Today, sunday, i tried to bring some books and things downstairs to add to the sidewalk sale my neighbor was having and found i didnt have it in me. luckily a friend of my neighbors helped me carry things down. Thank you neighbor friend! I sat out front for a couple of hours, only sold a few things, then started to feel nauseous and not too well, came on all of a sudden. guess i pushed it a bit. I took some things back up stairs, but left most of it for my neighbor to sell for herself. I had also walked to a bakery, i used to work at years ago, early this morning. I had a craving for a brioche roll. Been years since i had had one. yum!
I feel i'm doing more things that i used to deny myself from, like buying that brioche roll, or getting that gelato, or walking somewhere i havent been in a long time. I try to go with my instincts or impulses lately, even if it seems silly. I know from reading peoples experiences or speaking with people with cancer that your health and how you live can change in a matter of moments, you never know if you'll have the chance to do those little things you think you'll do another time. You never know.
Only 15 more to go!
Friday was a pretty good day, at least the first part.
My friend Nancy came here from NH thursday afternoon and stayed the night. We had some yummy food from the local organic market nicknamed whole wallet. I had to get some dessert as well. I got some chocolate gelato, reminded me of my time in Italy. so many interesting flavors to choose from. We watched a movie and had a relaxing evening. In the morning Nancy came with me to my radiation treatment. No walking for me, we had her car. It was a nice break i must say. Before we left, however, we walked to the little coffee shop nearby and then walked down to the ocean, lovely morning.
We got to the hospital a few minutes late but nothing horrible. I saw Mr A there, I was glad to see him and happy Nancy had got to meet him. I got changed and then Nancy and I went into the chamber. Miss V and R were more than happy to show Nancy the machine and how it works etc. Miss V seemed especially eager to teach Nancy like she had been teaching the student the other day. R seemed a bit annoyed, saying that Nancy now knows more than I do about my treatments. Nancy was definitely impressed with how it all worked, how precise it all is. She told me that when i was getting the doses, she would watch me on the monitors and also watch this cool computer graphic going on of me in real time, she said it was 3-D and showed the lines of where exactly the radiation was hitting and made sure that the areas treated didnt overlap. I wish i could see it. Maybe there will be a patient who wouldnt mind me watching while they get their treatments and i'll check it out.
Nancy got to gab with Mr A a bit while i applied lotion and got dressed. Mr A has lots of stories to tell.
After we left the hospital Nancy needed to get home to work. she dropped me off at the library and we said our goodbyes. I found i was practically sleepwalking through the stacks of books and videos. My eyes were struggling to stay open and i couldnt stop yawning. The treatment hit me hard that morning.
I had to take a bus home due to my exhaustion.
I got home and crashed out for quite a while. Fridays are the toughest it seems. I felt ill that night and just relaxed.
I got some confirmation recently from my mom. She said a man she casually knows, told her that his wife pretty much sailed through her chemo treatments but was floored by the radiation. I guess its not just me.
Today, sunday, i tried to bring some books and things downstairs to add to the sidewalk sale my neighbor was having and found i didnt have it in me. luckily a friend of my neighbors helped me carry things down. Thank you neighbor friend! I sat out front for a couple of hours, only sold a few things, then started to feel nauseous and not too well, came on all of a sudden. guess i pushed it a bit. I took some things back up stairs, but left most of it for my neighbor to sell for herself. I had also walked to a bakery, i used to work at years ago, early this morning. I had a craving for a brioche roll. Been years since i had had one. yum!
I feel i'm doing more things that i used to deny myself from, like buying that brioche roll, or getting that gelato, or walking somewhere i havent been in a long time. I try to go with my instincts or impulses lately, even if it seems silly. I know from reading peoples experiences or speaking with people with cancer that your health and how you live can change in a matter of moments, you never know if you'll have the chance to do those little things you think you'll do another time. You never know.
Only 15 more to go!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Day Seventeen
Posting a bit late....
Walked to the hospital yesterday. Mr A was back to visit. Apparently he was busy volunteering elsewhere. He works at a lodge-like place, answering calls and running the place from time to time. Mr A is about 85 years old or older I found out. Still drives and very active for his age and what he's been through. He told me another story. One time he got a call from one of the nurses at the hospital, they told him that there was a lady that refused to go into the chamber for her treatments. She needed to speak with Mr A first. He drove into the hospital and about 25 minutes later arrived there. He had never met her before. She told him that a friend of hers told her that Mr A would answer any questions she had and he would ease her worries about it all. So he consoled her and told her things would be ok and so on....she then went in for her treatment. So sweet. He really does have an effect on people. I had told him i was worried about him and it was good to see him back.
