Sunday, September 1, 2013

When does it stop?

Lately I have been going everywhere with my cane and with the warm weather my armband where I have my PICC Line is, shows. So I feel stares coming at me. Sometimes I feel warmth, of genuine caring and curiosity. I can imagine there are many different thoughts going on in peoples' minds. "I wonder what is wrong with her?, She looks so young?, Maybe she's in treatment and will get better?, Maybe she has anorexia and has a feeding tube? Maybe....".etc... etc...

When I feel vulnerable the stares feel like tiny pins coming at me. Not to where it really hurts, more of a slight sting. When the sand scratches your skin on your feet when you force your sandals on without first rubbing the sand off. That kind of pain. I just felt that the other day. I feel it today.

The last few weeks, during Radiation, I've been more vulnerable and therefore opened up to receiving more negative thoughts as well as positive ones.

I am happy to say that the Radiation days are over and the pain in my throat that I needed medicine for is now not needed, thank the goddess! That medicine was icky! lol, but I am grateful it did its job and now I can eat without pain again.

The fatigue is still around and may not leave me. That is nothing new.

I am so tired of talking and writing about how tired I am and I'm sure there are many of you if not all of you are sick and tired of reading about it as well.

I am getting to the point where I need to either take to my bed voluntarily or something maybe might happen to cause that. I'm not saying I would commit suicide, no, but I just feel like the end is nearing. I've said this many times before, I do realize.

How much pity can one take before you can't take it anymore and what does that look like in literal terms? How much can people take around the person who is dying, of forcing the smile or brave face for that loved one, before something happens? There has to be a stopping point right?

Well, I'm asking for that stopping point to be soon. I mean really soon.

My birthday is next month. October.

I used to see my birthday, and actually I still do. Over and over and over again on signs for watches or clocks. I have heard that the majority of people who die, die near their birthday. Within weeks, and not much more than a month. So, I thought last October I would die on my birthday. I'm not sure I can even make it till my birthday this year. You say, only a month? That's nothing? In some scales maybe. For me it seems like a year.

I went to a funeral service a week ago and this man died on his wedding anniversary, almost to the hour they were married. Isn't that amazing? How can one control when they die? To the hour? Is that possible? Or is it some spirit guide helping that to be? There are a lot of peoples' birthdays happening in September and October, of whom I know. I wouldn't want to die on anyones birthday that I knew of, that doesn't seem fair. It would be like robbing that day from them in some way. Like when people have their birthday on Christmas or a twins' birthday. You want to feel special to all that know you on your birthday.

I don't want pity, I don't want my brain to change as it seems to be doing right now, to where I'm a mean person or a person who wants EVERYTHING to be about them. I really don't want people to remember me as being this needy person who cared only for herself and was mean and lashed out at others or whose brain was failing her and she didn't make any sense at the end. At least, can't I have that? I know I didn't win any awards or was a mother or a teacher or someone who has a plaque on a wall somewhere that people will see every day. I don't need those things. I just want to be remembered for being a nice person who just wanted to be loved and to have given love to all people who crossed her path. If I could be remembered for that and for just being a good person, then thats fantastic!

Not pity, not for my brain not working well, not for all the negatives.All the stories like "Oh, I remember when Stuart died, how sad she was and ....Oh I remember when this happened and her family was so angry.."..or this story or that one of the negatives....why do we focus on the negatives?

I'm in pain now.....so i'm going to stop writing.

Look..... another negative.

Hopefully next post will be positive.

Love you all

Namaste

13 comments:

Me From Maine said...

Hi Jenn,

I was going to send you an email so I could tell you my thoughts more personally, but I decided that I wanted to put them here on this space where you can see them whenever you flip back to this post.

My very first thoughts to express are that my feelings for you are not of pity - and never have been. They are of support and love...of kinship and that soul connection.

I think that (of course in my very un-expert opinion! lol) dying is a process that is very much like birth in a way. It is a doorway, and we are not always in control of how we enter the birth/death doorway.

When you see the doorway coming your way, gosh I imagine that there is a mixture of relief and hesitation. Am I "done" yet? What is this journey along this final stretch about?

