Saturday, February 23, 2013

What Will Never Be

So I'm watching a crime show drama and mostly I half listen while I play words with friends or something else, but today I paid attention for the most part.

You know how some people will cry at commercials or during the same song every time, even if played for a million times?

Well, I'm a bit of the opposite. I believe I grew up learning to be strong. Take care of myself at a pretty young age. Due to divorced parents and struggling times. My mom did the best she could at the time and I just ended up alone a lot. Latch key kid I suppose I'd call me back then.

I cried a lot as a teenager, with all those raging hormones, how could you not? Then as life happened and more and more challenging events hit me, I just shut down a bit. I went numb. Very depressed most of the time. I was still somehow able to work at least one job if not 3 at a time. I could put that "face" on pretty well. I worked for customer service type jobs mainly. I could deal with people really well after some time.

I feel like I've survived due to being shut down emotionally. Since my boyfriend died in 1999, It was like pandoras' box had been opened. When Stuart died, I was determined to do what ever I had to do to heal from the grief. I was NOT going to let yet another shitty event in my life bring me down. With help from so many people, therapists at first, I was able to start chipping away at the wall. About 11 months after Stuarts' death, I moved to SC to be with my aunt and uncle who put me to work on their small farm and beautiful property. It was a good thing, to be working on the land and learning how to brush a horse without being panicky. I was nervous about being near a horse for the most part. I learned how to get back up on my feet again. I also learned to love dogs. I had grown up with mostly cats. I was not really a dog lover. I got over that pretty quick with the 4 dogs to teach me. I love dogs now Thanks to my aunt and uncle, I was able to go to massage school in NC. That experience was wonderful for me. I faced some hard times learning physiology and kinesiology, anatomy and so forth.....not easy. I then went on to do other things.....my depression off and on, up and down. Things would get hard and I'd move back home, or towards family. Finally I ended up back home and decided to not move again. To stick it out and face my "demons" so to speak.

I won't get into all my history here, but I was reminded tonight that because of Stuarts' death, I was able to open up some doors that may never have been opened. I did so much work on healing my spirit and soul. There were times where I didn't want to go on anymore but something kept keeping me here. I couldn't understand it, why?

I'm still not 100 percent on the why answer yet, but I am grateful for so many experiences I've had since 1999 and especially since 2010.

I do have some really painful moments even among all kinds of gratitude. Tonight, on the crime drama, this cop gave the most beautiful speech to ask his girlfriend to marry him. It was so emotional, and real feeling.

I started crying realizing that my boyfriend Stuart never got to ask me that question. I never have been asked that question and I never will have that question asked. Not in this body anyway.

Thats enough to make me cry. Even with all my defenses up and controlled emotions, I do cry from time to time. I'm trying to allow the tears to come. Its a work in progress. I'm still learning something every single day.

My "work" isn't over yet.

Nope, not yet.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

PAIN and Creativity

Just wanted to say a few words before I went back to bed to rest.

I had a wonderful weekend seeing friends and shopping and doing lots of creative projects.

I mailed out some pictures that I came across recently, to people all over, that I thought would love to have the pics. I'm going thru old totes from my storage. I decided to not read old journals. I was speaking with my Hospice Social Worker and I quickly realized that there is no purpose in reading about pain and suffering that I went thru a long time ago. My SW said that the journal helped and was useful at the time and now its not useful, so I threw them out. I usually only wrote in journals when I was really upset, very depressed or in need of venting feelings, exploring different ways of thinking. Also for writing down things that I couldn't tell another living soul. So, they are gone

Little bits of my past are being thrown away and discarded. They are not needed anymore. I am in a different place in most ways possible. I"m so happy I'm in the place I am in. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Those old journals were voices of my past, whispers of a far away time.

Today....

I'm dealing with PAIN!! I think all the organizing, creating, shopping and whatever else was a bit too much? Or, maybe the cancer is just flaring up because it wants to? Its almost like I'd forgotten about the cancer this weekend. Not completely but mostly. Felt good. So maybe the cancer felt left out and now it wants to be in the fore front of my mind. Ok, you win !! Lots of pain this morning, so much,  that I was pacing back and forth in my small apartment, like a wild animal caged. I called my nurse and the hospice office. Finally I got a Home Health Aide to come by and rub some tincture into my back where it hurt the most. It helped some but now its back screaming at me. My nurse wanted me to go up on one of the meds I'm on. It worked for  while, now its not.

I think it may be time to go up again on the big guns....sigh....

Not ready. But don't want to suffer and have everyone around me be miserable too. Having to deal with someone in severe pain is no fun.

I'll figure it out like I always do. It just takes some time to get to that place. I'm going to try and lie down, (on my side cuz i cant lie on my back) for a while and see how that goes.

I'm just having an off day.....Maybe tomorrow will be an ON day? I DO get to see my wonderful polarity therapist, so that will do me wonders i'm sure!

Blessings to you ALL! xo