Sunday, December 28, 2008

Happy New Year 2009!


I leave for London today. I woke up at 4:45am and realized I hadn't checked in online last night.

So, I got a not so good seat. Could have been worse. If anyone does any kind of traveling, especially over 5 hours, you'll understand that whatever you can do to make the flight more relaxing the better.

Getting an aisle seat is important to me. I have to wear my compression sleeve and glove, which I hate, and so I also need to get up quite frequently to stretch and keep my lymph system moving.

I also requested a low salt meal. The benefit of ordering a special meal is that you get it before all the regular passengers. People look at you and wonder why you are getting your meal before them.

Once I get there, I'll be able to relax, but until then I tend to be pretty nervous.

I will focus on New Years Eve and being in London.

2009, a new year, a new President (thank the goddess!), another birthday, another new year of holidays to come. Its a time to reflect the past year and all the events that occurred. Both personal and public memories.

I won't be too sad that 2008 is over. I am certainly looking forward to 2009. Nine is my favorite number so it HAS to be a good one!

Happy New Year ! I'll be posting after the 8th when I get back to the states.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Boxing Day


Happy Boxing Day!

I remember celebrating my first Boxing Day in England. It was my first trip there and I had just met Stuarts' best friend (he was holding a sign up with my name on it), we went directly to his Dads' house for Boxing Day celebrations.

I knew no one and they were so lovely, very inviting. They were in the middle of playing games. The British are big on playing all sorts of games.

They got me to play as well. There was one game that involved some kind of charades (pronounced Sher-Rahhds). I had to get up in front of everyone and try to get them to guess what was on my card, or get my partner to guess it. Most of the trivia was of British history. I didn't know the majority of the subjects given. Such as Queens and Kings and the history behind them. I knew I should have paid more attention in class. It was quite funny but also embarrassing.

From what i've gathered, Boxing Day is usually spent eating and drinking way too much, oh and of course playing games. What I love is the wonderful Port and Cheeses that are served after a big meal. Port is a great digestive. The cheeses are stinky but in a scrumptious way. I found a new appreciation for moldy cheeses. Stilton is fantastic!

This year I introduced English "crackers" to my family. Not the edible kind, the type that involves a popping sound and wearing funny paper crowns. Another interesting Britain tradition. They look like big pieces of fancily wrapped candy. Two people tug on the cracker to see which one gets the bigger half. When its broken in two, the cracker pops like a firecracker (hence the name). Inside are little gifts or jokes or both. There are different levels of crackers. If you pay a lot of money you get nice presents inside.

I do love seeing family during the holidays, but to be honest i'm pretty glad they are over with. I'm looking forward to relaxing in England and perhaps drinking in the New Year with a glass of champagne. Maybe i'll even have a funny paper crown on.

Cheers!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Snow A Flying

Well, I made it through another blizzard. Yesterday was quite the storm. My area got at least 13 inches of snow. The winds were over 30mph. A Nor-Easter for sure!

I am grateful that my power didn't go out. It would have been very cold seeing that it was only in the teens outside and wind chills way below zero.

I am cozy and warm and very thankful! I hope all of you readers out there stayed warm and cozy too!

This cold is certainly giving me a run for my money. Where does that saying come from I wonder?

I was able to go to a holiday party that involved a Yankee Swap, or some people say Chinese Gift Giving. I wonder if the Chinese really do give gifts that way?

There are so many expressions that we use and I'm betting most people don't know where they came from, how they started.

Lately the new expressions seem to come from famous people who start the trends.

I love the stories of how certain things come to pass. Some local guy in some small English town had a couple of pints and decided to say something that someone wrote down and there you go, it stuck!

I appreciate the fact that some sayings are kept local. I live in Maine and there are many Maine expressions. Wicked Good was a popular one when I was growing up.

I wonder if someone is writing a book documenting all the popular sayings of the past?

Is there an expression you find yourself saying a lot?

One that I tend to say that I'm trying to stop is "Cool!" I'm getting older and it's not exactly fitting my age group anymore. I need to come up with another expression to replace that one.

Maybe I can use "Fantastic!"

Happy Yule! Happy Christmas! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Snowflakes Are Falling On My Head


Hi ya'll

I'm still sick.

So tired of being sick. It's a waiting game.

I ventured out to get a small Christmas tree, fake one this year, and took some pics. Stewie loves to sit under the tree.

The snow is falling outside, luckily not on my head. I was supposed to go to my Oncologist today. I don't have a car and with me being sick and all I thought better of it. Don't want to get even more sick or delay my getting well.

I'm going to London for New Years! I'm very excited!

Every year my friend from London and I go somewhere for New Years. This will be our 9th year!

I HAVE to be well for my trip! I am determined and stubborn!

Cold cold go away! Come again some other day! Or year! :)

Hope you all are staying warm and toasty!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sick :(

I've been sick for almost a week now and i'm going stir crazy! It stared out as a sore throat and then progressed to my sinuses and now my lungs. fun times!

Here's a link I hope you can check out! I had fun doing this one! I believe you'll have to copy and paste the link...sorry, i'm still learning how to add things to my blog. I've got foggy brain today.

I wish I was in a snow mans' outfit instead but oh well. its still fun!

http://www.dancingsantacard.com/?santa=199398

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Dancing Tonight!


I am going to see a show tonight to see one of my favorite musicians, Mike Doughty!

I'm looking forward to dancing and having a great time!

My physical issues can take a back seat for now.

It's nice to have an escape from reality once in a while.

Let's hope my physical issues won't get in the way tonight, I want to live in the moment and have a good time.

Fingers' crossed!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Physical pain getting in the way

So, i've been experiencing some physical aches and pains recently that seem to be getting worse and worse. I woke up this morning barely able to make a fist with either of my hands, this has been going on for a few weeks now. Most of my muscles and joints are achy. It could be the Femara drug that i'm taking, but of course I immediately think " its back!".

My body has recently become weaker as well. It reminds me of when I was in treatment. Every move seems challenging. I'm not able to move as quickly as I have been able to in recent past. I was walking my friends' dog and we usually jog a bit to get him tired out so he won't pull me quite so much and my body just couldn't do it for long or very well.

I woke up this morning and it really hit me. What next? If i go off the Femara there is only one other drug in the class of 3 available and if that doesnt work then i'm offered Tamoxifen which I really don't want to take. I know thousands of women who take it with huge success but my body is resisting it.

Other drugs that i'm currently taking are also pooping out or have awful side effects. I'm running out of options there too.

It all just makes me want to throw my hands up and crawl into bed for the winter. why can't we hibernate like the bears do?

Then i came across this video a little while ago and it cheered me up, i hope i was able to post it here. I LOVE Ani Difranco and seeing her LIVE is quite the experience if you ever have a chance, go see her!

enjoy and peace out,.... i'm going to go hide my head for a while but i'll be back out before Spring, no worries!






Saturday, November 29, 2008

Todays Poem on the Writers' Almanac

Purgatory Is Nearer in November

by Josephine Jacobsen

November is beautiful as the word sounds, is gray, is bare,
Is compact of wind, of leaves blown and the thin, tall rain;
Brought back to our care are the dead in November,
and the air of these days is charged with their pain.

