Physical Issues and Re-evaluating

Hi ya'll!

Ok, so I don't know about you all but I'm really glad Christmas is over. My body sighed a
big sigh of relief.

Even my osteopath yesterday said my nervous system is so much calmer than the week before when
I had seen her.

I ended up being alone for Christmas Eve which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be emotionally.

I cried and cried for most of the morning and then distracted myself with organizational activities. I started with going thru some old photo albums and pulled out pics I thought some family and friends would want. In my experience after someone dies, its hard to go thru ALL of someones things. Most of the time things just get thrown out, given to charity or put into storage possibly to never be seen again. I wanted to make sure certain things are given to people who I want to have those things.

It was odd but also felt good to do. I feel I still have some control over some things. Even if they are small and seemingly inconsequential.

I remember when my boyfriend Stuart died in 1999. He was from England and when I went over there for the first time, I met with some of his family and friends. I wanted to get some pictures and especially wanted to find a letter that Stuart said he wrote to me, the only hand written (i'm assuming) letter he ever wrote me. I wanted it! His family was still heavily grieving and didn't want to go thru any of his things. I was really upset and disappointed. Now I realize that it was just too painful for them to even look at anything related to him. And now I also realize, they are just things. I do wonder what the letter said however.

So, I'm determined to get most of my personal items, including pictures, to people whom I think would appreciate them. My friend Nancy is having a hard time with me giving her things, so I've stopped doing that with her.

I understand that everyone is different in how they deal with things. I like to be open and honest and REAL. Some people cannot go there. Its too painful and upsetting. I believe that if you wait too long to tell someone something important, that it could never happen, and most likely not in the WAY you would have liked the information to be shared.

My body is now telling me that things are moving along in a downward direction and I seem to be having less time during the day where I can go out and take part in activities. I get out of breath easy and the pain is increasing. Even talking while relaxing takes so much energy I never realized.

My hospice nurse thinks I'm under-medicated but I just don't want to go into a catatonic state from being drugged up too much. I want to stay as present as much as possible for as long as possible. Today was and is still a challenge. Pain is harder to deal with and nausea is getting worse. I'm going to try a new med tomorrow to hopefully help with the nausea. So on and so forth......

The one thing that's really bugging me is the full body sweats. YUCK! It seems like every hour I have at least one. Imagine walking into a sauna fully clothed and hanging out for about 5 minutes until you are almost soaked thru. I go thru that several times a day. It doesn't make a girl feel very fresh. I have a handkerchief by my side to regularly wipe my brow and face off as sweat accumulates. Sounds inviting doesn't it? :)

Good news is that the documentary has officially started! On Christmas morning the director of the film came over to interview me and get me used to the camera. I cried and cried and talked a bit too much actually. LOL. I will meet with her and her cinematographer (who happens to be her boyfriend too) next Sunday. We'll talk about all of our visions for the film and I'll put up some guidelines and concerns and ideas as well.

I'd like to stay on topic and not venture off too much if I can help it. I feel like sometimes I've lived several lives and have LOTS of stories to share. I try to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we are doing this film. Its not a biography, not really.

So, I'm going to lie down now. Pain is increasing once again.....sigh....

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and a safe and joy-filled New Year....

Till next time my peeps!

Merry Merry

Happy Yule, Merry Christmas......Happy Chanukah and Happy Holidays to you all!

Thoughts......

Hi ya'll

I have a lot of things on my mind and thought I'd write a bit tonight.

My last post caused some anger. That was not my intention but I understand why to a point.

I'm sad.

I know now that I should prepare for more disagreement about my beliefs.

This country is supposed to be about accepting ALL people no matter their religion or race.

What happened to change all that? I feel like it's related to what is happening with my belief. Opinions. Separation of Church and State. Also, compassion for our fellow human beings. Do you really think Jesus would want us to suffer so much at our death? I don't believe it. I don't believe God or Goddess or Buddha or Allah, or ......etc...etc.....believe we need to suffer when we die. Sure some discomfort and sometimes not painful at death but to suffer for months at end with no functions? A body just slowly wasting away? No, don't believe that is true. I believe in a compassionate Universal Energy/Life Force. We don't let our pets suffer but we will let our fellow human beings/family suffer? Don't agree.

I'm sad also because my friend Dan had to go to a hotel room due to being sick. We're hoping that I didn't already catch what he has. I'm trying not to worry too much and focus on the positive.

Clarification as well......

I want to let you all know that I do NOT have a plan to end my life early. There isn't a law to allow me to where I live. The documentary would hopefully help pass the law in my state and in other states.

The idea that me, little ole me, could have an affect in that way is so humbling. Wow! I almost started crying today when I met with a couple who make wonderful films together. They were complimenting me so much it was hard to hear. Maybe I find it foreign? The focus is on ME. Thats intense.

So, lately I'm filled with sadness, grief over things I'm unable to do lately, anger, gratitude, love, joy, ....quite a mix.

I think the holidays are just hard all around, so maybe thats why the roller coaster of emotions is in motion.

I will be glad to have the holidays behind me, mostly. Quiet visiting time, inward time, Kapha time, ....when everything is going into hibernation or dying. Thats my speed right now. Slow.

I would love to read some comments to know who is reading this. Hint, hint, hint.....

Peace and Love

:)

Documentary

Hi ya'll

Busy busy busy time of year huh? WOW! I have been wanting to write sooner but too much running around has exhausted me.

I finally took a day off. My dear friend Dan is here from England and he's currently sleeping. Jet lag is rough sometimes.

I have been bubbling with excitement about a possible documentary that may be born soon!

I watched a documentary called "How to Die in Oregon" that really moved me, touched a deep place. I was also very fired up and wanting to get involved in some way if at all possible. I sent out an email to lots of peeps I know asking if they knew of any local Doc Film makers who I could speak with.....

So, right away I got two names. I have met with one woman and her boyfriend who does some of the cinematography and they are wonderful! I will also meet with another woman film maker and her husband who is also a cinematographer on Thursday. I will have to make a tough decision this coming weekend. I'm sure sitting with the choice and meditating on it, will bring me to the right decision for me and this project.

