Birthday Blues

Hi Ya'll

So yesterday was my 43rd birthday.

I awoke with a sore throat and not feeling so swell.

I then got very sad, anxious and irritable about that. I worry that the cold will lead to something more serious and then I'll take a turn for the worse. Or that my trip to Florida next week can't happen because of me being sick etc.....It WILL happen! I WILL be swimming with the dolphins next week!! Yes!

So, then I had family come over to visit and I was not in the best mood. I was weepy and bossy and just  not a happy camper. I tend to get impatient and irritable when what I really need to do is cry. Do you ever find that happens to you? I get angry to get to the tears.

I cried with my mom a bit while everyone else was in the kitchen about how this is probably my last birthday.

I did have a wonderful polarity therapy session that helped tremendously. Marsha is such a gift!! I'm so lucky to be able to get sessions with her!! Thank you Marsha!! My friends Nancy and Kristy brought me there and back and then we watched Creature Comforts (America) a bit when we got back, so funny! So my day ended well.

Birthdays are so "loaded" aren't they? They are for me anyway. By loaded I mean so much emotion and baggage around my birthday. I met my boyfriend Stuart who died, on my birthday many years ago. I have had many disappointing birthdays and birthdays that just didn't go as I had planned. So much pressure to make things just right. I tried one year to ignore the whole day but that didn't work so well either.

I received some lovely flowers from my family that came over and my aunt and uncle had some delivered. I also bought myself some small yellow roses (spray roses) today.

I had a yard sale at my moms on Saturday which went VERY well! My good friend Nancy and other friends of mine came over to help and run it when I wasn't able. My mom, stepdad and some of their friends came to help too. I had friends come and help break down and cart away as well. I was fully covered. Not to forget all the donations that were given to the sale too.

I"m a lucky girl to have so many people helping out!!

My brother, his girlfriend Laura and one of his sons Finn came for two days as well. Very sweet!

Today I had a lovely visit with my step brother and his wife. The rest of the day I will be meditating and taking it easy. I want to kick this thing that may or may not be a cold. I'm drinking ginger tea all day.

I'm just very happy I got thru my birthday and no one got hurt! LOL (at least i'm hoping not too bad anyway)

I can check that off my list, Get Thru Birthday....check!

New Focus

Hello Peeps!

Things are moving along with not too many changes in my physical being. Yes, the pain has gotten a bit worse and yes, my breathing isn't so great but its all still very much tolerable.

I have a new focus that is getting me thru the days lately.

Swimming with the dolphins!!! yay!!

My dear brother Mark has been researching and planning out a trip for a few of us to go to Florida real soon.

I mentioned the website for donations you can go to right? www.jenngerow.com

You can also look at pictures and sign the guestbook. I read every one of the posts. They make me cry in a good way. Thank you ALL so much! I'm overwhelmed by all the kind well wishes and prayers and memories posted. Means the world to me! I am so lucky to have such a wide reaching support. People I have never met are posting and donating and I'm just floored, wow!!

One of my lessons is receiving. Boy am I receiving lately! :)

I think I grew up with the lesson that I have to pay back people for what they give me some how, either financially or in some way. If I can't then I shouldn't receive the gift. I now realize that its an ebb and flow kind of energy that happens. When you give you must then also receive. Like the tide coming into the shore. If you only give out and not receive then the flow doesn't happen. Big lesson for me.

This Saturday I'm hopefully going to have a big yard sale to donate to the dolphin fund and then fingers crossed I'll be leaving for Florida on the 16th of October!!

I'm praying that I'll be as strong as I am now if not stronger to be able to fully enjoy being with one of Earths most magical and intelligent beings.

A dear dear friend was so kind to offer up her home in the Bahamas the other day. The island that she lives half the year on has a dolphin program. I immediately said "YES, of course! "

Then reality sunk in and as I was processing details with my aunt and uncle last night, I realized that it would be too much for me to go to the Bahamas, and with my health, its very risky and too far away. I can get hospice care in Florida if I need to and the facility where I'd be going is fully equipped for people who have special needs like me. Its so odd to say that I have special needs. Its a challenging reality for me, but one I am trying to embrace.

I am focusing on what I CAN do and trying not to focus on what I can't do right now.

I had a lovely lunch with my good friend Gen today and that was something I DID do, i went out and had lunch and went grocery shopping and climbed up two flights of stairs.

Its the little things we take for granted right? Its so nice to appreciate what one CAN do.

Dolphins......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gratitude

Hi Ya'll

Well, I am blown away by all the support I have been receiving in all shapes and sizes!