Theres a new guy getting treatments right before me. I'm not the first one of the day anymore. He'll be getting treatments after i'm finished with mine.
I'm starting to get shooting pains in the area thats being treated now. The itching has started too. I'll have to get some ointment for that as well. Its that itching that you cant scratch and drives you nuts. The more you think about it the worse it feels.
I couldnt make it to the community center yesterday, not feeling well at all. I rested most of the afternoon.
I'm half way there now!
Only 16 more to go!
Walked to the hospital yesterday. Mr A was back to visit. Apparently he was busy volunteering elsewhere. He works at a lodge-like place, answering calls and running the place from time to time. Mr A is about 85 years old or older I found out. Still drives and very active for his age and what he's been through. He told me another story. One time he got a call from one of the nurses at the hospital, they told him that there was a lady that refused to go into the chamber for her treatments. She needed to speak with Mr A first. He drove into the hospital and about 25 minutes later arrived there. He had never met her before. She told him that a friend of hers told her that Mr A would answer any questions she had and he would ease her worries about it all. So he consoled her and told her things would be ok and so on....she then went in for her treatment. So sweet. He really does have an effect on people. I had told him i was worried about him and it was good to see him back.
Theres a new guy getting treatments right before me. I'm not the first one of the day anymore. He'll be getting treatments after i'm finished with mine.
I'm starting to get shooting pains in the area thats being treated now. The itching has started too. I'll have to get some ointment for that as well. Its that itching that you cant scratch and drives you nuts. The more you think about it the worse it feels.
I couldnt make it to the community center yesterday, not feeling well at all. I rested most of the afternoon.
I'm half way there now!
Only 16 more to go!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Day Fifteen
Cloudy, misty rain kinda day today.
I walked to the hospital. On my walk there I saw a family that i sometimes see, waiting for the bus with other children. They are a family from, i believe, Somalia. They have their beautiful scarves and dresses on, I wouldnt call them Berkas but maybe they are called that, not sure. There was a little girl maybe 4 years old, leaning against a woman, maybe her mom. She saw me and followed my gaze as i walked by. I smiled at her and she had this look of wonder on her face.
I would have loved to know what she was thinking. I was a white woman wearing a blue scarf on her head, maybe she noticed me more due to that? Maybe she was curious if I was Muslim or not. Everyone around her was dark skinned and brown eyes, maybe i looked funny with my blue eyes and head scarf? Such a look of innocence.
I came across a sad discovery when i was almost to the hospital. There was a dead yellow bird on the sidewalk. I so wanted to cradle the bird and find a place to bury it. I was running late for my appointment and with my immune system not as strong as i'd like it to be, i thought against it. I just said a little prayer for the bird and kept walking. I wondered if the stray cat i've been seeing was the one who killed it. It was right around the place where i see the cat from time to time.
Appropriate somehow that i saw the dead bird on 9/11. On a cloudy cool day, this bright yellow birds' light went out.
Its a day of remembrance for those who died but also for those who lived and who are still grieving their loss.
Back to radiation. I felt pretty awful last night. Flu like symptoms. I was asked if i wouldnt mind if a male student observed the process today. I said I had no strong opinions either way, and it was fine. I got to hear some of the teaching that was going on. Learned a bit myself. As I left I said goodbye to the nice nurse and nurse C didnt even look up from her computer to acknowledge me, nothing new there.
I ended up walking home due to not wanting to wait for the bus. Lots of walking today, good for me. Now i'm resting.
Only 18 more to go!
I walked to the hospital. On my walk there I saw a family that i sometimes see, waiting for the bus with other children. They are a family from, i believe, Somalia. They have their beautiful scarves and dresses on, I wouldnt call them Berkas but maybe they are called that, not sure. There was a little girl maybe 4 years old, leaning against a woman, maybe her mom. She saw me and followed my gaze as i walked by. I smiled at her and she had this look of wonder on her face.
