Tolerance for Pain

I'm feeling much better today. My mood has shifted. It's sunny out and its a new day!

Yesterday I had a "first" time experience, ....no not sex....get your mind out of the gutter.....my first waxing experience. It may be my last.

I was offered a free first time waxing appointment from a really nice woman who is part owner of a salon/spa locally. I was discussing with her how i'm grateful my hair is finally coming back but its coming back in places i'd rather not have hair, or so much of it anyway. My face was the biggest complaint. Luckily i have light blonde hair on my face so its not as noticeable, except to me and in certain lights. I was feeling so self conscious about it. i didnt think i'd care so much but maybe since i have short hair there's more focus on my face?

In any case, i decided i'd take her up on her nice offer of a free waxing. I wanted to have the experience anyway. At least i thought i did. Some things i realize you don't always have to experience. Torture, eating pigs brains, hiking Mt Everest, you get the idea. I may add waxing to my list of things i don't need to do a second time.

I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, certain types of pain. I've dislocated my knee over 6 times on one knee and one time on the other. The kind of thing where i had to knock it back into place myself. I've had gynecological pains that i wont get into, that were similar to having a baby. I've had many types of pain., surgeries, injuries. Its the sudden extreme pain that I don't do well with. I could never be a boxer. Its the assault feeling my body goes through when its out of the blue kind of pain. I crumble when that happens.

I forgot to warn the woman who was torturing me that i may cry, and that its just a reflex kind of reaction and not to worry about it. She tried the sly kind of approach where she'd ask me a question, get me talking, then ripppppppppp the sheet of paper and wax off my face. I don't like the sly approach. I want to be warned when you are going to inflict major pain on me! It felt like she had slapped me on my face, hard, and out of the blue. Very jarring. After ripping most of my face off on one side, she left the room to get a warm towel to wipe the wax and what felt like blood, off my face. When she was gone i felt the tears welling up. I hadn't cried in some time, so i knew i was due. I tried to hold the tears back. When she came back in i let them out, the tears flowed. I was embarrassed and tried to supress them. My body wasnt cooperating.

The woman was very sweet about it and asked if i needed anything. I couldnt talk, i wanted to go to the bathroom and get it together, but i couldnt move. Finally i was able to talk and told her i'd been under some stress lately etc.... she told me that lots of people cry during waxing, and that she's cried too. She mentioned how she wont get a bikini waxing anymore, its too much for her. I wont even go there about that!

I needed the release apparently, so it was a good thing, just not the place i wanted to do some releasing at.

It got me thinking about torture and pain, inflicting pain, or volunteering to receive painful treatments.

Why do we do these silly things to ourselves? For beauty? So other people will find us attractive? I suppose its also about liking what we see in the mirror. I see so many people getting plastic surgery and going through painful procedures.

I don't want to judge them, i am just wondering about it all. How did that all start? Who planted that "seed" into our brains that says we need to look a certain way in order to be accepted in our own minds and in others?

I walked home and had this horrible image in my mind of bikini waxing. No way, no how, no thank you!

I will be offline until next week sometime, having my computer upgraded so i can use my new Nano my friend Dan gave me. I'll be going into withdrawals......so i'll be writing again when i can.....stay tuned!

Losing Faith

What happened to the great feeling i had not too long ago? I was feelin' good, had lots of energy, very positive, optimistic.

Today, i'm feeling very blah and losing faith. I don't want to be this way, i really don't.

Maybe the "holding on" i've been doing for so long is finally catching up to me? I'm worn out, tired of being stressed out, tired of trying to make up my mind on this crazy decision, tired of so many things.

I have fear all around me and its closing in. Every pain i have i think its the cancer coming back. I've been having shooting pains in my breast,....my scarred, burned, cut, dyed, swollen breast.

I know i have so much to be grateful for. I'm just not feeling it today. I'm just tired.

Theres no place like home...

I feel like i'm locked in the wicked witches room, staring at the hour glass, watching time fade away.

The suspense is more real than some movie you can turn off or walk away from. I'm in it.

I went to a yoga class, but its not really a yoga class. There is more talking than actual yoga taking place. I wanted to process things but i didnt get a chance to talk. Nothing was going as i had planned that day. I was irritable and impatient. My tolerance level is very low right now. Stress had taken over. I am aware of it but yet fall into its trap. why do we do that? Stress seems to be yet another addiction humans can create for themselves and crave in some way.

