Tuesday, August 27, 2013

After Effects

Hi Ya'll

Well I'm still here, so that's something.

I went to a funeral service the other day. I wasn't able to sit thru the whole service
unfortunately. My back was extremely bad. Sitting on those wooden church benches
and it was hot in the space. Its a nice church and the service was packed with people.

The man who the service was for was loved by so many people. I only knew him for a
short time. I only saw him twice but he made an impact on me. He was one of those
people whom you connect with immediately. The second time we saw one another was last
year when I had been re-diagnosed and he was in his second year with pancreatic cancer.
He made it two years. That is unheard of with that particular cancer. His spirit was something
else. His whole face lit up when he smiled. It's like every part of him smiled. It was genuine
and not a put on face. When I spoke, he really listened. I felt I had his full attention. That is
rare these days I find. People who completely listen to you and not be thinking of what they
want to say next or being distracted by something else.

I wish I could have stayed longer to let his wife and my friend, his step daughter,  know how much I
am sorry for their loss. I wish I could have seen him play his violin.

Things came up for me while I sat there at the church, such as what MY celebration of life party will look like. Not in a church.

I don't belong to any specific religion.

I have told two special people in my life, the things I'd like to add to the party and they will make
sure part of me will be seen and heard there.

Lately the physical stuff is that my pain in my back is increasing. The left side is now hurting. The right side was gone and now seems to be back a bit. Oh well. This is the name of this game. The pain increases and I just deal with it.

I have to get a Rx, second one so far, for a radiation type burn on my throat, esophageal radiation ...something or other, basically my throat is hurting when I swallow, water or eat anything. I thought at first it was heart burn but its not. I'm hoping this second Rx works. The one I tried yesterday just makes me feel drunk and works for a short time on part of my throat, not all of it.

I'm feeling really dopey right now writing this post. I really wanted to write something. It's been a while.

So, the positive things...... I had the most incredible Kirtan experience of my life! My dear friend Susannah and her husband Francesco brought their instruments to this grassy area looking down at the ocean and beach area. Lovely birch trees were all around us. There was only one couple laying down not too far from us, with their Shepard mix dog.  As we left they said that it was beautiful and thank you.

We sang and played music. I tried my best to sing even if it was way off key, it doesn't matter. There is no judgment with those two and that's not what its all about. It is to sing and rejoice life. There was a beautiful breeze and gorgeous clouds in the sky with perfect temperatures. We really could not have asked for a better day.

We sang in rhythm, together and call and response and in rounds. So wonderful. I almost started crying. I imagined that that may be the last time I do that. I wanted to remember every second of that time, to put it in my pocket to pull out whenever I wanted to so I can remember it again and smile.

I also had great food (some of it) from a place called Sillys Restaurant. It is so good. My friend came down to stay the night. We also watched a movie I love. That was all on Saturday.

Yesterday was about setting up electronics. Yuck. But it had to be done. Thanks to my stepdad and Larry!! The morning I got to go with my friend to East End Beach for a little while. Such a beautiful way to start my day.

Today I also went with a good friend to East End Beach after we had gone to the Holy Donut. So so good. ! I was able to eat most of what we ordered. Not just donuts there.

So, I'm in pain but I know there are people out there in worse pain than I am. I am just trying to appreciate the times when I CAN go out and put my feet in the ocean and go somewhere in a car. There may be a day when I can't do that anymore.

I do wish so much that I could just dunk into the water, my whole body. I can't because of my medicine pump and my IV.

So, I try not to think about it. Some days are tougher than others.

O.K. .....that is about it. You have been mostly caught up on my affairs of late.

I hope you all have moments of joy that you will remember forever.

Put it in a pocket and never let it go



S. R. Roy said...

Thank you for the update, Jenn. The birches reflect the joy of your message. I hope your pockets are bottomless so that you can keep collecting all the wonderful moments as they present themselves.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for such a beautiful post Jenn! I love you!


Me From Maine said...

I really enjoyed this post, Jenn. I love a good kirtan, and how awesome you could have a personal one in a great location! Music is so healing to both body and soul. Since I have such trouble finding time when I don't have to be with the kids, I have started listening to kirtans online - love them so much. Sending love to you today ~ Val xo

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn,

Great post, thanks for finding the time and stregth to do it. Sending you good and positive thoughts.


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