I would have loved to know what she was thinking. I was a white woman wearing a blue scarf on her head, maybe she noticed me more due to that? Maybe she was curious if I was Muslim or not. Everyone around her was dark skinned and brown eyes, maybe i looked funny with my blue eyes and head scarf? Such a look of innocence.
I came across a sad discovery when i was almost to the hospital. There was a dead yellow bird on the sidewalk. I so wanted to cradle the bird and find a place to bury it. I was running late for my appointment and with my immune system not as strong as i'd like it to be, i thought against it. I just said a little prayer for the bird and kept walking. I wondered if the stray cat i've been seeing was the one who killed it. It was right around the place where i see the cat from time to time.
Appropriate somehow that i saw the dead bird on 9/11. On a cloudy cool day, this bright yellow birds' light went out.
Its a day of remembrance for those who died but also for those who lived and who are still grieving their loss.
Back to radiation. I felt pretty awful last night. Flu like symptoms. I was asked if i wouldnt mind if a male student observed the process today. I said I had no strong opinions either way, and it was fine. I got to hear some of the teaching that was going on. Learned a bit myself. As I left I said goodbye to the nice nurse and nurse C didnt even look up from her computer to acknowledge me, nothing new there.
I ended up walking home due to not wanting to wait for the bus. Lots of walking today, good for me. Now i'm resting.
Only 18 more to go!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Day Fourteen
Running late this morning
As i was showering i thought about how i was grateful for the hair in my drain catch. Seems like an odd thing to be grateful for right? If you go for months without much, if any, hair and if you are used to pulling out hair from your water drain then suddenly you dont, you tend to notice when all of a sudden the water is building up in the tub. It was only a small amount of hair but hair still. My life seems to be coming back to some sort of normalcy. My eyebrows and lashes are filling in, theres even hair on my arms and legs, not much, but some. I know women out there would say that they wished they didnt have hair to shave weekly. I thought i'd be the same. I know I saved money on shampoo and take short showers and all that, but i have to say i'm glad to have some hair back. It means my body is still working and regenerating cells, its still alive! I know that some people have had so much chemo and other drugs over and over that their hair may never grow back, so i feel lucky that mine is coming back, even if it took a while to do so.
I took a bus to the hospital today due to running late. When i got there the nurse wasnt at her usual station and one of the techs, miss V, was looking a bit frantic. She told me that she had had a crazy morning already. people calling in and things happening. oh boy..... When i got into the chamber i noticed another man i hadnt met before, Mr J, he seemed nice, said he was bouncing from other hospitals. R wasnt there again today, doctors appt, and Mr L wasnt there. Mr. J had on some strong body spray or cologne, my throat was closing up. I wanted to say that he may want to not wear so much due to some peoples allergies and when you are on chemo you can get especially sensitive to smells. I'm sure i'm not the only one who is super sensitive. But i didnt say anything.
I really noticed the loud buzzing today. Sometimes I can just tune it out, but today the noises were especially bothersome. I just reminded myself of the MRI machine and how much worse that is.
I saw a new Radiologist today and first saw a new nurse, i'd seen her around but never had dealings with her in a professional way. She was very nice, i was pleasantly surprised. I asked her if the one man doc i had seen was the one that was leaving , i had heard one of the radiologists were leaving the hospital....and she said no, that it was the woman i was about to see, Mrs. T, She said everyone is upset about her leaving. I got the feeling it was more personal and maybe she would have preferred the man to leave as much as i did. When the woman doc came in she seemed rushed and a bit stressed, but i liked her much better than the other two docs i have met. Of course i find a doc i like and they are leaving. With any luck maybe she wont leave for a month, then i'll be finished with my treatment anyway. She noticed that i was red and was starting to have a rash on one area. She told me to use more gooey ointment and that the redness and swelling would get worse. Great. The swelling and healing from the treatments wont be better for one to two months after treatment is over. So by thanksgiving I may be feeling better. I'll have something to be grateful for. One of many things. This doctor explained things to me without me having to ask and she was very professional, didnt treat me like a number or like i didnt know what i was talking about. Nice change. It wasnt like she was all smiles or warm and fuzzy, in fact she didnt smile once, but the fact that she spent some time with me and treated me with some respect is huge right now. Too bad shes leaving. When I left, i noticed nurse C was at the desk, I said goodbye to the other nurse as i walked by and nurse C said a annoyed "oh bye" without even looking up at me, but the other nurse looked up and smiled. What a difference.
