Friday, January 25, 2013

Long Days

I'm finding my days are getting shorter but seem to be longer....I guess I mean that by 5pm I'm ready for bed but I have to stay up to take my meds and also so I won't wake up at 3am.

I went to sleep the other night at 8pm! I haven't been to sleep that early in years, ...or maybe when I was sick with a cold or flu, it's been a long time anyway.

I had an interesting day today. Mostly good and also just hard cuz it was emotional.

I woke up feeling so melancholy and couldn't figure out why. Was it because I ate too much sugar last night? Was it because I cut back on one of my pain meds and its affecting my mood too? ( i cut back to see if my mood would be better, i didn't ease into the dosage).I realized that it could be anything really. I was crying before I knew it. I almost canceled seeing a good friend of mine because I didn't want to burden her with my stuff and be overwhelming. I decided to take the chance and just see her and see if I could visit her animals or go to the ocean. We decided on the ocean. It was COLD out! But I got to cry and vent my stuff to her and feel like she really listened. She didn't judge and allowed me to slobber away. Then I wrapped myself up with a hat with ears and scarf and monster puppet gloves and went to the ocean. It felt good to take some pics and soak in the ocean air. Even though it was only about 10 degrees?, I am so glad we did that. You know its cold when part of the ocean near the sand is frozen. Salt water doesn't freeze that easily. The air has to be frigid!

I also took some video of the ocean with all the relaxing sounds of the waves coming gently to shore. I figure I could play that to relax sometime when I need to.

I then a while after my friend left I saw my new home health aide from hospice. She is really nice and helpful. She did some dishes and helped me water the plants. It was a little hard knowing she's there to help me and sometime, if I wanted to, I could get help with a shower or she can shampoo my hair. I don't want to look at that day right now. I would rather not go there quite yet.

Shortly after she left, I was on the phone with my nurse crying all over the place again. Then my friend Larry came over to give me an astrology reading and to catch up. Its been a while since we've visited. Poor Larry is sick though. He was nice enough to wear a mask just to be careful since my immune system isn't all that strong right now. Great reading and so nice to forget about the issues of mine and focus on someone else or at least not talk about my vitals or the cancer and all the related subjects. Sure it comes up but it isn't the whole focus.

I'm pretty tired from releasing and visiting but it was worth it. I hope I can wake up tomorrow and feel lighter and more balanced emotionally.

Feels like bedtime but its only 7:30....  :-/

Night ya'll

Melancholy Day

Woke up feeling really really blue.....

Not sure why....

The new egg crate padding has some kind of weird chemical on it, so I inhaled it all night, maybe thats it? Its now airing out in my back bedroom.

I had a pedicure yesterday and felt guilty about it somehow. Like there are other ways to spend my little money I have, but it was something a friend and I were planning on doing for a while, so I did it.

I look at my life in practical terms and it is so depressing. I was alone last night, most nights I am, and I just looked around at what I was doing or not doing and what my little world LOOKS like and it was just so sad. I wonder why I am here still? To sit on my new hospital bed and take pills to keep the waves of crippling pain away and write on my blog?

Sometimes I just think I should just go and let my family and friends start grieving. Being here in the way I'm here is uncomfortable for many people, including myself. Some people won't be near me because its just too much for them. I don't understand that, but on some level I DO.

If those people that feel uncomfortable, were going thru what I am going thru, wouldn't they want support from friends and family too? I just figure its THEIR journey and not mine. I can't make anyone want to be around me or talk with me about the cancer.

The woman who gave my friend and I pedis yesterday was very chatty. Too chatty for my taste. She asked what I did for work, then asked what meds I was on.....non of your business is what I wanted to tell her. Her face and energy changed when finally my answers weren't enough for her and I had to tell her I had metastatic breast cancer. She got all silent and looked down. Then proceeded to ask more questions. When did I get diagnosed and so on and so forth.

I just want to have a day where no one knows whats going on with me and I don't have to answer those uncomfortable questions and make others feel something dark. If someone were to film us thru a window with no sound.....you would see smiles and laughter and then a darkness when she finds out and then more uncomfortable movements and actions.

Some days I want to just put the cancer badge on the shelf and have a day off.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Day of filming

WOW! What a day today was!
I am exhausted and probably won't write too much but wanted to just say a couple of words. 

The two film makers Sharyn and Kevin showed up at my apt around 10am and we got started shooting probably around 10:30-ish, around 1:15pm we broke for lunch for about 45 mins, where I mostly shut my eyes to charge up my batteries. 

Then around 2:30 we shot again until 4:00. That was a whole lotta talkin' on my part, not used to that lately anyway.

I hope they got what they wanted and that it came across ok. Lots of questions asked and my responses took off in lots of directions. 

Stewie got to be in the film too. He was such a ham! 

They may not come back at all to interview me, but Kevin will come back to do some quiet shooting of my place and maybe scan some pictures, that kind of thing. So interesting, the whole process. 

I felt a bit of pressure to get it ALL out, what I wanted to say and to hopefully say things with clarity and understanding. I will trust that I said what needed to be said and I know that Sharyns' beautiful film making magic will result in a beautiful 15 minute film.

I hope that someone out there will find some inspiration from or help from the film, or maybe it will just be thought provoking? Who knows? It just felt like, to me, that something of my story/journey gets out there in some way. 

More later, this girl needs to stop writing/chatting and rest.

Peace and Love and Dark Chocolate Kisses to you all!
jenn