Posting a bit late....
Walked to the hospital yesterday. Mr A was back to visit. Apparently he was busy volunteering elsewhere. He works at a lodge-like place, answering calls and running the place from time to time. Mr A is about 85 years old or older I found out. Still drives and very active for his age and what he's been through. He told me another story. One time he got a call from one of the nurses at the hospital, they told him that there was a lady that refused to go into the chamber for her treatments. She needed to speak with Mr A first. He drove into the hospital and about 25 minutes later arrived there. He had never met her before. She told him that a friend of hers told her that Mr A would answer any questions she had and he would ease her worries about it all. So he consoled her and told her things would be ok and so on....she then went in for her treatment. So sweet. He really does have an effect on people. I had told him i was worried about him and it was good to see him back.
Theres a new guy getting treatments right before me. I'm not the first one of the day anymore. He'll be getting treatments after i'm finished with mine.
I'm starting to get shooting pains in the area thats being treated now. The itching has started too. I'll have to get some ointment for that as well. Its that itching that you cant scratch and drives you nuts. The more you think about it the worse it feels.
I couldnt make it to the community center yesterday, not feeling well at all. I rested most of the afternoon.
I'm half way there now!
Only 16 more to go!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Day Fifteen
Cloudy, misty rain kinda day today.
I walked to the hospital. On my walk there I saw a family that i sometimes see, waiting for the bus with other children. They are a family from, i believe, Somalia. They have their beautiful scarves and dresses on, I wouldnt call them Berkas but maybe they are called that, not sure. There was a little girl maybe 4 years old, leaning against a woman, maybe her mom. She saw me and followed my gaze as i walked by. I smiled at her and she had this look of wonder on her face.
I would have loved to know what she was thinking. I was a white woman wearing a blue scarf on her head, maybe she noticed me more due to that? Maybe she was curious if I was Muslim or not. Everyone around her was dark skinned and brown eyes, maybe i looked funny with my blue eyes and head scarf? Such a look of innocence.
I came across a sad discovery when i was almost to the hospital. There was a dead yellow bird on the sidewalk. I so wanted to cradle the bird and find a place to bury it. I was running late for my appointment and with my immune system not as strong as i'd like it to be, i thought against it. I just said a little prayer for the bird and kept walking. I wondered if the stray cat i've been seeing was the one who killed it. It was right around the place where i see the cat from time to time.
Appropriate somehow that i saw the dead bird on 9/11. On a cloudy cool day, this bright yellow birds' light went out.
Its a day of remembrance for those who died but also for those who lived and who are still grieving their loss.
Back to radiation. I felt pretty awful last night. Flu like symptoms. I was asked if i wouldnt mind if a male student observed the process today. I said I had no strong opinions either way, and it was fine. I got to hear some of the teaching that was going on. Learned a bit myself. As I left I said goodbye to the nice nurse and nurse C didnt even look up from her computer to acknowledge me, nothing new there.
I ended up walking home due to not wanting to wait for the bus. Lots of walking today, good for me. Now i'm resting.
Only 18 more to go!
I walked to the hospital. On my walk there I saw a family that i sometimes see, waiting for the bus with other children. They are a family from, i believe, Somalia. They have their beautiful scarves and dresses on, I wouldnt call them Berkas but maybe they are called that, not sure. There was a little girl maybe 4 years old, leaning against a woman, maybe her mom. She saw me and followed my gaze as i walked by. I smiled at her and she had this look of wonder on her face.
I would have loved to know what she was thinking. I was a white woman wearing a blue scarf on her head, maybe she noticed me more due to that? Maybe she was curious if I was Muslim or not. Everyone around her was dark skinned and brown eyes, maybe i looked funny with my blue eyes and head scarf? Such a look of innocence.
I came across a sad discovery when i was almost to the hospital. There was a dead yellow bird on the sidewalk. I so wanted to cradle the bird and find a place to bury it. I was running late for my appointment and with my immune system not as strong as i'd like it to be, i thought against it. I just said a little prayer for the bird and kept walking. I wondered if the stray cat i've been seeing was the one who killed it. It was right around the place where i see the cat from time to time.
Appropriate somehow that i saw the dead bird on 9/11. On a cloudy cool day, this bright yellow birds' light went out.
Its a day of remembrance for those who died but also for those who lived and who are still grieving their loss.
