Friday, January 18, 2008

Changes in the air


Lots of changes going on.

Life is constantly changing. Sometimes our lives seem to repeat certain patterns and other times there are major shifts that we are very much aware of.

The weather changes and our mood can change. I noticed it was rainy and cold out when i woke up and then by the afternoon it was sunny and 45 degrees. I was in a much better mood. Even though I didn't go outside I noticed the difference.

We have had snow, rain, sun, ice, and really cold temperatures in the last 4 days.

I have been in and out of the hospital, most of my reproductive parts removed, entering menopause, healing and moving onto the next phase of my life.

New year, new chapter.

On the physical side, here are the details....
I have three incisions where the surgeons removed the bits and pieces, one incision on my belly button, two on either side of my pelvis, held together by steri-strips. I have some bruising from the incisions and apparently during one of the incisions a spidervein was punctured, so there is more pain there from the internal bruising/bleeding. I had some pain in my shoulders from the gas that was inserted, trying to come out. I also have a lung infection or virus, not sure what exactly. Chest congestion basically. I have to breathe into a device to help strengthen my lungs. I have hot flashes that wake me up in the night a couple of times and are annoying throughout the day. Fatigue is an issue, so i sleep off and on all day. Other than that i'm doing ok.

I'm going a bit stir crazy. I'm hoping to get out for a walk tomorrow morning, even if its just to the store and back.

I'm on lifting restriction, so no changing the litterbox. :)

My dreams have been interesting. I only remember one that seems to be important. I was speaking to my mother, telling her that i'm sorry but i won't be able to give her any grandchildren. She then started bawling.

My step sister had an idea that maybe the mother in my dream was actually a part of me, the mother in me. That I need to come to terms with the loss of motherhood, at least the part where i actually give birth to a child. I may need to grieve that part of myself that may have yearned for childbirth.

Ok, i know i'm getting all (as a friend told me once) woo-woo now., Its just something to think about., wonder about.

One more thing i wanted to mention.....

I had brought some bunny ears that i had bought in Edinburgh on New Years Eve, to the hospital Monday. I wore them to my surgery and they let me hold onto them along with my CD player playing my surgery c.d., So when i got wheeled into surgery and on the way back from recovery, i wore these pink, fuzzy, ears. My surgeon loved them. She told me afterwards that when i was still out, after surgery, she wanted to show her partner the ears, and she put them on, her partner loved them, but my surgeon said, "oh, you haven't seen the best part, they flash!", the ears can be turned on and there are flashing lights on the ears. I wore them to my room and it was like a tidal wave. People looked at me and smiled or laughed. I told everyone i passed that i was spreading joy throughout the hospital. I figure if i make someone smile once that day, maybe that will help them and the people they are caring for. It was just great to see peoples reactions.

Everyone needs some bunny ears.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Home again

Just a quick note to say i'm home, safe and sound, out of the hospital and in from the storm.

Dealing with some aches and pains, and a possible lung issue, but otherwise doing good!

more later when the pain killers aren't making my head all mushy...

:)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Letting Go

It seems my appointments of some importance are met with drama most of the time.

Tomorrow is no exception.

There is a Nor'Easter due to hit here tomorrow morning around the time I will be traveling to the hospital for my surgery. No one has called to cancel the surgery, so i assume its still a go. I am guessing it could also be a wait and see kind of thing. If its horrible, maybe my surgeons and nurses couldnt make it into work? I really do want to get it over with, not wait any longer.

Sometimes we have to let go and see what happens, have faith, cross fingers, hope for the best....all of those things.

I hurried this morning to get my laundry cleaned, so i ran out of the house with only my stepdads car keys. I dropped off my laundry and decided to go for a walk during the wash cycle. Along my walk i realized i didnt have my house keys. I could have stressed out as to how i was going to resolve this issue, but i chose to tell myself it would all work out and continued on my fast paced walk by the ocean. Everything worked out, i got my keys through my friend who has a copy of my keys. I did feel bad for waking up my neighbor to call my friend, but she'll get over it. It all worked out ok. No need to stir up an ulcer for it.

Stressing out over something out of your control is unhealthy and a waste of energy. Thats the lesson I have learned this past year, along with a few more.

My good friend Nancy is coming up to stay with me tonight and taking me to the hospital tomorrow morning. She was there for my first chemo appointment and that was during a big snowstorm and oh yeah, valentines day. She'll get me to the hospital somehow, she has her shovel and i have some sand.

Now all we have to hope for is a team of doctors and nurses to perform the surgery.