Saturday, September 22, 2007

Day Twenty Two and Day Twenty Three

Been too tired to blog, whew, radiation is definitely wearing me out.

Not a whole lot to report for side effects or symptoms other than more redness and itching. Fatigue being the biggest annoyance.

Since there are two days to cover i thought i'd write about two different subjects today. One being the use of hormones, or anti hormone medications.

Monday I am due to see my Oncologist at the other hospital. He will want to discuss hormone therapy with me. I am 99 percent set on not going the Tamoxifen route. I've just heard too many horrible things about it. How can i with a good conscience, ingest something that i'm not comfortable taking, every day for 5 or so years? I dont see how that can help me. Unfortunately there are few other options for women my age. The choices of hormone therapy drugs are so limited for premenopausal women. I could get my ovaries out and then take another drug, but do i want to do that? I'd have more choices of drugs to take, but who's to say they are good? Its all faith isnt it? Its going with your gut in the end, of course after speaking with your doctors, its your body. Theres so much information out there that it becomes overwhelming.

I just got back from a macrobiotic cooking class. Free at the center i go to. Depressing. I am not eating as healthy as i could be. Macrobiotic cooking is a way of life, its like taking up a religion. Theres so much involved. Very interesting and makes sense to me. Just like any kind of new thing, it takes time to incorporate it into your life, its a commitment. If you do it right, its also money. New pots and pans, new stove, so on and so forth. So i figure i can slowly start incorporating macrobiotic eating as much as i can right now. There are ways to lower estrogen levels through food. What if i did just that? With no hormone therapy? So many questions. It's hard to make these decisions when you are exhausted as well. I remember having to make decisions about my treatment, when i was overwhelmed and exhausted, when i was in chemo as well. Too much.

The second thing i wanted to discuss is heroes, no not the show, the heroes of real life. How we look at some people as super beings who conquer the unbelievable. Overcome such obstacles. The pressure we all put on ourselves at times, to be these people. I know that some people find inspiration from Lance Armstrong, or Ghandi, or the person who survived a concentration camp, or the woman who fought cancer against all odds, the stories go on and on. I'm so glad there are people out there to look to for hope and for those inspirational stories. Sometimes, however, i feel that theres so much pressure to BE that person, expectations to live and act as others have. I have a problem with that. I feel each person is going to react and live different than anyone else in the universe, and thats ok! Just because I am not positive all the time or eat macrobiotic food or start an organization, doesnt mean i am not fighting the fight. I am positive sometimes, i do eat well sometimes, I do the best i can right now. i need to know from people that thats ok.

What i get is stories of these heroes or people who did these amazing things and i just think, oh i'm not good enough, i'm not doing enough. I'm working on not thinking that way, but its a challenge some days.

I heard a story the other day of a woman who is probably in her 50's who had a full mastectomy, chemo and radiation. Apparently she was stage four. She told my mom that she had no problems with chemo and none with radiation and that she was getting on a plane two days after her last rads treatment to go to Baghdad. She is helping with the reconstruction. So i got the feeling that i was supposed to sail through and what was wrong with me, i wasnt trying hard enough or whatever. I know its silly to think that, but thats where my mind goes. Everyone is different and will react different to many situations.

My advice would be to caregivers and family members of cancer survivors, that its ok where your friend/relative is at, and to support them no matter where they are on their journey. It's hard enough fighting this fight, we don't need to feel like we arent doing enough, we arent positive enough, we arent fighting enough, .....that we arent enough.

We are enough.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Day Twenty One

I'm so glad the day has come where i'm into the 20's. I wasnt sure it would get here. Day 21.

Late today, had to take the bus. People coughing, sneezing. Cold season starts again. I'm especially sensitive to noticing sick people. I was told to watch it around the infected while i was on chemo. I still wash my hands pretty regularly. My system is vulnerable now due to the stress its under. I really dont want anything to stop me from getting the treatments. My goal is October 5th and i'm going to keep it.

The radiated area is very pink now. Rashes and burns that itch and sting. There are distinct patches of pink where the area of treatment is. Before i couldnt tell exactly where they were treating. Now theres no question.