Have you ever met someone who seems to always have some drama in their lives? I believe we pull that energy towards us and the more we stress about being stressed only makes it worse.

My knee hurting and my body reacting to the stress is its way of saying STOP! NOW! not later after......or after.......no, now!

So, i'm taking some time, some down time. Very challenging. I'm trying not to talk to others about my decision and trying not to think about it all the time.

Ok, so i did some more research online today, but only about an hours worth if that. The rest of the rainy day i did some knitting, cleaned some of my bathroom, organized a bit, read. I tried to distract but not only in one way, i wanted to mix it up a bit.

I definitely noticed a difference in my stress level.

I'm also trying to challenge myself to not go immediately to sugar or comfort foods.

Can't i just click my heels and say "theres no place like home...", and be gone from this situation?

Want to throw a tantrum

Been pretty stressed out lately.

I don't want to make my decision about hormone therapy, hysterectomy etc....

Just dont want to, period!

I want a year off, then decide. My Oncologist of course strongly advises against waiting. I moved my appointment to November 8th.

I want more time to think about this, get more data. I also heard Mercury is in retrograde, and everybody knows you shouldnt make big decisions during that time, right? well, not everyone knows this. I'm using it as a reason to delay my decision making date. Next i'll say that my palm reader says i cant make any decisions for a year. I do believe in palm reading and psychics and astrologers. There are a lot of fakes out there too, like with anything.

The point is i want time, i want to be able to stop time for a while, have some fun, live my life. I know if i go on drugs and if i have an operation, maybe the fun wont necessarily stop, but the chances are good that its going to be tough for a while.

I know i should be grateful, so many people out there are fighting as i type this, just to live another day, they would be grateful to be having my so called problems. I finally feel better than i've felt in literally years and i'm being asked to alter that drastically and maybe for a long long time!
NOOOOOO!

My body is not happy with me either, its telling me to slow down and be good to myself. I'm eating lots of unhealthy foods, mostly sugary foods. Not good for fighting off cancer. I am an emotional eater for sure. I get stressed and i go for ice cream, pastries, chocolate. That only adds to the stress and anxiety. My knee is upset as well. I am now on the couch with it propped up. I had to limp to my appointment today, wasnt sure i was going to make it. I had wrapped it up with an ace bandage, but that doesnt really do anything. I had to take two buses and walk part way. I just want to hide my head under the covers and not come out.

My head is a swirling vortex of data, numbers, side effects, risks, fears. Its amazing how one day you can feel happy and energetic and the next its doomsday.

I also got some sad news. A friend of the family who lived in England passed away a few days a go, Mary. She was so sweet to me when my boyfriend died and i went over there to see his grave. I had stayed with her for a few days on my travels about England. She had lost her husband Hugh a while before I stayed with her. Mary had had breast cancer about 20-30 or so years ago, she had taken a drug i am considering taking, and her doctor told her that the recent recurrence of ovarian cancer was probably due to the medication she had taken. She lost the battle this time. She was a sweet sweet lady and she'll be missed.

There seems to be so much fear and death around me lately. I know there is beauty as well. Its just hard to see through the black slime sometimes.

Its like going through a car wash with those octopus like washers, engulfing you and surrounding, suffocating you, but if you just hold your breath you can make it out to the sunlight again. I'm still holding my breath.

Pea Soup

It is incredibly foggy out right now. My mind knows there are other buildings and trees beyond what i can see, but my eyes only see the house next door and the tree in front of it. The rest is white.

It is fitting for my mood lately. I know I need to "go inward", become introspective. My mind is wanting a different plan. My mind is racing and incredibly busy trying to work out what my next move should be. So much information swirling about my head, details .....details.....details......

driving me nuts

I got a cold yesterday. First one all year. I've been so careful when i was on chemo and radiation, surgery etc... didn't get sick once, only sick from treatments, that was enough.

when a person who has had cancer gets sick, it becomes a bit more concerning than if i had gotten sick before cancer. Theres always this worry in the back of my mind that if this is a really bad cold it could put me in the hospital if my immune system cant handle it. I'm sure i'll be fine, its just the worrier part of me stepping up.

