Crossing the pond

The Brits like to say that if they fly to the states its just "crossing the pond".

Well, thats what i'm going to be doing tomorrow evening. Flying from Boston to London.

I'm really looking forward to my trip. There are so many things to look forward to. I'll be spending christmas and boxing day with my friends' family, eating huge meals with alcohol mixed in. Exchanging gifts, and most of all laughing and playing games. The English love to play games!

My friends' family love to make fun of me for not knowing the English history during some of the trivia type games, but its still enjoyable.

Then my friend and I are going to Edinburgh for New Years Eve. I've been there before during the summer. Apparently the festivities for new years is one of, if not the biggest, events on new years in all of Europe and the UK. I'm hoping i'm going to be up for the huge crowds. I'm sure it will be fun, even if its snowing and freezing out. How much worse can it be from what i've been experiencing here ?

I really do love to travel but i loathe the preparation leading up to it. I am reminded of the fact i'm alone, no partner/husband etc... No one to appoint errands to. Its basically all on me.
This year has been a bit harder, i dont have the same energy i used to have, before this year. It takes more patience and more time to complete tasks. I am just trying to remember to breathe, take time, and as my good friend from NH said to me today, "keep your eye on the prize".

I will check my emails while i'm gone and perhaps be able to blog, but i'm not sure. Lots of fun planned. I may have to wait and blog in the new year.

Happy Holidays everyone! Yule time cheer to all!

Heres hoping 2008 is a healthy and happy one!!

Perspective

I was reminded today of what is really important, what is only trivial.

I have been stressing out about my trip abroad. I have lots of details to take care of. My energy isnt what it used to be and thats hard to accept sometimes.

This morning I was making a list of all the things i need to take care of, feeling overwhelmed, doubting my decision to go to the UK.

Then i read a cancer survivors blog. She is fighting for her life and yet she says she loves life and is going to keep fighting for it anyway she can. She is currently unable to leave her house except to go to the hospital, is hooked up to an oxygen tank, is on more than a dozen drugs, and the list goes on. ...shes in her 20's.

Then there are the people who are having chemo or radiation or are in the hospital for some illness or other. One woman is sitting by her young sons bed in the hospital, hoping he'll get to go home soon.

My stresses are trivial compared to what some people are facing right now.

I'm lucky i can go on this trip. I'm really trying to be grateful for that, take a deep breath and smile.

Nor' Easter

Phantasmagorical

This is the new word for today....

I love it!

It basically means (for those who don't know the meaning, like me...), ...illusion, or changing visual images, images blending into one another, changing shapes, .....that kind of thing.

Today there is what the North Easterners call a Nor' Easter happening. A blizzard. High winds, freezing (10 degrees F) temps and lots of snow. No one wants to be out in this kind of weather. Not even the hard core Mainers go out in this.

I'm just praying the electricity stays on, mostly due to the heat factor. It would be a bummer to lose the heat today.

When i was a kid it was exciting to lose power, getting the candles out and everything just stops. All plans, like going to school, are canceled. The total focus is on the storm, when it will stop, how much snow to expect, do we have enough supplies, are our other family members ok. Life just takes a pause while the storm does its thing.

So many times i've wanted to pause my life while I deal with an issue. Most times life goes on. It would be surprising to me that life could go on with so much pain happening. so much suffering and yet people are laughing and playing and going about their business. During some dark moments I wanted to shake people and say "don't you know whats happening?". It didnt seem fair that others didnt stop and notice my pain.

Then there comes a time when it becomes comforting that life is still going on. There is a sense of hope that remains.

Hope that change still exists, things will shift, the storm will pass.

It's all just a phantasmagorial image.

Tis the season

This is a new kind of holiday stress for me. I am used to being a bit more tired and stressed out during the holiday season, but this year is a whole new ballgame i'm realizing.

It's a bit like trying to walk through the snow, when your body isnt used to that kind of movement. You need to think about it more, each step you take. More time is taken to get through to the other side, to solid ground.

I'm finding my errands of christmas shopping, or getting things for my trip takes so much more time and so much more effort.

I'm sleepy much more, and irritable.

Medically, I finished up my lymphedema massages. My swelling went down quite a bit, not gone but a huge improvement, so thats something positive! I am noticing some skin pain where i had been radiated, on my back. I forgot about that area, and thats probably why it hurts, i havent been moisturizing it, the pain is similar to when you have a bandage on and the skin pulls in pain from the adhesive.

My recovery is still going on, i'm impatient with that. I want to be functioning at full capacity now.

Patience grasshopper

I find a small glass of port helps a bit with the stress
:)

Cheers!

Hecate, the crone goddess

Reminders

I thought i was taking a nap at 8pm, then my hope was to awake around 9pm and have all kinds of energy to want to go see a band i love alot, called Entrain. I woke up at 9:30pm and was in no shape to go out. I went back to sleep and now its 3:30am. My cat doesnt know what is going on. Neither do I. I'm all discombobulated.

I have these reminders of how i'm still recovering. I'm still gaining back my strength. I need to remember that its only been 2 months since i ended my radiation and only about 4 or so months since i stopped chemo. My body has been through quite a lot. I keep hearing from different people how its taken them a year or so to feel more like themselves. Others even say that they still havent felt themselves and its been years. Everyone is different. I get impatient and I want to feel some sort of normalcy, if that can even happen.

I want to go out dancing, stay up late, have fun.

I can still do those things, just maybe not as often as i like.

I also have some reminders of the miracle of children.

I spent some time with my nephew and niece the other day. They each have such personalities, its so much fun to witness. I love holding babies too, my niece is almost 8 months old. Theres something so calming about babies, maybe its their smell or just their energy.

I was speaking with my sister on the phone yesterday, my sister love, and she mentioned some very sweet comments that her daughter made. She is a fairy girl, with so much knowledge and wisdom. Such a teacher,...of joy and so much more.

So, the reminder for me is once again, how i'm not going to have the experience of having a child of my own. That is never going to happen for me in this lifetime. I say i'm ok with it, and i really am, but i'm also realizing how final it feels. I want to honor my transforming from Mother to Crone. I'm not closing the door to adoption, but thats a bit different.

In paganism there are 3 levels of womanhood, 3 major ones anyway. Maiden, Mother and Crone. I will be going into the Crone energy in some ways, a bit early. My body will be going through the physical and emotional energies of Crone woman. I would like to honor the mother energy within me and welcome the Crone. It is after all the wise all knowing part of a womans life. Thats not so bad. I welcome wisdom into my life.

I really don't think i'd choose to go back to my younger years, it was a hard time for me. Maybe i'd like that body back, but other than that I'm happy where i'm at. Of course i'd rather not have gone through cancer.

Life is life, it is what it is. There are good and bad, dark and light, and all the colors in between.

Trying to hang on

The last few days have been a bit of a struggle. I seem to be able to go for a few weeks or at least a couple of weeks, where i walk, eat fairly well, socialize and stay pretty active. My attitude has been pretty good over all.

Then its as if i run out of gas. I wake up and feel like i dont want to do anything. My mood is off, i lay around and dont do much of anything. I believe im hormonal. It just escalates from one day to the next.

We've had a couple of snow storms the last couple of days, so thats added to my mood. Then I got some very sad news. A friend of a friend that i've hung out with a couple of times is now in a Boston hospital with what looks to be metastatic pancreatic cancer. A large tumor was found in her pancreas, the doctors think is has spread. Her liver was affected and a stint had to be inserted in her liver. She's in her early forties i believe. Young. It is just so upsetting to hear peoples stories of cancer, of how one more person has been attacked by this villian.

I am just so tired today. Tired of being positive, of eating right and doing all that i'm "supposed" to do. I just want a break from it all.

I hate cancer.

Change

I don't blog for a while then i blog blog blog.....

The last couple of days i've been thinking about change.

Change can occur instantly, without any warning.

Change in the weather. Yesterday was sunny and cold. I wake up this morning and its snowing and cloudy. The world around me looks different. Its the same but theres a change.

When i found the lump, change. When i was told "Cancer"....change. I began to wake up this morning, half in a wonderful dream. I was with a guy, in love, and so happy. I woke up with that feeling, that wonderful feeling i havent felt in way too long. Then reality sunk in. I tried desperately to hold on to that feeling. Try as i may, i eventually went to...."but its not real, i'm alone and not in love....why?" and so on. Depressing. Change.

Changes are happening all the time. The trick is to ride the wave and not let it overtake you.

Another thought

I know i just posted yesterday but have some more thoughts to share.

For some strange reason i've noticed a theme around me lately. Hair cuts. Its the oddest thing. Everyone seems to be getting their hair cut lately. Is it the time of year? In one day i had 4 conversations with different people about hair cuts and then even on t.v. there were shows about hair styles and cuts.

My hair isnt long enough yet to really style or cut. I suppose i could have a little trim around my ears or shave the light hair on my neck area. Theres really no way i could get a real hair cut. My friend from NH said that it must seem a bit like someones rubbing it in my face, that i cant get a cut.