For these are not the free dead, not the remote, bright crowd
Of our picture-book, or our image of nebulous heaven:
These are caught, tangled in a web comfortless as a shroud—
These have not familiar place, nor flight, nor oblivion, even.

They have not escaped yet-they are close in the clouds massing
together;
At the cold first drop you will stare on the dark ground and remember.
They are the accent of autumn, they are the source of the tone of this
weather.
The heart is reached by the waiting dead, in their month, in November.

"Purgatory Is Nearer in November" by Josephine Jacobsen, from Contents of a Minute. © Sarabande Books, 2008.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Blah Day


I have once again been hesitant to post due to not being in a very good space, but here we go....

I believe it's this time of year that gets me down. There always seems to be a lot of death and illness all around. Maybe that's why having holidays distracts us from all the sadness?

The last few weeks have certainly been a challenging one for me.

I really am trying to keep a positive spirit but lately that little engine that could is losing the battle, burning it's wheels trying to make it to the top of that mountain.

Today is the actual burial of my good friends' mom. Her ashes will be buried along with her cats' ashes today at 11am. Its a rainy blustery day here and seems fitting for a burial.

I hurt my shoulder, recently, raking leaves at my moms' house. I totally overdid it. I raked for over 5 hours straight! What was I thinking? I wasn't. Now I am dealing with the repercussions.
A shoulder that has bursitis and sore muscles all around. My Osteopath just shook her head in disbelief when I told her of my latest injury. I then got very sad and disappointed in myself for one...not listening to my body when it told me to stop or slow down, and two....that I am not at the same place physically as I was 2 years ago or so. I am still regaining my strength and recovering from some pretty damn intense treatment.

I just get frustrated sometimes and that leads to depression of sorts.

I am feeling better today but this weather is making it hard to find that extra bit of energy to keep moving forward.

This is also a lonely time of year. It's been quite some time since I've been on a date or been dating someone.

It's like when babies are left alone too long they get sick and crave that touch. Humans need that physical touch, that love and caring, just to survive.

I'm feeling like that baby sitting alone in the dark, just crying out for some love and for someone to just hold me.

So, theres my sad post for today.

I am doing ok, even if it seems i'm not. I just have some sadness around me at the moment. I'm sure i'll be back to my hopeful self soon.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Todays' News


I'm very happy with this recent news!

Boston Globe said..."WASHINGTON — Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to give up her Senate seat and accept the position of secretary of state"

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ritual


Sorry for the long delay in posting.

I hope you all are doing well and adjusting to this fall weather with the time change and new President-elect! yea!

I have been thinking about rituals lately and thought i'd post my thoughts on that subject.

Recently I attended a wake and funeral. I also attended two bonfires. One of them was to burn old paperwork of my friends' mom who died.

Rituals of all sorts are interesting to me.

We all have our own rituals, even if we don't realize it.

There is something that we may do every day without thinking twice about it. Maybe we wake up and the first thing we do is brush our teeth? Maybe it's feeding the animals? Maybe its putting on reading glasses? Then the rituals go deeper and become more personal. Some people pray or meditate when they wake up, or write in a journal. Whatever it is, it's a ritual.

Ritual can be such a loaded word. Ritual can mean religion to many people, or a cult even.

I watched one of my favorite movies last night called Baraka. I highly recommend it! Part of the movie shows different cultures using ritual. Praying in a certain way to a certain God or Goddess. Honoring a sacred item by kissing it or rubbing it or cleaning it. Bowing down in front of an altar or in front of a statue.

How did rituals begin? Some person at some time in history decided that a particular way of doing something was of significance. Was it during some horrible plague or famine? Was it during a time of strong religion that rituals were formed? Was it to honor the elements and cycles of the moon?

Obviously I could write about ritual forever. I just wanted to touch on it. To recognize that there are cultures all over the world that dance or pray or honor some spirit or God in some way. We all have the desire to honor something or someone in our lives and we all do it differently. Even if you don't believe in a God or a Higher Power, I bet there is something that you do to honor someone that has passed on or to honor the people in your lives right now.

Last Wednesday was the marking of my boyfriend Stuarts' death. Nine years ago he died. I wanted to honor that day by going to the climbing tree we had climbed so long ago. I wanted to do so many things but didn't. I ended up just putting up his picture in a place where I could see it better. I thought of the happy memories I have of him. I played a song that reminded me of him. That was my ritual this week.

This is a time of death and dying. The leaves are falling, the wind is howling, the air is cold and crisp.

After the death and dying phase there is rebirth and growth.

This time of year is important but it can also be challenging.

For there has to be death in order to have rebirth. As child labor can be painful and scary, so can death.

It's appropriate that the Presidential election is during this time as well. It is a time of change, the metaphorical dying of one way of thinking or acting to another way of looking at things. A new administration may bring a rebirth of sorts that we are all craving right now.

What rituals do you have in your life?

Monday, November 3, 2008

VOTE!


I couldn't let this important day go by without saying something about voting.

Tomorrow is voting day. I know it's going to be long lines and long waits. Taking time to vote can be a pain. What if it's raining? That can also be annoying.

Think about the places in this world where there is no voting. Other people decide the rules of the game. People that live in dangerous places literally risk their lives to vote.

So, when you are complaining about the inconvenience of voting, maybe think of a person who is willing to risk their lives to vote. That's how important this right to vote is. Every vote DOES count. Bring a book, iPod, magazine. Make your grocery list or list of meals you want to cook this week. Make plans for this weekend. Do whatever it takes to make it to the polls and stick it out in line. It's worth it.

This election is very very important. It could be history changing. This could be a day that goes down in the history books that your grandchildren will study in school.

No matter what you believe in, VOTE!

There are many life challenges for many people right now. My good friend Nancy is currently packing up her moms' life into boxes. She is going to take the time tomorrow to vote. I know one woman who has been told she may only have months to live. She is voting.

Please take the time to vote.

Thank you

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Highs and Lows


I hope you all haven't forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten about all you wonderful readers out there. I've just been out of town and very busy.

This may be a long post, so sit back, get comfy, hold onto your hot cup of joe, and enjoy the ride....

First the Highs...

The weekend after my birthday week I went to a wonderful music festival. I got my camping wish. The festival was in Harmony, Maine. My good friend Nancy and I went there on a Saturday. It was another gorgeous fall day. The leaves were at their peak, the sun was shining and the air was crisp and clear. Nancy and I love road trips. We have the best memories when we go away somewhere. There's something freeing about getting away. Letting all our problems sit on the side lines for a while. All our responsibilities take a holiday too.

Our friend Quester set up tents for us and had the campsite all ready upon our arrival. Thanks Quester! He was playing in his band Freakwitch that night. The music of all the bands was wonderful! I've discovered some new music and found them on MySpace. There was good food, good music and my favorite part of the weekend, (other than the wonderful company I was a part of) was the bonfires! I got my bonfire! yea! We needed fire for sure! It was COLD! If there was one negative thing I had to say about the weekend it was the cold! Camping was challenging but I didn't freeze to death to thats an accomplishment for sure. The temps were down in the low 30's overnight.

The best day for me was that Sunday. We danced, hula hooped, and laid in the grass. No worries. Such a freedom feeling.

Then it was back to reality once again.

Nancys' mom was in the hospital and she needed to get back to her. Her sister was with her mom but it was Nancys turn to sit with her.

