Thursday, November 22, 2007

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Quality of Life

When is it ok to wish someone could move on to the "other side"? Its such a controversial topic.

I read stories of people in pain every single day, fighting to stay alive, fighting to breathe, fighting to perform normal functions humans perform, like going to the bathroom or eating. When is it ok to say, "enough!" ?

My mom and I went to see my grandmother who has been living in an assisted living facility for altzeimers for years now. She used to live in Georgia, living with her husband until one day he couldnt take it anymore and sent her up to Maine to live. He hasnt come to see her once since shes been up here, going on four years i believe. Lately she has been declining mentally. she still recognizes us and interacts a bit, but mostly she lives in her own world. My mom said to me after our visit, "this sounds awful but i wish she'd fade away and go on..." she doesnt think she should live the way she lives now. I'm torn. There are moments where she seems to be herself but lately its not many. She doesnt have any friends at the home. She wont participate in any activities. What kind of life is that?

When someone has a disease and they lose a part of who they are, the essence of themselves, is it time to move on?

I'm thankful for my life, for my family and friends, and today i'm especially thankful that i am myself and not making any major compromises. I'm happy with who I am now.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Control

I am thinking a lot about how some things in life are out of our control. I have a hard time with that one.

Maybe due to certain traumatic events in my life happening suddenly, i feel the need to have control over what i can and that makes me feel secure? i'm not sure.

I made my decision to have a hysterectomy. I saw my doc yesterday that will perform the surgery with her partner. Now that i've made my decision i want to have the operation NOW. I have to wait 3-4 weeks. Not happy about that. The fear creeps in. What if the estrogen is growing the small cancer cells into tumors as i'm typing this blog? I want the ovaries (especially) out now so the estrogen will decrease tremendously, stop feeding the possible cancer cells.

Now, if i were to look at that rationally, i'd see that i'm being unreasonable or overreacting. When i'm engrossed, and swimming in the tar of my situation, i don't see things as clearly as one would being an observer.

I read my horoscope today on one of the sites i go to and one thing it said was to realize the pace of things right now is exactly the way its supposed to be and to not worry or try to rush things along. Fitting.

Deep breath, aaahhhhhhhhhh.......

I am healthy, I am exactly where i'm supposed to be right now.

Thats my mantra for today.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

BRRRRRRRRRR!

I know its not officially winter yet but it sure feels like it. Freezing temps overnight, seeing your breath. I suppose the fact that there are still some leaves on the trees and some green grass on the ground makes it seem more fall-ish.

I got woken up by my furry feline this morning at around 4:30am, stinker! I couldnt get back to sleep, so i caught up on some emails and then decided to go for a walk to the ocean. Cold! It was very refreshing and beautiful as well. Sunny but crisp. The puddles are decorated with icy designs. The boats are pulled out of the water and up on boards, covered tight with their tarps for the winter. I noticed a strong smell, even with the freezing temperatures, of what smelled like rotting fish. I saw sections of wooden piers that are used to allow people access to their boats from the shore. The sections were stacked on top of one another, all having remnants of seaweed and sea life attached to its sides. The smell of the ocean.

Smells are powerful. All our senses can be a catalyst to memories. During one type of meditation I had learned, we were told to hold onto an almond. First we felt the almond and looked at it, for five minutes. Five minutes is a long time to look at one single almond. You start to notice things about it after the first 3 minutes, i noticed the lines on it and so on....then we smelled the almond and put it in our mouth but wasnt allowed to chew the almond yet, just feel the almond on our tongue and taste it without chewing. You get the idea. It was a very interesting excersize. I was tempted to eat the almond immediately, we get so used to our habits, our bodies respond automatically. When i smell a food, my mouth waters or stomach turns depending on the food or smell.

When i was in massage school i learned a lot about aromatherapy and the power of smells. They can be very healing. Aromas have been used medicinally for centuries. The Romans used smells during their baths and for healing purposes. I believe Americans especially take for granted the power of nature and the simple ways of life. We go go go, stimulate, fill up time and space. Balance is the key.

When you are forced to slow down whether it is due to disease or injury or whatever the reason, you remember stillness, theres a reminder whether it be by seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, or touching....we have the ability within us all. We just need to remember it.