Today, some dear friends came over and removed lots of boxes and a bureau to be sold at a yard sale, some of those boxes were HEAVY!

Then I had a sweet friend come over for a visit. A woman who has battled her own cancer and is still recovering but kickin' butt! So nice to catch up and she gave me a purple wig! I was wondering if I should re-dye my hair purple but now I don't have to, I have a wig to put on when I'm feeling sassy! :)

Then, my sweet brother Mark set up a website to help with my bucket list and to also connect with people who would like to see pictures and post their own pics and sign the guest book. Its a beautiful site! Thank you so much big brother, i love you!

If you would like to check it out, go to www.jenngerow.com

Please sign the guest book, i love seeing who stops by.

The love, prayers, and support of all kinds is so overwhelming and wonderful!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

On the physical front I had the oxygen compressor delivered and have a travel tank as well. My breathing is definitely declining a bit. My muscles aren't too happy with me now and of course the cancer pain.......yuck...

But, over all I'm doing pretty well.

I'm working on letting go of control. Thats been very very challenging for me lately. I am so used to taking care of myself and doing all that I have to do to get "things done".

My lesson is trusting and letting go.....

Have a beautiful day everyone!
Blessings

Hospice

Morning Everyone

Had a few rough days.

Hospice Social Worker came over yesterday and also my BFF Nancy came too to ask questions.

It was a very eye opening, emotionally overwhelming meeting.

I also had an amazing launch meeting of eHope. Lots of my wonderful friends and family came to support me and sign up to help in any way they are able to. I am still processing what was said and the love that I felt. Beautiful! I'll always be grateful for the love that was expressed to me that day!

Yesterday, the social worker said that I will need 24 hour care from friends/family at some point or else I'll have to go to a nursing home. I think I mentioned that in a previous post.

So, we're trying to figure out a way to let me stay at home as long as I can. Hopefully till the "end".

I want to put on the brakes now and say...."what a minute! not ready for this stage yet!"

I do think I have some more time but things need to be said and put out there, my needs and wishes. Also to prepare some things.

Nancy and I put her on my bank account so she can close it out when I die and the account won't go to probate or what have you. I am on disability so there isn't much to get at. Every little bit helps however.

I don't have life insurance or any savings so there isn't going to be a funeral. I am ok with that but I know that some family members won't be ok with this decision.

I don't want to burden anyone with funeral costs and so forth. Plus my idea for years now was to help science in any way possible with a body I won't be in after I die.

I'm looking into donating my body to medical students at UNE or Harvard has a brain study program for depression and since I've struggled with depression most of my life that may be one way to contribute.

The bonus part is that I don't have to pay for cremation or any of it. I AM however looking into having the cremation done at an eco-friendly crematorium. Did you know that cremation adds a major footprint to global warming? It does. There is one green cremation place in Maine that I'm hoping to be sent to.

So...thats just one subject we were discussing yesterday.

You can imagine how surreal it may seem to me? It was and is.

I was pretty stressed out yesterday and emotional.

I SO want my window of time!!! damnit!

ok.....breathing now

My focus today is to be in the moment and do the best I can do today. I am going to try and think positively and not stress or worry too much.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming......

Mixed Emotions

Up early this Sunday morning. My cat Stewie likes to announce when he poops in his box. LOL, do any of your animal friends do that? At 3:30AM.......I'm not amused. So I laid there in bed thinking about today and what it may entail. So, decided to blog about it.

Today there is a launch meeting to inform all my wonderful peeps who are willing to help me out with my current and upcoming needs thru a website. The website is called eHope.nu. Jeffrey Wood is the creator who has helped many families connect with one another in an easy to understand way. It takes a lot of the stress off of me to try and organize help. Exhausting! I am so lucky to have Jeffreys help and a good friend Liz as well. She will be the facilitator for the site.

So, I'm nervous and excited and hoping that the launch meeting goes well. I know it will be emotional and a bit overwhelming for me. I just hope it all works out for everyone.

I tend to rehearse my upcoming speeches and have been doing that a bit in my head this morning. I'm usually pretty good at speaking from the heart and not having a script. I'm hoping today is no exception. I panic sometimes that I'll forget to mention something.

I will trust that it will all work out just the way it is supposed to.

I am just so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful people who have signed up to help in some way that they are able to. Thank you very very much!!

I also had some fear emotions come up this morning.