At least i can save time and money on not having to do much other than wash my hair. It takes no time to style. I bought some hair goo thats supposed to help spike it or give it body. Thats the extent i'm going right now.

Its such a simple thing but yet it seems the major focus around me lately.

I'm reminded of some thoughts i had a little while ago when i was deciding about my hysterectomy. Since i made my decision i've noticed babies everywhere. It is all around me. I am really ok with not having children but of course theres a part of me that wonders about it. Giving birth and what the whole experience would be like. I am a woman after all, its in my genetic makeup to procreate.

When i got diagnosed with cancer it was the same idea. I saw cancer everywhere. It was around the time the whole Elizabeth Edwards news story hit. I saw cancer patients and info all around me. Overwhelming. I still see it everywhere but i dont have the same fear, its changed shape.

I suppose its like anything else, once you focus on something you notice it everywhere. It was always all around, we just dont notice it.

Catching up

Been a while since i blogged. It seems i'm busier than i used to be. It feels good to be active again. Its almost like being part of society and not just in the cancer world.

Update on health......I went in to the Lymphedema clinic to have my arm measured. Before i started radiation i had my arms measured. Sometimes rads can cause lymphedema. Luckily it didnt for me. Maybe it was due to my walking everyday, or drinking lots of water, not being overweight, who knows, ....maybe i just got lucky. I still have to be careful. I can get lymphedema at any time for the rest of my life. Knowing that causes me to be more aware of what i'm doing and eating. I'm not so sure thats always a good thing. I feel i'm more intuned to my body, which i appreciate. I just don't want to stress over the little things. I thought i was doing pretty well with that aspect of it. I ate pretty much what i wanted to, adjusting salt or having smaller amounts, drinking water, walking a lot. After i got measured i found out i have some swelling under my arm. Not lymphedema thankfully, but the early signs of what could be. I went into the clinic today for a lymphatic massage. I'll be getting about 4 sessions total. They are going to try and reduce the swelling and also wake up the other lymph areas of my body. Maybe they can take up the slack that the missing lymphs cant. I am also going to learn how to do some lymph work on my own.

The session was very relaxing, like a regular massage, but different.

Other than that i have some pain and tightness in my arm and chest area. could be due to the swelling or radiation side effects, not sure.

I made a big decision as well. The idea was for me to have a hysterectomy on Dec 12th, then go to London for new years. The more i thought about that i realized that wasnt going to happen. What was i thinking? I get exhausted normally when i go overseas by the jetlag and long travel time alone, then i would add recovery from a major surgery and being thrust into menopause?

I can see it now. Theres me waving my arms around and screaming at someone due to the hormones swirling around my body, and then drinking too much to compensate, they'd have to land the plane in Ireland and protect the other passengers. No....not a good idea. I'm not super woman. Although sometimes i wish i could fly away on a moments notice.

So, i've decided to have my surgery in January. I checked with my Oncologist and he gave me clearance. He told me that the chemo was supposed to kill the aggressive cancer cells and that getting rid of the estrogen sooner rather than later is a good idea for the long term. To wait just a month or so would not(should not) make a difference. I was looking at my life this year and how many times i've said no to people, not being able to do things, go places. I was diagnosed January 26th, nearly a year now. I want to have some fun! I didn't want to say, one more time, i'll go to london next year. What if, goddess forbid, i have a recurrence next year? Then i wouldnt be going to london most likely. I have to live for now. I also want to be somewhat realistic and do what my docs say, so after getting clearance i booked my flight!

I'm going to London for christmas and new years!!

I can't wait! I'll go and have fun, then come back and have my surgery and be able to recover properly without having to go anywhere, just tuck in to a cold winter in maine, and heal. Get ready for spring.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Poem

I wanted to copy this poem into my blog today, it really hit somewhere deep for me.

Poem: "If You Knew" by Ellen Bass, from The Human Line. © Copper Canyon Press, 2007. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

If You Knew

What if you knew you'd be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips
along the life line's crease.

When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn't signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won't way Thank you, I don't remember
they're going to die.

A friend told me she'd been with her aunt.
They'd just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt's powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked a half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.

How close does the dragon's spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?

Happy Harvest!

Quality of Life

When is it ok to wish someone could move on to the "other side"? Its such a controversial topic.

I read stories of people in pain every single day, fighting to stay alive, fighting to breathe, fighting to perform normal functions humans perform, like going to the bathroom or eating. When is it ok to say, "enough!" ?

My mom and I went to see my grandmother who has been living in an assisted living facility for altzeimers for years now. She used to live in Georgia, living with her husband until one day he couldnt take it anymore and sent her up to Maine to live. He hasnt come to see her once since shes been up here, going on four years i believe. Lately she has been declining mentally. she still recognizes us and interacts a bit, but mostly she lives in her own world. My mom said to me after our visit, "this sounds awful but i wish she'd fade away and go on..." she doesnt think she should live the way she lives now. I'm torn. There are moments where she seems to be herself but lately its not many. She doesnt have any friends at the home. She wont participate in any activities. What kind of life is that?

When someone has a disease and they lose a part of who they are, the essence of themselves, is it time to move on?

I'm thankful for my life, for my family and friends, and today i'm especially thankful that i am myself and not making any major compromises. I'm happy with who I am now.

Control

I am thinking a lot about how some things in life are out of our control. I have a hard time with that one.

Maybe due to certain traumatic events in my life happening suddenly, i feel the need to have control over what i can and that makes me feel secure? i'm not sure.

I made my decision to have a hysterectomy. I saw my doc yesterday that will perform the surgery with her partner. Now that i've made my decision i want to have the operation NOW. I have to wait 3-4 weeks. Not happy about that. The fear creeps in. What if the estrogen is growing the small cancer cells into tumors as i'm typing this blog? I want the ovaries (especially) out now so the estrogen will decrease tremendously, stop feeding the possible cancer cells.

Now, if i were to look at that rationally, i'd see that i'm being unreasonable or overreacting. When i'm engrossed, and swimming in the tar of my situation, i don't see things as clearly as one would being an observer.

I read my horoscope today on one of the sites i go to and one thing it said was to realize the pace of things right now is exactly the way its supposed to be and to not worry or try to rush things along. Fitting.

Deep breath, aaahhhhhhhhhh.......

I am healthy, I am exactly where i'm supposed to be right now.

Thats my mantra for today.

BRRRRRRRRRR!

I know its not officially winter yet but it sure feels like it. Freezing temps overnight, seeing your breath. I suppose the fact that there are still some leaves on the trees and some green grass on the ground makes it seem more fall-ish.

I got woken up by my furry feline this morning at around 4:30am, stinker! I couldnt get back to sleep, so i caught up on some emails and then decided to go for a walk to the ocean. Cold! It was very refreshing and beautiful as well. Sunny but crisp. The puddles are decorated with icy designs. The boats are pulled out of the water and up on boards, covered tight with their tarps for the winter. I noticed a strong smell, even with the freezing temperatures, of what smelled like rotting fish. I saw sections of wooden piers that are used to allow people access to their boats from the shore. The sections were stacked on top of one another, all having remnants of seaweed and sea life attached to its sides. The smell of the ocean.

Smells are powerful. All our senses can be a catalyst to memories. During one type of meditation I had learned, we were told to hold onto an almond. First we felt the almond and looked at it, for five minutes. Five minutes is a long time to look at one single almond. You start to notice things about it after the first 3 minutes, i noticed the lines on it and so on....then we smelled the almond and put it in our mouth but wasnt allowed to chew the almond yet, just feel the almond on our tongue and taste it without chewing. You get the idea. It was a very interesting excersize. I was tempted to eat the almond immediately, we get so used to our habits, our bodies respond automatically. When i smell a food, my mouth waters or stomach turns depending on the food or smell.

When i was in massage school i learned a lot about aromatherapy and the power of smells. They can be very healing. Aromas have been used medicinally for centuries. The Romans used smells during their baths and for healing purposes. I believe Americans especially take for granted the power of nature and the simple ways of life. We go go go, stimulate, fill up time and space. Balance is the key.

When you are forced to slow down whether it is due to disease or injury or whatever the reason, you remember stillness, theres a reminder whether it be by seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, or touching....we have the ability within us all. We just need to remember it.

Is it enough?

I'm starting to feel better, the cold is moving on out and the menstrual issues are what they are. I got to thinking about what i'm doing right now, day to day.

I added a new link from a friend of mine, her blog(starcat). She is someone who is usually working on several projects on top of being a mother who helps homeschool and works full time. I know its not healthy to compare and judge, but its hard not to and can sometimes motivate me.

Today however, i am beating myself up a bit. I've worked through some of it and am learning not to do that. I am just not as settled with where i'm at right now. I try to remove myself from the situation and think, if i was a friend saying these things, and acting all upset, what would i say to her? Would I judge her and think that shes not doing enough? would i tell her shes doing a lot right now and needs to recover? I'm not sure.

I'm a month out of treatment. I still have pain in my arm and chest area, still have a tan from the radiation, my body is starting to build up its muscles again. I know i need to be gentle with myself and take this time to rest. I have a hard time with that. I want to look at each day and see that i've accomplished something, be able to check off items from a list. Theres something satisfying when you cross off your to-do list.