Whats the project you ask?

Well, let me tell you. :)

The documentary I mentioned above is mainly focused on the law that was passed in Oregon in 1994 called the "Death with Dignity Act". Basically the film showed a few people who mostly decided to use the law to their favor. There is one woman whom I especially related to in some ways. She was in her 50's, with a husband and two children. She had fought for her life earlier and was in a coma for a bit, was in severe pain, did all the treatment suggested and so forth. Then later on her cancer came back. She decided, as I did, to not go thru all that chemo and other drugs again. The percentage of remission was so small and so forth.

So, what the law states if I am just learning from the film, don't quote me, is that a local company/organization/group comes to your house, does a bunch of interviews, signs papers, sees if the person even qualifies and so forth. Then after that, a doctor will write a prescription for some drugs that when mixed with water and drunk, the person will go into a sort of coma and then drift away and die. The organization also comes into the home right before the drugs are taken and the person is asked once again if this is the choice they want to make and that they don't have to etc....

The person who wants to drink the drink, does so themselves. Its not a Kevorkian method where the doctor injects the person.

There is currently no law in the state of Maine to allow this humane (in my opinion) process to occur legally. Infuriates me!

We will allow our pets and other animals get "put down" to put them out of their misery and so forth, but we can't allow humans to make the same choice for themselves? Suffering and horrible quality of life is a huge issue that needs to be out there more.

Thats where I come in.

So far it seems both film makers I will meet with, agree that there is a story here. Filming me at my young-ish age, :), going thru what I am and how already my quality of life is going down hill. I certainly would NOT take the drink now. I feel I have pretty good quality of life and am not ready to go yet.

I am grieving the activities I am not able to do anymore and thats been challenging to accept.

I can't get/buy anything out in the world without someone elses' help. I can't walk around the block without being extremely out of breath etc.... you get the idea. But still I'm not suffering too much and can still do plenty.

I want to show the "other side" of the story to people, and show them why I would want this law passed. Maybe interviews with my family and friends would show people that this affects everyone who is involved in my life, in some way.

I will stop here, I know its getting to be a novel, lol.....

I will update you all on what decision I come to and what is next. We could start filming next week!
Yikes!! Exciting and scary all at once.!

But maybe, just maybe.....my story can help others in the future....wow! ! That would make me smile from the other side with so much JOY!!

Blessings to all of you and remember to love one another

Choices Choices Choices

Last night I was able to make it to an event that only happens once a year called "Ocean of OM".

It was so wonderful!! My friend Nancy came over beforehand and did quite a few things for me and then helped me get to the event. I wasn't sure I could make it. Evenings are challenging for me now.

So, what is ocean of OM you ask? Well, I'll tell you. :P

About 30-40? people were there in a yoga studio chanting OM in rounds for an hour while a digeridoo,  gongs and singing bowls, drums and chimes were played around us. Ahhhhhhh.......the energy was beautiful and calming. My friend Nancy said she thought it sounded sad. Every person probably had their own interpretation of it. I laid down for most of it and tried to OM a bit. My voice was almost gone. Laying there felt like I was on a wave of sound, cradling me and waves would lift me up and place me back down again.

Healing

It is so hard to choose what to do each day and esp each weekend. There is SO much going on as you all probably are experiencing the same thing. There are concerts, craft fairs, parties, events.....happening all at once it seems. Choices have to be made.

Yesterday my brother Jason had a music concert he was a part of that I had to miss. So sad....

Today is a special event where the kids of families create the manger scene in a barn outside with real animals etc... My nieces and nephews (some of them) are in it. I just can't do it.

I really want to go to my favorite craft fair that is happening today. Last year I got about 5 presents there. Its local artists and craftspeople which I love to support. I saw the ad for it saying its Indie Art. Thats a good way of putting it. It really is.

I'm just not sure I should go. Its usually a mad house and loud and you feel like cattle being herded thru stalls. Not a lot of room to stop and check things out.

So, I'm not sure what to do.

Its bad enough to have cancer but then to have a cold on top of it somehow feels cruel.

sigh.....what to do what to do?

I'm going to sit and meditate on it and see what answer or feeling I get around today.

Day to day is what I have to do now. Hard to plan anything. My new life.

I hope you all can find beautiful moments within all the noise of this season.

Blessings to you all!

The LASTS

Hi ya'll!

I had meant to post much sooner than this. I hope there are still some readers out there. :)

So, whats' been happening with you all?

I had a lovely Thanksgiving with my mom, stepdad, brother and his two boys. My mom made a healthy not too overwhelming yummy meal. One thing that I love she made even though she can't eat it due to her allergies. She must love me huh? Sweet Potato Pudding. Yum!!

I got to spend a little alone time with my oldest nephew and that was so special to me. I gave him some pics of him when he was a baby in NYC. He had a smile from ear to ear looking at them. Made me so happy. His little brother is getting a lot of attention lately due to being diagnosed with Aspergers. I wanted so much to let my oldest nephew know that he is special too and that I see him. Really see him.

Its hard to think about how that was my last T-giving, my last birthday in October, now my last Christmas and New Years. I'm tired of the "lasts".

I really DO try to focus on being in the moment and not trying to make anything super special just because it may be my last whatever. I think if one forces things to happen, they really don't come out the way that you planned. Sometimes the most magical moments happen when you least expect it. I just try to stay open to receiving them and letting them happen.

Example.....
Last Sunday I was in NH visiting my dearest Nancy for the weekend, and we had brunch with a bunch of wonderful ladies I hadn't seen in quite some time. One of those ladies is a bit older than me and very "tuned-in". What do I mean by tuned in? Well, she is a person who seems to be sensitive to energies around her including spirits who have passed. She also communicates with animals. She makes extraordinary jewelry as well. We were all saying our goodbyes in the restaurant and she hugged me and started singing in my ear. "All will be well.....etc...." and when I looked at her she kept singing and I just started crying. In the restaurant. At first I was self conscious and wanted to stop it all, but then I quickly thought....no, I am going to let this happen however its meant to happen. I ended up releasing tears that needed to come out. Didn't matter that we were in public. It was a special moment I won't forget.