I had this vision of me on this raft drifted out to sea. One day I was laying there in the sun enjoying the fish life around me. Dolphins came up to say hello. Whales flipped their tales at me. Lots of sea life to wonder at. I was so happy and appreciative of the moment. Then the next moment I'm on that same raft and its night time. Scary....then it starts to rain and I'm shivering cold. Alone in the dark, floating on the raft not knowing where I am or what's out there in the darkness.

That really describes how I can go from being positive one moment or day to feeling all alone and scared the next. I know I am not alone, not really. I have lots of people around me. I do live alone and when you have a major illness, it is my experience that you get the feeling that no one understands what you're going thru and can sometimes be scared of being near you. Its too uncomfortable for them, too emotional, too scary. So hence the feeling of being alone. In the quiet hours like this morning, when its still dark out. The quiet can be comforting or quite the opposite. No other human to talk to and discuss my bad dreams to. No one to smile at me and ask how I'm feeling.

I am lucky to have this blog and have people who take the time to read it.

Thank you for throwing your anchor out to me. Keeping in touch. Means the world.

I am trying to stay in the sun and watch all the magic around me. There are going to still be those cold dark nights. I just have faith that the sun will come back to my world soon.

Blessings to you all!

Picture is of my dear niece G. Dragonfly with raspberries on her fingers that I took. She makes me appreciate being alive. Thank you Miss G! xo

New Information

Happy Friday Ya'll!

So today is a bit better for me than yesterday as far as the pain and emotional feelings. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the pain and feel the tears wanting to come but its not as overwhelming as yesterday. Neither good or bad. Just is.

I met with my Hospice Nurse yesterday. She's very nice and comes highly recommended.

She , lets call her P, (for privacy). P went over some info with me that was very eye opening and I may have looked like a deer in headlights to her.

I was told that if/when I get to a stage that I will need 24 hour care and no family or friends are able to stay with me etc....that I'll have to go to the hospital or to Gosnell Hospice Home. Yesterday P told me that yes thats true but ONLY if I am assessed as having only 2 weeks to live will I be able to go to the Hospice Home. The hospital will only have me for 3 days give or take a day. Then P says I will have to go to a Nursing Facility. I said..."you mean a nursing home?!". Yes, P said. If I am not "actively dying".

WHAT THE FUCK!!!? No way! I can't go to a nursing home at the age of 43 (on October 8th)!!! So, I really want to make sure I stay at my home for as long as possible and then somehow make it so I don't go to a nursing home. NO!

Also, P was going over my "comfort pack", which is a box containing meds that in case a nurse can't get to me and I need something to help me out. That was also an eye opening, heart palpitating, hands shaking...kind of moment. Some items include suppositories in case I can't swallow pills, one was drops to dry up the water that could accumulate in the back of my throat....etc....I won't go into it all. I think you get the drift. WOW!

This is definitely hitting home for me. I am NOT however thinking this is going to happen tomorrow!

My plan is to do as much as I can do within reason for as long as I can do them. Hence my previous comments about being in the moment.

When my dear sista love came over the other day we were discussing this. I told her that every single appointment I have, whether it be a hair appointment, or getting groceries, or seeing people, every single appointment is highlighted and important. I don't know what kind of experience I will have during each appointment or visit.

When I got my hair cut the other day I was telling my hair stylist woman a little of what was going on and I could tell it made her think about things for her self. She has been trying to quit smoking and didn't want to follow up on her mammogram that came back not so good. She wants to just put her head in the sand......

So, what I'm trying to say is that each experience I have with every human being right now is so precious to me. I never know what will happen, what will be said, what affect that person will have on me and maybe what affect I may have on that person.

I really seem to be getting it now. That whole living in the moment thing that people have over used for decades. I am getting a big glimpse of it now. WOW.

Today I am seeing a dear friend and treating her to lunch for her birthday.

I wonder what lessons I will learn? :)

Blessings to you ALL!

Stress

Good Morning to you all!

Yesterday was a good lesson for me. One of those lessons that are sometimes hard to learn.

I pushed myself way too much and am now paying for it. The pain has increased quite a bit.

I know now that stress = more pain.

I also know that lots of lifting and awkward movements can also = pain.

And a third lesson is that being overtired can also = pain.

I'm learning as this journey continues.

Woke up very cranky and feeling sorry for myself. Living alone can sometimes be challenging when you are feeling vulnerable. I do have a wonderful Maine Coon Cat Stewie who I love and adore and am soooo grateful for. Its still not quite the same as having a human companion with you.

I am going to take it easy today and hopefully my positive self will return.

Self care is whats on board today.

I hope you all are having a wonderful start to your Thursday and its almost the weekend! yay!

Blessings