Friday, May 8, 2009
I haven't been sleeping all too well lately.
This morning I was up at around 5:30am. I watched the sun rise with all its fiery colors. A memory came to me of when I used to work for a baking company. I had to be there very very early. I would walk to work every morning when the streets were quiet. I loved that walk. It was a great way to start my day. I would protest getting up so early but in the end I loved it. Walking into the bakery and greeting the sleepy bakers who have been there for a few hours by that time. The smells of freshly baked bread and pastries filled my nostrils. I would start the coffee pots and organize my post as customer service person.
I have memories of enjoying a warm just out of the oven brioche roll or a scone. Once in a while, and I mean once in a while...I would enjoy a sticky bun, called Morning Buns. They were deadly but tasty.
I would be out of work by 2 or 3pm and have all the time in the world to enjoy the day. When it was summer time it really made a difference. I felt I still had a good portion of the day left.
All of this came to me this morning by looking at the sunrise.
I posted a picture from a May Pole celebration, Beltane ritual, on a popular beach in Maine, this past Sunday. It was cold but still a pretty good time.
I've been having a rough week emotionally. Maybe it's the time of year? Spring time brings up all my insecurities. Not having a partner, not having children.....Spring and Beltane is about fertility and creation. Love and Joy.
The Beltane ritual highlighted my losses and what i'm lacking in my life. There were lots of children and families there. Lovely to see the kids dancing and making sand castles.
I AM happy for all my friends and family who have their own little family and relationships, I really am. It just feels like someone turned on a spotlight thats blinding me and forcing my loneliness out to the surface.
Summer is on the way....I think of Summer as a time for single people.
Can someone just turn down the lights a little?