Ok, so now to the yucky part....whats going on with me physically?

After I got back from my weekend away, Monday morning I felt like someone had ran over me with a truck. Ok, I exaggerate a bit. But wow, it was extreme pain. I couldn't seem to get rid of it. No matter what I did. By the time I was getting ready for bed I started to feel a bit better.

I woke up Tuesday and the pain was definitely less. But....I got a cold. Damn!

I am pretty sure its just a simple cold and will be gone in no time. My fear is it will travel to my lungs and so forth....I'm going to focus on it going away. I'm taking all kinds of things (natural) to help move it along. Fingers crossed.

I was told by my hospice nurse that if I have a lot going on one day that I may need to recover for a day or two. Now I get what she was talking about. WOW-ser!

I really thought I was taking it somewhat easy in NH but apparently not. I got to play with a seven week old puppy and that was so much fun and a bit exhausting but worth it. I love being at Nancys little red cottage in the woods. She has a wood stove and on Saturday it was snowing, so we sat by the warmth and watched the snow fall. So wonderful.

Again.....I wonder if its the last time I will be there. I hope not.

So, my message today is so cliche' but so true. If you can somehow imagine that this may be the last time you get to do something that you love, then take it ALL in, drink it in fully. Appreciating the moments as they unfold before you.

Blessed Be to All!

Holidays are a comin'

Hi Everyone!

So, I titled this post as Holidays are a comin' because they are. LOL,

I can't really wrap my head around the fact that Thanksgiving is next week, wow!

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a bubble and once in a while I poke my head outside and discover what's going on out "there".

Time is so different for me now.

It seems slower and just different.

I usually get a bit depressed this time of year. The holidays have been known to be stress-filled and hectic from my child hood till about 5 years ago or so. Its the usual pressures of having to buy presents when I have little money and am not a really crafty person. So making gifts just doesn't seem to happen with me. I will vow some years to make an effort to make my presents. Candles, or food gifts or home made cards, or special oils filled with herbs....the list goes on. What about knitting? I was able to make scarves and thats about it. So, making something doesn't work for me.

So, this year is different for many obvious reasons. The stress is still there a bit but its more about the unknown aspects like.....will I make it till Christmas? I don't want to die too near to the holidays cuz that leaves my family and friends with a depressing anniversary date to deal with. Not fair.

Then on the other hand I would love to share some special times at Christmas. We're not going to give gifts to any adults in my family except maybe my dad and stepmom and then some of the children, but other than that, no gifts. I'm not sure I'll be able to do much this year in that department, since its hard to get out and about to shop,  but want to share time with my family. Visits are so important to me now.

The only material thing I wish I had now is a newer laptop so I can look at my photos. My current laptop doesn't read discs of any kind, so I can't upload my pics into it.

But other than that I don't need anything.

Just love.

My body is tired and the pain is increasing. I feel bad when I tell my family this cuz the look on their faces makes my heart sink. I don't want to upset anyone but it IS my reality and I AM a truth teller, so keeping it all to myself just won't work for me. I would love some support so in order to get that support I need to be honest with everyone. I don't want to and have not been wallowing in it all, but a reality check is ok once in a while.

I was really bummed out last night cuz I once again couldn't go to Kirtan. It seems I can't do anything in the evenings anymore. Makes me very very sad and very very frustrated. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kirtan!! sigh.....

Acceptance.....

On a positive note.....Thanksgiving will be special this year. Usually my dad and step mom go to Florida for T-giving and the rest of us do our usual thing. I have been going to my friend Nancys' sisters' house. They are so wonderful, Nancys family, they are like a second family to me. They have wonderful animals as well. I've taken many photos of their horses and sheep and chickens/rooster, and dogs.

My brother will do something low key with his girlfriend and so forth. My mom and stepdad usually just have a nice dinner out or at home. I've also had many T-givings at home and it was nice actually. I would watch the Macys parade and then the dog show and it was peaceful.

This year.....my brother, his girlfriend and his two boys can't make it for Christmas so some of them are coming on T-giving. My mom is going to make a big dinner for us. First T-giving with my mom in more years than I can remember. My mom, stepdad, brother and his two boys will be it. Nice intimate time.

Some family members have asked what I want to do for Christmas and even suggested we drive to where my brother lives, but I just can't plan on anything right now and I don't foresee me traveling 4 hours each way to see my brother and not be able to go out to dinner with everyone and just hang out at my brothers home? No, I just don't see it happening. I wish I could but my body has other plans I believe. Its hard to say no, but its reality. Keeping it REAL right?

I am truly living day to day and appreciating so much around me and especially all the visits I have. I treasure those times.

Blessed Be to you all!

Post Dolphin Adventure

Hi Ya'll

I was hesitant to post lately due to my emotional state. I thought I "shouldn't" post unless I was happy and positive and still "high" from the dolphin trip.

So, as I like to say.....to Keep It Real.....I need to be honest with you all.

I'm struggling a bit.

My body did not get healed from the dolphin trip but my soul and spirit definitely did.

Part of me was hoping that maybe, just maybe the trip would heal my body.

Not meant to be and that's really ok.

I was keeping an open mind about whatever needed to happen. It was still SO worth going.

I told the owner, Deena, and Kimberly and Meghan that even if I ended up in the hospital after the trip, that it was totally worth it. So true.

I met with my Oncologist two days ago and he listened to my lungs. My right one is still diminished but not horribly. I can definitely tell things have progressed. Due to the pain and fatigue being amped up.He seemed positive about where I am at. Saying that no action is required now, so thats something.

I"m taking more pain meds more often. I don't like to do that normally, but in this situation I really have no choice unless I want to be irritable and unable to really socialize or function well.