My day, yesterday, consisted of knitting, watching movies, cleaning a bit, going to the supermarket with my dad, and the best of all was finishing a Sudoku puzzle. I'd never attempted Sudoku before. I was able to figure out how to play and then figure it out, it took me a couple of hours to do two of them, but once i got the idea it fell into place. I was close to giving up, its so frustrating, but i was challenged, i didn't want to give up. That felt good, i finished what i started, completed the task. Months ago there would be no possible way i'd be able to do one of those puzzles. So in a huge way for me, it was a big leap forward. My mind isnt all mush still, its waking up, and i'm able to take on challenges.

I read up on hysterectomies and it was pretty scary the risks and possible side effects.......... "especially for women under age 45", yikes! I had to stop reading at one point. Too scary. One of the possible risks/side effects is that i could have cognitive problems and early altzeimers disease, along with many many other risks. The cognitive bit said the phrase i listed above. What it comes down to is that being in my age group is much more risky than the older age group when it comes to getting any kind of disease or physical condition, theres no way around that. I will just have to do the best i can and hope for a great outcome. What else can i do?

At least i'm alive today, i have today.

Day of Rememberance

There are a couple of things i wanted to write about today.

what this day means to me, and jealousy.

First off, its November 12th, 8 years ago my boyfriend Stuart died in a motorcycle accident in England. It feels like a lifetime ago sometimes. I miss him still.

Second, I decided to make today my cats birthday, Stewie, yes, in honor of Stuart. I had adopted him about a year ago. It was a couple of weeks before i found my tumor. The vet i took him to said he thought he was around 2 years old. So today he is 3 years old. I may buy him a cat toy if i make it to the drug store to get some juice and decongestant for me. Also its my friend Pauls birthday, Happy Birthday Paul!

Its also the observance of veterans day. I believe in remembering people who have died in war on all days of the year, not just one day. Its a nice reminder though, that there are people right now at this very moment, fighting for a cause they believe in. Even if i dont believe in their cause, they believe it and they are fighting for their country. On both sides, all sides of the wars being fought all over the world. In Sudan, Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Israel, Burma, so many places all over the earth.

It would be a perfect day if we all just stopped, sat in silence and did nothing, took a deep breath and just sat in silence. Just one day, all beings on the planet. Wouldnt that be amazing?

Ok, on to my second topic.....Jealousy.

Its hard to even type the word. It jumps off my fingers like sticky taffy. Not natural.

There is so many types of jealousy. Its hard to admit that I am jealous at times. There are different levels of jealousy i believe. There is the natural envy kind of innocent jealousy, like when you see someone with a house you'd love to own someday, or a family you'd like to create in the future. Then of course theres the toxic kind of jealousy. The kind that you can feel in your body. I was reminded of when i was around 18 or 19 years old. I was friends with a coworker and i really thought we were becoming good friends. Then one day it all ended over her jealousy. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend and said i flirt with everyones boyfriend. She continued to accuse me of more things i wont get into. I was absolutely floored by her accusations. I was in no way shape or form flirting with her boyfriend. I even went to a friend of mine and asked her about it, asked if thats what i do and just didnt see it. She was laughing so hard, she said that i'd be the last person she knew to do something like that. I was relieved that she validated that for me. This was a case of this girl not seeing what was really going on. I couldnt convince her otherwise and she ended our friendship over it. It clearly affected me. I never had any resolution from that experience, no closure.

I've been jealous of people, mostly of friends. Theres one friend that started hanging out with an old school mate and in turn spent less time with me. I found myself wanting to tell my friend that this new friend didnt treat her as well as i do and that she takes advantage of her, etc... I realized i was acting jealous. Luckily i didnt say any of those things, i was able to process those thoughts on my own before i vocalized them. Jealousy is a powerful dis-ease of the mind that can take over if we let it. We've seen the news where someone kills another person over jealousy, its a powerful thing, but only if we give it the power. Just like fear, which could be a cousin of jealousy.

I know i've gone on and on in this blog today. I felt the need to do so. When i'm sick and have nothing else to do but ponder things, i have thoughts to express.

Do you ever notice a jealousy in you?

Sick

Well, i caught another virus of some kind. I suppose my radar isn't on like it was during chemo, i was so careful with washing hands and staying away from crowds etc... i'm in with the general population now. Its been a relief to not think about it so much, but now i'm sick more.

Most of me wants to walk and socialize. Move my body. If i do that i could end up bed ridden for a while, so i need to rest. I get stir crazy. I've been resting since friday afternoon. I want to be well now. Things to do, people to see. I'm not the most patient person when i'm sick, not that i'm the most patient to begin with. I'm working on it.

I took a yoga class friday morning and realized how my muscles are atrophied from all the sitting around all year. I have been walking but that only uses certain muscles. During a couple of "easy" poses my muscles wanted to spasm and seize up. Scary feeling. I have to start all over again i guess. Start getting my muscles back in shape.

I had been in the doctors office the other day and noticed how these six kids were entertaining themselves with common objects. There was one parent and six kids in a doctors office. Usually that combo could be intense on the noise level. These kids were basically quiet. Two young boys were making their paper cups into sailboats, putting them on the ground and blowing the "sails". They were racing the boats. They did this very quiet. Another boy would crawl under seats and find small areas to challenge himself with, to see if he'd fit. One girl was reading. One boy sat next to his mom and watched her read. They all made little sound and yet were doing something. It amazed me. They didnt need hand held video games or loud toys to entertain them. The childs mind is so creative, i think we adults forget that sometimes.

I look at my cat who loves to play with milk rings and pieces of crumpled up paper.

I'm not sure why i chose to write about that, it has been on my mind. Creativity.

oh, and i made my decision on thursday after i met with my oncologist. I am going to have a hysterectomy, hopefully laproscopically, then go on Aromatase Inhibitors about two or so weeks after the surgery. I should find out next week when the surgery is. My gynecologist will hopefully be performing the surgery at the hospital i like. She said i'd be at the hospital one night. I'm hoping to still be able to go to London for New Years. Fingers crossed.

Now, back to bed.....ugh.....

Attachment

I'm back. I'm back from a wonderful workshop, i'm back online, i'm back to feeling pretty good, but i'm also back to my routine. Not sure thats such a good thing.

Its interesting when we get into our habits and routines. Its hard to break from it. I for instance will wake up, feed the cat usually after a quick bathroom visit, make some tea and then go online to check my email and other sites i like to go to (see my list).

So, this weekend I was out of my comfort zone, out of my routine. It was really good for me. I went to a workshop where there is no t.v., no cell phones, no computer, no cat to feed. I had only me to focus on and that can be scary. There are many ways we avoid feeling, avoid spending time with ourselves and check in. I realized how much i avoid everyday.

I woke up at the workshop, had a cup of decaf coffee to mostly warm up, then went for a walk around the beautiful area. There is an apple orchard that i snuck into, we're allowed to go in there but it was shut up, i found a way in anyway, got a couple of apples that were on the ground but in perfectly good shape. I walked past the grumpy geese who like to chase you if you come near them at all., they have a pond and little house to snuggle up in. I walked into the wooded area where there is an old Shaker cemetary. There are religious statues all around, and a wonderful pathway that had beautiful birch trees and colorful leaves everywhere, very magikal. (yes, i like to spell magikal with a k)

It felt good to just sit with where i was at and not tune out or distract by being on the computer or watching t.v. There is a place for distraction for sure. When i experienced bone pain or was not well during treatment i needed distraction. I wasnt able to read or do crossword puzzles due to my eyes being blurry and my mind being fuzzy. Distraction can be helpful if your mind is repeating negative thoughts.

There was another thought i had about attachment. At the workshop there was a saying, i hope i get it right, that goes like this..... Show Up, Do the work, ......now of course i cant remember it all..... but the part of the 4 part statement that stuck with me was the part that says Dont be attached to the outcome. I had an issue with wanting to know whats going to happen, and to have an idea of what i want to happen, and if that doesnt happen its hard to not be disappointed. I learned that things happen and not always the way we want them to. I went to the workshop wanting to work on a particular issue and i really didnt. Its ok. I worked on what i needed to work on and it was enough. I tend to get impatient, i want to go to a therapist and get the quick fix, do all the work then and there. It doesnt work that way. Its a life long process. Life happens, and happens all the time, we never really catch up and its ok.

Theres also attachment to things. At the workshop a woman had lost an item that meant alot to her, it wasnt an expensive item, but it had emotional value to her. The whole group was looking and looking for it. I don't know if she ended up finding it or not. It got me thinking on how we hold onto things that have emotions attached to them. I used to keep things that had memories around them. When i was a teenager i would keep matchbooks or wrappers that had memories of a date with a boy. I'd keep the oddest things, like i was afraid that experience would fade away and not be real anymore. When my boyfriend Stuart died, i kept anything that he had touched close to me. I've since learned to let some of it go. Timing is everything, i believe it can be a powerful experience to let items go, its very healing, a way of moving forward, not forgetting, but moving forward.


