Friday, November 26, 2010

November Rain


I haven't blogged here in months and months....i'm sure no one is still checking for posts but i wanted to write today

I have never liked the Fall and especially November.

There is always sickness and/or death at this time of year. Very depressing.

It's the time of year when the leaves die from trees, the crops have all been harvested (most of them) and the sun has weakened in strength.

Introspection

The last year or so has brought death to two friends of mine and some other people I know of thru cancer.

Last Sunday another friend died of cancer. Jennifer Willey(blog listed on left). She was only 31 and had been dealing with the hell of treatments and such for at least 5 years.

I only met her once in person and have followed her blog for over 3 years. We were supposed to try and have lunch sometime, hang out. That never happened.

Today I'm going to her wake

A good friend of mine is also dealing with major pain and issues from cancer. I went to see her in PA with my best friend who has been friends with Lina for years and years. I have only known her for a few years now. She is a wonderful, extremely giving, thoughtful, magical, beautiful person. I hate to see her in so much pain and discomfort.

I haven't been able to cry. I'm feeling emotional but no tears come.

I wonder if the wake will release the flood gates? It may be the trigger.

I try to look at all the beauty of this time of year as well, but lately its been really challenging.

I did cook my first ever turkey yesterday. I was on my own with my cat Stewie. That way no one is disappointed if it didn't come out ok. It turned out alright. Being on my own was actually pretty nice. Mellow day.

I am thankful and grateful for all the abundances in my life, including all my family and friends.

I just wish i could appreciate the Fall better. I"m working on it.


Monday, May 24, 2010

Todays' Horoscope

Libra, Monday, 24 May 2010

Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead

Everyone on Planet Earth is going through deep psychological change of one kind or another now. None of us are able to hang on to the way things once were. The changes happening in your life now represent a significant opportunity. You don't have to stick with an old idea of who you are, who you must 'pretend to be' and how you must limit your expectations for the future. You're coming out of a shell and into a state of mind that is more vulnerable in one way รข€" yet, in another, far more likely to bring you real power.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Kite Flying


I went to a kite festival today. It was incredibly windy...almost too much for the kites. It was still a lovely day. I attached a picture of one of the kites I saw.

It got me thinking about flying.

I love to watch the birds in the morning and seeing them fly from tree to tree talking to one another.

We humans say we are more evolved than birds and other animals but I have to wonder about that. They have a system that seems to work pretty well with one another. They have predators and such but otherwise it seems they live pretty peacefully.

I think we could learn from the birds and other animals. How we treat one another and how we treat the earth and its resources.

I walked a lot today and now my legs and feet are aching. On my way back from the festival I sure would have rather flapped my arms and flew the last leg home.

I am grateful for being able to walk as much as I do. I know there are many people who aren't able to do that. There are people that are bed ridden from illness or disability. I have a friend who is still recovering from a brain aneurism and is learning how to transfer from a chair to the bed or another chair. Its a huge effort she has to make to do so.

I do realize I am lucky to have pretty decent health over all considering all my body has been through over the years.

Lately, however, I have been feeling pretty old. I know part of it is just getting old and part of it is my recovery from cancer treatment and of course the other part is that I am out of shape and could do more to take care of myself.

I do miss being able to do certain things without being in pain and having to recover from it. I carried two heavy bags with a backpack as well, yesterday, and I'm recovering from that. The bags were too heavy and my back, neck and feet are really hurting.

I'm trying to keep a positive grateful approach about it all. Some days are harder than others.

Maybe I'll dream of myself flying over the ocean tonight in my dreams.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Happy May Day!


Today and this weekend some folks celebrate Beltane and/or May Day. It's when Spring is at its fullest. A time to celebrate fertility of not just becoming pregnant literally but to fertilize projects you may have been working on during the Winter months. A time to move forward with new ideas. Letting go of past hurts that you may have been working on releasing. Watch things grow and be an active participant in doing so. We have to water the plants and make sure they get enough sun.

Today is also my good friend Nancys' birthday! Happy Birthday Nanc!

I also found out some upsetting news about another friend of mine whose cancer has come back after only a year or so since her first treatment was ended.

I really try not to think about whether or not cancer will strike me again, but reality is that I think of it quite a bit. I don't believe I dwell on it, its just there. I relate it to having that fear of something....like dogs or snakes etc.... You don't dwell on it but it's there.

I get so angry when I hear the news of yet another wonderful person getting bad news. I just want to throw a fit and scream!

On a positive note....I am back online due to a generous house warming gift from my friend Dan! He sent me a new laptop! Its about 6 years old but its still newer than my old one, so its new to me! :) I am so grateful! Thank you Dan!!

