Monday, November 12, 2007

Day of Rememberance

There are a couple of things i wanted to write about today.

what this day means to me, and jealousy.

First off, its November 12th, 8 years ago my boyfriend Stuart died in a motorcycle accident in England. It feels like a lifetime ago sometimes. I miss him still.

Second, I decided to make today my cats birthday, Stewie, yes, in honor of Stuart. I had adopted him about a year ago. It was a couple of weeks before i found my tumor. The vet i took him to said he thought he was around 2 years old. So today he is 3 years old. I may buy him a cat toy if i make it to the drug store to get some juice and decongestant for me. Also its my friend Pauls birthday, Happy Birthday Paul!

Its also the observance of veterans day. I believe in remembering people who have died in war on all days of the year, not just one day. Its a nice reminder though, that there are people right now at this very moment, fighting for a cause they believe in. Even if i dont believe in their cause, they believe it and they are fighting for their country. On both sides, all sides of the wars being fought all over the world. In Sudan, Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Israel, Burma, so many places all over the earth.

It would be a perfect day if we all just stopped, sat in silence and did nothing, took a deep breath and just sat in silence. Just one day, all beings on the planet. Wouldnt that be amazing?

Ok, on to my second topic.....Jealousy.

Its hard to even type the word. It jumps off my fingers like sticky taffy. Not natural.

There is so many types of jealousy. Its hard to admit that I am jealous at times. There are different levels of jealousy i believe. There is the natural envy kind of innocent jealousy, like when you see someone with a house you'd love to own someday, or a family you'd like to create in the future. Then of course theres the toxic kind of jealousy. The kind that you can feel in your body. I was reminded of when i was around 18 or 19 years old. I was friends with a coworker and i really thought we were becoming good friends. Then one day it all ended over her jealousy. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend and said i flirt with everyones boyfriend. She continued to accuse me of more things i wont get into. I was absolutely floored by her accusations. I was in no way shape or form flirting with her boyfriend. I even went to a friend of mine and asked her about it, asked if thats what i do and just didnt see it. She was laughing so hard, she said that i'd be the last person she knew to do something like that. I was relieved that she validated that for me. This was a case of this girl not seeing what was really going on. I couldnt convince her otherwise and she ended our friendship over it. It clearly affected me. I never had any resolution from that experience, no closure.

I've been jealous of people, mostly of friends. Theres one friend that started hanging out with an old school mate and in turn spent less time with me. I found myself wanting to tell my friend that this new friend didnt treat her as well as i do and that she takes advantage of her, etc... I realized i was acting jealous. Luckily i didnt say any of those things, i was able to process those thoughts on my own before i vocalized them. Jealousy is a powerful dis-ease of the mind that can take over if we let it. We've seen the news where someone kills another person over jealousy, its a powerful thing, but only if we give it the power. Just like fear, which could be a cousin of jealousy.

I know i've gone on and on in this blog today. I felt the need to do so. When i'm sick and have nothing else to do but ponder things, i have thoughts to express.

Do you ever notice a jealousy in you?

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