Day Twenty Two and Day Twenty Three

Been too tired to blog, whew, radiation is definitely wearing me out.

Not a whole lot to report for side effects or symptoms other than more redness and itching. Fatigue being the biggest annoyance.

Since there are two days to cover i thought i'd write about two different subjects today. One being the use of hormones, or anti hormone medications.

Monday I am due to see my Oncologist at the other hospital. He will want to discuss hormone therapy with me. I am 99 percent set on not going the Tamoxifen route. I've just heard too many horrible things about it. How can i with a good conscience, ingest something that i'm not comfortable taking, every day for 5 or so years? I dont see how that can help me. Unfortunately there are few other options for women my age. The choices of hormone therapy drugs are so limited for premenopausal women. I could get my ovaries out and then take another drug, but do i want to do that? I'd have more choices of drugs to take, but who's to say they are good? Its all faith isnt it? Its going with your gut in the end, of course after speaking with your doctors, its your body. Theres so much information out there that it becomes overwhelming.

I just got back from a macrobiotic cooking class. Free at the center i go to. Depressing. I am not eating as healthy as i could be. Macrobiotic cooking is a way of life, its like taking up a religion. Theres so much involved. Very interesting and makes sense to me. Just like any kind of new thing, it takes time to incorporate it into your life, its a commitment. If you do it right, its also money. New pots and pans, new stove, so on and so forth. So i figure i can slowly start incorporating macrobiotic eating as much as i can right now. There are ways to lower estrogen levels through food. What if i did just that? With no hormone therapy? So many questions. It's hard to make these decisions when you are exhausted as well. I remember having to make decisions about my treatment, when i was overwhelmed and exhausted, when i was in chemo as well. Too much.

The second thing i wanted to discuss is heroes, no not the show, the heroes of real life. How we look at some people as super beings who conquer the unbelievable. Overcome such obstacles. The pressure we all put on ourselves at times, to be these people. I know that some people find inspiration from Lance Armstrong, or Ghandi, or the person who survived a concentration camp, or the woman who fought cancer against all odds, the stories go on and on. I'm so glad there are people out there to look to for hope and for those inspirational stories. Sometimes, however, i feel that theres so much pressure to BE that person, expectations to live and act as others have. I have a problem with that. I feel each person is going to react and live different than anyone else in the universe, and thats ok! Just because I am not positive all the time or eat macrobiotic food or start an organization, doesnt mean i am not fighting the fight. I am positive sometimes, i do eat well sometimes, I do the best i can right now. i need to know from people that thats ok.

What i get is stories of these heroes or people who did these amazing things and i just think, oh i'm not good enough, i'm not doing enough. I'm working on not thinking that way, but its a challenge some days.

I heard a story the other day of a woman who is probably in her 50's who had a full mastectomy, chemo and radiation. Apparently she was stage four. She told my mom that she had no problems with chemo and none with radiation and that she was getting on a plane two days after her last rads treatment to go to Baghdad. She is helping with the reconstruction. So i got the feeling that i was supposed to sail through and what was wrong with me, i wasnt trying hard enough or whatever. I know its silly to think that, but thats where my mind goes. Everyone is different and will react different to many situations.

My advice would be to caregivers and family members of cancer survivors, that its ok where your friend/relative is at, and to support them no matter where they are on their journey. It's hard enough fighting this fight, we don't need to feel like we arent doing enough, we arent positive enough, we arent fighting enough, .....that we arent enough.

We are enough.