So today is a bit better for me than yesterday as far as the pain and emotional feelings. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the pain and feel the tears wanting to come but its not as overwhelming as yesterday. Neither good or bad. Just is.
I met with my Hospice Nurse yesterday. She's very nice and comes highly recommended.
She , lets call her P, (for privacy). P went over some info with me that was very eye opening and I may have looked like a deer in headlights to her.
I was told that if/when I get to a stage that I will need 24 hour care and no family or friends are able to stay with me etc....that I'll have to go to the hospital or to Gosnell Hospice Home. Yesterday P told me that yes thats true but ONLY if I am assessed as having only 2 weeks to live will I be able to go to the Hospice Home. The hospital will only have me for 3 days give or take a day. Then P says I will have to go to a Nursing Facility. I said..."you mean a nursing home?!". Yes, P said. If I am not "actively dying".
WHAT THE FUCK!!!? No way! I can't go to a nursing home at the age of 43 (on October 8th)!!! So, I really want to make sure I stay at my home for as long as possible and then somehow make it so I don't go to a nursing home. NO!
Also, P was going over my "comfort pack", which is a box containing meds that in case a nurse can't get to me and I need something to help me out. That was also an eye opening, heart palpitating, hands shaking...kind of moment. Some items include suppositories in case I can't swallow pills, one was drops to dry up the water that could accumulate in the back of my throat....etc....I won't go into it all. I think you get the drift. WOW!
This is definitely hitting home for me. I am NOT however thinking this is going to happen tomorrow!
My plan is to do as much as I can do within reason for as long as I can do them. Hence my previous comments about being in the moment.
When my dear sista love came over the other day we were discussing this. I told her that every single appointment I have, whether it be a hair appointment, or getting groceries, or seeing people, every single appointment is highlighted and important. I don't know what kind of experience I will have during each appointment or visit.
When I got my hair cut the other day I was telling my hair stylist woman a little of what was going on and I could tell it made her think about things for her self. She has been trying to quit smoking and didn't want to follow up on her mammogram that came back not so good. She wants to just put her head in the sand......
So, what I'm trying to say is that each experience I have with every human being right now is so precious to me. I never know what will happen, what will be said, what affect that person will have on me and maybe what affect I may have on that person.
I really seem to be getting it now. That whole living in the moment thing that people have over used for decades. I am getting a big glimpse of it now. WOW.
Today I am seeing a dear friend and treating her to lunch for her birthday.
I wonder what lessons I will learn? :)
Blessings to you ALL!
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