Back to radiation. I felt pretty awful last night. Flu like symptoms. I was asked if i wouldnt mind if a male student observed the process today. I said I had no strong opinions either way, and it was fine. I got to hear some of the teaching that was going on. Learned a bit myself. As I left I said goodbye to the nice nurse and nurse C didnt even look up from her computer to acknowledge me, nothing new there.
I ended up walking home due to not wanting to wait for the bus. Lots of walking today, good for me. Now i'm resting.
Only 18 more to go!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Day Fourteen
Running late this morning
As i was showering i thought about how i was grateful for the hair in my drain catch. Seems like an odd thing to be grateful for right? If you go for months without much, if any, hair and if you are used to pulling out hair from your water drain then suddenly you dont, you tend to notice when all of a sudden the water is building up in the tub. It was only a small amount of hair but hair still. My life seems to be coming back to some sort of normalcy. My eyebrows and lashes are filling in, theres even hair on my arms and legs, not much, but some. I know women out there would say that they wished they didnt have hair to shave weekly. I thought i'd be the same. I know I saved money on shampoo and take short showers and all that, but i have to say i'm glad to have some hair back. It means my body is still working and regenerating cells, its still alive! I know that some people have had so much chemo and other drugs over and over that their hair may never grow back, so i feel lucky that mine is coming back, even if it took a while to do so.
I took a bus to the hospital today due to running late. When i got there the nurse wasnt at her usual station and one of the techs, miss V, was looking a bit frantic. She told me that she had had a crazy morning already. people calling in and things happening. oh boy..... When i got into the chamber i noticed another man i hadnt met before, Mr J, he seemed nice, said he was bouncing from other hospitals. R wasnt there again today, doctors appt, and Mr L wasnt there. Mr. J had on some strong body spray or cologne, my throat was closing up. I wanted to say that he may want to not wear so much due to some peoples allergies and when you are on chemo you can get especially sensitive to smells. I'm sure i'm not the only one who is super sensitive. But i didnt say anything.
I really noticed the loud buzzing today. Sometimes I can just tune it out, but today the noises were especially bothersome. I just reminded myself of the MRI machine and how much worse that is.
I saw a new Radiologist today and first saw a new nurse, i'd seen her around but never had dealings with her in a professional way. She was very nice, i was pleasantly surprised. I asked her if the one man doc i had seen was the one that was leaving , i had heard one of the radiologists were leaving the hospital....and she said no, that it was the woman i was about to see, Mrs. T, She said everyone is upset about her leaving. I got the feeling it was more personal and maybe she would have preferred the man to leave as much as i did. When the woman doc came in she seemed rushed and a bit stressed, but i liked her much better than the other two docs i have met. Of course i find a doc i like and they are leaving. With any luck maybe she wont leave for a month, then i'll be finished with my treatment anyway. She noticed that i was red and was starting to have a rash on one area. She told me to use more gooey ointment and that the redness and swelling would get worse. Great. The swelling and healing from the treatments wont be better for one to two months after treatment is over. So by thanksgiving I may be feeling better. I'll have something to be grateful for. One of many things. This doctor explained things to me without me having to ask and she was very professional, didnt treat me like a number or like i didnt know what i was talking about. Nice change. It wasnt like she was all smiles or warm and fuzzy, in fact she didnt smile once, but the fact that she spent some time with me and treated me with some respect is huge right now. Too bad shes leaving. When I left, i noticed nurse C was at the desk, I said goodbye to the other nurse as i walked by and nurse C said a annoyed "oh bye" without even looking up at me, but the other nurse looked up and smiled. What a difference.
I ended up walking home since i hadnt walked there. It felt good to do so, even though i had the hill to climb. I was still thinking how lucky i was to be able to do that, to walk uphill at a fast pace. So many times i wasnt able to do that.
On my way home something magical happened. At least i thought it was magical. I noticed a feather come down from the sky, pointed end going downward, spiraling towards the ground. Not floating or blowing in the wind, it was dropping down. I realized that the feather had just left the bird it had been attached to. If i had thought quick enough i could have reached out and grabbed it out of the air. i could have had this feather that had never touched the ground. I dont know why but it was a lovely moment, to see the feather appear in front of me.
Only 19 more to go!
