Friday, September 28, 2007

Day Twenty Eight

Over slept today, i haven't done that in months! I usually wake up and can't get back to sleep if its around 6 or so, but today i woke up at 7:20 and thought i was dreaming. I suppose my body is really needing some sleep lately.

I had my moms car this morning so i didnt walk to the hospital, I borrowed her car so i could get to my new class i started today. Its a yoga class with a twist, involves talking, breathing and writing in a journal. Goes for 8 weeks. An early birthday present from my mom and stepdad, thank you guys!

I was feeling very disconnected in class however, not myself at all. Mostly due to the fatigue. I'm sure that by the 3rd class when i'm finished with the radiation i'll be more myself, more energetic.

Not a lot to tell about the treatment today. It was the last day i'm getting zapped in four different places. so thats a milestone. Monday i'll be having the treatments only on the incision area. I noticed some pain that seemed like it was coming from my lung, right lung or ribs, but i think its my lung. It's happened a few times in the last few days. Doesnt last too long but its a bit startling. I did read in a pamphlet about radiation that some people get a cough from the treatment. I still have the minor sore throat as well.

I was told by R that this weekend I may really feel the treatments catch up to me and i'll need to rest. Also that my skin could get worse this coming week. Its a delayed reaction, like how a sunburn can be worse the next day, really settle in. Same idea but takes a few days to kick in.

So, i'm wondering if I should continue this blog after i'm finished with my radiation. I wonder if people will still read it and care to read it afterwards? Let me know if you think I should or shouldn't continue posting. Thanks!

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Only 5 more to go!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Day Twenty Seven

Wow, what a hot and humid night last night, it got up to the nineties yesterday. Broke all kinds of weather records. Hello global warming.

Walked to radiation this morning.

It was a busy morning in the waiting area. Usually i see one person from time to time but today there were two women waiting. I spoke with one woman who was about to have her first treatment. She is having a different kind of radiation treatment than I am having. Apparently its a type of ablation, where a balloon was surgically placed on the side of her breast and then i'm not sure what happens. She told me she has had the lump for years and has just been watching it, along with her doctors. It changed recently and turned cancerous but they still got it early. She's having ten treatments. No chemo, so shes lucky in that sense.

She along with a few people lately, have asked how old i am, and that i seem young. I mention my age and people agree that i am indeed young. It got me thinking. Age is relative isnt it? I believe in general that people are more upset when they hear of someone young, especially children, getting sick. I know for me i get more upset when i see animal abuse than some accident or illness someone may get. Dont get me wrong, i am upset at most tragic events, but for some reason it hits me hardest when i see animals suffer. Maybe its the helpless feeling or the confusion of how someone could hurt an animal, i dont understand it.

I notice children with cancer now and have a bit of a different view on things. I see anyone with cancer and think its not right, no matter how old they are. Its not fun and no one should have to go through it. When older people get sick its almost accepted and people say "well, they had a full life".

I know I am lucky compared to lots of sick people who are in pain and are suffering so much more than me.

I was speaking with another survivor today who has a friend who was recently diagnosed with ALS, (Lou Gehrigs Disease), .......now that is an awful awful disease! I really dont think i could ride that journey out to the end. She has four children as well. Puts things into perspective for me.

My friend and I were also speaking about how we don't know how we are going to die, even she, whose cancer has come back in her bones, doesnt really know if thats how shes going to die. She mentioned how she almost got hit in a crosswalk the other day, a three car fender bender as she was crossing the street. She said that that would have been ironic dying that way instead of cancer.

I was leaving the hospital today and there was a fierce thunder and lightning storm going on. I had to run for the bus in pouring rain, coming down in sheets. Lightning all around. I have a bit of a dislike of T&L storms, i dont mind the rain but the lightning i can do without. Its so unpredictable and dangerous. i sat on the bus and we just rode around in what seemed to be the eye of the storm, rain is pouring into the bus through the windows, wind blowing, seats getting soaked, lightning all around. We're sitting in a metal box with windows all around us. Not a joy ride for me. I just sat with my eyes closed most of the time, trying to breathe. I was thinking how ironic it would be if i died by lightning, .....but it really isnt ironic. None of us know how we are going to die, or when, just that we will someday.

Only six more to go!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Day Twenty Six

Hot, hot hot today, and pretty humid, although there's a breeze.

Walked to the hospital today.

The sun is coming up later and later in the morning, its hard to get out of bed when its still dark out.