I imagine that we reach a bridge...that final bridge...and after that bridge there are still a handful of large stones to walk across before we can reach the big, beautiful (if not scary and daunting) doorway. I imagine that, if we're able to slow down our journey enough to actually experience the bridge and stone path (unlike during things like car accidents and other 'events', where we simply go too quickly to really see the blurred bridge zoom by), we have that chance to take off our shoes and feel the stones beneath our feet. We can smell the breezes blow by as our toes wrap around each brick and push off to the next.

Do the other travelers on a nearby bridge even know they may be on a similar, final bridge? Do they look over at you and wonder about what your purpose on this bridge is? Very likely, they are only focused on their own path, and possibly looking at you with the curiosity of mortality that has us all wondering how everyone else is enjoying their walk (or are they even noticing their walk at all?).

Your door may be coming closer to you, and now the stones beneath your feet are getting rougher. There are sharp edges that are cutting your feet and to climb over them makes you lose your breath.

I then imagine that, after some sharp stones, there is a final landing pad...a smoother stone just before the door. Many times, people reach this landing to discover their friends and family have been helping to support them over those rougher rocks.

This image I have reminds me that sometimes the journey gets really tough, and we can only be fortunate enough to have people who care around to offer the gift of their support. It is not being needy to accept the support, or even to ask for it.

Everyone gives what they can according to their gifts, abilities, and time and energy. Know that the love you are being enfolded by is given by your friends and family out of love. Anyone else glancing over at your journey should not matter in the least....for in reality, they likely see their reflection in you.

These people see what could be their journey in you, Jenn. We all suffer in some ways. We all have health scares at times. We all eventually journey down that final bridge, whether willingly or not, whether quickly or slowly. We look at other people on their own journeys at a mirror of what we all must do at one point or another.

There is still a purpose to you being here. No one can say what your soul has chosen, but clearly it has chosen to walk slowly enough to feel each stone beneath your feet along the way.

We are all still here, Jenn. It's OK to feel winded and tired from the climb over these rougher rocks. Rest when you need to, and know that love continues to flow your way.

xo Val - keepin' it real, as you have always requested

Ben Roy said...

I read regularly and I do not pity you. I find pure honesty and real vulnerability in your posts, and that takes a lot of courage and strength. Most people, even when facing the end, never learn to share themselves like this. Your posts constantly remind me to take pause and appreciate, and that's why I visit. While we do not know each other well, I will remember you as you wish to be.

“...and that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength.” -Audre Lord


Be well,

Ben Roy


Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn,
One cannot have the positive without the negative....I love your blog thanks for taking the time to write it.

Anonymous said...

Liz NYC. ........I forgot to sign the above posr

Me From Maine said...

Jen,

I have just heard about your move to the hospice. I don't even know if you have access to the internet, but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I am sending every ounce of love your way today. Words escape me, mainly because my thoughts are more intangible feelings than anything that makes sense in the human tongue.

Warmly, lovingly and supportingly....Val xoxo

Jenae Frick said...

Hi Jenn, I would like to email you, I am with a company called Theradome and we would like to see if we can work with your blog. If you're interested in learning more, please send me your email address at jenae@theradome.com. Thanks!

Me From Maine said...

Jenae, I am not sure if this blog is going to be updated any further or not. Jenn is now in hospice care. I know her family and closer inner circle are with her nearly constantly, but we get daily updates on her through a private site. I am happy to update this particular post here in the comments section whenever it makes sense to do so. Please say a prayer for our dear Jenn and her family and loved ones.

~ Val

blisspapi said...

Lorenzo from NYC
looking for posts on Jenn's blog daily
sending LOVE LOVE LOVE
PRAYERS LIGHT & PEACE
ALL-WAYS for Radiant JENN
& her entire FAMILY...

S. R. Roy said...

The pain has stopped. May you rest well, sweet Jenn.

Love you!

Your stepmom.

Me From Maine said...

Rest well, dear Jenn. I am heartened by the fact you were able to leave peacefully and surrounded by loved ones. You will be missed. ~ Val xoxo

Me From Maine said...

Rest well, dear Jenn. I am heartened by the fact you were able to leave peacefully and surrounded by loved ones. You will be missed. ~ Val xoxo

Anonymous said...

You were a beautiful soul, Jenn. Thank you for sharing your journey. I will celebrate your life by being nicer, appreciating the colors of the wheels on the cupcake cart, being real REAL, be aware of the beauty and magic in any place any time, for it's always there. Thank you Jenn.

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