I ended up walking home since i hadnt walked there. It felt good to do so, even though i had the hill to climb. I was still thinking how lucky i was to be able to do that, to walk uphill at a fast pace. So many times i wasnt able to do that.
On my way home something magical happened. At least i thought it was magical. I noticed a feather come down from the sky, pointed end going downward, spiraling towards the ground. Not floating or blowing in the wind, it was dropping down. I realized that the feather had just left the bird it had been attached to. If i had thought quick enough i could have reached out and grabbed it out of the air. i could have had this feather that had never touched the ground. I dont know why but it was a lovely moment, to see the feather appear in front of me.
Only 19 more to go!
As i was showering i thought about how i was grateful for the hair in my drain catch. Seems like an odd thing to be grateful for right? If you go for months without much, if any, hair and if you are used to pulling out hair from your water drain then suddenly you dont, you tend to notice when all of a sudden the water is building up in the tub. It was only a small amount of hair but hair still. My life seems to be coming back to some sort of normalcy. My eyebrows and lashes are filling in, theres even hair on my arms and legs, not much, but some. I know women out there would say that they wished they didnt have hair to shave weekly. I thought i'd be the same. I know I saved money on shampoo and take short showers and all that, but i have to say i'm glad to have some hair back. It means my body is still working and regenerating cells, its still alive! I know that some people have had so much chemo and other drugs over and over that their hair may never grow back, so i feel lucky that mine is coming back, even if it took a while to do so.
I took a bus to the hospital today due to running late. When i got there the nurse wasnt at her usual station and one of the techs, miss V, was looking a bit frantic. She told me that she had had a crazy morning already. people calling in and things happening. oh boy..... When i got into the chamber i noticed another man i hadnt met before, Mr J, he seemed nice, said he was bouncing from other hospitals. R wasnt there again today, doctors appt, and Mr L wasnt there. Mr. J had on some strong body spray or cologne, my throat was closing up. I wanted to say that he may want to not wear so much due to some peoples allergies and when you are on chemo you can get especially sensitive to smells. I'm sure i'm not the only one who is super sensitive. But i didnt say anything.
I really noticed the loud buzzing today. Sometimes I can just tune it out, but today the noises were especially bothersome. I just reminded myself of the MRI machine and how much worse that is.
I saw a new Radiologist today and first saw a new nurse, i'd seen her around but never had dealings with her in a professional way. She was very nice, i was pleasantly surprised. I asked her if the one man doc i had seen was the one that was leaving , i had heard one of the radiologists were leaving the hospital....and she said no, that it was the woman i was about to see, Mrs. T, She said everyone is upset about her leaving. I got the feeling it was more personal and maybe she would have preferred the man to leave as much as i did. When the woman doc came in she seemed rushed and a bit stressed, but i liked her much better than the other two docs i have met. Of course i find a doc i like and they are leaving. With any luck maybe she wont leave for a month, then i'll be finished with my treatment anyway. She noticed that i was red and was starting to have a rash on one area. She told me to use more gooey ointment and that the redness and swelling would get worse. Great. The swelling and healing from the treatments wont be better for one to two months after treatment is over. So by thanksgiving I may be feeling better. I'll have something to be grateful for. One of many things. This doctor explained things to me without me having to ask and she was very professional, didnt treat me like a number or like i didnt know what i was talking about. Nice change. It wasnt like she was all smiles or warm and fuzzy, in fact she didnt smile once, but the fact that she spent some time with me and treated me with some respect is huge right now. Too bad shes leaving. When I left, i noticed nurse C was at the desk, I said goodbye to the other nurse as i walked by and nurse C said a annoyed "oh bye" without even looking up at me, but the other nurse looked up and smiled. What a difference.
I ended up walking home since i hadnt walked there. It felt good to do so, even though i had the hill to climb. I was still thinking how lucky i was to be able to do that, to walk uphill at a fast pace. So many times i wasnt able to do that.
On my way home something magical happened. At least i thought it was magical. I noticed a feather come down from the sky, pointed end going downward, spiraling towards the ground. Not floating or blowing in the wind, it was dropping down. I realized that the feather had just left the bird it had been attached to. If i had thought quick enough i could have reached out and grabbed it out of the air. i could have had this feather that had never touched the ground. I dont know why but it was a lovely moment, to see the feather appear in front of me.
Only 19 more to go!
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