Now to the Lows....

Nancys' mom died last Thursday night. I got the call late that night and was able to get a car to go be with her around 11:30pm.

Sitting with someone who has passed away is such a surreal experience. I've had one other experience like it, even more profound. I was with my good friends' mom when she passed. I had been giving her reiki when she let go.

I am so grateful to be a part of this hard time for Nancy and her family. I am grateful for Nancys trust and faith in me to be there with her in her pain.

I am going through some emotions myself. I have the urge to want to take all the pain away from my dear friend. I know thats not possible and not fair to Nancy either. She needs to go through this her way and in her own time. I'm just a witness holding the space for her and what she needs.

I spent most of the weekend with her and am now home for a couple of days to recharge my batteries. I'm going back down there to be with her this weekend for the wake and funeral.

I think its appropriate that her moms' funeral is on All Souls Day. It's a day to honor the dead. To honor those who have passed. Honor the ancients. Honor the Saints. Some religions look at this day as a dark day, a depressing day. I look at it as a day of celebration. Remembering those who are not with us anymore. Remember the happy times, the times of joy.

Its a time when the "veils" of the worlds are thinnest. When communication with souls is easier to do. If you believe in that way of thinking. I do.

So, i've caught you all up on my adventures of late.

I hope you all have a safe and joyful Halloween/Samhain.

Maybe sometime this weekend, you can light a candle, say a prayer, put a picture out of your loved ones who have passed. Honor them, remember the joy and love you shared with them.

I know I will.

Blessed Be

(The Heart Rock Pic I took in Bar Harbor, Maine)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Back to Reality


Well, i've had quite the week of celebrating.

My friend from London and I spent the week running around town and then up the coast for my birthday on wednesday. We went the long way so we could see the rainbow of leaves that are now at their peak of color.

My friend had rented a red mustang convertible, so of course we had the top down most of the way.

We ended up in Bar Harbor and spent the night at a gorgeous Inn on the ocean. We had an amazing meal with expensive champagne! I haven't eaten that much in months! It was worse than thanksgiving as far as the fullness factor went, but well worth it! I had wanted to go out dancing afterwards but couldn't manage it. I think my friend was content with not going anyway. He's not much into dancing.

I got my fix however. I got to go out dancing on friday night. Some friends went out with me to let it all loose on the disco lit dance floor. I had a blast!

I've noticed the last couple of days that my jeans are barely fitting me. I've eaten way too much this week. A bit glutenous.

Its back to reality. Back to eating a bit better and walking more. I don't have the fancy car to drive me around anymore. Just as well, I need the exercise.

I saw a pretty good movie today with an amazing woman who is a survivor as well. It was about an inventor who had his idea stolen by a huge car manufacturer. It was really about how he didn't give up even with all the temptations. He stuck to his morals and persevered through many obstacles. He did end up losing some valuable time and relationships in the process. His efforts have helped so many. Was his sacrifice worth it? That question has been on my mind.

Do you keep on moving forward with your decisions even if it hurts people you love? When is sacrifice worth it?

Is there a path for all of us to take? A path that maybe our souls have chosen before we were born? A path that if we take on leads us to heartache but possibly a necessary choice?

Who's to say?

Was my cancer part of my chosen path, or do things really just happen to us randomly?

When inventors or scientists spend years and years of their life devoted to finding the solution, or the cure, is it worth it in the end?

I'd have to say yes, if its a cure for cancer, an invention to help others in the future.

But then again i'm not the inventor or the scientist who is sacrificing their lives. There are also the monks who spend their whole lives in prayer. The peace corps volunteers who live to help others. The military soldiers.....the list goes on.

This is when I wonder if i'm on the right path.

Am I doing enough to help others? Am I on the right path?

The guilt can sink in when i'm out celebrating my birthday, eating way too much, dancing the night away.

There has to be joy and love in the world too. Its o.k. that I celebrate and love life. I can balance both responsibility and fun can't I?

I do hope that after I'm gone from this world that I have left some kind of footprint, some kind of evidence that I did do some good for others, that I did follow the path I was meant to.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

One Year!


October 5th marked a year since I finished my cancer treatments, other than having a hysterectomy.

Saturday the 4th I threw myself a party to celebrate that and also my upcoming birthday (the 8th).

I had lots of friends and family join me at one of my favorite Japanese restaurants.

Party favors were passed around. I wore the devils horns (pictured here). I love having party gifts to play with.

My brother made a trip up with his girlfriend, that was really special and I also got a huge surprise of having my friend from London show up unexpectedly. I was like a deer in headlights when I saw him standing there. I had spoken with him the day before and had no idea of his plans. No one has ever given me such a surprise before!

As you can see from the picture I also had my hair color changed. I wanted to do something different to honor this time. I have always wanted to try dark brown or black hair.

I'm just grateful to have hair at all!

I had a wonderful time and am so grateful for everyone who joined me! I felt a bit undeserving but am working on that. :)

This week while my friend is here we'll be doing some more celebrating by driving up the coast of Maine and hopefully seeing some great leaf colors.

So, heres to a year of survival!

I'm still here cancer!!! You haven't beaten me! So there!!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Paul Newman


Another great person dies of cancer.

Paul Newman seemed to me like such a wonderful human being.

From his actions alone he appeared to do all the things I feel people with fame should do.

To not take money and influence for granted. To share his wealth and ability to give in so many ways.

I won't list all his accomplishments, they are many.

I just wanted to note his passing and say how much I admired him and what he did for children, for the earth, for humanity in general.

I also absolutely LOVE his Newman O's, the chocolate/chocolate ones, YUM!

I hope people can learn from him and follow suit.

You'll be missed Paul!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Emails or Phone Calls?


I was thinking about emails versus phone calls this morning.

What did we all do before emails? We hand wrote letters on actual paper and mailed them to people. We also used the phone more often.

I am grateful for emails because sometimes I don't have the energy or time to call someone and want to at least connect with them, so sending an email can be handy.

On the other hand I feel emails have replaced a part of important communication.

I love love LOVE getting hand written letters. I feel so special when someone takes the time to communicate with me this way. I also love to send hand written letters.

I get cards from a fellow survivor and friend quite often and am so happy to receive them. I feel honored when I open the cards to find a personal letter to me.

There are some people in my life that I only email with. Thats the only communication we have.

I have other people in my life that I only speak on the phone with. They don't like to use email unless its a quick hello.

Why is it that some people won't use email no matter how much you write to them? The same for phone calls.

For me I find it easier to email and I feel I can at least communicate with most people that way. If I didn't have email I know that I wouldn't be communicating with certain people at all. Sad but true.

When I'm on the phone I like to make sure I have no distractions and most importantly I want to have the energy to listen and respond back. I tend to get drained of energy after I end a phone call. Maybe i'm not protecting myself well by giving so much, thus the energy drain. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that I prefer email most of the time. I feel I can communicate without draining my energy supplies via email.

I'm trying to connect with the "phone only" people lately. I put it on my to-do list to call them and make time.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this subject.

Do others feel the same way? Do you have certain people you only email to? Why is that?

Do you hand write letters to people? If not, why?

I am grateful for this blog, to be able to use the computer to communicate with you all.

If only I could hand write a personal letter to you all, to say thank you, that would be lovely.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Happy Mabon!