Last night i noticed the right side of my throat was sore. The nurse had asked me the other day if i had a sore throat and at the time it wasnt so noticable. Last night it was. I'm sure they will tell me that its "normal". None of this experience is normal. Normal is relative i suppose.

I bought a beautiful red/green bell pepper and small butternut squash at the farmers market today. I had just enough money. Love it when that happens. Its squash time again. Soon you'll see soups on the menus more, and stews. All the fall foods are being harvested. I thought of something the other day. If i had chosen not to go through treatment or if i didnt find the lump, i may not be here now to enjoy the fall. I'm glad i am still here. Even if it means i face another Maine winter.

I need to research what foods i shouldn't eat if i dont want to add to the estrogen levels in my body. Yams are one of them, and its too bad cuz i love sweet potatoes. i need to do some more inquiry.

I'm at the cafe i like to go too on some wednesdays before an appointment. I was thinking about my sodium intake and wondering how much sodium is in those little creamers for coffee.

I believe cancer can age a person. I feel older. I'm one of "those people" who orders decaf, watches her sodium intake, and so on. I remember being younger and living life more impulsively. I didnt worry so much about the things i do now. Now i'm so careful. Maybe i can change that someday soon. I dont want to be one of "those people" who doesnt live life to the fullest as the cliche' goes, i want to live life at least 1/2 full.

I wanted to also say a big THANK YOU to my friend Jim for helping me put away my a/c, what a pain....couldnt have done it without you, thank you!!!

Only 12 more to go!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Day Twenty

Did NOT want to get out of bed, out from my warm blanket this morning, not at all.

Walked to radiation. I was reminded of living in NYC while walking to the hospital today. I remember when i first moved there. I was in such awe. Everything was fast and busy. Large buildings and crowded sidewalks. If you didnt walk fast and in a fairly straight line you could get bumped around. I quickly learned how to walk with speed and be able to weave in and out of crowds. It became a skill to maneuver my way to the subways and to my destinations. When i had to be at a catering gig, you couldnt be late. Today I was finding the pedestrian traffic especially busy for a small city. I had to decide whether or not i wanted to walk fast to pass someone or slow down to stay behind a person. I walk fast, so i usually pass people.

Yesterday i forgot to mention that i saw the nurse and doctor for my weekly check in appt. The nurse checked the area, and weighed me. She was going to leave but casually asked if i had started any new meds. I said i didnt know what she had listed. I told her one that i had started over a month ago, she didnt have that one listed. She then sat back down and listed off what she had for meds. Come to find out there were meds listed there that i had been taking during my chemotherapy treatments. Its been a month and a half since i've been on most of them. Good thing we straightened that out. Thats how organized they are at my new hospital.

Lesson learned......advocate for yourself!

I then saw the radiologist that i just love......yeah right. He comes in and shakes my hand. We've met 2 other times. He asks if i have any questions and checks the area as well. He tells me i may get a blister on one area or a couple of areas before i'm finished but not to worry cuz it will all get better once i'm finished with radiation. ok.....

Today i saw Mr A again. He's so sweet. He brought me a card. Very thoughtful. My mom showed up as well, to give me a ride home and let me use the car to go buy some groceries. I dropped her off and raced back home. I had two young girls coming over to clean my apartment. A woman who owns three businesses, one of them being a cleaning company, offered to give me some free cleaning. She is a cancer survivor as well, going on four years i believe. She helps people in treatment a couple hours a week. My place has been getting way behind in the clean department. I've never had cleaners come by before. I had heard of people wanting to clean before cleaners come over and i thought that was funny, but i was finding myself doing just that. I was making sure the litterbox was cleaned out and dishes done.

I met them and went food shopping while they cleaned. When i got back i was hit head on with a strong cleaning smell. Floor cleaner apparently. I just opened the windows and turned on a fan, that seems to be helping. They did a good job and it feels great to have a clean place. Now all i need to do is organize.

Grocery shopping wore me out for sure. I'm going to go rest and then bring back my moms car later tonight.....

Only 13 more to go!

Monday, September 17, 2007

Day Nineteen

Chilly morning, brrrrr, fall is here for sure.

My landlord hasnt turned on the heat yet, and with my a/c still in my window, it gets a bit cold in my small apartment. I'm hoping I can get some help from one of my burly men friends to help me put the a/c in storage soon.

