Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Is it enough?

I'm starting to feel better, the cold is moving on out and the menstrual issues are what they are. I got to thinking about what i'm doing right now, day to day.

I added a new link from a friend of mine, her blog(starcat). She is someone who is usually working on several projects on top of being a mother who helps homeschool and works full time. I know its not healthy to compare and judge, but its hard not to and can sometimes motivate me.

Today however, i am beating myself up a bit. I've worked through some of it and am learning not to do that. I am just not as settled with where i'm at right now. I try to remove myself from the situation and think, if i was a friend saying these things, and acting all upset, what would i say to her? Would I judge her and think that shes not doing enough? would i tell her shes doing a lot right now and needs to recover? I'm not sure.

I'm a month out of treatment. I still have pain in my arm and chest area, still have a tan from the radiation, my body is starting to build up its muscles again. I know i need to be gentle with myself and take this time to rest. I have a hard time with that. I want to look at each day and see that i've accomplished something, be able to check off items from a list. Theres something satisfying when you cross off your to-do list.

My day, yesterday, consisted of knitting, watching movies, cleaning a bit, going to the supermarket with my dad, and the best of all was finishing a Sudoku puzzle. I'd never attempted Sudoku before. I was able to figure out how to play and then figure it out, it took me a couple of hours to do two of them, but once i got the idea it fell into place. I was close to giving up, its so frustrating, but i was challenged, i didn't want to give up. That felt good, i finished what i started, completed the task. Months ago there would be no possible way i'd be able to do one of those puzzles. So in a huge way for me, it was a big leap forward. My mind isnt all mush still, its waking up, and i'm able to take on challenges.

I read up on hysterectomies and it was pretty scary the risks and possible side effects.......... "especially for women under age 45", yikes! I had to stop reading at one point. Too scary. One of the possible risks/side effects is that i could have cognitive problems and early altzeimers disease, along with many many other risks. The cognitive bit said the phrase i listed above. What it comes down to is that being in my age group is much more risky than the older age group when it comes to getting any kind of disease or physical condition, theres no way around that. I will just have to do the best i can and hope for a great outcome. What else can i do?

At least i'm alive today, i have today.

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