I'm going to a May Pole/Beltane ritual celebration tomorrow at a local beach. We dance around the May Poles with ribbons and have our ritual then share a potluck meal. All at the beach. I hope its a nice day out.

I started yoga classes up again. Its been years. Theres this self consciousness I get when I can't do all the poses and have to take care of certain body parts. Its like I'm less-than. Which logically I know isn't sensible. Emotionally there is no real logic.

Lots of changes happening. Perfect time of year.

New births and celebrations of many kinds and also a time of bad news and people in need. Is there someone you know that would benefit from your kindness in some way?

Blessed Be!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Less Connections


Happy Earth Day everyone!

It's also my step sisters' birthday, which is so perfect because she's such an earth mother goddess!

I am at the library now since my computer is sick and I can't afford to buy a monitor and certainly not a new computer right now. So, here I am with the 20 or so other people typing away on a public computer that is ergonomically incorrect and my wrists and back are already yelling at me...but who's complaining? :)

It is a newly renovated library that's really nice to hang out in. Nice and bright. Not the dark quiet libraries of the past. It's very inviting.

I have had an almost phobia towards libraries. Recently I've thought about that and pondered why that is. My friend Nancy said she remembers being brought to the library as a child and having a regular visit and introduction with her class. I don't remember that. I don't believe I was ever taught how to use the library. If I was then it didn't stick.

I get overwhelming anxiety going to the library. All the rows and rows of books with the dewey decimal system to figure out.

Some people love hanging out at the library for hours on end or going to an overcrowded bookstore and peruse. Not me. It is anxiety making.

I'm learning to like it here and someday I hope I can love it here. For now i'm using the computer and taking out a fiction book or two, maybe a dvd. I leave as soon as possible.

I'll keep coming back and giving it a try and hopefully I'll stay here for hours and enjoy myself.

Did you know they have magazines to read here? A whole wall of them, all the latest ones I can't afford to subscribe to.

Health update........I saw my oncologist a week ago and all is clear cancer wise. yay!....I had a bone density scan recently and unfortunately my low back osteoporosis has gotten worse. Its always been tricky. I have lordosis (curvature) and arthritis, now my osteoporosis is worsening.....not good...felt very old getting that news.

I started yoga again, i got the ok from my breast surgeon to do so. I will see a specialist as well, in July. So, i'm still plugging along....

tip toeing thru the spring tulips

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Death and Rebirth


This time of year is about the rebirth of plants, animals and the sun being higher in the sky for a longer period of time. It's also a letting go time. Letting go of past regrets and starting fresh, a time of putting into action what has been "hibernating" all winter. Ideas and plans put into place and starting to move forward.

I'm noticing so many changes lately. I recently moved into a new apartment. In doing so I've purged a lot of material things that I don't use anymore and have no use for now. It feels really good to let go of things.

There is also some death. My friend Linda as I mentioned in my last post and now my friend Eve. She passed away on February 25th in NYC. I got to see her in Maine before she left for the city. I held back tears when I saw her. She had lost so much weight and was in pain. She was able to walk around and be active. For Eve, however, it was a huge set back.

I had wanted to go to NYC and see her before she died but wasn't able to and her husband politely encouraged me not to. It just wore Eve out too much to have visitors and it just didn't make sense to push her.

This past Sunday there was a memorial gathering at her home in Maine for all the Maine friends and family to pay their respects. The house was overflowing with I'd say about 100 people going in and out. Eve touched so many lives for so many years.

She was a big sister and was very active with play writing and acting and so much I don't even know about.

What I do know is how much of an impact Eve had on my life. She listened without judgment and asked questions that drew out emotions and personal details of my life. It always made me feel better to talk with Eve. We laughed a lot too. We were able to joke about our cancer experiences and side effects. I think Eve felt she could complain about her discomfort to me and it was o.k. I wasn't going to try and fix it or tell her to just be positive. Sometimes you just need to complain to someone who gets it.

I would get these thoughtful and joyful cards hand written to me from Eve. I felt guilty for not writing back as much as I wanted to. I looked forward to her cards and even received one a couple of days before she died. I could tell she was struggling but she kept busy till the end.

We played Bingo at the Cancer Community Center and made May baskets and crafty things that Eve doesnt usually like to do but humored me. We just wanted to hang out and so we did silly things together. I'll never forget it.

Eve was a fireball of energy but she also could just be quiet and listen.

I will miss her and love her so much and can't believe I won't see her again in this lifetime. Not getting her emails or letters or meeting for lunch. I wish I had had more time to get to know Eve.

