Finales

Hi Everyone!

So, I had a PICC Line put in my upper arm two days ago and so far its not horribly annoying. For some reason the alarm that says the cord is being pinched is going off when I know in fact the cord is not being pinched. It woke me up several times during the night. This will not do. So, other than that it's not too bad to deal with. I have the same bag that goes with it and I"m still naming it Bob, now its Bob with an attitude.

This week, for those of you who watch t.v. and yes I do, gasp...I know how horrible it is for ones brain and all but living alone and for many many reasons, I do watch some t.v. I have tried to cut way back and for the most part I'm doing pretty well. For one I don't have the capability to keep my attention on any one thing for too long. So, as I was saying, for those of you who DO watch the metal glowing box, you'll know that it is Season Finale time. That dreaded time when you know that someone may be killed off the show or someone may or may not be dead and you'll have to wait till next Fall or later to find out if they did die or not. Or maybe it's one person over another that will die. You start thinking, "Well, if that person died then what will their wife do .......blah blah, but if that person dies then what will he do at his job as a helicopter pilot....blah blah blah....," you get the drift. Well, it can be a bit stressful,....then you think, "It's just a t.v. program". But the networks writers' and producers know how to suck you in and keep you guessing, with the music and sometimes really great writing. Nurse Jackie on Netflix got me laughing out loud last night which I really needed btw.

Last night there was the example of Greys Anatomy.....I won't give away a big spoiler but I will say that someone DOES DIE. OMG! I saw it coming too. Such a bummer. But at least there were no cliff hangers, that I can remember anyway....., so I don't have to wait till next Fall or later....which I can't do anyway, so thats good.

It just got me thinking about all of this silly stuff we fill our brains with. Its like candy at the movies. We didn't need to get the large box of chocolates but you do. I didn't need to watch two stressful season finales, but I did. I wanted to escape from my drama and go to someone elses' made up drama, just for one night, or maybe for most of the week, and then I'm done. Mostly. LOL Of course there are DVD's on Netflix to catch up on from now on......:)

I have recently started to listen to my podcasts more often which are fantastic. I'm making more of my greeting cards from my photography. I'm meditating more. I'm trying hard to organize my paperwork so that others won't have too much of a burden to deal with later.......I feel like when I say LATER in my head, I want someone with a microphone who can make that sound like its in a cave, say it that way......its so ominous.

What I guess I wanted to write about today was that I most likely won't be here to see what happens next Fall or know what the next line of cool fashion will be for back to school kids. There is so much to enjoy NOW. It is my mantra. I am in no way perfect or do I walk the talk all the time. I write this blog to remind myself and if I can help someone else, then great!! What a joy! We are all trying right?

It is hard for me emotionally when I am faced with the future questions from all around me. What will you do when Summer hits? What about Fall? What kind of harvest will you have from your garden? What kind of birthday party should we plan for so and so this Summer? etcetera.

So much I never realized was going to be all around me. All the questions and the silent moments when both of us (whomever is talking with me) realize that is not something I have to worry about, most likely anyway.

What I am striving to do now is to smile and nod and just try and not get sucked into the unknown future that some people or manufacturers want me to ponder. And all those expectations we put on ourselves. A dear friend reminded me yesterday about expectations. That's another post for another day.

I do love to ponder all the what if's.....but the what if's haven't happened yet.....I know some of the people who are reading this who say time doesn't exist and so forth.....I know, but humor me for a sec....lol.......in my conscious mind the what if's haven't happened yet, ...what if.....lol....there is another 911, Time will stop and all those future worries won't matter. Or another columbine or Katrina, or you name it.

I look at my future, which I DO have, even if its for one day, one hour, two months, 3 weeks, who knows right? I DO have a future. We all do.

Sometimes It's ok to get sucked into the unknown fantasies and today I"m going to try hard to stay in the today world of ME.

Does that make sense?

Blessings to you ALL!!

And could someone tell BOB with an attitude to stop beeping at me? Thanks! :)  XO

Mothers Day

Hi ya'll

Wow! I knew it had been a while since I posted but this is longer than I realized.

I've been trying to balance my life out a bit. I find I'm booking too many visits and
with hospice visiting, I'm exhausted at the end of most days. I also have had a major
increase in pain and fatigue. I'm not sure which one is more upsetting. I'm beginning to
think its the fatigue. It annoys me and gets in the way of me wanting to do things.

Hospice did tell me that the fatigue will creep in and will get more and more advanced as
things go forward. After about 2-3 hours or so in the morning, I feel like I need a nap.

That isn't supposed to happen to a 43 year old? Only to an 80 or 90 year old.

My nurse says its the cancer eating away at all the energy I have. The cancer thrives off of my energy she says.

I wish it was only during the night time. I am adjusting things so I can write more often on my blog. I hope this works out.

What I'm doing now is scheduling my appts closer together if they are short visits and that way I can take a nap before another major visit. Also if I have two longer visits I can sleep in between and then hopefully have more energy to write on my blog and take photos and so forth.

It feels still like a dance. It started out as the Rumba, and now it feels a little like the Waltz with a touch of Salsa thrown in.

So today is Mothers Day and I want to say a HUGE Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there. Also to all the step mothers and foster mothers. I have a wonderful step mom whom I love dearly. And finally if you are a mother to a furry friend or any animal critter, I believe we all deserve to be recognized for our giving and loving to those in need. Happy Mothers Day.

My mom and I had a lovely morning. It was of course bittersweet, being the last one. She came over and made us some breakfast. It really was a joint effort. If you saw my kitchen you'd see why. I was holding plates and handing her utensils and so forth. Much like an operation at a hospital. Pretty funny. We got some laughs out of that. Whenever we laugh together is a good good thing. I gave her one of my cards that I spent a while writing out. You can imagine how hard it was to write the last mothers day card ever. Not easy. I also gave her some calla lilies and a gift card to a sushi restaurant she and my step dad like to go to.  I think my favorite part was when she read to me. She read one of my favorite books, it may be my all time favorite, not sure......Anne of Green Gables. The writing to me is so fluid and filled with colors you don't need to try hard to imagine whats all around you. So beautiful and funny. I just closed my eyes and listened to my mothers voice read to me. She has a beautiful voice. She has been in so many plays and read poetry aloud and so many things. Gorgeous voice.

One thing I told my mom today was that the pain is really hurting badly and its hurting where my shoulder blades are, now on both sides and its like a bad bad sunburn under the skin. Pulsating pain. I told my mom that for some odd reason it feels like my angel wings are coming in and she said it at the same time, the wings are trying to come out and so I can fly away to the next dimension unknown to me right now. I like to think of this and maybe it will help with the pain at times. I'll try anything to calm the pain down.

I vow to also get back into meditating more often.

Well, thats it for now. I hope not to wait too long before I write again. When I do, I may have a PICC Line put in my arm area. I'm nervous about it going in but i'm sure it will work out ok. It's being put in on Wednesday.

Have you been listening to the Spring Birds coming in to greet us all? Its so beautiful to hear. I heard a few cardinals and this afternoon the oddest thing......a bluejay talking with a mourning dove. I'm not kidding. So sweet to listen to.

Blessings to you all!

Pic below of me and my momma!