Friday, September 21, 2012

New Information

Happy Friday Ya'll!

So today is a bit better for me than yesterday as far as the pain and emotional feelings. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the pain and feel the tears wanting to come but its not as overwhelming as yesterday. Neither good or bad. Just is.

I met with my Hospice Nurse yesterday. She's very nice and comes highly recommended.

She , lets call her P, (for privacy). P went over some info with me that was very eye opening and I may have looked like a deer in headlights to her.

I was told that if/when I get to a stage that I will need 24 hour care and no family or friends are able to stay with me etc....that I'll have to go to the hospital or to Gosnell Hospice Home. Yesterday P told me that yes thats true but ONLY if I am assessed as having only 2 weeks to live will I be able to go to the Hospice Home. The hospital will only have me for 3 days give or take a day. Then P says I will have to go to a Nursing Facility. I said..."you mean a nursing home?!". Yes, P said. If I am not "actively dying".

WHAT THE FUCK!!!? No way! I can't go to a nursing home at the age of 43 (on October 8th)!!! So, I really want to make sure I stay at my home for as long as possible and then somehow make it so I don't go to a nursing home. NO!

Also, P was going over my "comfort pack", which is a box containing meds that in case a nurse can't get to me and I need something to help me out. That was also an eye opening, heart palpitating, hands shaking...kind of moment. Some items include suppositories in case I can't swallow pills, one was drops to dry up the water that could accumulate in the back of my throat....etc....I won't go into it all. I think you get the drift. WOW!

This is definitely hitting home for me. I am NOT however thinking this is going to happen tomorrow!

My plan is to do as much as I can do within reason for as long as I can do them. Hence my previous comments about being in the moment.

When my dear sista love came over the other day we were discussing this. I told her that every single appointment I have, whether it be a hair appointment, or getting groceries, or seeing people, every single appointment is highlighted and important. I don't know what kind of experience I will have during each appointment or visit.

When I got my hair cut the other day I was telling my hair stylist woman a little of what was going on and I could tell it made her think about things for her self. She has been trying to quit smoking and didn't want to follow up on her mammogram that came back not so good. She wants to just put her head in the sand......

So, what I'm trying to say is that each experience I have with every human being right now is so precious to me. I never know what will happen, what will be said, what affect that person will have on me and maybe what affect I may have on that person.

I really seem to be getting it now. That whole living in the moment thing that people have over used for decades. I am getting a big glimpse of it now. WOW.

Today I am seeing a dear friend and treating her to lunch for her birthday.

I wonder what lessons I will learn? :)

Blessings to you ALL!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Stress

Good Morning to you all!

Yesterday was a good lesson for me. One of those lessons that are sometimes hard to learn.

I pushed myself way too much and am now paying for it. The pain has increased quite a bit.

I know now that stress = more pain.

I also know that lots of lifting and awkward movements can also = pain.

And a third lesson is that being overtired can also = pain.

I'm learning as this journey continues.

Woke up very cranky and feeling sorry for myself. Living alone can sometimes be challenging when you are feeling vulnerable. I do have a wonderful Maine Coon Cat Stewie who I love and adore and am soooo grateful for. Its still not quite the same as having a human companion with you.

I am going to take it easy today and hopefully my positive self will return.

Self care is whats on board today.

I hope you all are having a wonderful start to your Thursday and its almost the weekend! yay!

Blessings

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Morning Worries

Good Morning ya'll!

Just wanted to make a note to some of you that are new to my page that you can FOLLOW it and you'll get an email notification every time I post.

So, I woke up this morning with a lot of pain. My mind went to a darker place of "oh no! I'm getting worse and I'm running out of time!"...panic set in a bit.

I curled up into a ball and let those fears go thru me and then asked myself what I could do to make myself feel better.

I did some stretches and then got up to start my routine. I definitely feel better now. The pain is still there but not screaming at me. I am taking a non-narcotic pain killer that I've recently discovered I can't go off of. I tried to cut back on it thinking maybe my energy would increase because it does make me a little sleepy. Well, not good. I was in so much pain.

One thing that helps me in the morning is my Maine Coon Cat Stewie. He makes me laugh every morning. After I feed him he runs into the living room (now my bedroom) and jumps on this trunk i have there. He wants me to scratch his butt and back, just love him up. So cute and makes me laugh every time. Its become our routine. :)

I have to remind myself that I am STILL recovering from major surgery that I had a month ago. I visited my surgeon for the last time as a post-op appt. He had originally told me that my recovery was going to be 6-8 weeks. Its been just over 4. I'm still recovering.

I get this panic that I won't have that "window" of time that will allow me to do what I want to do. I want to travel to swim with the dolphins, I want to go to my friend Nancys house for a visit. I want to go on photo shoots with some friends or on my own. I would take being able to walk more than 5 minutes without being out of breath right now.

I don't own a car and have walked around town everywhere. I take buses when needed but mostly I would walk. So this change is very challenging for me. I want to be out in this beautiful weather as much as possible. Maines' weather changes so fast. Thats why us maine-ahs appreciate the good weather while its here. A-uh!

My birthday is coming up and I'd LOVE to do something special like go out dancing for 80's night or go see Cirque Du Soleil that is coming here two days after or I don't know...drive up the coast.....

So, What i'm trying to tell myself now is to remember to be in the moment. Be present. Be here NOW.

Acceptance.....