Part of me says to myself "doesn't matter what you eat or drink or whatever....you'll be dead soon, why not just do whatever you want to do?!"

Then the other part of me says...."yeah, but if I only eat chocolate cake and drink alcohol and whatever else I want to do, it will make me ever more ill and miserable, so if I can eat a bit better than maybe my mood will be better and my body won't react badly.....", then its the balance of not depriving myself and allowing myself to have whatever I want.....Its an interesting balance to try and achieve.

A friend asked me not too long ago, a few people actually, what my next thing on my bucket list is. I really can't think of anything now, except to meet Michael Franti. Now that would be amazing!!!! Sure I had lots and lots of bucket list items but none of them I can do now. It involves lots of travel and money.

Some people do ask what they can do since they live so far away and can't physically help....so, I'm telling people that if they want to donate financially, that would be very helpful. I have to save money for end of life expenses and possibly a cleaning company, but most importantly for me....is money to have in case I need to hire a PCA (personal care attendant/assistant) for over nights. PCA's cost anywhere from $15.00 to $25.00 per hour! Thats about $175.00 per night. wow! So, if you want to donate please send me the checks/cash, thank you so much. I am not asking for money but if people want to do something, then this is it! :)

I feel like what matters now is relationships. Visiting with people that I love and care about.

I have traveled so much in my lifetime and been thru so much that now I just want to relax and just catch up with others and remember good times. Look at photo albums and laugh, create art, listen to music, play cribbage. Thats what makes me happy now.

I wish I could add more time..... as my bucket list thing to want......or to fall in love again.....that would be wonderful.

I am grateful for all that I DO have and realize in so many many ways I am a very fortunate person.

*picture is of me kissing Squirt, you can see her baby to my left, named Tashi, only about 3 months old, see Squirts eye is closed, so sweet! Amazing experience!!

Dolphin Land Part Two

This is a picture that Bella/Maya painted for me. I really believe she was thinking about every stroke she made. The reason I'm laughing so hard is that at the end, Bella painted my hand and nose. The owner and trainers said they hadn't seen a dolphin do that with someone before. I felt like she was laughing at me or with me. So sweet! I just watched her eye as she painted each stroke. I gently spoke with her as she was painting. I just loved Bellas' energy. Joy-filled and Love-filled!

I don't believe I mentioned Bob.

There are 4 adult dolphins and one baby dolphin in their pod. One male and his harem of 3 ladies. LOL.

Did you know that dolphins are one of possibly only two mammals that have sex for pleasure. Other than humans of course, and I believe bonobo chimps/monkeys are the other one. Tina.....help me out here. Tina is the chimp/monkey expert that I know. She at least knows WAY more than I do.

So, Bob will have his fun with the ladies from time to time. There is a corner of the area that is kept pretty safe from any humans, its a special corner where I think Momma Squirt nurses her baby Tashi and also where a lot of procreating and fun happens. LOL

So, Bob can be a bit frisky at times. The trainers are there to watch the dolphins and guide us in the water as to where to go. A couple of times the dolphins were doing summersaults and being a bit aggressive with their "playing" that they were a bit dangerous to be around. 6,000 pounds or so of dolphins splashing around near you is a bit scary.

So, I had an interesting moment with Bob. The first day my brother Mark and I got to be close to the dolphins and touch them etc.... Then the next two days were supposed to be the "natural swim"only. So the first time I got in the water for the natural swim on the second day I was a bit nervous. I didn't know what to expect so I was excited too. I got my snorkel mask on and flippers. I had never used flippers before. They seemed awkward and hard to use. I found out the next day that I really should have gone down a size. So I was testing out the mask to see if it was sealed ok and so forth. I was standing up right. My brother had jumped in already and saw underwater what was about to happen. I had no idea.

All of a sudden I feel this bump on my back, then AGAIN! BUMP! A bit aggressive but it didn't hurt. I just didn't know if it meant anything. Should I swim away from him? Should I get out of the water? What was going on? So with my being so nervous the owner Deena got in the water with me to guide me around.

My brother Mark had seen the whole thing. He said Bob was also standing up and not swimming into my back, just used his head to bump his nose on my back. Deena said that she thinks Bob wanted me to get on my belly and swim with him.

Later on that night Mark and I were joking about it. Saying maybe Bob wanted to bring me to his "special corner", NO MARK!! I was yelling at him as little sisters do. LOL, then we got talking about how sensitive dolphins can be. If there is a pregnant woman in the water, dolphins will give her a wide birth, (no pun intended), and not get near her out of respect. Also, dolphins have been known to point out places on a person who has cancer. They would touch a certain place on the persons body, they would then get a scan and discover a tumor. So we got talking that maybe, just maybe, Bob was pointing out the cancer in my back. The middle area where he touched is probably the most vulnerable place the cancer is at right now. It was the first place to have the most pain in the beginning. So, what if Bob was just saying, "hey, there's something wrong here!", or maybe he was just wanting to play or swim as Deena mentioned. Maybe a little healing? Who knows? I like to keep the wonder about....I love to wonder about lots of things and lots of scenarios and possibilities. I tend to have a very open mind with most everything. I would never claim to have all the answers to anything really. Humans are just a speck in the Universe and Universes out there.

To hear the noises/talking from the dolphins underwater was something special too. When there is a new object put into the water, the dolphins will echo-sound-it. Can't remember the term for it. Sonar sound to bounce off the object to identify what it is or maybe whether or not its a threat. So every time a new object came into the water, I heard so much sound. VERY MAGICAL! Then to see the dolphins just swimming around me at will. The natural swim is where we don't touch the dolphins at all. They choose to come up to us and we still can't touch them. The dolphins come first. Their needs are first as it should be.

I mentioned to some people that with the murky ocean water, with living floating beings all around us, I got stung by some baby jellyfish, and not being able to see about a foot in front of us, all we needed was some Jaws music. It was so quiet under the water. All of a sudden a huge dolphin is quickly swimming past your head. WOW! The baby Tashi stopped a few times and just hovered there, looking at me. We were told to look at them from the side, since there eyes are on the side and they can't see in front of them directly. A bit like horses I suspect. So we would look at one another from our side eyes. So lovely and surreal.

