Sunday, September 1, 2013

When does it stop?

Lately I have been going everywhere with my cane and with the warm weather my armband where I have my PICC Line is, shows. So I feel stares coming at me. Sometimes I feel warmth, of genuine caring and curiosity. I can imagine there are many different thoughts going on in peoples' minds. "I wonder what is wrong with her?, She looks so young?, Maybe she's in treatment and will get better?, Maybe she has anorexia and has a feeding tube? Maybe....".etc... etc...

When I feel vulnerable the stares feel like tiny pins coming at me. Not to where it really hurts, more of a slight sting. When the sand scratches your skin on your feet when you force your sandals on without first rubbing the sand off. That kind of pain. I just felt that the other day. I feel it today.

The last few weeks, during Radiation, I've been more vulnerable and therefore opened up to receiving more negative thoughts as well as positive ones.

I am happy to say that the Radiation days are over and the pain in my throat that I needed medicine for is now not needed, thank the goddess! That medicine was icky! lol, but I am grateful it did its job and now I can eat without pain again.

The fatigue is still around and may not leave me. That is nothing new.

I am so tired of talking and writing about how tired I am and I'm sure there are many of you if not all of you are sick and tired of reading about it as well.

I am getting to the point where I need to either take to my bed voluntarily or something maybe might happen to cause that. I'm not saying I would commit suicide, no, but I just feel like the end is nearing. I've said this many times before, I do realize.

How much pity can one take before you can't take it anymore and what does that look like in literal terms? How much can people take around the person who is dying, of forcing the smile or brave face for that loved one, before something happens? There has to be a stopping point right?

Well, I'm asking for that stopping point to be soon. I mean really soon.

My birthday is next month. October.

I used to see my birthday, and actually I still do. Over and over and over again on signs for watches or clocks. I have heard that the majority of people who die, die near their birthday. Within weeks, and not much more than a month. So, I thought last October I would die on my birthday. I'm not sure I can even make it till my birthday this year. You say, only a month? That's nothing? In some scales maybe. For me it seems like a year.

I went to a funeral service a week ago and this man died on his wedding anniversary, almost to the hour they were married. Isn't that amazing? How can one control when they die? To the hour? Is that possible? Or is it some spirit guide helping that to be? There are a lot of peoples' birthdays happening in September and October, of whom I know. I wouldn't want to die on anyones birthday that I knew of, that doesn't seem fair. It would be like robbing that day from them in some way. Like when people have their birthday on Christmas or a twins' birthday. You want to feel special to all that know you on your birthday.

I don't want pity, I don't want my brain to change as it seems to be doing right now, to where I'm a mean person or a person who wants EVERYTHING to be about them. I really don't want people to remember me as being this needy person who cared only for herself and was mean and lashed out at others or whose brain was failing her and she didn't make any sense at the end. At least, can't I have that? I know I didn't win any awards or was a mother or a teacher or someone who has a plaque on a wall somewhere that people will see every day. I don't need those things. I just want to be remembered for being a nice person who just wanted to be loved and to have given love to all people who crossed her path. If I could be remembered for that and for just being a good person, then thats fantastic!

Not pity, not for my brain not working well, not for all the negatives.All the stories like "Oh, I remember when Stuart died, how sad she was and ....Oh I remember when this happened and her family was so angry.."..or this story or that one of the negatives....why do we focus on the negatives?

I'm in pain now.....so i'm going to stop writing.

Look..... another negative.

Hopefully next post will be positive.

Love you all

Namaste