Its the first day of Fall today. Happy Mabon!

Goodbye to summer, goodbye to wearing only shorts and a t-shirt, goodbye to freshly cut flowers at the farmers market, goodbye to the sounds of the crickets and insect life at night, goodbye to the icecream truck song, goodbye to the outdoor seating at restaurants.

Hello to beautiful colored leaves, hello to warm sweaters pulled out of boxes, hello to squashes and pumpkins, hello to smoke coming out of chimneys, hello to hot soups and stews, hello to a new season.

I'm trying to embrace the Fall and not dread it as I have so many years of my life. The Fall meant back to school and a winter around the corner, cold winds and too many layers. I want to appreciate the Fall and appreciate being alive now, no matter what the calendar says.

I am here now, today, the first day of Fall

....this is an excerpt I found on the web from Patti Wigington about Mabon.....
Mabon is a time of balance, when there are equal hours of darkness and light, and that can affect people in different ways. For some, it's a season to honor the darker aspects of the goddess, calling upon that which is devoid of light. For others, it's a time of thankfulness, of gratitude for the abundance we have at the season of harvest. Because this is, for many people, a time of high energy, there is sometimes a feeling of restlessness in the air, a sense that something is just a bit "off". If you're feeling a bit spiritually lopsided, with this simple meditation you can restore a little balance into your life.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Correction

My mom informed me that I made a mistake with the info on the male and female bald eagles.

The female is actually larger than the male, not what I had stated before...

Thanks Mom!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Linda

I just got the news that a former employer and friend passed away not too long ago.

Her name was Linda Montgomery. I worked for her as a personal assistant. She had diabetes and due to complications with her circulation etc... she became blind and had to have part of her foot amputated. She also went through kidney transplants and dialysis, many treatments and surgeries.

Linda used to be a photographer, loved nature and wanted to capture it on film. When she became blind, you can imagine the heartache she must have felt.

She turned her disabilities into something to benefit others. She would speak at schools, write books of inspiration, spread the word of faith and hope.

There are many memories I have of my time with Linda. I'll mention a few of them here.

Linda challenged me in many ways. She wasn't the easiest person to work for. She wanted things done in a particular way and would fight you on it. I did admire her tenacity and spirit, she was very driven and didn't let much get in her way.

We took a trip to Maine and she got to meet my family. She took a few pictures with my camera and surprisingly they came out very good. She just went with her other senses to guide her lens.

She lived in NC for many many years, thats where I met and worked for her.

She brought me to a wonderful all black baptist church nearby. She had been going off and on for years. I was nervous at the time but.... I believe I mentioned this story in a previous post.....
i'll never forget that experience. The energy of the place, the joy on Lindas face. My finally letting go a bit more, trusting, being in the moment.

The last thing I want to mention is every Christmas Linda would have a card made. Each year it was something more outrageous. She hired a photographer and would put on the appropriate costume for the theme in mind. The card looked like she was actually doing the things she dreamed of. One year she was a mermaid, one year she was flying in a hot air balloon, one year she was driving a race car or something along those lines. She had the biggest grin on her face. I think she really got a kick out of creating the next years card. I'll miss getting them.

Inside the card she would have a typed letter letting us all know what shes been up to. She also had some words of healing and positive suggestions on how to live your life.

I bet shes having a blast now, on the other side, able to see again, able to walk well again, and able to help whomever needs it.

She will be missed.

Eagles Flying High


Saturday I went on an Audubon trip with my mother. We drove about an hour and a half to the dock where the boat took off.

The actual boat trip was about 5 and a half hours.

Apparently bald eagles are coming back in numbers. I think I heard they were removed from the endangered list, which I have misgivings about.

On our way out to sea we saw some harbor seals and a few harbor porpoises (smaller than dolphins), that was exciting.

All in all we saw over 20 bald eagles! We definitely needed binoculars to see them well except this one time when one was flying not far from us overhead. That was my favorite moment of the trip. The eagle soared in circles, graceful and majestic. It was molting time so his wings had some tatters and holes.

I learned that its nearly impossible to tell a male and female bald eagle apart. The females are smaller in size but thats about all the difference. The younger eagles are mostly brown, they don't have their white feather caps on yet.

It was a beautiful day and the rivers we toured were lush and green, with lots of rocks and pine trees to gaze at.

Birds of all sorts were spotted. Great Blue Herons, different types of Loons, Gulls, and more. People would spot something and yell out the location by saying if the bird was at 10 o'clock or 2 etc.... All the binoculars and cameras would be in their positions scoping out each species.

I wondered if the eagles were wondering what we were all looking at, whats all the fuss?

I was reminded of how beautiful birds are and nature in general. I wish I took more time to appreciate my beautiful state I live in.

I listened to Leroy Sievers memorial/celebration of life on NPR.org today. It was recorded for the MY CANCER bloggers, so nice of them to do that.

One thing that Leroy said was something like.... take time out to do something you would have put off for tomorrow. Try something new.

Well I tried something different. Going on that boat ride. It was long and I was totally exhausted by the time I got home but it was worth it. I'm glad I went.

I can picture that soaring bald eagle in the sky and remember the beautiful and precious things of this world.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Remembering


I didn't want to let today pass without saying something about 9/11/01.

Our country has changed in so many ways due to the horrible events on that day.

Peoples' lives have changed.

Politicians say that we need to feel safe, do what we can to accomplish that sense of security.

How can we really feel safe?

I don't believe we have that control. No matter how many walls, fences, or security measures we create, we can not have that kind of safety.

So, how do we live?

For me, I have to live each day and hope that my world won't be turned upside down from a phone call saying someone I love has died or has discovered they have a disease. I have to live my life as if tragic events won't come my way any time soon.

If I live in fear and try to control all that's around me, I am not really living.

A neighbor of mine told me that someone got stabbed on a street that I frequently walk down. She said it was during the day and I need to avoid that street now.

No, i'm not going to do that. I will be aware of my surroundings and take certain precautions but i'm not going to stop doing the things I want to do because of some event or someone elses fear.

I want to remember all the people who died on 9/11, stop for a few moments and think about the losses the families are dealing with and will always deal with.

To honor those who are dying every day, I want to live my life to the fullest. Try to be happy and try to help others in need. I don't believe that living in fear and reacting in violence will honor the people who have died.

So, to all those who have died and to all those who are grieving or in pain in some way, I honor you! I hold you in my heart and send you healing white light.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Objects of Memory


I saw this show on PBS about Objects with Memories.

At first I thought it was about psychic ability, to retrieve memories or emotions from objects by touching them.

I was surprised to find out it was about objects saved from tragic events. Mostly about 9/11.

People had left personal items at "ground zero" and all over the city. In memory of people who had died.

Objects were also found from the two towers, personal items, that were given to family members of the people who died. The items were simple to most but to the families they were profound. Some people told the stories behind the items, like this one woman who said her sister loved her summer bag and inside it were her rosary beads. Another woman said her husband carried a $2.00 bill in his wallet and she did as well, 2 hearts connecting, second marriage etc.... His bill was totally intact.

It got me thinking about items that i've saved when people have gone from my life.

When I was younger I used to save the oddest things. I saved matchbooks and drink coasters from dates I had with a current crush of the week. I saved concert ticket stubs, buttons, stickers. So much stuff.