Its a time to let go of people and things and regrets...look forward, but never forget the good times or the wonderful people who affect and transform our lives.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Remembering......


I woke up this morning remembering a friend who I recently found out has passed.

Her name was Linda and she was an amazing woman. Her husband called me a few days ago. I think he must have gotten a message from Lindas' coworkers that I had emailed her wondering how she was doing. It had been since November that I had seen or heard from her. We would go months without contact then we'd have lunch and it was like no time had passed between us.

Linda passed about a month after we had had lunch. I had no idea. Lindas' husband said that her service was overflowing with over 400 people. I wish I could have gone and I really wish I had been able to say goodbye to her and let her know how much she meant to me.

I first met Linda when I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. I was struggling with the decision as to whether or not to get genetic testing. A woman from the Cancer Community Center had connected us. Linda had first been diagnosed with the same exact cancer as I had and had been cancer free for 15-20 years? From our first conversation we hit it off. She was extremely supportive and inspirational. Her cancer came back in her bones and she went a few years keeping "it" at bay but the damn C took over.

We had lunch many times. Sometimes we would just sit in her car by the ocean and talk. One time we talked for over 2 hours. I felt like she really got what I was going through. She listened and didn't judge or try to fix it. We laughed about silly things and I felt so comfortable with her.

She affected so many peoples' lives.

There is a brochure that comes out every year at the Cancer Community Center and every year they have different peoples' pictures in it. People who are or were dealing with the big C. I was asked if I could be one of those people. I later found out I was on the cover! Linda laughed and said we were "cover girls" because the year before she was on the cover too. Linda took me to the program at the center that gives you free makeup and teaches you how to draw on eyebrows and put on makeup so you don't look overly made up. Its a great program called Look Good, Feel Better. She had already been to it years before but she took me anyway. It really meant a lot to me. We laughed as we put on our makeup and tried to not look like clowns.

I'm going to really miss Linda so much.

I have another friend who isn't doing so well right now. She is in a lot of pain and has lost a lot of weight. I hate to see her suffering. She has been and is still a huge support for me. A great friend. I wish I could do something to help.

I have another friend who had a major brain aneurysm and is in rehab. She is only 42 years old but she is a fighter. She is making huge strides. I went to visit her the other day and brought her a tulip.

Sometimes the pain of others is so overwhelming. I am really trying to look at the beautiful things in the world and appreciate what I have. Be grateful. Today however....I'm sad and I'm finding it hard to not feel the pain and grief.

I'm moving at the end of the month and I'm mostly excited about it. There are so many details to figure out and worries to overcome.

I suppose I'm just feeling overwhelmed this morning.

It will pass I'm sure.

I just wanted to express my feelings about my sadness this morning.

I AM very lucky in many many ways....I'm also very sad today.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Winter in Maine


January is a challenging month in Maine.

Winter is definitely upon us. If its not snowing its frigid cold temperatures.

The light is starting to come back but not fast enough for me. Combine all those things and more and it becomes tough.

Then lets add in the devastating situation in Haiti. I am trying not to watch the news too much. It is overwhelming. I tend to soak it all in and become a bit paralyzed with sadness and grief. I wish I was in a position to go help out somehow. I don't have any money to give and don't have the physical strength to do much. It's that helpless feeling.

It seems like most people I know are going through something....sickness, death, money problems....it goes on.

I'm going to have to move from my apartment soon. My living situation isn't good. I have a neighbor who is being very difficult and disrespectful to the point where I've had enough. I'm working on my 4th year here and have had to deal with her. For the most part I've been able to be friendly with her and tolerate her paranoia and hostility, but now she's directing it towards me. It's not a healthy environment for me in every way possible.

I am not sure how i'm going to afford to move or whether my landlord will let me out of my lease early etc....I've got to do something. The energy of my place isn't good anyway, and I need more light and space. Change could be good. Its just not the best time to be moving. Winter in Maine.

I'm also starting a writing class soon. It's more of a therapy-type-group. I have to pay a deductible towards it and do some volunteer work for the rest that my insurance won't cover. I'm sure I'll look back at this time and realize it was a good thing but right now I'm in the midst of the chaos and it feels very unhealthy.

I know there is so much I should be grateful for but it's hard to see that at the moment. I'm really trying to look at the positive.

Maybe I need to start playing the lottery?

Most days lately I wake up and wonder what the point is of my life. Why do things like Haiti and Sudan and so on and so forth, happen? Wrapping my head around it all is too much at times.

Deep breath......