Hopefully soon I'll post more about the art we created there and much more.....stay tuned!

Back From Dolphin Land!

So, I am back from the land of magical dolphins! Key Largo, Florida to be exact.

There is SO much to say but I'm afraid I won't be able to share it ALL with ya'll.

I want to share the highlights for sure!

It feels like I've been gone for weeks not days. It was seriously like I went into another dimension of time. Time was not a reality.

The first day my brother Mark, friend Nancy and I got to the dolphin place, Island Dolphin Care, I was disappointed because my expectations of what I thought was going to happen and what the set up was, was not to be. I was told by my brother that the dolphins were wild and so forth.....I had a good cry, but then brushed myself off and spoke with one of the lovely owners Deena about the center.

I can't really get into all the details of how the set up is and how I came around to realize that the Island Dolphin Care center is a healing sanctuary and the dolphins are REALLY HAPPY!, but i'll give you a feeling of it. I felt, saw and heard their pure joy and love. No question in my mind. They are not wild but they are also not in a pool. Its the sea and lots of sea life live with them. The dolphins come first and fore most. Humans are only allowed no more than 30-40 minutes a day with the dolphins. Most commercial places are all day and over use the dolphins. This is SOOOO different. Humans are guests in the dolphins home.

Its actually very dangerous to swim in the wild with dolphins, dangerous for the dolphins and humans. Of course there are experiences with dolphins in the wild and some magical ones, but mostly its not a good thing from what I learned. They used to let the gate open into the wild at the IDC and the dolphins would come back after a long swim on their own but humans would see them from the beaches around that area and soon there were dozens of people all charging the dolphins and over whelming them. It was dangerous and not respectful of the dolphins. Soon the animal protection people put a stop to it as they should. It was not good for all involved.

I felt the love and joy from the dolphins so strongly it was impossible to deny that they are incredibly happy.

There is one dolphin who had a baby in August. Usually in the wild the mother dolphin will keep her baby under her fin for a long long time for protection. Some baby dolphins born in this center and the center next door have done the same thing but this little dolphin is very very curious and ventures out and about. His name is Tashi. He was named by one of the Dalai Lamas monks that came to visit the dolphins. He felt the momma dolphin Squirt not knowing she was pregnant and first acknowledged she was pregnant and then said that his name will be Toshi. So cool huh? Squirt keeps a close eye on Toshi and will sometimes swim over to herd him back to her but mostly he swims around people pretty close. He seemed to have a special connection with my brother Mark. So sweet to watch.

I got to cradle a couple of dolphins under water, kiss them and have them pull or push me across the water. I felt their heart beat too, the most amazing experience. Can't describe it.

One more thing before I sign off on part one of the dolphin trip......

I connected with one particular dolphin named Bella. She is so full of joy and taught me to play and laugh so much! She painted a picture for me while my brother and I held the cardboard for her and at the end she painted my face and hand, i felt like she was laughing as she did it. The staff and owner said they hadn't seen any of the dolphins ever do that before!! Also, I kept calling Bella ...Maya. I would say "oh and Maya,..I mean Bella..." over and over and over. I was getting mad at myself for doing it. I do have a problem remembering names but this was over the top. Everyone just laughed every time I did it. Near the end of the second day I think it was.....we were all talking about how Bella is pregnant and that maybe I was connecting with her baby and maybe if its a girl her name should be Maya!! That just made me soooo happy! I had forgot in the beginning that Bella was pregnant. So the last day when I got a special treat and got to cradle her again I gave her and her baby lots of reiki  with love and joy and healing. I also sent that out to all of the dolphins there. There are 4 adults and one baby. Also there is Wono the sea lion. Nancy especially loved him.

Part two coming up soon, stay tuned! :)

PMS ?

No, I'm not able to be experiencing PMS, but thats what it feels like to me lately.

My hormones must be having a party in my head and body right now.

I'm very much all over the place emotionally.

One minute I'm SO excited about my trip to Florida in TWO DAYS!!!! yay!!!

Then the next minute I'm worried about traveling and all the details, packing ....

I'm getting my oxygen tank on wheels to bring with me on the plane today. I'm also getting all the meds I take so i'll be all set for the week.

It all just hits me hard at times. I"m now a person who needs to wear a mask on a plane or in a place with lots of people. I need to have oxygen at the ready. I can't take my long walks I used to take. Climbing my two flights of stairs makes me feel like I've run a marathon at times.

I could go on but thats just too much of a pity party for anyone to deal with....

So you get the idea right?

Acceptance of my situation and feeling grateful for what I CAN do is what I'm working on.

Keeping it real ya know. Thats how I am. I have to share the good with the ugly messy as well.

There is an article I posted on my facebook account about metastatic breast cancer and the people who live with it every day. Like me. The loneliness and feeling like you have one foot in life and one foot in death. How do I decide what to plan for? Do I plan for anything in the future? Why? Not knowing what's going to happen next. I feel a bit like I have a time bomb in me.

Very strange place to live in, this journey I'm on. Very strange indeed.

Birthday Blues

Hi Ya'll

So yesterday was my 43rd birthday.

I awoke with a sore throat and not feeling so swell.

I then got very sad, anxious and irritable about that. I worry that the cold will lead to something more serious and then I'll take a turn for the worse. Or that my trip to Florida next week can't happen because of me being sick etc.....It WILL happen! I WILL be swimming with the dolphins next week!! Yes!

So, then I had family come over to visit and I was not in the best mood. I was weepy and bossy and just  not a happy camper. I tend to get impatient and irritable when what I really need to do is cry. Do you ever find that happens to you? I get angry to get to the tears.

I cried with my mom a bit while everyone else was in the kitchen about how this is probably my last birthday.

I did have a wonderful polarity therapy session that helped tremendously. Marsha is such a gift!! I'm so lucky to be able to get sessions with her!! Thank you Marsha!! My friends Nancy and Kristy brought me there and back and then we watched Creature Comforts (America) a bit when we got back, so funny! So my day ended well.