Then when my boyfriend died I wanted as much of his things as I could get a hold of. In search of something to bring him closer to me, closer to my heart. He used to roll his own cigarettes
and after he died I found one in my ashtray and saved it. I was able to get a few of his personal items that his birth mom had in storage. The one thing I treasure most is a sweater that he had worn on his last trip here to the states, when I had met him. After his celebration of life gathering I had found it on the bed he was sleeping on. I held it to me and could smell him on the sweater. I didn't want to take it off. Luckily I was able to keep it. I made copies of pictures of him when I hadn't even met him. Someone elses' memories. I wanted to somehow piece together his past, understand him more, get to know him without him.

That was nearly 9 years ago.

Nowadays I just have one picture out of him and its not the first thing I see when I wake up.

I've moved on in some ways, but in others i'll never move on. He is a part of my history, a part of my heart.

The objects don't matter anymore, just the memories.

I do believe that objects are a part of the healing that needs to happen for anyone grieving. It can bring you back to the moments you need to remember, to hold close to your heart.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Shift in a nano second


My brother has been speaking with me about writing. He is currently writing some personal stories and thoughts. I decided to pick up one of my favorite books on writing called "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott.

I had started a novel a few years back, hand written and now lost. I wonder if I wasn't supposed to finish it, just move on to something else? That was just a first draft of better things to come.

I read the Writers Almanac from NPR every morning and todays excerpt is especially moving for me.

It got me thinking of how emotions can shift in a nano second.

Reading a moving poem, seeing a piece of art, hearing a lovely piece of music, smelling a familiar scent.

Our senses are powerful tools to conjure up emotions and memories.

I was especially upset last night when my neighbors decided to have a party starting at 10pm. By 2am I had had enough. I had been so calm and enjoying my novel on writing when it all shifted to anxiety and anger. I went through all the thoughts of what I wanted to do or what could I do to alleviate my negative emotions and thoughts.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy they talk of "wise mind", where you are not in your emotional state and not in the reasonable state but in the middle. Where you can see what is really going on and not reacting to situations, standing back and seeing the situation for what it truly is. Thats challenging when you have sounds and thoughts coming at you at a fast pace. It took me a few hours but I got there. I saw the situation for what it was and was able to relax back to sleep.

Next time i'm hoping I can come to that place in less time.

Retraining the brain takes time and patience.

Monday, September 1, 2008

A Year Goes By So Fast!


August 26, 2007 I posted my first blog here!

It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since that first day.

I wasn't sure I would blog much at all. I was thinking I would just stop posting after my radiation treatments were over.

This blog has been very helpful for me to express my feelings and thoughts about my journey.

I truly appreciate all comments given to me, thank you!

The beautiful weather has finally arrived in Maine! The kind of weather that people flock here every summer for. July and part of August were very wet and cool but this last week has been perfect!

I still haven't reached my goal of camping out, but I haven't given up quite yet.

I DID get to spend some wonderful time with my brother, his girlfriend, and my adorable nephews this past week. My brother and his girlfriend went off camping and adventuring while his sons stayed with the grandparents. I was able to spend some one on one time with each of the boys. Really great!

I took the oldest boy to Fun Town. I was hoping to ride some fun rides but he wasn't into most of them. He loves the games the best. I think his favorite thing was to throw the baseball at a target that can tell you how fast the ball was thrown. He has quite the arm on him for a ten year old. The highest speed he threw was 42mph. Even the girl running the game said he should go pro. My nephew was all smiles, so proud of himself.

I loved watching him on the bumper cars. I can't do the bumper cars, too much for me, but I loved watching him drive around and smiling, having fun.

He also loved driving the big antique cars that ride on a track but you can still steer them a bit and use the gas pedal. I sat in the back and he was so happy. The third time he drove the car he insisted going alone.

Four hours later in the blistering heat I had had enough. I had wished my nephew had wanted to go to the water slides too but he said to me "I don't feel like getting wet today".....

shoot....I was looking forward to whizzing down those fast tubes of water.

next year perhaps.

I also got to take my 6 year old nephew alone to the playground. We had a blast. He told me stories as we ate our "fake" macaroni and cheese dinner, played whiffle ball with a cute little girl named Faith. They both made me run quite a bit after that ball. Quite the hitters they were!

I took my oldest nephew to a skateboard park where he could try out his new skateboard and gear that grandma and grandpa got him for his birthday. He was a bit embarrassed at first because all the boys there were much older and didn't have a helmet or elbow pads on. He said he felt funny or embarrassed. Finally he got out there and tried the course out.

I posted a picture of him trying to balance and not fall. So cute if I don't say so myself, proud aunt that I am!

I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with my brother as well.

Good times all around, even did some dancing friday night!

Today is a day of rest for the most part, it IS labor day after all!

Thanks for sticking with me after a year of posting, here's hoping I make it to another year!

Blessed Be to ALL!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

All Clear!


This morning I had my 6 month unilateral mammogram. Just on the "infected" side.

There has GOT to be a better way! It's almost comical how medieval the procedure is.

I then had to wait for the Radiologist to review the scans, took forever! Then I take my old films up to the surgical breast doctor. Wait, wait wait....

She comes in with an intern doctor, asking me questions and I wanted to say, GET TO THE FILMS! She finally did, and she saw some calcium deposits, but she thinks that they are the same ones I had a year ago, and theres no issue with them.

So, i'm all clear until 6 months from now when i'll have my yearly bilateral mammogram.

Whew! Safe for another 6 months!

I can let out my breath now

Friday, August 22, 2008

Sorting it all out


Sometimes it's frustrating when you can't figure out for sure what's going on in your body.

I've been having some pain and mostly sore muscles lately.

My sleep hasn't been great either.

The doctors I see will ask me if I know why I feel this way. I can't seem to figure it out and I believe it can be almost impossible to know for sure.

The sleep could be due to menopause, or the new meds i'm on or who knows....

The pains...well there are a few. I now have trocanteric bursitis. Could be due to my power walking. I tend to push it too much without stretching first. Could be due to my aromatase inhibitor i'm taking, that keeps the estrogen down. My sore joints more than likely is due to that.

I'm seeing my osteopath about the neck,shoulder, back pain. The bursitis may have to be helped by Physical Therapy.

I had an x-ray on my hip area and it came out good, no fractures or dislocations or calcium deposits. Since I have osteoporosis they wanted to make sure I didnt' do some damage.

Figuring out why i'm having a symptom would be nice but is it really all that important?

Maybe not.

Walking really helps me in so many ways, and since I dont have a car or frequent use of one, I need to walk and take buses. Its hard when the doctor says to ease up on the walking when I really get good benefits from it.

So, i'm just walking slower and taking buses more often, but I'm still walking.

Its just another reminder that things are different now. I need to be more aware of my limitations and take better care of my body. I don't seem to heal as fast as I used to.

I'll be walking today, getting some food, i'll use my push cart instead of a big backpack.

It's all about adjustments.

I saw a story about an Olympic athlete (Natalie du Toit) who lost her leg and how she adjusted. She made it work for her, she adjusted her way of doing things and her way of looking at her goals.

My stubborn side wants to throw a tantrum and say, "NO, I want to do things the same way I used to!"

I'm readjusting my attitude, little by little.

