Friday, September 14, 2007

Day Seventeen

Posting a bit late....

Walked to the hospital yesterday. Mr A was back to visit. Apparently he was busy volunteering elsewhere. He works at a lodge-like place, answering calls and running the place from time to time. Mr A is about 85 years old or older I found out. Still drives and very active for his age and what he's been through. He told me another story. One time he got a call from one of the nurses at the hospital, they told him that there was a lady that refused to go into the chamber for her treatments. She needed to speak with Mr A first. He drove into the hospital and about 25 minutes later arrived there. He had never met her before. She told him that a friend of hers told her that Mr A would answer any questions she had and he would ease her worries about it all. So he consoled her and told her things would be ok and so on....she then went in for her treatment. So sweet. He really does have an effect on people. I had told him i was worried about him and it was good to see him back.

Theres a new guy getting treatments right before me. I'm not the first one of the day anymore. He'll be getting treatments after i'm finished with mine.

I'm starting to get shooting pains in the area thats being treated now. The itching has started too. I'll have to get some ointment for that as well. Its that itching that you cant scratch and drives you nuts. The more you think about it the worse it feels.

I couldnt make it to the community center yesterday, not feeling well at all. I rested most of the afternoon.

I'm half way there now!

Only 16 more to go!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Day Sixteen

Not a good day yesterday....

was in bed most of the day and night.....

more later

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Day Fifteen

Cloudy, misty rain kinda day today.

I walked to the hospital. On my walk there I saw a family that i sometimes see, waiting for the bus with other children. They are a family from, i believe, Somalia. They have their beautiful scarves and dresses on, I wouldnt call them Berkas but maybe they are called that, not sure. There was a little girl maybe 4 years old, leaning against a woman, maybe her mom. She saw me and followed my gaze as i walked by. I smiled at her and she had this look of wonder on her face.
I would have loved to know what she was thinking. I was a white woman wearing a blue scarf on her head, maybe she noticed me more due to that? Maybe she was curious if I was Muslim or not. Everyone around her was dark skinned and brown eyes, maybe i looked funny with my blue eyes and head scarf? Such a look of innocence.

I came across a sad discovery when i was almost to the hospital. There was a dead yellow bird on the sidewalk. I so wanted to cradle the bird and find a place to bury it. I was running late for my appointment and with my immune system not as strong as i'd like it to be, i thought against it. I just said a little prayer for the bird and kept walking. I wondered if the stray cat i've been seeing was the one who killed it. It was right around the place where i see the cat from time to time.

Appropriate somehow that i saw the dead bird on 9/11. On a cloudy cool day, this bright yellow birds' light went out.

Its a day of remembrance for those who died but also for those who lived and who are still grieving their loss.

Back to radiation. I felt pretty awful last night. Flu like symptoms. I was asked if i wouldnt mind if a male student observed the process today. I said I had no strong opinions either way, and it was fine. I got to hear some of the teaching that was going on. Learned a bit myself. As I left I said goodbye to the nice nurse and nurse C didnt even look up from her computer to acknowledge me, nothing new there.

I ended up walking home due to not wanting to wait for the bus. Lots of walking today, good for me. Now i'm resting.

Only 18 more to go!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Day Fourteen

Running late this morning

As i was showering i thought about how i was grateful for the hair in my drain catch. Seems like an odd thing to be grateful for right? If you go for months without much, if any, hair and if you are used to pulling out hair from your water drain then suddenly you dont, you tend to notice when all of a sudden the water is building up in the tub. It was only a small amount of hair but hair still. My life seems to be coming back to some sort of normalcy. My eyebrows and lashes are filling in, theres even hair on my arms and legs, not much, but some. I know women out there would say that they wished they didnt have hair to shave weekly. I thought i'd be the same. I know I saved money on shampoo and take short showers and all that, but i have to say i'm glad to have some hair back. It means my body is still working and regenerating cells, its still alive! I know that some people have had so much chemo and other drugs over and over that their hair may never grow back, so i feel lucky that mine is coming back, even if it took a while to do so.

I took a bus to the hospital today due to running late. When i got there the nurse wasnt at her usual station and one of the techs, miss V, was looking a bit frantic. She told me that she had had a crazy morning already. people calling in and things happening. oh boy..... When i got into the chamber i noticed another man i hadnt met before, Mr J, he seemed nice, said he was bouncing from other hospitals. R wasnt there again today, doctors appt, and Mr L wasnt there. Mr. J had on some strong body spray or cologne, my throat was closing up. I wanted to say that he may want to not wear so much due to some peoples allergies and when you are on chemo you can get especially sensitive to smells. I'm sure i'm not the only one who is super sensitive. But i didnt say anything.

I really noticed the loud buzzing today. Sometimes I can just tune it out, but today the noises were especially bothersome. I just reminded myself of the MRI machine and how much worse that is.

I saw a new Radiologist today and first saw a new nurse, i'd seen her around but never had dealings with her in a professional way. She was very nice, i was pleasantly surprised. I asked her if the one man doc i had seen was the one that was leaving , i had heard one of the radiologists were leaving the hospital....and she said no, that it was the woman i was about to see, Mrs. T, She said everyone is upset about her leaving. I got the feeling it was more personal and maybe she would have preferred the man to leave as much as i did. When the woman doc came in she seemed rushed and a bit stressed, but i liked her much better than the other two docs i have met. Of course i find a doc i like and they are leaving. With any luck maybe she wont leave for a month, then i'll be finished with my treatment anyway. She noticed that i was red and was starting to have a rash on one area. She told me to use more gooey ointment and that the redness and swelling would get worse. Great. The swelling and healing from the treatments wont be better for one to two months after treatment is over. So by thanksgiving I may be feeling better. I'll have something to be grateful for. One of many things. This doctor explained things to me without me having to ask and she was very professional, didnt treat me like a number or like i didnt know what i was talking about. Nice change. It wasnt like she was all smiles or warm and fuzzy, in fact she didnt smile once, but the fact that she spent some time with me and treated me with some respect is huge right now. Too bad shes leaving. When I left, i noticed nurse C was at the desk, I said goodbye to the other nurse as i walked by and nurse C said a annoyed "oh bye" without even looking up at me, but the other nurse looked up and smiled. What a difference.

I ended up walking home since i hadnt walked there. It felt good to do so, even though i had the hill to climb. I was still thinking how lucky i was to be able to do that, to walk uphill at a fast pace. So many times i wasnt able to do that.

On my way home something magical happened. At least i thought it was magical. I noticed a feather come down from the sky, pointed end going downward, spiraling towards the ground. Not floating or blowing in the wind, it was dropping down. I realized that the feather had just left the bird it had been attached to. If i had thought quick enough i could have reached out and grabbed it out of the air. i could have had this feather that had never touched the ground. I dont know why but it was a lovely moment, to see the feather appear in front of me.

Only 19 more to go!