Birthdays are so "loaded" aren't they? They are for me anyway. By loaded I mean so much emotion and baggage around my birthday. I met my boyfriend Stuart who died, on my birthday many years ago. I have had many disappointing birthdays and birthdays that just didn't go as I had planned. So much pressure to make things just right. I tried one year to ignore the whole day but that didn't work so well either.

I received some lovely flowers from my family that came over and my aunt and uncle had some delivered. I also bought myself some small yellow roses (spray roses) today.

I had a yard sale at my moms on Saturday which went VERY well! My good friend Nancy and other friends of mine came over to help and run it when I wasn't able. My mom, stepdad and some of their friends came to help too. I had friends come and help break down and cart away as well. I was fully covered. Not to forget all the donations that were given to the sale too.

I"m a lucky girl to have so many people helping out!!

My brother, his girlfriend Laura and one of his sons Finn came for two days as well. Very sweet!

Today I had a lovely visit with my step brother and his wife. The rest of the day I will be meditating and taking it easy. I want to kick this thing that may or may not be a cold. I'm drinking ginger tea all day.

I'm just very happy I got thru my birthday and no one got hurt! LOL (at least i'm hoping not too bad anyway)

I can check that off my list, Get Thru Birthday....check!

New Focus

Hello Peeps!

Things are moving along with not too many changes in my physical being. Yes, the pain has gotten a bit worse and yes, my breathing isn't so great but its all still very much tolerable.

I have a new focus that is getting me thru the days lately.

Swimming with the dolphins!!! yay!!

My dear brother Mark has been researching and planning out a trip for a few of us to go to Florida real soon.

I mentioned the website for donations you can go to right? www.jenngerow.com

You can also look at pictures and sign the guestbook. I read every one of the posts. They make me cry in a good way. Thank you ALL so much! I'm overwhelmed by all the kind well wishes and prayers and memories posted. Means the world to me! I am so lucky to have such a wide reaching support. People I have never met are posting and donating and I'm just floored, wow!!

One of my lessons is receiving. Boy am I receiving lately! :)

I think I grew up with the lesson that I have to pay back people for what they give me some how, either financially or in some way. If I can't then I shouldn't receive the gift. I now realize that its an ebb and flow kind of energy that happens. When you give you must then also receive. Like the tide coming into the shore. If you only give out and not receive then the flow doesn't happen. Big lesson for me.

This Saturday I'm hopefully going to have a big yard sale to donate to the dolphin fund and then fingers crossed I'll be leaving for Florida on the 16th of October!!

I'm praying that I'll be as strong as I am now if not stronger to be able to fully enjoy being with one of Earths most magical and intelligent beings.

A dear dear friend was so kind to offer up her home in the Bahamas the other day. The island that she lives half the year on has a dolphin program. I immediately said "YES, of course! "

Then reality sunk in and as I was processing details with my aunt and uncle last night, I realized that it would be too much for me to go to the Bahamas, and with my health, its very risky and too far away. I can get hospice care in Florida if I need to and the facility where I'd be going is fully equipped for people who have special needs like me. Its so odd to say that I have special needs. Its a challenging reality for me, but one I am trying to embrace.

I am focusing on what I CAN do and trying not to focus on what I can't do right now.

I had a lovely lunch with my good friend Gen today and that was something I DID do, i went out and had lunch and went grocery shopping and climbed up two flights of stairs.

Its the little things we take for granted right? Its so nice to appreciate what one CAN do.

Dolphins......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gratitude

Hi Ya'll

Well, I am blown away by all the support I have been receiving in all shapes and sizes!

Today, some dear friends came over and removed lots of boxes and a bureau to be sold at a yard sale, some of those boxes were HEAVY!

Then I had a sweet friend come over for a visit. A woman who has battled her own cancer and is still recovering but kickin' butt! So nice to catch up and she gave me a purple wig! I was wondering if I should re-dye my hair purple but now I don't have to, I have a wig to put on when I'm feeling sassy! :)

Then, my sweet brother Mark set up a website to help with my bucket list and to also connect with people who would like to see pictures and post their own pics and sign the guest book. Its a beautiful site! Thank you so much big brother, i love you!

If you would like to check it out, go to www.jenngerow.com

Please sign the guest book, i love seeing who stops by.

The love, prayers, and support of all kinds is so overwhelming and wonderful!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

On the physical front I had the oxygen compressor delivered and have a travel tank as well. My breathing is definitely declining a bit. My muscles aren't too happy with me now and of course the cancer pain.......yuck...

But, over all I'm doing pretty well.

I'm working on letting go of control. Thats been very very challenging for me lately. I am so used to taking care of myself and doing all that I have to do to get "things done".

My lesson is trusting and letting go.....

Have a beautiful day everyone!
Blessings

Hospice

Morning Everyone

Had a few rough days.

Hospice Social Worker came over yesterday and also my BFF Nancy came too to ask questions.

It was a very eye opening, emotionally overwhelming meeting.

I also had an amazing launch meeting of eHope. Lots of my wonderful friends and family came to support me and sign up to help in any way they are able to. I am still processing what was said and the love that I felt. Beautiful! I'll always be grateful for the love that was expressed to me that day!

Yesterday, the social worker said that I will need 24 hour care from friends/family at some point or else I'll have to go to a nursing home. I think I mentioned that in a previous post.

So, we're trying to figure out a way to let me stay at home as long as I can. Hopefully till the "end".

I want to put on the brakes now and say...."what a minute! not ready for this stage yet!"

I do think I have some more time but things need to be said and put out there, my needs and wishes. Also to prepare some things.

Nancy and I put her on my bank account so she can close it out when I die and the account won't go to probate or what have you. I am on disability so there isn't much to get at. Every little bit helps however.

I don't have life insurance or any savings so there isn't going to be a funeral. I am ok with that but I know that some family members won't be ok with this decision.