Tomorrow i should be making my big decision about treatment. I've been studying, talking and sorting. Now its time for decision making and action. I'll let you know what i decide and try not to be attached to the outcome of my decision.

Tolerance for Pain

I'm feeling much better today. My mood has shifted. It's sunny out and its a new day!

Yesterday I had a "first" time experience, ....no not sex....get your mind out of the gutter.....my first waxing experience. It may be my last.

I was offered a free first time waxing appointment from a really nice woman who is part owner of a salon/spa locally. I was discussing with her how i'm grateful my hair is finally coming back but its coming back in places i'd rather not have hair, or so much of it anyway. My face was the biggest complaint. Luckily i have light blonde hair on my face so its not as noticeable, except to me and in certain lights. I was feeling so self conscious about it. i didnt think i'd care so much but maybe since i have short hair there's more focus on my face?

In any case, i decided i'd take her up on her nice offer of a free waxing. I wanted to have the experience anyway. At least i thought i did. Some things i realize you don't always have to experience. Torture, eating pigs brains, hiking Mt Everest, you get the idea. I may add waxing to my list of things i don't need to do a second time.

I tend to have a high tolerance for pain, certain types of pain. I've dislocated my knee over 6 times on one knee and one time on the other. The kind of thing where i had to knock it back into place myself. I've had gynecological pains that i wont get into, that were similar to having a baby. I've had many types of pain., surgeries, injuries. Its the sudden extreme pain that I don't do well with. I could never be a boxer. Its the assault feeling my body goes through when its out of the blue kind of pain. I crumble when that happens.

I forgot to warn the woman who was torturing me that i may cry, and that its just a reflex kind of reaction and not to worry about it. She tried the sly kind of approach where she'd ask me a question, get me talking, then ripppppppppp the sheet of paper and wax off my face. I don't like the sly approach. I want to be warned when you are going to inflict major pain on me! It felt like she had slapped me on my face, hard, and out of the blue. Very jarring. After ripping most of my face off on one side, she left the room to get a warm towel to wipe the wax and what felt like blood, off my face. When she was gone i felt the tears welling up. I hadn't cried in some time, so i knew i was due. I tried to hold the tears back. When she came back in i let them out, the tears flowed. I was embarrassed and tried to supress them. My body wasnt cooperating.

The woman was very sweet about it and asked if i needed anything. I couldnt talk, i wanted to go to the bathroom and get it together, but i couldnt move. Finally i was able to talk and told her i'd been under some stress lately etc.... she told me that lots of people cry during waxing, and that she's cried too. She mentioned how she wont get a bikini waxing anymore, its too much for her. I wont even go there about that!

I needed the release apparently, so it was a good thing, just not the place i wanted to do some releasing at.

It got me thinking about torture and pain, inflicting pain, or volunteering to receive painful treatments.

Why do we do these silly things to ourselves? For beauty? So other people will find us attractive? I suppose its also about liking what we see in the mirror. I see so many people getting plastic surgery and going through painful procedures.

I don't want to judge them, i am just wondering about it all. How did that all start? Who planted that "seed" into our brains that says we need to look a certain way in order to be accepted in our own minds and in others?

I walked home and had this horrible image in my mind of bikini waxing. No way, no how, no thank you!

I will be offline until next week sometime, having my computer upgraded so i can use my new Nano my friend Dan gave me. I'll be going into withdrawals......so i'll be writing again when i can.....stay tuned!

Losing Faith

What happened to the great feeling i had not too long ago? I was feelin' good, had lots of energy, very positive, optimistic.

Today, i'm feeling very blah and losing faith. I don't want to be this way, i really don't.

Maybe the "holding on" i've been doing for so long is finally catching up to me? I'm worn out, tired of being stressed out, tired of trying to make up my mind on this crazy decision, tired of so many things.

I have fear all around me and its closing in. Every pain i have i think its the cancer coming back. I've been having shooting pains in my breast,....my scarred, burned, cut, dyed, swollen breast.

I know i have so much to be grateful for. I'm just not feeling it today. I'm just tired.

Theres no place like home...

I feel like i'm locked in the wicked witches room, staring at the hour glass, watching time fade away.

The suspense is more real than some movie you can turn off or walk away from. I'm in it.

I went to a yoga class, but its not really a yoga class. There is more talking than actual yoga taking place. I wanted to process things but i didnt get a chance to talk. Nothing was going as i had planned that day. I was irritable and impatient. My tolerance level is very low right now. Stress had taken over. I am aware of it but yet fall into its trap. why do we do that? Stress seems to be yet another addiction humans can create for themselves and crave in some way.

Have you ever met someone who seems to always have some drama in their lives? I believe we pull that energy towards us and the more we stress about being stressed only makes it worse.

My knee hurting and my body reacting to the stress is its way of saying STOP! NOW! not later after......or after.......no, now!

So, i'm taking some time, some down time. Very challenging. I'm trying not to talk to others about my decision and trying not to think about it all the time.

Ok, so i did some more research online today, but only about an hours worth if that. The rest of the rainy day i did some knitting, cleaned some of my bathroom, organized a bit, read. I tried to distract but not only in one way, i wanted to mix it up a bit.

I definitely noticed a difference in my stress level.

I'm also trying to challenge myself to not go immediately to sugar or comfort foods.

Can't i just click my heels and say "theres no place like home...", and be gone from this situation?

Want to throw a tantrum

Been pretty stressed out lately.

I don't want to make my decision about hormone therapy, hysterectomy etc....

Just dont want to, period!

I want a year off, then decide. My Oncologist of course strongly advises against waiting. I moved my appointment to November 8th.

I want more time to think about this, get more data. I also heard Mercury is in retrograde, and everybody knows you shouldnt make big decisions during that time, right? well, not everyone knows this. I'm using it as a reason to delay my decision making date. Next i'll say that my palm reader says i cant make any decisions for a year. I do believe in palm reading and psychics and astrologers. There are a lot of fakes out there too, like with anything.

The point is i want time, i want to be able to stop time for a while, have some fun, live my life. I know if i go on drugs and if i have an operation, maybe the fun wont necessarily stop, but the chances are good that its going to be tough for a while.

I know i should be grateful, so many people out there are fighting as i type this, just to live another day, they would be grateful to be having my so called problems. I finally feel better than i've felt in literally years and i'm being asked to alter that drastically and maybe for a long long time!
NOOOOOO!

My body is not happy with me either, its telling me to slow down and be good to myself. I'm eating lots of unhealthy foods, mostly sugary foods. Not good for fighting off cancer. I am an emotional eater for sure. I get stressed and i go for ice cream, pastries, chocolate. That only adds to the stress and anxiety. My knee is upset as well. I am now on the couch with it propped up. I had to limp to my appointment today, wasnt sure i was going to make it. I had wrapped it up with an ace bandage, but that doesnt really do anything. I had to take two buses and walk part way. I just want to hide my head under the covers and not come out.

My head is a swirling vortex of data, numbers, side effects, risks, fears. Its amazing how one day you can feel happy and energetic and the next its doomsday.

I also got some sad news. A friend of the family who lived in England passed away a few days a go, Mary. She was so sweet to me when my boyfriend died and i went over there to see his grave. I had stayed with her for a few days on my travels about England. She had lost her husband Hugh a while before I stayed with her. Mary had had breast cancer about 20-30 or so years ago, she had taken a drug i am considering taking, and her doctor told her that the recent recurrence of ovarian cancer was probably due to the medication she had taken. She lost the battle this time. She was a sweet sweet lady and she'll be missed.

There seems to be so much fear and death around me lately. I know there is beauty as well. Its just hard to see through the black slime sometimes.

Its like going through a car wash with those octopus like washers, engulfing you and surrounding, suffocating you, but if you just hold your breath you can make it out to the sunlight again. I'm still holding my breath.

Pea Soup

It is incredibly foggy out right now. My mind knows there are other buildings and trees beyond what i can see, but my eyes only see the house next door and the tree in front of it. The rest is white.

It is fitting for my mood lately. I know I need to "go inward", become introspective. My mind is wanting a different plan. My mind is racing and incredibly busy trying to work out what my next move should be. So much information swirling about my head, details .....details.....details......

driving me nuts

I got a cold yesterday. First one all year. I've been so careful when i was on chemo and radiation, surgery etc... didn't get sick once, only sick from treatments, that was enough.

when a person who has had cancer gets sick, it becomes a bit more concerning than if i had gotten sick before cancer. Theres always this worry in the back of my mind that if this is a really bad cold it could put me in the hospital if my immune system cant handle it. I'm sure i'll be fine, its just the worrier part of me stepping up.