I know its a combination of being on a full bus with coughing and sneezing people going to NH, stress and not sleeping/eating as well that made me sick. Also the worrying i'm constantly doing. I am trying to take some time to be still and listen, to quiet my mind. I'm resisting. I want to avoid and escape. I really don't want to make any decisions about hormone therapy, hysterectomy, or any other decisions right now. I want to have fun and relax. My oncologist is pushing me to make a decision soon. The protocol is to get onto some sort of drug therapy a few weeks after radiation is finished. That would be right about now.

grrrrrrrrr........

i want to throw a tantrum and not do anything, kick my feet, pound my hands on the floor and scream at the top of my lungs! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm finally feeling better than i've felt in years, and now I'm being asked to change that.

I've always been a stubborn person. I want to do things my way. My mom told me some stories of how she'd try to pick out clothes for me when i was little and i refused. I would put the most odd combinations of clothes together and was perfectly happy with my decisions. I'm not happy with not doing a thing, i'm not happy about any of the choices presented to me right now.

What to do?

I need some more time. I will try to allow some quiet time and listen to what my body tells me. I've been praying to whomever will listen out there. I would appreciated some guidance.

On a different note.......

I had a wonderful experience while walking down my friends dirt road in NH. It was about 7a.m. The sun had come out, it was chilly but crisp, clean air. Quiet. Birds waking up. Mist coming off of the pond and grass. I saw a face with big ears looking at me in a field. It was a good sized buck, he seemed young. maybe a teenager? He had antlers but not filled in, still had some white on his chest. Majestic. I stopped in the road and we just stared at each other for minutes. I could have stood there for ever. I wanted to send him love and an understanding that I wasnt an enemy.

It was a peaceful, beautiful moment.

Celebrate! Celebrate!

This week has been a bit of a blur, but in a good way! Very busy.

I have been behind with my emails and phone calls. I've been running around with appointments and having fun, with no time for anything else. I deserve a fun week, for sure! I did deal with some business as well, going over my options for the next step in my treatment. I still havent decided yet, what path to go down. Next week i'll be more focused on my research and making some sort of decision.

I just wish i could have a year off before i decide anything. I don't really have that luxury. I suppose i could take some time off, but it would be against my doctors recommendations.

I want to throw a tantrum and not do anything. I finally feel more myself. I'm not sure when the last time I felt this good, in some ways, was. Even before my cancer diagnosis.

I don't want the good feelings to go away. If I make a decision things will change, maybe temporarily, but it will change.

On a lighter note. I had a blast at a fund raiser for Live2Thrive, Live pronounced like give. Its a new group for young cancer survivors from ages 18-45 or so. The group is through the Cancer Community Center. So the benefit was at a bar called Una. They are known for their good martinis. The picture of me is at Unas with my first martini in almost a year. Yummy! The band was awesome, Rustic Overtones, thanks guys! I had two friends come up from NH and my step sister went too. Fun times!

I met a guy there that had done 3 tours in the military. One to Sudan/Darfur, One to Baghdad, and one to Fallujah. He looked fairly young and told me he is going back and he "loves it!". Wow. I felt very sad after speaking with him. His face changed when he started telling me about how we are so sheltered over here, that the media waters down the truth. He also mentioned how troupes have been going over to Korea for some time now, getting ready for another possible war. Who knows if thats true, but it wouldnt surprise me if we (USA) went after Korea or Iran next. .......Sigh......I don't understand how a young man can say that he loves it over where there is so much hate and violence. How can war be glamorized? I don't understand it.

Friday night I went to a party for my friend Matt, Happy Birthday Matt! Good food, good company! I wish i had had energy to play ping pong with the kids. I used to love to play that when i was young. I remember there being a ping pong table in the family den. I dont have a lot of memories of my young life, but thats one of them.

Friday day i had been down town, took a bus. It was absolutely pouring out, all day. Streets were flooding, drains clogging, skies opened up. On the bus there was only one other woman sitting near the driver. Shes a regular rider who knows the driver. They were singing old songs, it was really nice. Pouring rain, windows all fogged up, with singing. On my way home, i walked quite a way, getting more and more soaked. After a while it doesnt seem to matter that i have an umbrella. I just laughed and started singing, "I'm singing in the rain...." it makes no sense to be upset or irritated. I'm glad i could laugh about it.

I believe everyone should sing in the rain at least once in their lifetime, its very cleansing for the soul.

Yummy Mochatini at Unas