Walked to treatment, beautiful sunny day. I'm at the point where if it was hot out i may go without a scarf on, but right now its a bit too cold. Not sure i feel as comfortable with the short doo just yet, hasnt quite filled in all the way. Probably in a couple of weeks i can show off the new me., at least the new me with some hair.

Apparently they are not radiating my back anymore, only the node and breast area. The last week will be what they call the "boost" time, where they will be focused only on the incision area, just in case no cancer is still lurking near the surface of my skin. When they cut into me during surgery they could have dragged some cancer cells with the instruments. They want to do extra treatments in that area. I've heard some people are out for the count that last week, pretty heavy doses.

I had three techs today working with me. The new guy was back but luckily not overpowered with cologne. I closed my eyes and relaxed mostly, very tired today.

There was a volunteer waiting in the waiting area when i finished up. He's very cheery and likes to talk alot, uplifting energy. I wasnt able to sit and chat today, needed to get home.

Pulling a muscle in my back yesterday makes things a bit more challenging. I need to do laundry and clean up a bit but its not going to happen today. I am learning to do what i can and not to worry so much about the rest. I just wish i was up to cooking better meals lately.

Maybe i'll be up for cooking tomorrow

14 more to go!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Day Eighteen

Posting late again....

Friday was a pretty good day, at least the first part.

My friend Nancy came here from NH thursday afternoon and stayed the night. We had some yummy food from the local organic market nicknamed whole wallet. I had to get some dessert as well. I got some chocolate gelato, reminded me of my time in Italy. so many interesting flavors to choose from. We watched a movie and had a relaxing evening. In the morning Nancy came with me to my radiation treatment. No walking for me, we had her car. It was a nice break i must say. Before we left, however, we walked to the little coffee shop nearby and then walked down to the ocean, lovely morning.

We got to the hospital a few minutes late but nothing horrible. I saw Mr A there, I was glad to see him and happy Nancy had got to meet him. I got changed and then Nancy and I went into the chamber. Miss V and R were more than happy to show Nancy the machine and how it works etc. Miss V seemed especially eager to teach Nancy like she had been teaching the student the other day. R seemed a bit annoyed, saying that Nancy now knows more than I do about my treatments. Nancy was definitely impressed with how it all worked, how precise it all is. She told me that when i was getting the doses, she would watch me on the monitors and also watch this cool computer graphic going on of me in real time, she said it was 3-D and showed the lines of where exactly the radiation was hitting and made sure that the areas treated didnt overlap. I wish i could see it. Maybe there will be a patient who wouldnt mind me watching while they get their treatments and i'll check it out.

Nancy got to gab with Mr A a bit while i applied lotion and got dressed. Mr A has lots of stories to tell.

After we left the hospital Nancy needed to get home to work. she dropped me off at the library and we said our goodbyes. I found i was practically sleepwalking through the stacks of books and videos. My eyes were struggling to stay open and i couldnt stop yawning. The treatment hit me hard that morning.

I had to take a bus home due to my exhaustion.

I got home and crashed out for quite a while. Fridays are the toughest it seems. I felt ill that night and just relaxed.

I got some confirmation recently from my mom. She said a man she casually knows, told her that his wife pretty much sailed through her chemo treatments but was floored by the radiation. I guess its not just me.

Today, sunday, i tried to bring some books and things downstairs to add to the sidewalk sale my neighbor was having and found i didnt have it in me. luckily a friend of my neighbors helped me carry things down. Thank you neighbor friend! I sat out front for a couple of hours, only sold a few things, then started to feel nauseous and not too well, came on all of a sudden. guess i pushed it a bit. I took some things back up stairs, but left most of it for my neighbor to sell for herself. I had also walked to a bakery, i used to work at years ago, early this morning. I had a craving for a brioche roll. Been years since i had had one. yum!

I feel i'm doing more things that i used to deny myself from, like buying that brioche roll, or getting that gelato, or walking somewhere i havent been in a long time. I try to go with my instincts or impulses lately, even if it seems silly. I know from reading peoples experiences or speaking with people with cancer that your health and how you live can change in a matter of moments, you never know if you'll have the chance to do those little things you think you'll do another time. You never know.

Only 15 more to go!