As i was showering i thought about how i was grateful for the hair in my drain catch. Seems like an odd thing to be grateful for right? If you go for months without much, if any, hair and if you are used to pulling out hair from your water drain then suddenly you dont, you tend to notice when all of a sudden the water is building up in the tub. It was only a small amount of hair but hair still. My life seems to be coming back to some sort of normalcy. My eyebrows and lashes are filling in, theres even hair on my arms and legs, not much, but some. I know women out there would say that they wished they didnt have hair to shave weekly. I thought i'd be the same. I know I saved money on shampoo and take short showers and all that, but i have to say i'm glad to have some hair back. It means my body is still working and regenerating cells, its still alive! I know that some people have had so much chemo and other drugs over and over that their hair may never grow back, so i feel lucky that mine is coming back, even if it took a while to do so.
I took a bus to the hospital today due to running late. When i got there the nurse wasnt at her usual station and one of the techs, miss V, was looking a bit frantic. She told me that she had had a crazy morning already. people calling in and things happening. oh boy..... When i got into the chamber i noticed another man i hadnt met before, Mr J, he seemed nice, said he was bouncing from other hospitals. R wasnt there again today, doctors appt, and Mr L wasnt there. Mr. J had on some strong body spray or cologne, my throat was closing up. I wanted to say that he may want to not wear so much due to some peoples allergies and when you are on chemo you can get especially sensitive to smells. I'm sure i'm not the only one who is super sensitive. But i didnt say anything.
I really noticed the loud buzzing today. Sometimes I can just tune it out, but today the noises were especially bothersome. I just reminded myself of the MRI machine and how much worse that is.
I saw a new Radiologist today and first saw a new nurse, i'd seen her around but never had dealings with her in a professional way. She was very nice, i was pleasantly surprised. I asked her if the one man doc i had seen was the one that was leaving , i had heard one of the radiologists were leaving the hospital....and she said no, that it was the woman i was about to see, Mrs. T, She said everyone is upset about her leaving. I got the feeling it was more personal and maybe she would have preferred the man to leave as much as i did. When the woman doc came in she seemed rushed and a bit stressed, but i liked her much better than the other two docs i have met. Of course i find a doc i like and they are leaving. With any luck maybe she wont leave for a month, then i'll be finished with my treatment anyway. She noticed that i was red and was starting to have a rash on one area. She told me to use more gooey ointment and that the redness and swelling would get worse. Great. The swelling and healing from the treatments wont be better for one to two months after treatment is over. So by thanksgiving I may be feeling better. I'll have something to be grateful for. One of many things. This doctor explained things to me without me having to ask and she was very professional, didnt treat me like a number or like i didnt know what i was talking about. Nice change. It wasnt like she was all smiles or warm and fuzzy, in fact she didnt smile once, but the fact that she spent some time with me and treated me with some respect is huge right now. Too bad shes leaving. When I left, i noticed nurse C was at the desk, I said goodbye to the other nurse as i walked by and nurse C said a annoyed "oh bye" without even looking up at me, but the other nurse looked up and smiled. What a difference.
I ended up walking home since i hadnt walked there. It felt good to do so, even though i had the hill to climb. I was still thinking how lucky i was to be able to do that, to walk uphill at a fast pace. So many times i wasnt able to do that.
On my way home something magical happened. At least i thought it was magical. I noticed a feather come down from the sky, pointed end going downward, spiraling towards the ground. Not floating or blowing in the wind, it was dropping down. I realized that the feather had just left the bird it had been attached to. If i had thought quick enough i could have reached out and grabbed it out of the air. i could have had this feather that had never touched the ground. I dont know why but it was a lovely moment, to see the feather appear in front of me.
Only 19 more to go!
Friday, September 7, 2007
Days Twelve and Thirteen
Didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. I ended up going to see my osteopath. I luckily got a ride from a volunteer that sometimes gives me rides to the cancer community center. I love my osteopath, shes wonderful. I'm so glad i went with my gut to go yesterday, instead of thinking of all the excuses of why i shouldnt go. i felt better when i left there. I'm planning on going once a week for the next three weeks. I'll figure out payment later. luckily my insurance pays for most of the sessions.
No big news to share about radiation. My skin is starting to show redness, i still have some swelling and i'm incredibly sore. The fatigue and feeling a bit ill is still an issue, but not overwhelming all the time.
I'm still walking to my treatments. I plan on walking tomorrow to the farmers market. The weather turned hot and humid today and supposed to be hot again tomorrow. I really need some veggies, so i'll at least walk there and maybe take a bus home.
Today when i went into the hospital, there was a man on a gurney, waiting outside the "chamber". I can see him clearly now in my head. He was probably around 85 years old. No one with him. He was out of it, with his mouth wide open. I hate to say this but if someone were to say that the man was dead, i would have believed them. It was a really sad sight to see. I heard one of the techs tell the nurse that she needs to check how his mental state is before they bring him down for treatment. If he's not in a good place, to not bring him down. Interesting.
