Friday, October 19, 2007

Pea Soup

It is incredibly foggy out right now. My mind knows there are other buildings and trees beyond what i can see, but my eyes only see the house next door and the tree in front of it. The rest is white.

It is fitting for my mood lately. I know I need to "go inward", become introspective. My mind is wanting a different plan. My mind is racing and incredibly busy trying to work out what my next move should be. So much information swirling about my head, details .....details.....details......

driving me nuts

I got a cold yesterday. First one all year. I've been so careful when i was on chemo and radiation, surgery etc... didn't get sick once, only sick from treatments, that was enough.

when a person who has had cancer gets sick, it becomes a bit more concerning than if i had gotten sick before cancer. Theres always this worry in the back of my mind that if this is a really bad cold it could put me in the hospital if my immune system cant handle it. I'm sure i'll be fine, its just the worrier part of me stepping up.

I know its a combination of being on a full bus with coughing and sneezing people going to NH, stress and not sleeping/eating as well that made me sick. Also the worrying i'm constantly doing. I am trying to take some time to be still and listen, to quiet my mind. I'm resisting. I want to avoid and escape. I really don't want to make any decisions about hormone therapy, hysterectomy, or any other decisions right now. I want to have fun and relax. My oncologist is pushing me to make a decision soon. The protocol is to get onto some sort of drug therapy a few weeks after radiation is finished. That would be right about now.


i want to throw a tantrum and not do anything, kick my feet, pound my hands on the floor and scream at the top of my lungs! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm finally feeling better than i've felt in years, and now I'm being asked to change that.

I've always been a stubborn person. I want to do things my way. My mom told me some stories of how she'd try to pick out clothes for me when i was little and i refused. I would put the most odd combinations of clothes together and was perfectly happy with my decisions. I'm not happy with not doing a thing, i'm not happy about any of the choices presented to me right now.

What to do?

I need some more time. I will try to allow some quiet time and listen to what my body tells me. I've been praying to whomever will listen out there. I would appreciated some guidance.

On a different note.......

I had a wonderful experience while walking down my friends dirt road in NH. It was about 7a.m. The sun had come out, it was chilly but crisp, clean air. Quiet. Birds waking up. Mist coming off of the pond and grass. I saw a face with big ears looking at me in a field. It was a good sized buck, he seemed young. maybe a teenager? He had antlers but not filled in, still had some white on his chest. Majestic. I stopped in the road and we just stared at each other for minutes. I could have stood there for ever. I wanted to send him love and an understanding that I wasnt an enemy.

It was a peaceful, beautiful moment.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Celebrate! Celebrate!

This week has been a bit of a blur, but in a good way! Very busy.

I have been behind with my emails and phone calls. I've been running around with appointments and having fun, with no time for anything else. I deserve a fun week, for sure! I did deal with some business as well, going over my options for the next step in my treatment. I still havent decided yet, what path to go down. Next week i'll be more focused on my research and making some sort of decision.

I just wish i could have a year off before i decide anything. I don't really have that luxury. I suppose i could take some time off, but it would be against my doctors recommendations.

I want to throw a tantrum and not do anything. I finally feel more myself. I'm not sure when the last time I felt this good, in some ways, was. Even before my cancer diagnosis.

I don't want the good feelings to go away. If I make a decision things will change, maybe temporarily, but it will change.

On a lighter note. I had a blast at a fund raiser for Live2Thrive, Live pronounced like give. Its a new group for young cancer survivors from ages 18-45 or so. The group is through the Cancer Community Center. So the benefit was at a bar called Una. They are known for their good martinis. The picture of me is at Unas with my first martini in almost a year. Yummy! The band was awesome, Rustic Overtones, thanks guys! I had two friends come up from NH and my step sister went too. Fun times!

I met a guy there that had done 3 tours in the military. One to Sudan/Darfur, One to Baghdad, and one to Fallujah. He looked fairly young and told me he is going back and he "loves it!". Wow. I felt very sad after speaking with him. His face changed when he started telling me about how we are so sheltered over here, that the media waters down the truth. He also mentioned how troupes have been going over to Korea for some time now, getting ready for another possible war. Who knows if thats true, but it wouldnt surprise me if we (USA) went after Korea or Iran next. .......Sigh......I don't understand how a young man can say that he loves it over where there is so much hate and violence. How can war be glamorized? I don't understand it.

Friday night I went to a party for my friend Matt, Happy Birthday Matt! Good food, good company! I wish i had had energy to play ping pong with the kids. I used to love to play that when i was young. I remember there being a ping pong table in the family den. I dont have a lot of memories of my young life, but thats one of them.

Friday day i had been down town, took a bus. It was absolutely pouring out, all day. Streets were flooding, drains clogging, skies opened up. On the bus there was only one other woman sitting near the driver. Shes a regular rider who knows the driver. They were singing old songs, it was really nice. Pouring rain, windows all fogged up, with singing. On my way home, i walked quite a way, getting more and more soaked. After a while it doesnt seem to matter that i have an umbrella. I just laughed and started singing, "I'm singing in the rain...." it makes no sense to be upset or irritated. I'm glad i could laugh about it.

I believe everyone should sing in the rain at least once in their lifetime, its very cleansing for the soul.

Yummy Mochatini at Unas