I don't want to burden anyone with funeral costs and so forth. Plus my idea for years now was to help science in any way possible with a body I won't be in after I die.

I'm looking into donating my body to medical students at UNE or Harvard has a brain study program for depression and since I've struggled with depression most of my life that may be one way to contribute.

The bonus part is that I don't have to pay for cremation or any of it. I AM however looking into having the cremation done at an eco-friendly crematorium. Did you know that cremation adds a major footprint to global warming? It does. There is one green cremation place in Maine that I'm hoping to be sent to.

So...thats just one subject we were discussing yesterday.

You can imagine how surreal it may seem to me? It was and is.

I was pretty stressed out yesterday and emotional.

I SO want my window of time!!! damnit!

ok.....breathing now

My focus today is to be in the moment and do the best I can do today. I am going to try and think positively and not stress or worry too much.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming......

Mixed Emotions

Up early this Sunday morning. My cat Stewie likes to announce when he poops in his box. LOL, do any of your animal friends do that? At 3:30AM.......I'm not amused. So I laid there in bed thinking about today and what it may entail. So, decided to blog about it.

Today there is a launch meeting to inform all my wonderful peeps who are willing to help me out with my current and upcoming needs thru a website. The website is called eHope.nu. Jeffrey Wood is the creator who has helped many families connect with one another in an easy to understand way. It takes a lot of the stress off of me to try and organize help. Exhausting! I am so lucky to have Jeffreys help and a good friend Liz as well. She will be the facilitator for the site.

So, I'm nervous and excited and hoping that the launch meeting goes well. I know it will be emotional and a bit overwhelming for me. I just hope it all works out for everyone.

I tend to rehearse my upcoming speeches and have been doing that a bit in my head this morning. I'm usually pretty good at speaking from the heart and not having a script. I'm hoping today is no exception. I panic sometimes that I'll forget to mention something.

I will trust that it will all work out just the way it is supposed to.

I am just so incredibly grateful for all the wonderful people who have signed up to help in some way that they are able to. Thank you very very much!!

I also had some fear emotions come up this morning.

I had this vision of me on this raft drifted out to sea. One day I was laying there in the sun enjoying the fish life around me. Dolphins came up to say hello. Whales flipped their tales at me. Lots of sea life to wonder at. I was so happy and appreciative of the moment. Then the next moment I'm on that same raft and its night time. Scary....then it starts to rain and I'm shivering cold. Alone in the dark, floating on the raft not knowing where I am or what's out there in the darkness.

That really describes how I can go from being positive one moment or day to feeling all alone and scared the next. I know I am not alone, not really. I have lots of people around me. I do live alone and when you have a major illness, it is my experience that you get the feeling that no one understands what you're going thru and can sometimes be scared of being near you. Its too uncomfortable for them, too emotional, too scary. So hence the feeling of being alone. In the quiet hours like this morning, when its still dark out. The quiet can be comforting or quite the opposite. No other human to talk to and discuss my bad dreams to. No one to smile at me and ask how I'm feeling.

I am lucky to have this blog and have people who take the time to read it.

Thank you for throwing your anchor out to me. Keeping in touch. Means the world.

I am trying to stay in the sun and watch all the magic around me. There are going to still be those cold dark nights. I just have faith that the sun will come back to my world soon.

Blessings to you all!

Picture is of my dear niece G. Dragonfly with raspberries on her fingers that I took. She makes me appreciate being alive. Thank you Miss G! xo

New Information

Happy Friday Ya'll!

So today is a bit better for me than yesterday as far as the pain and emotional feelings. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the pain and feel the tears wanting to come but its not as overwhelming as yesterday. Neither good or bad. Just is.

I met with my Hospice Nurse yesterday. She's very nice and comes highly recommended.

She , lets call her P, (for privacy). P went over some info with me that was very eye opening and I may have looked like a deer in headlights to her.

I was told that if/when I get to a stage that I will need 24 hour care and no family or friends are able to stay with me etc....that I'll have to go to the hospital or to Gosnell Hospice Home. Yesterday P told me that yes thats true but ONLY if I am assessed as having only 2 weeks to live will I be able to go to the Hospice Home. The hospital will only have me for 3 days give or take a day. Then P says I will have to go to a Nursing Facility. I said..."you mean a nursing home?!". Yes, P said. If I am not "actively dying".

WHAT THE FUCK!!!? No way! I can't go to a nursing home at the age of 43 (on October 8th)!!! So, I really want to make sure I stay at my home for as long as possible and then somehow make it so I don't go to a nursing home. NO!

Also, P was going over my "comfort pack", which is a box containing meds that in case a nurse can't get to me and I need something to help me out. That was also an eye opening, heart palpitating, hands shaking...kind of moment. Some items include suppositories in case I can't swallow pills, one was drops to dry up the water that could accumulate in the back of my throat....etc....I won't go into it all. I think you get the drift. WOW!

This is definitely hitting home for me. I am NOT however thinking this is going to happen tomorrow!

My plan is to do as much as I can do within reason for as long as I can do them. Hence my previous comments about being in the moment.

When my dear sista love came over the other day we were discussing this. I told her that every single appointment I have, whether it be a hair appointment, or getting groceries, or seeing people, every single appointment is highlighted and important. I don't know what kind of experience I will have during each appointment or visit.

When I got my hair cut the other day I was telling my hair stylist woman a little of what was going on and I could tell it made her think about things for her self. She has been trying to quit smoking and didn't want to follow up on her mammogram that came back not so good. She wants to just put her head in the sand......

So, what I'm trying to say is that each experience I have with every human being right now is so precious to me. I never know what will happen, what will be said, what affect that person will have on me and maybe what affect I may have on that person.

I really seem to be getting it now. That whole living in the moment thing that people have over used for decades. I am getting a big glimpse of it now. WOW.

Today I am seeing a dear friend and treating her to lunch for her birthday.

I wonder what lessons I will learn? :)

Blessings to you ALL!

Stress

Good Morning to you all!