Not much to report today, my head is still swirling with the latest information on the choices i need to make soon.

I spoke with another patient who is getting radiation around the same time I am. Mr J, he told me how amazed he is how tired he gets after not doing too much. He said he is moving in with his girlfriend and was just moving boxes from one room to the other on saturday night and after just a little while he said he was hit hard with fatigue, his sleep was disturbed and he had a low grade fever with chills. Hmmmmmm, sounds familiar. Can't be related to radiation though, thats what the doctors told me. Yeah, right. He is half way through his treatments, i remember wondering if i'd make it to the half way part. Now i only have 7 more to go!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Day Twenty Five

Walked to Radiation today. Its been summer like temps the last two days and supposed to be even hotter tomorrow.

Today I saw Mr A, sweet as ever, he gave me a small book he had published in 2006, but had started writing the stories in 1954. He signed it to me. Very thoughtful.

The two techs today are sick with colds, so i was hoping they wouldnt get too close. I really don't want to be sick. The exhaustion has been very intense. I find i'm resting more and more. The techs took another x-ray today. I have one once a week. I swear i must glow in the dark from all the radiation i've had. I could probably fry an egg.

So, yesterday i met with my oncologist. We talked for a long time. He's really great about letting me ask as many questions as i want and giving me very in depth answers. We discussed hormone therapy and the options. I have strong concerns about Tamoxifen.

Unfortunately pre menopausal women don't have as many choices as post menopausal women, as far as drugs are concerned. I need to decide if i want to go into menopause permanently, or temporarily, thus having two menopauses. I already had a mini one when my ovaries shut down during chemo, that was no fun at all! I don't plan on having children but the risks of early menopause are there. There are risks of osteoporosis and other things.....If i take the drugs there are a lot of major concerns/risks to think about.

If i do nothing, my chances of my cancer coming back are higher. My onc said that the hormone therapy would decrease my chances of getting the cancer back, by about 15-20 percent.

I meet with my doctor again on October 22nd with my decision.

On my walk home today i saw lots of monarch butterflies. There was one huge one on the grass, i decided to kneel down next to it and see if it would climb on my fingers. It did for a few seconds. what a feeling.....to feel the gentle touch of a butterfly on your fingertips. Theres nothing like it.

Only 8 more to go!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Day Twenty Four

Woke up early to the eerie sound of a cat fight, or a cat very upset. I don't like that sound, my cat didn't either. I couldn't get back to sleep even though it was still dark out.

I listened to the early morning sounds, the birds waking up, the sun growing brighter in the sky. I saw the signature V shape of a bunch of geese, probably Canadian geese, flying west. Reminded me of that wonderful movie Winged Migration.

I went to a benefit fundraiser even for the Cancer Community Center I like to go to. It was a beautiful day for it. The event was held at a place that has trails and beautiful areas to hang out in and enjoy. People raised over $40,000.00 for the event! So great! My dad and stepmom walked with me. We did the 5K walk, there were some hills but not too bad. We made it ok. It felt good to accomplish something like that. I remember being able to hike mountains, nothing major but still a mountain, and not i'm lucky to get up a hill, but i know it takes time. I will get there again. Slowly but surely.

Walked to the hospital today, nice sunny day again.

Today i was told that the techs had to set up the area that's going to be "boosted" on the last five days. They had to draw dots around the incision area, the one that had the tumor, and take a picture, get a metal molding-type plate that fits so the opening is big enough for the radiation to go to the incision area but not other areas, i believe thats the procedure.

My arm was losing all circulation from keeping my arm up for the regular treatment and then for the set up time, pins and needles and throbbing.

Then i met with one of the nurses, the one i like, M. She weighed me, gained one pound, must have been the cookout yesterday. I met with yet another radiologist i had never met. I liked him ok, Mr M. He has nice blue eyes. I asked him about the boost and if it was going to be a much higher dosage of radiation and apparently they start out with "grey/gray one and go up", whatever that means. so, yes, they will start at one level and go up for the remaining sessions. I'm getting 5 boosts. I asked if i will be really wiped out due to the boosts, and he said that because the radiation is cumulative i will be feeling more tired only because i will have had 28 treatments before the boosts start and the fatigue will hit me around that time and be pretty tired for a week or two after i finish up. Doctor M at least answered my questions, but he seemed anxious to get going somewhere else, busy busy.

I see my Oncologist today, to discuss hormone therapy and my choices. On to the next phase of treatment.

Only 9 more to go!