I noticed people today. As i'm walking to the hospital, i wondered how i looked walking. Was i walking a straight line, was I swerving due to my poor equilibrium? I noticed others walking. I love people watching. One lady had her arms out from her sides as she walked, like she could attack you at a moments notice. A bit scary. One guy walked with bowlegs, as if he had just got off a horse. One man walked with his back hunched over, looking at the ground. What kind of energy do you project when you walk? Do you look at people in the eyes? Do you give a small smile to people or actually say hello? I find some people will smile at me, sometimes its a pity smile but most often not. I really try to make a point of looking at people in the eyes most of the time. You never know how one small gesture can change a persons mood. I know it helps me when i'm feeling low.
Today is my moms' birthday, Happy Birthday Mom!
Love you!
Only 20 more to go!
No big news to share about radiation. My skin is starting to show redness, i still have some swelling and i'm incredibly sore. The fatigue and feeling a bit ill is still an issue, but not overwhelming all the time.
I'm still walking to my treatments. I plan on walking tomorrow to the farmers market. The weather turned hot and humid today and supposed to be hot again tomorrow. I really need some veggies, so i'll at least walk there and maybe take a bus home.
Today when i went into the hospital, there was a man on a gurney, waiting outside the "chamber". I can see him clearly now in my head. He was probably around 85 years old. No one with him. He was out of it, with his mouth wide open. I hate to say this but if someone were to say that the man was dead, i would have believed them. It was a really sad sight to see. I heard one of the techs tell the nurse that she needs to check how his mental state is before they bring him down for treatment. If he's not in a good place, to not bring him down. Interesting.
I noticed people today. As i'm walking to the hospital, i wondered how i looked walking. Was i walking a straight line, was I swerving due to my poor equilibrium? I noticed others walking. I love people watching. One lady had her arms out from her sides as she walked, like she could attack you at a moments notice. A bit scary. One guy walked with bowlegs, as if he had just got off a horse. One man walked with his back hunched over, looking at the ground. What kind of energy do you project when you walk? Do you look at people in the eyes? Do you give a small smile to people or actually say hello? I find some people will smile at me, sometimes its a pity smile but most often not. I really try to make a point of looking at people in the eyes most of the time. You never know how one small gesture can change a persons mood. I know it helps me when i'm feeling low.
Today is my moms' birthday, Happy Birthday Mom!
Love you!
Only 20 more to go!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Day Eleven
Really cool morning today, fall is here.
The farmers market was downtown today. I noticed the orange chinese lantern flowers for sale. I think they are flowers. They remind me of halloween. The orange and red colors are coming out. At least i havent seen any christmas ads yet, thats when it gets depressing.
I was walking down the long hallway to the radiation department and ahead of me was a guy being guided on a gurney to a different room than where i go. I noticed he was reading a book as he was being pushed down the hall. I thought "Well, he must not be that sick if he's reading a book at this time", but then i realized thats not necessarily true. Sometimes we need an escape from whats happening around us.
I wish i had had an escape today.
I dressed as if i was going into battle. My camoflauge shorts, purple bandana, black t-shirt. I was ready for action. I knew i'd be seeing my radiologist and I knew that i'd be confronted with opposition. Lately i've felt i have to fight for validation or understanding of what i'm faced with. After my treatment i waited to see if my radiologist had time to see me, the nurse wasnt sure she was even going to show up. When she did show up i heard the nurse ask the doctor if she had time to see me, her reply was "yes, but not on a regular basis", very stern tone of voice.
Great, cant wait to see her now. I followed her into the room, I told her my symptoms or side effects i've been experiencing. She proceded to tell me that my symptoms were not radiation related and that its stress and i should take some yoga classes. I told her that other survivors i had spoken to have had similar symptoms and that i'm sensitive etc.... She told me again that there was no way those symptoms were related. She was close to my face when she was telling me this. I wanted to yell at her or start crying. But i just looked away.
You know, its hard enough going through treatment but when you have to argue with your doctors to get them to take you seriously, it just takes a lot out of you, the little reserves of energy you have left is sucked out.
I just need to shake it off and tomorrow's a new day.
Only 22 more to go!