Sorting it all out.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sad News


I just found out that an amazing cancer warrior has died. Leroy Sievers. I have a link to the left of the website under sites I go to daily, under My Cancer Blog, its npr.org/mycancer. If you would like to read a wonderful article about Leroy and his passing....click on the first blue highlighted area on the August 16th post, it will bring you to the article.

I loved reading Leroys' thoughts and honesty with how he felt and what he was going through.

The comments people left, including myself, were very moving at times, funny and helpful for my journey.

I don't think I know of a tougher cancer warrior than Leroy, ( i didnt know him personally but felt like i did due to his wonderful writing), he didn't want that cancer to take over and went through so many procedures, experimental and otherwise to help do that.

He was told he had a couple months to live after his cancer returned but he lived 2 1/2 more years.

I believe his fight and journey has helped a huge amount of people that either know of someone who has cancer or they are in the cancer world.

You'll be missed Leroy!

Rest in peace .......and kick some butt on the other side for us here, Leroy, help find a cure!

New Link


Hi ya'll!

I found out about a new website that is very cool!

Check it out!

There should be a video to watch thats very cool, very moving, i recommend taking the 3 minutes to watch it! If you don't see it, let me know and i'll post the link to the video.

http://www.standup2cancer.org/

The sun is out and its a beautiful day!!

Hope you all are having a wonderful, joyful weekend!

Friday, August 15, 2008

Eclipse Energy


Tomorrow night there will be an eclipse happening. It can be a time of new beginnings and endings. A time to take risks and make some bold moves forward to better your life.

Thats how I see it anyway.

My dear step sister is graduating today. She has gone through 5 years of schooling while being a mother of a three year old. She not only is going to graduate tonight, shes' going to do it with high scores! You go sista love!!!

She is an inspiration to me in so many ways. Its fitting that her graduation is happening around the eclipse. An ending and new beginning for her and her family.

I'm trying to look at this eclipse as a new beginning for me as well. New ways of seeing things. New ways of behaving. New ways of thinking. New ways of acting.

I'm also trying to ignore all the back to school ads and not buy into the idea that summer is over. NOOOOO! I still want to camp, hike, swim, play!

Theres still time. Thats my mantra today. Theres still time.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Waves are settling


I apologize for the long pause in posts.

I needed some time off and to gather some strength both physically and psychologically.

Sometimes I feel like i'm a sponge, sucking up all energy around me. Once in a while I blow a circuit. Overloaded senses.

I regroup and move forward again.

This time was a bit of a nuclear meltdown, too much detail to get into.

All systems are up and running now. Slowly but still progressing forward.

Lately there has been so much rain and clouds that the motivation to keep a positive, hopeful spirit has been challenging. Not impossible but its like walking with galoshes in the mud,.... leaving solid footprints.

There are going to be some changes in my life, they may not come all at once and be dramatic, but all the same, major changes.

I will keep you posted.

Rain, rain go away, come again another day....
please?

Friday, July 25, 2008

Stormy Weather

To live or not to live, that is the question....

There have been lots of storms lately as i'm sure most people around the country know.

One person was killed by a house collapsing on her. There may have been tornadoes but no confirmation has been made on that.

A storm will come in with dark clouds and then wind and then heavy rains with lightning. The sun will come out, everyone can breathe again. Birds come out, people venture outside. A little while later another storm comes in. Repeat, repeat....

I thought I was out of the storm....., i'm back in it.

I'm not sure what to say about it really.

Its such a tiresome thing to write or talk about. I'm sure people in my life are sick of hearing about it. I know I am. I'm living it and i'm sick of it big time.

I saw a new therapist yesterday and it didnt go well. She was all business and I felt like I was in bootcamp. She was the drill sargent. All about rules to follow and what she expects from me and how I am "encouraged" to try this and that....no smiles, no empathy or sympathy, nothing.
Rules and guidelines.

I left there feeling worse than when I arrived.

I'm at the point right now where i'm just so tired of it all, really tired. Tired of this depression, tired of fighting to stay alive.

I don't want people to write me to tell me how they want me to live or how good of a person I am, i'm not looking for sympathy or help in that way. No pity party please. I'm just expressing how I'm feeling.

Shitty really....

I think the guilt of how people in my life would feel is keeping me alive right now. The guilt of how my family and friends would be affected if I took my own life.

Why is it that we stay alive for other people?

This new therapist wants to make sure I stay alive. Why does she care if I stay alive? She doesnt know me, i'm not in her life in that way, why care?

We put our animals down or discard them if they are a nuissance but we can't accept it if someone wants to leave this earth now. why is that?

The pro-lifers fight against abortion but will (not all) allow this stupid war to go on and accept that its ok to kill human beings, for what?

We kill animals for food and fur and leather.

I just got to thinking about it lately.

The catholics say its a sin to kill yourself and you'll go to hell. I don't believe that.

There are so many rules and religions about life and what that means. But its also twisted. The death penalty is ok? Murder is justified sometimes? I don't get it.

I don't want anyone to panic that reads this that i'm going to do something drastic.

Yes, its on my mind.

But like I said before, I have too much guilt to actually do anything. I don't want to hurt people.

In the meantime i'm hurting, ....inside and out right now.

Hopefully next post will be positive.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Reminder


Well, i've poked my head out of the water and am swimming the doggy paddle.

The dark cloud has lifted.

We had some nasty thunder storms yesterday. I was on my way to an appointment when I had to wait for the storm to pass, stop what i'm doing and wait. It seems similar to when I get hit with some serious depression symptoms. I just have to wait it out.

I saw Batman last night, the new one with the late Heath Ledger and the beautiful sexy Christian Bale. It was amazing! I can see why Heath is getting some Oscar nomination nods. He's incredibly scary and disturbing. The movie was very dark and intense, but so well done that you just have to watch it all. The acting was so well that it almost became real, thats when you know you are transformed as a viewer, when a movie can almost make you believe that what you are seeing is really going on. Love that!

I've been running around all week, started a neuro rehabilitation program due to the chemo messing around with my brain and cognitive functions. I am also going to start a new therapy group and see a new counselor to also help with some skills I am lacking, to hopefully get me back to work or school.

I am reminded that I am still in recovery. All the running around lately has really exhausted me. I have some more running around to do today but its fun running around, not tedious like this last week. Sunday I should be able to mostly take the day off and chill.

I look back at what i've accomplished this week and am still amazed that it could wear me out so much.

I could let that depress me and I could easily go to a place where I felt sad that i'm not up to par quite yet, but I am trying not to.

I want to give myself a break and realize that next thursday will be my one year anniversary of stopping chemo treatment, but it wont be till october 5th when I will have been finished with radiation treatment for a year. It takes some time to get back to feeling more energetic.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Patience grasshopper

Monday, July 14, 2008

Reluctance

I am really reluctant to post today due to not knowing what to say and wishing I were more positive.

I keep reminding myself that I didn't start this blog to only be positive. There are a gazillion blogs out there that can give extreme positivity if thats what is needed. I want my blog to be real.

So, on that note, i'm still reluctant. No one wants to be a downer or negative.

I'm human, I'm going to be who I am and thats not always positive.

I've been struggling with the dark clouds over head lately. Depression can sneak up on you when you least expect it.

