Wednesday, January 16, 2013

One More Time

My horoscope today said something along the lines of emotions being high and to watch out.....

Yep....emotions have been high, low and all over the place the last few days.

The pain has dramatically increased. With the pain comes nausea and exhaustion. The emotional
part is also very big. If I am in lots of pain I tend to either hibernate and talk to no one, or if I have to get out and about, I can be a real pain to deal with. I am crabby and needy and impatient. Then overly apologetic.

So, I can't write too much now, the meds I'm on are making me so tired so its hard to focus.

The pain was extremely bad and now the Hospice team are working on getting things leveled out again. So that means new stronger meds and side effects. JOY! ....not!

I've been feeling like I'm really running out of time and so the fear kicks in and I go into panic mode. I want to see my nieces and nephews and all my family NOW! I fear that soon I won't be able to leave my house. This week proved to me that it looks like its happening soon, at least part of the indoor idea.

Emotional morning talking with my wonderful hospice nurse who listened to my crying and babbling about how getting a hospital bed is emotionally HUGE! It's the next step to death for me. Does this mean I'll be bed bound soon? Does this mean I'll be stuck in my apartment 24/ 7 now?

She reassured me that having the bed does not mean all of those things but that my cancer is progressing. I'm having the twin sized hospital bed delivered on Friday. My friends Matt and Brent are coming over to take my bed and box spring away to recycle. My current futon/couch that I've been sleeping on in the living room is going to go into the back bedroom for a bed for guests. Hospital bed will be in the living room. I want to get some bean bag chairs/seats and maybe a nice small recliner for me to sit in when I dont' want to be in the bed. I hope I can find a purple bean bag chair/seat. :)

It will be an emotional day I am sure.

Part of me says...ok, i'm ready to go now, die, ......The other (bigger) part says HOLD ON! NOT READY YET!

There is still things to take care of. I haven't even figured out what poem I want read at my Celebration of Life Party, and what about making sure all the phone numbers of who to call is printed up? I want to sit in my sisters' outside hot tub for one time. I want to see the lights up at Deering Oaks Park one more time before they take the lights down for the season. I want to go to the ocean and put my feet in the water one more time. One more time..................

Then there is the lack of communication on my part. I have been irritable and cranky, due to lots of pain. Also feeling needy and wanting my best friend here with me. Everyone has a life and is busy. So maybe I should just accept that and go on with my day. Well, its hard to do that. If there is one time to feel selfish and be justified in doing so, isn't this the time? Is it really selfish of me to want to see my close friends and family more often? Soon I'll be NO MORE. At least not in this body. So there are no more chances to make fun memories, no more chances to have a slumber party and watch funny movies and laugh our butts off. No more chances to go on a road trip and play fun music to sing aloud to. The list goes on and on.

I am at the point where I need to just rest and rest and rest.

I'm not communicating well apparently and I may have offended people, hurt their feelings, put pressure on someone, I don't know. People are not communicating with me about it. I have to trust that people will come to me if they are upset with something I've done to hurt their feelings. I just don't have the energy in me to do any kind of guess work or play games.

I just don't.

I'm scared.
Really scared.....

I am also really grateful for so many wonderful people in my life. Grateful for so many things. The beautiful snow that fell from the sky today. The mourning doves (pictured below) that come to my window every day to eat some seed I leave for them. They sat there most of the day, with the snow coming down around them. They are all puffed up to keep warm and dry.

I'm grateful for the amazing Hospice crew that I get the pleasure of interacting with.

So many things to be grateful for.

I'm also pissed off! I hate cancer. I hate violence and war. I hate lying. I hate abuse of children and people and animals.

I am human.

I have lots of emotions. I'm not going to be ON all the time. I have my ups and downs like everyone else does. If you don't have downs and only UP's? I would seriously think something is wrong with you. That's not being human. I don't believe so anyway.

Will I be remembered when I die? Really remembered? For what exactly? For having cancer? For being a photographer? For .....? not sure....does it matter?  don't know.....

Today is today and I suppose that's all that matters right now.

I am HERE today


Anonymous said...

Beautiful woman, honest soul

you have touched my life and so many more

Artistic, enthusiastic, graceful and brave

You need not justify your emotions or qualify you moods

I love you as you are, just as you are

Me From Maine said...

I agree completely with "Anonymous". You are perfectly entitled to be upset any time you need to be. I cannot imagine a single person who wouldn't appreciate that, even the fluffy bunnies of the world.

Jenn, I am sorry that the pain is increasing, and also that it is a marker for another turn in the road. What a gift to be able to know, at least to some degree, what the road ahead looks like for you. I guess we all often ask ourselves (if only subconsciously, "Do I want to know when I'm going to end this particular lifetime, or do I want to be "surprised" by some event?"

For whatever reason, your soul chose to know, and to have this time to reflect on what life has meant to you and continues to mean to you. What is this crazy ride that we are all on? None of us get out of this body alive, and that knowledge scares the crap out of most of us.

I will remember you, Jenn (and I know many others will as well). I will remember you and your complex and yet wonderful soul. I will remember your beautiful smile and quick laugh.

If one wants to put the word "Cancer" on this journey of yours this past year (along with your previous experience with it), I suppose that fits but does not even come close to describing your journey.

As I heard once in a metaphysical recording somewhere online, whether you entitle your exit from this lifetime as "Cancer", "car accident" or "drowning" (or what-have-you), it is simply the method of releasing the soul from this particular vehicle.

I, for one, choose not to think of you with the title "Cancer" affixed to my memory of you. Rather, I choose to think about you in the context of how purposefully you have lived your life, particularly during bouts of "cancer".

That purposefulness has allowed you to be so very present in each moment. If that meant expressing frustration, you have learned to do so. If it meant fully immersing yourself and SUBmersing yourself into an experience (like swimming with dolphins), you embraced the experience with your full heart and soul.

Jenn, you have reminded me to be more present in my own life. I don't know if I will have any forwarning before I leave this particular body, but I hope that no matter what awaits me around the bend, that I will be able to remember to stay so very present within it.

Love you, Val

The Chooser said...

Sweet girl, make no excuses for moods or emotions. Others have no idea how your shoes would fit on their feet. You are doing the best to walk your journey as you see fit and that is all we could ever hope to accomplish ourselves. Live your days according to what you need and what you want. Eat, pray to, and love what ever you want and sleep, talk, and visit whenever you can. Let everything else go and be at peace in your soul. Always, Amy

Jani Darak-Druck said...

Hi Jenn,
I hope that all went well on Friday. I thought of you all day. I encourage you to go for every little and big thing you want, whether it's friends, a trip to the ocean, or just rest. If someone doesn't get this, it sadly, is their own problem. I'm glad I can be just a tiny piece of your process, and stand by if you need me or want to talk to me. If not, I'm sending blessings anyway.

Jane said...

I have been reading your blog regularly, Jenn. I feel so far away and wish I could see you. Being able to read your blog is the next best thing to being there, so thank you for sharing all your thoughts and feelings, and writing even when you are in pain and scared and the last thing you feel like doing is facing the demons on your journey.I will always remember you as my friend, and the beautiful girl my Stuart loved.x