Wednesday, January 16, 2013

One More Time

My horoscope today said something along the lines of emotions being high and to watch out.....

Yep....emotions have been high, low and all over the place the last few days.

The pain has dramatically increased. With the pain comes nausea and exhaustion. The emotional
part is also very big. If I am in lots of pain I tend to either hibernate and talk to no one, or if I have to get out and about, I can be a real pain to deal with. I am crabby and needy and impatient. Then overly apologetic.

So, I can't write too much now, the meds I'm on are making me so tired so its hard to focus.

The pain was extremely bad and now the Hospice team are working on getting things leveled out again. So that means new stronger meds and side effects. JOY! ....not!

I've been feeling like I'm really running out of time and so the fear kicks in and I go into panic mode. I want to see my nieces and nephews and all my family NOW! I fear that soon I won't be able to leave my house. This week proved to me that it looks like its happening soon, at least part of the indoor idea.

Emotional morning talking with my wonderful hospice nurse who listened to my crying and babbling about how getting a hospital bed is emotionally HUGE! It's the next step to death for me. Does this mean I'll be bed bound soon? Does this mean I'll be stuck in my apartment 24/ 7 now?

She reassured me that having the bed does not mean all of those things but that my cancer is progressing. I'm having the twin sized hospital bed delivered on Friday. My friends Matt and Brent are coming over to take my bed and box spring away to recycle. My current futon/couch that I've been sleeping on in the living room is going to go into the back bedroom for a bed for guests. Hospital bed will be in the living room. I want to get some bean bag chairs/seats and maybe a nice small recliner for me to sit in when I dont' want to be in the bed. I hope I can find a purple bean bag chair/seat. :)

It will be an emotional day I am sure.

Part of me says...ok, i'm ready to go now, die, ......The other (bigger) part says HOLD ON! NOT READY YET!

There is still things to take care of. I haven't even figured out what poem I want read at my Celebration of Life Party, and what about making sure all the phone numbers of who to call is printed up? I want to sit in my sisters' outside hot tub for one time. I want to see the lights up at Deering Oaks Park one more time before they take the lights down for the season. I want to go to the ocean and put my feet in the water one more time. One more time..................

Then there is the lack of communication on my part. I have been irritable and cranky, due to lots of pain. Also feeling needy and wanting my best friend here with me. Everyone has a life and is busy. So maybe I should just accept that and go on with my day. Well, its hard to do that. If there is one time to feel selfish and be justified in doing so, isn't this the time? Is it really selfish of me to want to see my close friends and family more often? Soon I'll be NO MORE. At least not in this body. So there are no more chances to make fun memories, no more chances to have a slumber party and watch funny movies and laugh our butts off. No more chances to go on a road trip and play fun music to sing aloud to. The list goes on and on.

I am at the point where I need to just rest and rest and rest.

I'm not communicating well apparently and I may have offended people, hurt their feelings, put pressure on someone, I don't know. People are not communicating with me about it. I have to trust that people will come to me if they are upset with something I've done to hurt their feelings. I just don't have the energy in me to do any kind of guess work or play games.

I just don't.

I'm scared.
Really scared.....

I am also really grateful for so many wonderful people in my life. Grateful for so many things. The beautiful snow that fell from the sky today. The mourning doves (pictured below) that come to my window every day to eat some seed I leave for them. They sat there most of the day, with the snow coming down around them. They are all puffed up to keep warm and dry.

I'm grateful for the amazing Hospice crew that I get the pleasure of interacting with.

So many things to be grateful for.

I'm also pissed off! I hate cancer. I hate violence and war. I hate lying. I hate abuse of children and people and animals.

I am human.

I have lots of emotions. I'm not going to be ON all the time. I have my ups and downs like everyone else does. If you don't have downs and only UP's? I would seriously think something is wrong with you. That's not being human. I don't believe so anyway.

Will I be remembered when I die? Really remembered? For what exactly? For having cancer? For being a photographer? For .....? not sure....does it matter?  don't know.....

Today is today and I suppose that's all that matters right now.

I am HERE today