I'm sure most people have some form of depression and it can last from hours to a couple of days, but for clinical depression, it can be very severe and last quite a long while.

Some days I can have some sadness and a good walk can help lessen the intensity.

Lately, however, nothing seems to work. Thats when I know its serious. Walks, being with friends, happy movies, good music, ....nothing helps and sometimes makes me feel worse.

I usually just have to ride the waves and coast into shore hopefully on my feet and not with a mouth full of sand.

Thats about all I have to say today....I'm still here and still riding the waves, reluctantly.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Energy

I took this photo of fireworks friday night with some good friends. It was a lovely night, no clouds, no rain, everyone enjoying the lights in the sky, having fun! Isn't that what life is about? Sometimes. Its also about appreciating the good moments. If we only had good moments we may never realize how special they are.

Its sunday. A time when lots of people go to church. I called a friend this morning and she's not usually a church goer but in the summer for about 2 months she goes with her mom to a small chapel that opens only for the summer months. Its a sweet little chapel that has guest preachers for the 8 weeks or so.

It got me thinking about the times I went to church as a child. I have never been one to join a church or religion. I believe in honoring many religions or spiritual practices. My parents "made" me go and for a while I was a faithful Episcopalian and even got confirmed as one. I am grateful for the experience. The singing of carols or psalms, drinking the special wine from the golden goblet, eating the wafers.

My thoughts are that people are attracted to energy. The energy of how it feels to be in a group of people all focused on the same ideas.

People worship many gods and goddesses. Theres God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and so many more...

I have had many amazing experiences at events or churches where the energy was incredible. I've always been attracted to churches, especially old ones in the UK or France. I love old grave yards too.

Once I was a personal assistant for a woman who used to be a photographer until she lost her eyesight due to diabetes. She still had so much faith and believes that she's here to teach others about adversity. We went to an all black baptist church one day. I was nervous and excited. This was a new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. The church was somewhere near Black Mountain, NC. I was going to massage school at the time.

Everyone there was so welcoming and they knew the woman I was with. She had been frequenting there at that time. A few people gave us curious looks and even giggled, but for the most part there was no judgment. There were beautiful colors of clothes and fancy hats all scattered about the pews. We went near the front and waited for the service to begin. I was so happy to see that there was no preaching of sin or negative ideas. It was all positive. There were microphones and an organ blaring out the sounds of joy.

Then there came the singing. The voice of one woman in particular blew me away. After about 5 minutes of the singing, the energy in the place rose to the heavens. You could not help but be swept away from it all. Rising and rising until our bodies all swayed in unison. I saw the woman I was with, just holding up her arms and feeling the power of what was happening. She couldn't witness what I saw, she couldn't see the people going up front to get "healed", falling into someones arms and to the ground. She couldn't see the people with their arms in the air as if in a trance, praising the Lord and Jesus. However, she could feel the energy around her and hear the beautiful sounds come together and swirl as one. I lifted my arms and closed my eyes. I was hooked. Its a drug, this high you feel when people come together and lift each other up.

When I was in NYC I went to a famous yoga studio for some free chanting. Krishna Das was leading the chanting. The tabla drums and singing,... again...lifted the room. It was a hot summer night, all of us sweating and chanting.

I went to a performance of Tibetan Monks chanting once. Same idea. Everyone was hypnotized.
NYC, Qawwali music from Pakistan, people throwing money over their heads as a form of respect, African drumming circles, Twirling Dervishes, the list goes on and on.

When there are events such as these or even just a sports or music event, where lots of people go to a place to gather and cheer for the same idea.

Maybe thats why we are so addicted to gathering in groups. We love that high. Music, singing, chanting, cheering, laughing, joy, love.

I personally don't believe in joining one group or religion. I want to experience many different types of things.

Aren't we all craving that same thing?

I see on a c.d. of have of Qawwali music,...it says..."Qawwali, the essence of desire".

I believe that says it all.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Plans changing


Lately i've noticed that when I make plans to do something, things don't always turn out how i'd hoped they would.

Sometimes its for the better but in my experience I get disappointed.

Yesterday was a nice surprise. I was able to be a "bride" after all!

I got to wear a beautiful Linen/lace dress (pictured here).

There were supposed to be about 200 guests for the fund raiser, but I believe when I was there the count was less. The rain had come out once again. Theres a trend happening in Maine, rain and thunderstorms in the afternoons, for weeks now.

I was a bit nervous but excited to strut my self on the "cat walk" which was only a porch. The house was amazingly beautiful, mansion like. On the water with a huge lawn and sitting rooms that were roped off to peering eyes.

That was a nice surprise to not be the mother of the bride. Although there were fabulous dresses for that purpose that many women pulled off wonderfully.

I believe there were about 6 brides showing off gorgeous dresses and jewelry.

Other changes have been when I invite people to come over and they cancel the last minute or I plan on doing something and it gets rained out.

Next friday, july 4th, I am planning a party. I'm not sure what the weather is going to be like. Right now the weather forecasts rain and thundershowers. Yuck! I wanted to go cookout and then watch the fireworks that are shot off a few blocks from my house. My apartment is so tiny that I don't want everyone to just hang out inside all night, thats no fun.

It is still a week away, so maybe the weather people have it wrong. Maine weather can change all the time. Just like my life lately.

Change is in the air

Monday, June 23, 2008

Happy Summer Solstice!


June 21st was the solstice, starting off summer, technically it was friday night....

Its been rainy and cool for the most part except today was hot and humid but no sun, a sticky mess.

But, its summer! My favorite season in Maine!

To honor the solstice I lightened my hair a bit. It wasn't the color I was going for but I think i'll get used to it eventually, hopefully before it grows out again. When my hair grew back it grew back much much darker. So much so that a friend I recently met said he thought my hair was dark brown in the picture he saw on my MySpace page. That did it for me, time for a change as the season changes.

I went to a fancy boutique today that specializes in wedding party attire. Theres going to be a fund raiser for the Cancer Center I go to on thursday. Its going to be at a board members beautiful home and it includes a fashion show. I was asked to be one of the "models" for the bridal dresses. I was thinking I could be like cinderella and dream of some day perhaps getting married. Wear an expensive dress that I would probably never buy but could dream of wearing, feel special for a couple of hours.

Then I get there and the woman running the shop today asks me if I'm supposed to try on the brides dress or the mother of the brides dress. I assumed it was only going to be brides dresses. Wrong! I am going to play the part of the mother of the bride! great!

It seems almost worse than being the brides maid and never the bride,.... being the mother of the bride, ...when A. i'm not a mother and won't ever have children, B. I've never been married before and C. I'm menopausal.....so i suppose its perfect, just a bit depressing. The woman playing the part of the bride is gorgeous, shes' almost too perfect, so it makes sense to have her be the bride. It was just a bit of a let down thats all. I'll be wearing a beautiful outfit and it cost more than I pay for groceries all month, so I really can't complain.

My cinderella glass slippers will just have to stay in their box for another day.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Balance


sorry i havent written lately...

I went to visit my brother, his girlfriend, and his two boys in the Berkshires for 4 days.

It was wonderful to see them. I realized it had been almost a year since i'd seen them and that was when i was finishing up my chemo. Not the best kind of visit to have.