I know its a combination of being on a full bus with coughing and sneezing people going to NH, stress and not sleeping/eating as well that made me sick. Also the worrying i'm constantly doing. I am trying to take some time to be still and listen, to quiet my mind. I'm resisting. I want to avoid and escape. I really don't want to make any decisions about hormone therapy, hysterectomy, or any other decisions right now. I want to have fun and relax. My oncologist is pushing me to make a decision soon. The protocol is to get onto some sort of drug therapy a few weeks after radiation is finished. That would be right about now.

grrrrrrrrr........

i want to throw a tantrum and not do anything, kick my feet, pound my hands on the floor and scream at the top of my lungs! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm finally feeling better than i've felt in years, and now I'm being asked to change that.

I've always been a stubborn person. I want to do things my way. My mom told me some stories of how she'd try to pick out clothes for me when i was little and i refused. I would put the most odd combinations of clothes together and was perfectly happy with my decisions. I'm not happy with not doing a thing, i'm not happy about any of the choices presented to me right now.

What to do?

I need some more time. I will try to allow some quiet time and listen to what my body tells me. I've been praying to whomever will listen out there. I would appreciated some guidance.

On a different note.......

I had a wonderful experience while walking down my friends dirt road in NH. It was about 7a.m. The sun had come out, it was chilly but crisp, clean air. Quiet. Birds waking up. Mist coming off of the pond and grass. I saw a face with big ears looking at me in a field. It was a good sized buck, he seemed young. maybe a teenager? He had antlers but not filled in, still had some white on his chest. Majestic. I stopped in the road and we just stared at each other for minutes. I could have stood there for ever. I wanted to send him love and an understanding that I wasnt an enemy.

It was a peaceful, beautiful moment.

Celebrate! Celebrate!

This week has been a bit of a blur, but in a good way! Very busy.

I have been behind with my emails and phone calls. I've been running around with appointments and having fun, with no time for anything else. I deserve a fun week, for sure! I did deal with some business as well, going over my options for the next step in my treatment. I still havent decided yet, what path to go down. Next week i'll be more focused on my research and making some sort of decision.

I just wish i could have a year off before i decide anything. I don't really have that luxury. I suppose i could take some time off, but it would be against my doctors recommendations.

I want to throw a tantrum and not do anything. I finally feel more myself. I'm not sure when the last time I felt this good, in some ways, was. Even before my cancer diagnosis.

I don't want the good feelings to go away. If I make a decision things will change, maybe temporarily, but it will change.

On a lighter note. I had a blast at a fund raiser for Live2Thrive, Live pronounced like give. Its a new group for young cancer survivors from ages 18-45 or so. The group is through the Cancer Community Center. So the benefit was at a bar called Una. They are known for their good martinis. The picture of me is at Unas with my first martini in almost a year. Yummy! The band was awesome, Rustic Overtones, thanks guys! I had two friends come up from NH and my step sister went too. Fun times!

I met a guy there that had done 3 tours in the military. One to Sudan/Darfur, One to Baghdad, and one to Fallujah. He looked fairly young and told me he is going back and he "loves it!". Wow. I felt very sad after speaking with him. His face changed when he started telling me about how we are so sheltered over here, that the media waters down the truth. He also mentioned how troupes have been going over to Korea for some time now, getting ready for another possible war. Who knows if thats true, but it wouldnt surprise me if we (USA) went after Korea or Iran next. .......Sigh......I don't understand how a young man can say that he loves it over where there is so much hate and violence. How can war be glamorized? I don't understand it.

Friday night I went to a party for my friend Matt, Happy Birthday Matt! Good food, good company! I wish i had had energy to play ping pong with the kids. I used to love to play that when i was young. I remember there being a ping pong table in the family den. I dont have a lot of memories of my young life, but thats one of them.

Friday day i had been down town, took a bus. It was absolutely pouring out, all day. Streets were flooding, drains clogging, skies opened up. On the bus there was only one other woman sitting near the driver. Shes a regular rider who knows the driver. They were singing old songs, it was really nice. Pouring rain, windows all fogged up, with singing. On my way home, i walked quite a way, getting more and more soaked. After a while it doesnt seem to matter that i have an umbrella. I just laughed and started singing, "I'm singing in the rain...." it makes no sense to be upset or irritated. I'm glad i could laugh about it.

I believe everyone should sing in the rain at least once in their lifetime, its very cleansing for the soul.

Yummy Mochatini at Unas

No more "school" !

I was told that I may feel out of sorts due to not going to treatment every day. I thought there would be no way i'd miss it. I certainly don't miss the treatments. What i do miss is having a kind of job to do every day. I saw usually the same people and i knew what was going to go on, knew what to expect to a certain extent. Now I rest and make plans and rest some more.

Sounds pretty good right? what do i have to complain about then? Its just a feeling of loss, starting a new scary chapter in my life. Its exciting but also a bit unknown.

I was faced with some disappointment this past weekend. Friday night was a celebratory night. i was drinking my glass of sparkling wine, smelling my beautiful roses from Dan, life was good!

Then i woke up saturday morning and was so exhausted! I had lunch with my dad and stepmom. Our plan was to have lunch and go to the museum. Near the end of lunch I was so fatigued. It hit me hard. I had to go home after lunch.

What happened to all that excitement and celebrating? I want my energy back! i tend to get a bit impatient.

Its just depressing sometimes. I want to snap my fingers and be feeling good again. It doesnt work that way. I was told I'd probably feel tired for at least a week, maybe two. I wanted to prove them wrong. My body didn't go along with that plan.

I rested most of saturday and most of sunday. Watched my Patriots for a bit and then my good friend Nancy came up for a visit. We got some dinner and watched a movie. Had an early piece of chocolate cake for my pre-birthday celebration. Fun! I was still hoping i'd wake up and have all kinds of energy. Luckily Nancy was pretty tired too, so we got to just chill out.

Yesterday, my birthday.......yahoo!!....I woke up to a very cold morning, brrrrrrr.......Nancy and I got some coffee, I treated myself to a Mocha Latte, chocolate for breakfast...mmmmmmmm. We walked to the ocean in the misty weather. Reminded me of the UK.

On our way we spotted a small bird that was dead on the sidewalk. I moved it to a flowerbed. sad.

On our way from the beach I saw a red raspberry. Only one, and perfect! I ate it up. I wanted there to be one for Nancy, but she said that was my special birthday raspberry. So good with the mocha, yummmm.

We got almost back to my house when we saw yet another dead bird on the sidewalk! The same kind of bird, i think they were finches. We looked near by it and saw a cat staring down at the bird. We don't know for sure if the cat killed the bird. It was just so disturbing that we would see two birds, in a matter of minutes, in totally different locations, dead. I mentioned this wasnt a good omen for my birthday.

I thought about a book I had read years ago. Life as a Waking Dream. You interpret your day as if it was a dream. So, what would this "dream" tell me? Two dead birds and a raspberry. Nancy was saying maybe something in my life needs to die off, a bad habit or unhealthy pattern, way of living.

So, yes, i would like to think thats what the meaning of the dead birds means to me, and not bad ju ju.

Nancy went home and I rested until my stepsister came over. We split the bottle of champagne that Nancy brought me, a mini bottle. We met my mom and stepdad for some japanese food. yum, yum. Love sushi, especially Unagi, the eel. We ended our meal with some greentea fried icecream with a candle and embarrassing "happy birthday" singing.

Today I'm laying low, after i had an appointment and ran about town a bit. I'm done for the day. Feeling a bit off, sore throat and just a run down feeling. Hope i'm not coming down with something. I need to be well for the rest of the week, lots going on. Still have some more celebrating to do.

Thank you to the people who sent kind birthday wishes and lovely cards!

Back to resting again.............but i really want to go see Korn!! ........Next time for sure!

Goulish Buddha

Day Thirty Three

I made it! No more radiation! whew! so glad it's over!

Walked to radiation and remembered to take my camera with me. There is a statue of a Buddha that i pass every day, its near the hospital. I've noticed the owners of the statue will decorate the Buddha with seasonal clothes and items. During the summer i noticed goggles and beach wear were on him, now there is halloween items. When i first saw the statue with goggles on, my first reaction was that it was disrespectful. If a statue of Jesus or some other respected teacher was decorated that way, would it be received well? Then I realized that Buddha himself would probably get a kick out of the decorations. Its all in fun. We all need to remember to lighten up sometimes.

I took a picture of the Goulish Buddha and hopefully remembered to post it here. My step dad surprised me by showing up at the hospital. That was a nice. Mr A was there too.

I got to see a couple of survivors as well. They wanted to be excited for me, but i could tell it was hard, they want it to be over for them as well.

I took pics of the metal artwork on the ceiling and of the two techs i had the most dealings with. Mr A gave me flowers, one red rose and one yellow one, like from one of his stories he wrote. He had typed up a note to me as well, so sweet. I brought him a card too, thanking him for being so kind to me and to others. I also had brought a card for the techs. I put nurse C's name on the card too, but not sure why. She didnt even get up from her chair to say goodbye to me, only that she would call me next week for a check in.

Miss V and R gave me a hug, that was nice.

I'm glad to not have to wear those silly, ugly johnnys anymore. I can put lotion on after i shower, i can make plans in the morning hours and i can start doing other things with my life, start living again.

My stepdad and I went to have some breakfast, very yummy. I got a couple of movies at the video store. I realize i still need to take it easy this weekend.

