Animals know when you are being REAL

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Hi ya'll

I woke up today thinking about someone whom I am having a hard time communicating with and decided for at least right now I cannot be in a relationship with this person in any shape or form. It is unhealthy for my body and spirit.

I was with my dear step sister in law…..my sister….:) and we got to hang out for a little bit. (Time that went way too fast.) Then I went to my friend Vickie’s house, about 20 minutes away, where she has three horses. I love being around her horses. They are such wonderful beings. I feel grounded to be with them. Vickie is starting a wonderful therapeutic program with some other individuals who are of the same mind and wanting to help people thru horses and their guidance.

I wasn’t sure what to expect and was a bit nervous at first but loved being with the horses. First another woman and I were brushing one of the horses named Java. He seemed to be so happy about that. Having two ladies brush him at the same time, it was like he was a Prince. I noticed the smell and warmth that the horse had. Very comforting with all the senses, except not the taste. That would be pushing it a bit far I think. LOL. Although a few horse flies wanted to fly into my mouth, luckily they didn’t succeed.

Then we, this other woman and I, picked a horse we wanted to work with. I picked Oscar. He is a beautiful tan horse with a white mane that has a black stripe down the center. From when I first met Oscar maybe a year ago? I loved being near him.

Each of us got two people to work with as well. I went to Oscar and got the rope to guide him to the shade and I wasn’t sure what to do or what to say or ? I knew what emotions were coming up for me but thought, …no, I don’t need to go there, It’s something I can work on later when I get home. But as soon as I tried to push that thought away and go somewhere else in my mind and heart, Oscar went away from me. He wanted me to be REAL. Here I am telling people to Keep It Real and I don’t go there. So didn’t I feel like a hypocrite? LOL

I decided to go back and sit in the chair and I started to cry and cry. Suddenly Oscar came over and was so strong. I won’t get into everything I said and how Oscar acted but one thing I won’t forget is that this horse licked my tears off of my face. I swear to the Goddess! I was pouring out tears and as soon as my right eye poured out some tears, he had his mouth on my cheek and I felt his tongue lick my tears off my face. He was comforting me but also I felt he wanted me to be strong. To sit with my strength of making the correct decisions for me right now. I have a right to have loving and supportive people around me while I die and I deserve to say no to behaviors that are filled with anger and judgment towards me. I don’t know how much time I have left. I deserve to live and die how I choose and be around people I choose to be around.

I have been living for other people for so long and taking care of their emotions and needs and not taking care of mine. I think its about time I did that don’t you think? If ever there was a time.

I know that my passing is going to be messy and I’m not going to heal every relationship before I go. I do feel like I’ve tried so hard to be authentic with people and try my best to love and understand where someone is coming from. I can’t force people to act a certain way or ask something from someone that they can’t give. But I CAN put up healthy boundaries and not allow myself to be treated unfairly.

My family and friends who understand this are so supportive of me and my path. I am so lucky and so grateful to have a loving and supportive community around me. I am also thankful for the healing power of animals, especially to Oscar, a Fjord whom was so sweet and supportive today and allowed me to cry on his neck and stood strong for me when I couldn’t. While standing out of the shade and back in the sun, I silently thanked him and he walked back to his herd of horses, his family.

G.L.A.D.

Hi ya'll

I keep telling my local peeps that I will blog today, and I don't, then I say the next day, yes, i'll
blog today, and I don't.

I think the reason I haven't been posting lately is that it's getting harder to write out emails and
my body is so exhausted lately.

The worst part of this journey lately is the fatigue. By the time it gets to be around this time, which is almost 7pm, I usually can't imagine doing anything at all.

Lately it is all day that I feel this way. Fatigue. It is like no other kind of tired that I can explain
to you all and you'll get it, unless you have had cancer and are experiencing the cancer fatigue and
then the dying of cancer fatigue. I get pissed off that I am so tired and can't go one more hour with
my family who are visiting for two days. I HAVE to go to sleep or at least lay down and have complete silence. My body and mind and spirit demands it.

So, I thought I would start doing something that my dear Sister aka Sista Love suggested I do when I'm too tired to write out a long update.

She taught her daughter this when she had to do a daily journal.

G.L.A.D.

G for what I am grateful for today or in general..... today I am grateful for my Sista Love and for the sun that showed itself for a couple of hours this morning where I got to walk the beach with my mom.

L for something I learned today or in general......today I learned that Labs can smell your mouth and know what you had to eat hours before and thats mostly why they want to "kiss"you, to smell all the wonderful (icky) smells of your mouth. I learned that from the therapy dogs' owner today on our visit.

A for something I accomplished today or in general.....I was able to upload some pictures to my computer , yep that's about it other than the basic stuff.

D for something that delighted me today or in general.....It delighted me to rub Sox the dogs' belly and hear his grunting sound which means he's happy, to see him roll and roll in the grass.

So, thats about it for now......other than the fatigue and some other pain, I am getting along o.k.

Emotionally not feeling too swell but its not critical. I cried last night during a romantic love scene where the man leaves on a train and the woman is running after it crying. I usually never cry like that, but last night it got to me.

I will (most likely, pretty much in the bag) never be in another romantic relationship again. Sometimes that fact just hits me in the gut. Sometimes I just look forward to the day I get to see
my boyfriend who died, on the other side, some day soon.

Maybe you all can try the G.L.A.D. recipe and see what comes up for you?

Thanks Sista Love, I love you to the moon and back again!
xoxo