I rented a car and drove the 4 or so hours there. They live in such a beautiful home in the woods. Their dog is a sweetie too, had fun playing fetch with her, she wanted to play tug o war mostly.

I was chatting with a friend today and we discussed Balance.

What does it mean to find balance in your life?

I've mentioned this before here that its been a challenge to do the things i want to do and yet be aware of the things that might cause some problems if i over do them. Such as eating too much salt, or lifting heavy items, or being repetitious with activities. There are so many "shoulds and should nots" to be aware of. If i were to limit myself to everything i'm not "supposed" to do, i'd have a really boring life.

Yesterday i got a cautionary lesson.

I had a lovely lunch with my father outside at my favorite japanese restaurant. I forgot to bring sunblock and got a horrible burn on my arms. I have a fancy looking farmers tan! :)

I am not supposed to get burned because it could cause lymphedema. I do NOT want lymphedema! I wasnt thinking of putting on lotion because my mind didnt go to the possibility of eating outside in the sun. I was thinking, "lunch with dad"....dont need lotion.

Now i know better.

I've been lathering on aloe and aquaphor, I used that during radiation treatments.

So, its a balance.

My friend said, "well, thats life, isnt it?"

True.

I guess I just wish i didnt have all these extra worries to think about now.

I suppose if it wasnt this, it would be something else.

I was able to balance my fun with my brother without overdoing it, going for a light hike, seeing some wonderful performance poetry, eating great food, playing with my nephews.

so, i got burned....lesson learned.

I hope.

Next lesson? we'll see.....

Monday, June 9, 2008

Patience and Tolerance


I woke up this morning to a sticky humid day. We're supposed to have high heat and humidity until at least wednesday.

I fed my cat Stewie and then he wanted to play with his gold bow, the kind you put on christmas presents, he loves his bow so much!

As most of you know I adopted Stewie about two weeks before I found my dreaded lump. I feel he came to me at the right time for the right reasons. Comfort, Love, Healing.

When I adopted him he was very scared and had been traumatized. I wasn't sure I could find the patience to wait and see if he could relax and be the cat I so needed in my life. It was a challenge to wait it out. Some days I wanted to bring him back to the shelter and tell them it wasnt going to work out. Something told me to just wait, breathe, be patient, he'll come around. This wasn't about ME, it was about what Stewie needed.

He used to growl and hiss at me, stay under my bed all day. I began to take it personally like he was reflecting my emotions back at me. I was somehow causing all this drama.

After about 2 weeks and when I found the lump he started to come around. I didn't get the lump checked right away. It was Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I didn't have time to worry. I would see my new OBGYN in January. Now I realize I should have gotten it checked out immediately. Lesson learned.

Stewie started to trust me. He would sit on my lap for about 5 seconds. Then he would let me pet him for more than a second. Eventually he even allowed me to pick him up. Every time some new goal was met i'd tell my friend Nancy about it. We would celebrate and feel the joy of a cats love and trust. It became a challenge for me. What could I do next? What would Stewie allow me to do?

Now he sits on my lap for quite a while. He especially loves to sit there if I have a certain pair of jeans on. I'm thinking of making a cat bed out of jean material. He's got his quirks and attitude and still gets nervous when I do certain things.

I was patient with him and earned his trust and in turn has given me so much love.

This morning I realized that he still has his issues but don't we all?

He came with terror and sorrow and all the baggage of a soul being traumatized. He also came with asthma. When we played this morning he could only play for so long before his lungs got overworked and he had to rest. He has limits and thats ok. We can work with that.

I realize that we all have limits, we all have boundaries.

Sometimes I think that I have so much baggage or issues that I wonder if anyone can find the patience to deal with me?

My true friends and family have stuck by me through all the drama and terror and sadness. They have showed patience and trust that I just do things differently. I am going forward at a steady pace. It may not be as fast as people may want me to go, but I'm still going, at my own rate, not anyone elses.

Just like Stewie, I have to do what feels right for me.

I am making progress even if it seems like i'm not.

The people in my life that can't understand or want to change that? I can't help that or make them change their view. All I can do is be true to myself and move forward, even if its at a snails pace. I'll get there eventually, even if I trip along the way.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Monkey Mind


Do you ever have moments when your mind goes from one thought to another, to another, to another...etc?

I heard the term monkey mind during a meditation once. The idea of meditation, well, ...what i've learned,... is to eventually quiet the mind or at least be able to notice the thoughts coming and going like on a river, floating on a leaf. You can watch it make all its winding turns before you can't see it anymore. Each thought can come and go like that. Another thought I want to add is this morning when i was doing dishes my MM started up and i told myself to focus on the dish i was washing and it worked, its a Thich Nhat Hanh method I believe, ...be in the moment with the dishes.......:)

Well, lately i've had monkey mind like crazy! I started a new med to help with some anxiety and such, and it didnt go so well. It put me into a daze and then caused some insomnia. No fun. Then when i went off of it yesterday it caused extreme anxiety. I got a lot of house work finished but it wasnt fun.

I wish sometimes we could switch our brains off at night along with the lights. Have you seen the movie "Alien"? The aircraft crew go into these pod like devices to sleep until they get to their destination. Almost like they are anesthetized.

Some day I bet we'll have devices to help us turn off the monkey mind and get a decent nights sleep.

For now i'm counting sheep, watching the river flow (then having to go to the bathroom), counting my breaths, drinking sleepy time tea, and waiting for the meds to get out of my system.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Am I Doing Enough?


I've been thinking a lot about respecting the planet and doing things that I feel will benefit me financially as well as reusing etc...

I believe I do quite a bit for that sort of thing. There are certain things that are challenging but if I were to just take the extra time, they are possible. Its funny when we as humans get into our routines. Its a challenge to break them and start something new.

For example....I needed to replace my shower curtain liner. Its been over 6 months or so since I last got one. I have a cloth curtain and use a liner. The liner gets mildewy and starts to get that moldy smell. Ideally I could wash the liner. Right.....I just can't seem to justify taking the time to remove the liner from all those loops and lay it out on my living room floor and wash it. So I throw it away. Yep, all that plastic into the land fill.

Some day I will figure out how to wash one, or get a liner that doesnt need to be washed, or move into a place that makes it easier to do that kind of thing....

The things I do accomplish are using dish wash cloths instead of sponges, I can wash them with my laundry. I recycle all my paper/plastic/aluminum etc.... I reuse plastic baggies until they get funky or worn out. I try to not buy plastic containers, stick to glass. (buy bulk lettuce/mesclun). I bring my cloth bags to the grocery store (when I remember to), I don't have a car, so I walk most places or take a bus. I try to buy organic and local produce. I save my compost and my friend who has a garden takes it for me. I'm sure theres more....oh , and I try my best not to shop at Walmart or big corporate stores. Local is better!

So, what things can you do to respect Mother Earth and to save some money as well....maybe switching your lightbulbs to more efficient and earth friendly ones? Maybe throw some cloth bags into your car to shop with? Ask for paper instead of plastic?

If you start with just one thing, a trend can start.

I spoke with a guy recently who washes those styrofoam holders that the chicken gets packaged on., he washes them and when he has a stack of them brings them to a school or some business who can use them, say for paint pallets or mixing plates, or some sort of project.

Theres always going to be that one thing thats hard to change, like throwing out that plastic liner.

I'm working on it.