I got a delivery of a dozen red roses with a "congratulations!" balloon attached to it from my London friend Dan, such a sweetheart! He had given me roses on my first day of chemo as well, which happened to also be valentines day, and a blizzard, not the most fun day, but the roses brightened it up. So, its been almost eight months since that first day of treatment. Wow.

My friend Dan had a mini bottle of sparkling wine in his fridge too, so we both opened up our bottles and had a toast! It was only 4:30pm here and 9:30pm in England.

I had rested a couple of hours before i had called him.

My birthday is on monday so he had also sent me something from Amazon dot com but i hadn't opened it up yet, i wanted to wait till he was on the phone. It was an i pod Nano! So sweet! little thing. How do they do it? I swear i must be cursed with the technology devices. Every time i try things computer like or electronic something happens. I tried to get the nano started and for some reason its says the i-pod is corrupted and i tried to restore it and it wont let me. I really want to use my new toy. I'll have to call tech support tomorrow. Can't wait to start using it! Maybe all the radiation rays short circuited it? I'm glowing now, hot hot hot....eggs anyone?

I'm glad that what i'm complaining about it some music device instead of aches and pains, or blood counts or my hair not coming in, or worse. I'm back into the mundane complaining that lots of people have.

I know i am really lucky and I want to appreciate what i have, more often. I hope i can give back to people and show how grateful i am for all the generosity i've received from so many.

This coming week however, its time to party!! If you have a drink in hand sometime this week, maybe you can toast me and toast yourself, toast life!

I did it, 33 treatments! Whoooo hoooo!

Day Thirty Two

I posted twice today, so check out day thirty one down the page.....

I woke up with a mantra this morning...."only two more to go...only two more to go"

Rough last few days. Didn't feel so good yesterday, was in bed most of the afternoon. Mostly major fatigue.

Walked to the hospital today. I had this voice in my head from Finding Nemo, when Dory says "just keep swimming, just keep swimming....", i can make it....yes i can!

Warm day already. It smelled like summer. It is October isnt it? Supposed to be in the high 70's low 80's the next few days. So odd. I remember growing up and not being so happy about when my birthday was. I couldnt have a pool party or a beach party. My birthday was always so freezing cold. Maybe not this year.

Mr A was in the waiting area when i had gotten changed for my treatment. He said he had something special for me tomorrow, on my last day. He hinted to one of his stories about flowers, maybe he'll bring me some flowers? He's such a sweetheart. I wish someone would write a story about him. Maybe i will. I would love to at least video tape him telling some of his stories. He's got lots of them, life stories.

When i lived in NC i used to work part time for some older people living in their homes. I was a personal assistant. I cooked, cleaned, even helped some take showers if they were unable to stand up etc. I sometimes thought of myself as a housekeeper and thought i didnt get paid enough, barely above minimum wage, but then other times i cherished my time with the people i worked for. I heard some amazing stories from some amazing people. Stories about Martin Luther King Jr coming to town and how scared people were, how some people ran into the woods for safety from the riots. Story after story. Of course due to confidentiality i couldnt record any of them in any way. I did write some info down in my journal. I ended up going to a couple of funerals of the people who trusted me with their personal history. I felt honored to have known them. Mr A reminds me of some of the people i met down south. If you take a few extra minutes and listen to a story, it may really make you think and wonder.

The buzzing took 51 seconds today. I may have been counting fast.

From the hospital I walked to the Whole Wallet and got some supplements and a few items i needed. As i was searching for something i noticed i was having trouble breathing. The feeling like when you are in a humid place, can't quite get a full breath. It worried me a bit when it didn't seem to subside and decided to call my mom to see if she could come get me, take me home. I wasn't sure i could walk all the way home. I had a couple hills to climb and it was heating up outside. It wasnt worth the risk. Luckily my mom was able to come get me. Thank you mom ! I got myself a mini bottle of sparkling wine to have tomorrow night, to celebrate my final day of radiation! Whoohoo!! I haven't had any alcohol since new years eve. Watch out!

Only One more to go!!!!!

Day Thirty One

Late posting, was in bed most of the day yesterday when i got home....I wrote this from a cafe after i left the hospital...

Pea Soup out there this morning. Haven't heard any fog horns surprisingly.

Walked to the hospital. More humid than i realized. Busy morning in the waiting area. Four women. One was there for the first time. Colon cancer. She's having some chemo and radiation at the same time, so she can go to work afterwards. She mentioned she's going to have her entire colon and rectum removed. Wow! She looks like shes around 50 years old. You'd never guess that she was sick by looking at her.

It's interesting to see people who are just starting their journey with cancer treatment. That familiar look of anxiety, or wanting to get answers. Wanting someone to tell them "i've been there, and it will be ok", but i can't say that, i don't know if it will be ok. I also have not really been there, not in her shoes.

I've noticed for the last few days or so that when i stand up i get dizzy, like many people get when they stand up too fast. Its been a bit worse than that. It happens if i stand up fast or slow. Today, i noticed that after i got off the table, slowly, i had to steady myself against the wall. I was surprised due to having walked there and my blood pressure should be normal or higher than my normal which is low to begin with. Miss V suggested i get the nurse to take my blood pressure. I agreed. Why not? I waited a few minutes for nurse C. She led me to the exam room and as she was doing so said "It has nothing to do with radiation, you probably have a virus". Thats been her answer before. A virus. Sure. I told her that i've been pretty tired and maybe I haven't been drinking enough water. She said "well, that could be". She took my BP and said "oh, it IS low", like i had been lying to her or something. She had me stand up and then she took it again. Apparently it went back up a bit and thats good. She told me to watch it and try to drink more water. If it doesnt get better go see my regular doctor. She seemed so put out to take my BP. I noticed the other day that she was shopping online for a dress. Couldn't even look up from the computer to say goodbye to me.

I saw my grandmother before i had another appointment. I hadn't seen her in a few weeks. She is in the beginning stages of Altzeimers. She still knows who i am, thankfully. It was funny when she saw my hair. She hadn't seen me without a scarf. She was taken back a bit and then she said i looked like a boy. She didn't say it in a mean way, just a matter of fact way. I know not to take her comments too seriously. I told her that i'll have to put some lipstick on. She said "ok" and preceded to wait for me to do so. I explained that i meant i'd put some on later.

My grandmother is very serious about image and has never left the house without lipstick on. She's from the south and has always looked so put together, from my memory anyway. Before i left she said i looked cute, so i guess she got used to my new look.

Everyone i know wants to feel my head, its like baby hair. It may be similar to pregnant women who have people touching their bellies without asking first, a bit invasive. It's a bit like a dog being petted. Its also fun, i understand why people have the impulse.

Thank you so much to all of you for your wonderful comments, i really appreciate you reading and commenting, its nice to know people are tuning in. I feel I have people with me on my journey. I live alone and sometimes its just nice to have that knowing of not really being alone.
Thank you.

Only 2 more to go!

Day Thirty

Wow, day thirty, didnt think i'd get here, but here i am. Reminds me of the whole Zen/Buddhist idea of being in the moment. Right here right now. I have appreciated that concept this year. I've had many moments where i felt i was completely there, not in the future or past.

Lately however, i feel i've been in the future of ....what could be, what might be. My body is feeling that stress as well. Our bodies tell us when we are out of balance. My back has been grumpy lately, to say the least. I know its due to my stress level. Stress causes cancer too, so i need to relax. Its hard not to stress out, in our society nowadays. Its all about going from here to there, fast and efficient. Make decisions now!

When I was told i had cancer, i went immediately in to see the doctor, no time to let this sink in. I was then told to decide asap, my cancer is aggressive and i shouldn't wait long. So much urgency. I feel differently now about that urgency. I feel i could have waited a bit longer and done some more research. At the same time, i trust my Oncologist. I believe he knows his stuff. He's the chief of oncology and came highly recommended by many people.

So, i walked to the hospital today. I didn't wear a hat, i brought one and noticed how cold i felt. I resisted putting my hat on. I know its such a small thing to think about. My view is that i want to be able to go hatless for as long as i can. I've had a scarf or hat on all summer. I finally get to feel free and it gets cold out. I know i could have gone hatless before, but its all about comfort levels. So, i shivered all the way to the hospital and I felt ALIVE! A good feeling.

I saw Mr A today. We talked about the stories he wrote. He explained how each story came out of some kind of reality of his own. Like one story was about stars and how that came to be was due to his son asking what stars were. Someone should do a story on Mr A. He has so many stories to tell.

I counted 43 seconds today, for the beeping/buzzing sound. The glasses guy had to draw the outline around my incision. I think he was nervous. I may be too if i had to draw on someones breast. i guess he needs to get over that. Practice practice.

I saw my osteopath today, she is very intuitive/sensitive. She could really feel the radiation and she was physically affected by it herself. So interesting. She said that it was pretty intense today. The effects of all the treatments are hitting my body now, all built up, and the higher dose this week is pretty strong as well. I felt it in my throat. The fatigue is intense too. I rested quite a bit when i got home.