The farmers market was downtown today. I noticed the orange chinese lantern flowers for sale. I think they are flowers. They remind me of halloween. The orange and red colors are coming out. At least i havent seen any christmas ads yet, thats when it gets depressing.
I was walking down the long hallway to the radiation department and ahead of me was a guy being guided on a gurney to a different room than where i go. I noticed he was reading a book as he was being pushed down the hall. I thought "Well, he must not be that sick if he's reading a book at this time", but then i realized thats not necessarily true. Sometimes we need an escape from whats happening around us.
I wish i had had an escape today.
I dressed as if i was going into battle. My camoflauge shorts, purple bandana, black t-shirt. I was ready for action. I knew i'd be seeing my radiologist and I knew that i'd be confronted with opposition. Lately i've felt i have to fight for validation or understanding of what i'm faced with. After my treatment i waited to see if my radiologist had time to see me, the nurse wasnt sure she was even going to show up. When she did show up i heard the nurse ask the doctor if she had time to see me, her reply was "yes, but not on a regular basis", very stern tone of voice.
Great, cant wait to see her now. I followed her into the room, I told her my symptoms or side effects i've been experiencing. She proceded to tell me that my symptoms were not radiation related and that its stress and i should take some yoga classes. I told her that other survivors i had spoken to have had similar symptoms and that i'm sensitive etc.... She told me again that there was no way those symptoms were related. She was close to my face when she was telling me this. I wanted to yell at her or start crying. But i just looked away.
You know, its hard enough going through treatment but when you have to argue with your doctors to get them to take you seriously, it just takes a lot out of you, the little reserves of energy you have left is sucked out.
I just need to shake it off and tomorrow's a new day.
Only 22 more to go!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Day Ten
I did not want to go to treatment today. It felt like going back to school, wanting to stay in bed, having my mom yell up to me, saying i better be out of bed, when i heard her footsteps coming up the stairs, i'd sit up and say, "I'm up i'm up!" then fall back into bed. It was one of those mornings today. My cat doesnt let me sleep in however. He has gotten into the habit of catapulting off of me, using all of his 15 pounds of strength. Then proceeds to get into mischief knowing it will get me out of bed. stinker!
I walked to radiation, cool morning. I noticed the clouds as i was waiting for a light to change. They were amazing! The shapes this one bunch had were almost like as if someone manufactured them, stuck them into the sky, the shapes were repeated like an ocean wave. I was hypnotized and almost forgot to cross the road when the light turned red.
I got to the hospital with five minutes to spare. Mr. A was there. We chatted for a while. come to find out he used to work as a parts engineer for an aviation company, and used to fly planes i believe. He also owned a photography store, loved/loves to take pictures. We have something in common.
Miss V came to get me, R is off today. It was only Miss V and L-man today. Everything seemed a bit off today. maybe it was R being gone, or the fact that it was a long weekend, things were just different. maybe i'm more of a creature of habit than i realized.
I saw nurse C afterwards, she wanted to check out my skin. She told me that the swelling is normal and that i can take advil if i want to to reduce the swelling. I'm just glad its not a sign of lymphedema. Feeling a bit lopsided today....:) ...and sore.
Saw the orange cat i had seen last week. He is definitely skinny. I may contact HART and see if they will come get him, or try to anyway. They are the all cat shelter i got my cat at. A no kill shelter.
Only 23 more to go!
I walked to radiation, cool morning. I noticed the clouds as i was waiting for a light to change. They were amazing! The shapes this one bunch had were almost like as if someone manufactured them, stuck them into the sky, the shapes were repeated like an ocean wave. I was hypnotized and almost forgot to cross the road when the light turned red.
I got to the hospital with five minutes to spare. Mr. A was there. We chatted for a while. come to find out he used to work as a parts engineer for an aviation company, and used to fly planes i believe. He also owned a photography store, loved/loves to take pictures. We have something in common.
Miss V came to get me, R is off today. It was only Miss V and L-man today. Everything seemed a bit off today. maybe it was R being gone, or the fact that it was a long weekend, things were just different. maybe i'm more of a creature of habit than i realized.
I saw nurse C afterwards, she wanted to check out my skin. She told me that the swelling is normal and that i can take advil if i want to to reduce the swelling. I'm just glad its not a sign of lymphedema. Feeling a bit lopsided today....:) ...and sore.
Saw the orange cat i had seen last week. He is definitely skinny. I may contact HART and see if they will come get him, or try to anyway. They are the all cat shelter i got my cat at. A no kill shelter.
Only 23 more to go!
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