Crossing the pond

The Brits like to say that if they fly to the states its just "crossing the pond".

Well, thats what i'm going to be doing tomorrow evening. Flying from Boston to London.

I'm really looking forward to my trip. There are so many things to look forward to. I'll be spending christmas and boxing day with my friends' family, eating huge meals with alcohol mixed in. Exchanging gifts, and most of all laughing and playing games. The English love to play games!

My friends' family love to make fun of me for not knowing the English history during some of the trivia type games, but its still enjoyable.

Then my friend and I are going to Edinburgh for New Years Eve. I've been there before during the summer. Apparently the festivities for new years is one of, if not the biggest, events on new years in all of Europe and the UK. I'm hoping i'm going to be up for the huge crowds. I'm sure it will be fun, even if its snowing and freezing out. How much worse can it be from what i've been experiencing here ?

I really do love to travel but i loathe the preparation leading up to it. I am reminded of the fact i'm alone, no partner/husband etc... No one to appoint errands to. Its basically all on me.
This year has been a bit harder, i dont have the same energy i used to have, before this year. It takes more patience and more time to complete tasks. I am just trying to remember to breathe, take time, and as my good friend from NH said to me today, "keep your eye on the prize".

I will check my emails while i'm gone and perhaps be able to blog, but i'm not sure. Lots of fun planned. I may have to wait and blog in the new year.

Happy Holidays everyone! Yule time cheer to all!

Heres hoping 2008 is a healthy and happy one!!

Perspective

I was reminded today of what is really important, what is only trivial.

I have been stressing out about my trip abroad. I have lots of details to take care of. My energy isnt what it used to be and thats hard to accept sometimes.

This morning I was making a list of all the things i need to take care of, feeling overwhelmed, doubting my decision to go to the UK.

Then i read a cancer survivors blog. She is fighting for her life and yet she says she loves life and is going to keep fighting for it anyway she can. She is currently unable to leave her house except to go to the hospital, is hooked up to an oxygen tank, is on more than a dozen drugs, and the list goes on. ...shes in her 20's.

Then there are the people who are having chemo or radiation or are in the hospital for some illness or other. One woman is sitting by her young sons bed in the hospital, hoping he'll get to go home soon.

My stresses are trivial compared to what some people are facing right now.

I'm lucky i can go on this trip. I'm really trying to be grateful for that, take a deep breath and smile.

Nor' Easter

Phantasmagorical

This is the new word for today....

I love it!

It basically means (for those who don't know the meaning, like me...), ...illusion, or changing visual images, images blending into one another, changing shapes, .....that kind of thing.

Today there is what the North Easterners call a Nor' Easter happening. A blizzard. High winds, freezing (10 degrees F) temps and lots of snow. No one wants to be out in this kind of weather. Not even the hard core Mainers go out in this.

I'm just praying the electricity stays on, mostly due to the heat factor. It would be a bummer to lose the heat today.

When i was a kid it was exciting to lose power, getting the candles out and everything just stops. All plans, like going to school, are canceled. The total focus is on the storm, when it will stop, how much snow to expect, do we have enough supplies, are our other family members ok. Life just takes a pause while the storm does its thing.

So many times i've wanted to pause my life while I deal with an issue. Most times life goes on. It would be surprising to me that life could go on with so much pain happening. so much suffering and yet people are laughing and playing and going about their business. During some dark moments I wanted to shake people and say "don't you know whats happening?". It didnt seem fair that others didnt stop and notice my pain.

Then there comes a time when it becomes comforting that life is still going on. There is a sense of hope that remains.

Hope that change still exists, things will shift, the storm will pass.

It's all just a phantasmagorial image.

Tis the season

This is a new kind of holiday stress for me. I am used to being a bit more tired and stressed out during the holiday season, but this year is a whole new ballgame i'm realizing.

It's a bit like trying to walk through the snow, when your body isnt used to that kind of movement. You need to think about it more, each step you take. More time is taken to get through to the other side, to solid ground.

I'm finding my errands of christmas shopping, or getting things for my trip takes so much more time and so much more effort.

I'm sleepy much more, and irritable.

Medically, I finished up my lymphedema massages. My swelling went down quite a bit, not gone but a huge improvement, so thats something positive! I am noticing some skin pain where i had been radiated, on my back. I forgot about that area, and thats probably why it hurts, i havent been moisturizing it, the pain is similar to when you have a bandage on and the skin pulls in pain from the adhesive.

My recovery is still going on, i'm impatient with that. I want to be functioning at full capacity now.

Patience grasshopper

I find a small glass of port helps a bit with the stress
:)

Cheers!

Hecate, the crone goddess

Reminders

I thought i was taking a nap at 8pm, then my hope was to awake around 9pm and have all kinds of energy to want to go see a band i love alot, called Entrain. I woke up at 9:30pm and was in no shape to go out. I went back to sleep and now its 3:30am. My cat doesnt know what is going on. Neither do I. I'm all discombobulated.

I have these reminders of how i'm still recovering. I'm still gaining back my strength. I need to remember that its only been 2 months since i ended my radiation and only about 4 or so months since i stopped chemo. My body has been through quite a lot. I keep hearing from different people how its taken them a year or so to feel more like themselves. Others even say that they still havent felt themselves and its been years. Everyone is different. I get impatient and I want to feel some sort of normalcy, if that can even happen.

I want to go out dancing, stay up late, have fun.

I can still do those things, just maybe not as often as i like.

I also have some reminders of the miracle of children.

I spent some time with my nephew and niece the other day. They each have such personalities, its so much fun to witness. I love holding babies too, my niece is almost 8 months old. Theres something so calming about babies, maybe its their smell or just their energy.

I was speaking with my sister on the phone yesterday, my sister love, and she mentioned some very sweet comments that her daughter made. She is a fairy girl, with so much knowledge and wisdom. Such a teacher,...of joy and so much more.

So, the reminder for me is once again, how i'm not going to have the experience of having a child of my own. That is never going to happen for me in this lifetime. I say i'm ok with it, and i really am, but i'm also realizing how final it feels. I want to honor my transforming from Mother to Crone. I'm not closing the door to adoption, but thats a bit different.

In paganism there are 3 levels of womanhood, 3 major ones anyway. Maiden, Mother and Crone. I will be going into the Crone energy in some ways, a bit early. My body will be going through the physical and emotional energies of Crone woman. I would like to honor the mother energy within me and welcome the Crone. It is after all the wise all knowing part of a womans life. Thats not so bad. I welcome wisdom into my life.

I really don't think i'd choose to go back to my younger years, it was a hard time for me. Maybe i'd like that body back, but other than that I'm happy where i'm at. Of course i'd rather not have gone through cancer.

Life is life, it is what it is. There are good and bad, dark and light, and all the colors in between.