I just have to ride the wave and i'm home free, soon, soon........

Happy Birthdays to LM and Hope!! Love you!

Only 3 more to go!

Day Twenty Nine

Overcast morning, not easy when its a monday to boot. I managed to walk to the hospital. I decided to get a decaf coffee from a cafe thats fairly new to town. I wore a hat that i recently acquired from the hospital. A bunch of women make and donate hats for cancer patients. I've seen them at the other hospital and at the community center as well. I ended up bringing back some hats that i had never worn or decided they didnt look so good on me. I only need so many hats.

I was reminded of when i first heard the dreaded words, "its cancer", i was at the hospital with a good friend of mine. I was told to wait in the waiting area for the Oncologist. I remember looking at the mannequin heads with wigs on and the hats next to them. I was so overwhelmed. The social worker came in while i was waiting and tried to cheer me up by saying i could have a free hat and she had info on wigs etc.... I just started crying, and felt so much disbelief. "This can't be happening to me!", "I'm not a person who is going to wear hats and have no hair and need a wig!"

But here I am. After a while you just fall into the routine and the acceptance of this is where i'm at and its ok. I don't love it and wish I was in a different place, but i'm still ok.

Today was the first day of the "boost". There was a new tech, a young student,watching and helping. He'll be around all week i guess. So it was Miss V and this guy, glasses guy i'll call him. I am positioned the same way as usual, only this time i am marked up quite a bit more. A circle is drawn with dots around the incision area from a clear plastic outline made up before.

The machine has an attachment on it that reminds me of a camera lens for movies. The attachment is only a couple inches from the incision area to have it be more precise and direct to the area. I asked Miss V about what the radiologist said to me about "grey 2", what did that mean? She tried to explain it and i'll try to explain it now. There seems to be two types of terminology used for the doses of radiation given. One term is Rads and the other is Centrigray (grey), ....not sure of the spelling......I thought Rads was the abbreviation for radiation, not so. When someone gets a dose of say 100 Rads, I believe that means 1.0 gray(grey), i got 1.8 grey with the four doses put together, now with this one dose i'm receiving 2.o grey. Higher dose and only one area. Hope that wasnt too confusing.

I wonder if I really need to know all this info. I was speaking with a survivor the other day and she is pretty happy just trusting her doctor and doing what they recommend, without asking too many questions. There is something to 'ignorance is bliss', sometimes i wish for ignorance. Most of the time I feel so much better and more in control, or at least a part of my healing, if i have more knowledge. I do realize that not everyone needs to know it all and I think thats completely fine.

The buzzing noise lasted about 45 seconds, i counted. Then i was finished. I then had to see the radiologist. Who would i get today? I got my least favorite one, oh boy!

I first saw Nurse C, she weighed me and then looked at the area. I told her about how much its been itching. She said she'll recommend to the doctor that he write a Rx for another lotion to help with that. Why does she AND he need to look at the area? Seems odd to me.

He asked how i was feeling. I told him about the pains i've had a few times in my lung. He said that thats normal for most women and went on to explain how in about two weeks after i finish how i will start to heal up etc....... why is it only women its normal with? It has to do with the lung, not breast. last i checked men and women have lungs. I know,.... i'm being smart. He just rubs me the wrong way. He said it was nice to meet me and good luck etc...and that i would see my assigned radiologist in about 2? weeks i believe, after i finish treatment. He also said i would follow up with her from time to time. I asked why, and said i thought i'd be finished with rads and only see my Oncologist. He said I would see her to check in still. Huh. Didnt realize that. Wonder why? He told me that my skin would be sensitive for the rest of my life, that i'd need to keep the area moisturized pretty regularly. Permanent skin damage.

I made some miso soup with daikon, wakame, and tofu when i got home. Not bad if i say so myself. I'm starting to cook a bit more when i can. I'll be so happy to get my energy back.

Time to lie down for a rest.

Only four more to go!

Day Twenty Eight

Over slept today, i haven't done that in months! I usually wake up and can't get back to sleep if its around 6 or so, but today i woke up at 7:20 and thought i was dreaming. I suppose my body is really needing some sleep lately.

I had my moms car this morning so i didnt walk to the hospital, I borrowed her car so i could get to my new class i started today. Its a yoga class with a twist, involves talking, breathing and writing in a journal. Goes for 8 weeks. An early birthday present from my mom and stepdad, thank you guys!

I was feeling very disconnected in class however, not myself at all. Mostly due to the fatigue. I'm sure that by the 3rd class when i'm finished with the radiation i'll be more myself, more energetic.

Not a lot to tell about the treatment today. It was the last day i'm getting zapped in four different places. so thats a milestone. Monday i'll be having the treatments only on the incision area. I noticed some pain that seemed like it was coming from my lung, right lung or ribs, but i think its my lung. It's happened a few times in the last few days. Doesnt last too long but its a bit startling. I did read in a pamphlet about radiation that some people get a cough from the treatment. I still have the minor sore throat as well.

I was told by R that this weekend I may really feel the treatments catch up to me and i'll need to rest. Also that my skin could get worse this coming week. Its a delayed reaction, like how a sunburn can be worse the next day, really settle in. Same idea but takes a few days to kick in.

So, i'm wondering if I should continue this blog after i'm finished with my radiation. I wonder if people will still read it and care to read it afterwards? Let me know if you think I should or shouldn't continue posting. Thanks!

Hope you all have a good weekend!

Only 5 more to go!

Day Twenty Seven

Wow, what a hot and humid night last night, it got up to the nineties yesterday. Broke all kinds of weather records. Hello global warming.

Walked to radiation this morning.

It was a busy morning in the waiting area. Usually i see one person from time to time but today there were two women waiting. I spoke with one woman who was about to have her first treatment. She is having a different kind of radiation treatment than I am having. Apparently its a type of ablation, where a balloon was surgically placed on the side of her breast and then i'm not sure what happens. She told me she has had the lump for years and has just been watching it, along with her doctors. It changed recently and turned cancerous but they still got it early. She's having ten treatments. No chemo, so shes lucky in that sense.

She along with a few people lately, have asked how old i am, and that i seem young. I mention my age and people agree that i am indeed young. It got me thinking. Age is relative isnt it? I believe in general that people are more upset when they hear of someone young, especially children, getting sick. I know for me i get more upset when i see animal abuse than some accident or illness someone may get. Dont get me wrong, i am upset at most tragic events, but for some reason it hits me hardest when i see animals suffer. Maybe its the helpless feeling or the confusion of how someone could hurt an animal, i dont understand it.

I notice children with cancer now and have a bit of a different view on things. I see anyone with cancer and think its not right, no matter how old they are. Its not fun and no one should have to go through it. When older people get sick its almost accepted and people say "well, they had a full life".

I know I am lucky compared to lots of sick people who are in pain and are suffering so much more than me.

I was speaking with another survivor today who has a friend who was recently diagnosed with ALS, (Lou Gehrigs Disease), .......now that is an awful awful disease! I really dont think i could ride that journey out to the end. She has four children as well. Puts things into perspective for me.

My friend and I were also speaking about how we don't know how we are going to die, even she, whose cancer has come back in her bones, doesnt really know if thats how shes going to die. She mentioned how she almost got hit in a crosswalk the other day, a three car fender bender as she was crossing the street. She said that that would have been ironic dying that way instead of cancer.

I was leaving the hospital today and there was a fierce thunder and lightning storm going on. I had to run for the bus in pouring rain, coming down in sheets. Lightning all around. I have a bit of a dislike of T&L storms, i dont mind the rain but the lightning i can do without. Its so unpredictable and dangerous. i sat on the bus and we just rode around in what seemed to be the eye of the storm, rain is pouring into the bus through the windows, wind blowing, seats getting soaked, lightning all around. We're sitting in a metal box with windows all around us. Not a joy ride for me. I just sat with my eyes closed most of the time, trying to breathe. I was thinking how ironic it would be if i died by lightning, .....but it really isnt ironic. None of us know how we are going to die, or when, just that we will someday.

Only six more to go!

Day Twenty Six

Hot, hot hot today, and pretty humid, although there's a breeze.

Walked to the hospital today.

The sun is coming up later and later in the morning, its hard to get out of bed when its still dark out.

Not much to report today, my head is still swirling with the latest information on the choices i need to make soon.

I spoke with another patient who is getting radiation around the same time I am. Mr J, he told me how amazed he is how tired he gets after not doing too much. He said he is moving in with his girlfriend and was just moving boxes from one room to the other on saturday night and after just a little while he said he was hit hard with fatigue, his sleep was disturbed and he had a low grade fever with chills. Hmmmmmm, sounds familiar. Can't be related to radiation though, thats what the doctors told me. Yeah, right. He is half way through his treatments, i remember wondering if i'd make it to the half way part. Now i only have 7 more to go!

Day Twenty Five

Walked to Radiation today. Its been summer like temps the last two days and supposed to be even hotter tomorrow.

Today I saw Mr A, sweet as ever, he gave me a small book he had published in 2006, but had started writing the stories in 1954. He signed it to me. Very thoughtful.

The two techs today are sick with colds, so i was hoping they wouldnt get too close. I really don't want to be sick. The exhaustion has been very intense. I find i'm resting more and more. The techs took another x-ray today. I have one once a week. I swear i must glow in the dark from all the radiation i've had. I could probably fry an egg.

So, yesterday i met with my oncologist. We talked for a long time. He's really great about letting me ask as many questions as i want and giving me very in depth answers. We discussed hormone therapy and the options. I have strong concerns about Tamoxifen.

Unfortunately pre menopausal women don't have as many choices as post menopausal women, as far as drugs are concerned. I need to decide if i want to go into menopause permanently, or temporarily, thus having two menopauses. I already had a mini one when my ovaries shut down during chemo, that was no fun at all! I don't plan on having children but the risks of early menopause are there. There are risks of osteoporosis and other things.....If i take the drugs there are a lot of major concerns/risks to think about.

If i do nothing, my chances of my cancer coming back are higher. My onc said that the hormone therapy would decrease my chances of getting the cancer back, by about 15-20 percent.

I meet with my doctor again on October 22nd with my decision.

On my walk home today i saw lots of monarch butterflies. There was one huge one on the grass, i decided to kneel down next to it and see if it would climb on my fingers. It did for a few seconds. what a feeling.....to feel the gentle touch of a butterfly on your fingertips. Theres nothing like it.

Only 8 more to go!

Day Twenty Four

Woke up early to the eerie sound of a cat fight, or a cat very upset. I don't like that sound, my cat didn't either. I couldn't get back to sleep even though it was still dark out.

I listened to the early morning sounds, the birds waking up, the sun growing brighter in the sky. I saw the signature V shape of a bunch of geese, probably Canadian geese, flying west. Reminded me of that wonderful movie Winged Migration.

I went to a benefit fundraiser even for the Cancer Community Center I like to go to. It was a beautiful day for it. The event was held at a place that has trails and beautiful areas to hang out in and enjoy. People raised over $40,000.00 for the event! So great! My dad and stepmom walked with me. We did the 5K walk, there were some hills but not too bad. We made it ok. It felt good to accomplish something like that. I remember being able to hike mountains, nothing major but still a mountain, and not i'm lucky to get up a hill, but i know it takes time. I will get there again. Slowly but surely.

Walked to the hospital today, nice sunny day again.

Today i was told that the techs had to set up the area that's going to be "boosted" on the last five days. They had to draw dots around the incision area, the one that had the tumor, and take a picture, get a metal molding-type plate that fits so the opening is big enough for the radiation to go to the incision area but not other areas, i believe thats the procedure.

My arm was losing all circulation from keeping my arm up for the regular treatment and then for the set up time, pins and needles and throbbing.

Then i met with one of the nurses, the one i like, M. She weighed me, gained one pound, must have been the cookout yesterday. I met with yet another radiologist i had never met. I liked him ok, Mr M. He has nice blue eyes. I asked him about the boost and if it was going to be a much higher dosage of radiation and apparently they start out with "grey/gray one and go up", whatever that means. so, yes, they will start at one level and go up for the remaining sessions. I'm getting 5 boosts. I asked if i will be really wiped out due to the boosts, and he said that because the radiation is cumulative i will be feeling more tired only because i will have had 28 treatments before the boosts start and the fatigue will hit me around that time and be pretty tired for a week or two after i finish up. Doctor M at least answered my questions, but he seemed anxious to get going somewhere else, busy busy.

I see my Oncologist today, to discuss hormone therapy and my choices. On to the next phase of treatment.

Only 9 more to go!

Day Twenty Two and Day Twenty Three

Been too tired to blog, whew, radiation is definitely wearing me out.

Not a whole lot to report for side effects or symptoms other than more redness and itching. Fatigue being the biggest annoyance.

Since there are two days to cover i thought i'd write about two different subjects today. One being the use of hormones, or anti hormone medications.

Monday I am due to see my Oncologist at the other hospital. He will want to discuss hormone therapy with me. I am 99 percent set on not going the Tamoxifen route. I've just heard too many horrible things about it. How can i with a good conscience, ingest something that i'm not comfortable taking, every day for 5 or so years? I dont see how that can help me. Unfortunately there are few other options for women my age. The choices of hormone therapy drugs are so limited for premenopausal women. I could get my ovaries out and then take another drug, but do i want to do that? I'd have more choices of drugs to take, but who's to say they are good? Its all faith isnt it? Its going with your gut in the end, of course after speaking with your doctors, its your body. Theres so much information out there that it becomes overwhelming.

I just got back from a macrobiotic cooking class. Free at the center i go to. Depressing. I am not eating as healthy as i could be. Macrobiotic cooking is a way of life, its like taking up a religion. Theres so much involved. Very interesting and makes sense to me. Just like any kind of new thing, it takes time to incorporate it into your life, its a commitment. If you do it right, its also money. New pots and pans, new stove, so on and so forth. So i figure i can slowly start incorporating macrobiotic eating as much as i can right now. There are ways to lower estrogen levels through food. What if i did just that? With no hormone therapy? So many questions. It's hard to make these decisions when you are exhausted as well. I remember having to make decisions about my treatment, when i was overwhelmed and exhausted, when i was in chemo as well. Too much.

The second thing i wanted to discuss is heroes, no not the show, the heroes of real life. How we look at some people as super beings who conquer the unbelievable. Overcome such obstacles. The pressure we all put on ourselves at times, to be these people. I know that some people find inspiration from Lance Armstrong, or Ghandi, or the person who survived a concentration camp, or the woman who fought cancer against all odds, the stories go on and on. I'm so glad there are people out there to look to for hope and for those inspirational stories. Sometimes, however, i feel that theres so much pressure to BE that person, expectations to live and act as others have. I have a problem with that. I feel each person is going to react and live different than anyone else in the universe, and thats ok! Just because I am not positive all the time or eat macrobiotic food or start an organization, doesnt mean i am not fighting the fight. I am positive sometimes, i do eat well sometimes, I do the best i can right now. i need to know from people that thats ok.

What i get is stories of these heroes or people who did these amazing things and i just think, oh i'm not good enough, i'm not doing enough. I'm working on not thinking that way, but its a challenge some days.

I heard a story the other day of a woman who is probably in her 50's who had a full mastectomy, chemo and radiation. Apparently she was stage four. She told my mom that she had no problems with chemo and none with radiation and that she was getting on a plane two days after her last rads treatment to go to Baghdad. She is helping with the reconstruction. So i got the feeling that i was supposed to sail through and what was wrong with me, i wasnt trying hard enough or whatever. I know its silly to think that, but thats where my mind goes. Everyone is different and will react different to many situations.

My advice would be to caregivers and family members of cancer survivors, that its ok where your friend/relative is at, and to support them no matter where they are on their journey. It's hard enough fighting this fight, we don't need to feel like we arent doing enough, we arent positive enough, we arent fighting enough, .....that we arent enough.

We are enough.

Day Twenty One

I'm so glad the day has come where i'm into the 20's. I wasnt sure it would get here. Day 21.

Late today, had to take the bus. People coughing, sneezing. Cold season starts again. I'm especially sensitive to noticing sick people. I was told to watch it around the infected while i was on chemo. I still wash my hands pretty regularly. My system is vulnerable now due to the stress its under. I really dont want anything to stop me from getting the treatments. My goal is October 5th and i'm going to keep it.

The radiated area is very pink now. Rashes and burns that itch and sting. There are distinct patches of pink where the area of treatment is. Before i couldnt tell exactly where they were treating. Now theres no question.

Last night i noticed the right side of my throat was sore. The nurse had asked me the other day if i had a sore throat and at the time it wasnt so noticable. Last night it was. I'm sure they will tell me that its "normal". None of this experience is normal. Normal is relative i suppose.

I bought a beautiful red/green bell pepper and small butternut squash at the farmers market today. I had just enough money. Love it when that happens. Its squash time again. Soon you'll see soups on the menus more, and stews. All the fall foods are being harvested. I thought of something the other day. If i had chosen not to go through treatment or if i didnt find the lump, i may not be here now to enjoy the fall. I'm glad i am still here. Even if it means i face another Maine winter.

I need to research what foods i shouldn't eat if i dont want to add to the estrogen levels in my body. Yams are one of them, and its too bad cuz i love sweet potatoes. i need to do some more inquiry.

I'm at the cafe i like to go too on some wednesdays before an appointment. I was thinking about my sodium intake and wondering how much sodium is in those little creamers for coffee.

I believe cancer can age a person. I feel older. I'm one of "those people" who orders decaf, watches her sodium intake, and so on. I remember being younger and living life more impulsively. I didnt worry so much about the things i do now. Now i'm so careful. Maybe i can change that someday soon. I dont want to be one of "those people" who doesnt live life to the fullest as the cliche' goes, i want to live life at least 1/2 full.

I wanted to also say a big THANK YOU to my friend Jim for helping me put away my a/c, what a pain....couldnt have done it without you, thank you!!!

Only 12 more to go!