Yesterday was a good lesson for me. One of those lessons that are sometimes hard to learn.

I pushed myself way too much and am now paying for it. The pain has increased quite a bit.

I know now that stress = more pain.

I also know that lots of lifting and awkward movements can also = pain.

And a third lesson is that being overtired can also = pain.

I'm learning as this journey continues.

Woke up very cranky and feeling sorry for myself. Living alone can sometimes be challenging when you are feeling vulnerable. I do have a wonderful Maine Coon Cat Stewie who I love and adore and am soooo grateful for. Its still not quite the same as having a human companion with you.

I am going to take it easy today and hopefully my positive self will return.

Self care is whats on board today.

I hope you all are having a wonderful start to your Thursday and its almost the weekend! yay!

Blessings

Morning Worries

Good Morning ya'll!

Just wanted to make a note to some of you that are new to my page that you can FOLLOW it and you'll get an email notification every time I post.

So, I woke up this morning with a lot of pain. My mind went to a darker place of "oh no! I'm getting worse and I'm running out of time!"...panic set in a bit.

I curled up into a ball and let those fears go thru me and then asked myself what I could do to make myself feel better.

I did some stretches and then got up to start my routine. I definitely feel better now. The pain is still there but not screaming at me. I am taking a non-narcotic pain killer that I've recently discovered I can't go off of. I tried to cut back on it thinking maybe my energy would increase because it does make me a little sleepy. Well, not good. I was in so much pain.

One thing that helps me in the morning is my Maine Coon Cat Stewie. He makes me laugh every morning. After I feed him he runs into the living room (now my bedroom) and jumps on this trunk i have there. He wants me to scratch his butt and back, just love him up. So cute and makes me laugh every time. Its become our routine. :)

I have to remind myself that I am STILL recovering from major surgery that I had a month ago. I visited my surgeon for the last time as a post-op appt. He had originally told me that my recovery was going to be 6-8 weeks. Its been just over 4. I'm still recovering.

I get this panic that I won't have that "window" of time that will allow me to do what I want to do. I want to travel to swim with the dolphins, I want to go to my friend Nancys house for a visit. I want to go on photo shoots with some friends or on my own. I would take being able to walk more than 5 minutes without being out of breath right now.

I don't own a car and have walked around town everywhere. I take buses when needed but mostly I would walk. So this change is very challenging for me. I want to be out in this beautiful weather as much as possible. Maines' weather changes so fast. Thats why us maine-ahs appreciate the good weather while its here. A-uh!

My birthday is coming up and I'd LOVE to do something special like go out dancing for 80's night or go see Cirque Du Soleil that is coming here two days after or I don't know...drive up the coast.....

So, What i'm trying to tell myself now is to remember to be in the moment. Be present. Be here NOW.

Acceptance.....

New Doo

Geneva Ingalls Nelson took this pic of me at a duck pond yesterday with my new purple hair! yes!! :)

Decision Made

Hi ya'll

OK....the decision is made!!

whew, this was the hardest decision i've ever had to make. wow!

I would start with asking if people could not vent their anger or disapproval towards me. I get that not every one is going to agree with my decision. It is MY decision and really need support and positive energy right now.

I was about 90 percent sure that I was going to do Western Medicine again, which includes chemo and two other major drugs. Along with those drugs there is always anti-nausea, anti-anxiety, steroids, immune booster shots....and so forth and so on. Last treatment I had a table full of pill bottles.

I couldn't imagine the thought of NOT doing treatment. It scared me SO much. I wouldn't even sit with it for longer than 30 seconds. I focused on which treatment I wanted to go with. I researched all the drugs recommended by my amazing oncologist. I do think he's one of the best doctors i've ever worked with. I was and am so lucky. If you have to have an oncologist, he's the man!

So, when I was researching it all,  I was in anguish. High anxiety, nausea, etc...

A week ago Saturday I was making my iced herbal tea as i had been doing for a couple weeks before, i pour hot water into my glass pitcher with a metal ladle in it. Apparently I poured too fast or put in too much? I turned my back to the pitcher to pour out the remaining liquid from the kettle into the sink and I heard a whoosh sound. Suddenly my bare feet were on fire! I pushed myself off the ground from the sink ledge. Then realized I couldn't hold myself up there anymore and had to literally walk thru a river of scalding hot water to get to my bathroom and then jumped into the tub and turned the cold water on. I was hyperventilating. I then called my friend who was about 45 mins away, on her way to me, telling her she'd have a big mess to clean up when she got here.

We almost went to the hospital. I've never had burns this badly. The backs of my heels and top of my left foot mostly, and a bit on the bottoms of my feet were burned.

I got thru the night somehow but now had to lay on my back and think.....

I truly feel like the Universe was telling me to STOP and LISTEN. The next day my friend went to the store to get me some groceries. I knew I had some time to myself.

I put on a cd that has been helping me relax. Its a wonderful crystal bowl CD. Sound therapy is amazing! I laid down and put some crystals on my chakras. Quartz and Amethyst mostly. The energy I felt was beautiful!

I then asked myself to really look at what it would be like to NOT do treatment. What would it feel like and look like. Scary.

This may sound like woo-woo stuff to some of you out there but I swear it was like someone had put a DVD into my brain. It played out a story of what it could look like.

I saw myself telling my oncologist that i wasn't doing treatment and then it was all about JOY!

I saw myself laughing and doing things I have always wanted to do, on my bucket list. One of the top things is to swim with the dolphins or have them swim around me. Always been a dream. I saw it happen. I saw ME being ME for as long as I can. It was so elating and calming and joy-filled!

When I came out of the meditation I was extremely happy and light! When my friend came back from the store I wanted to tell her so badly. I knew my step sister was coming over so I waited till she got here and told them both. I wanted to tell them first anyway. They are so important in my life.

I was bubbly and giggling and it was like I was telling them I had won the lottery or something of that nature.

I told them that I was NOT doing treatment. Not Western Medicine anyway. I went on to explain how I came about the decision and of course there were tears but mostly I got support from them both.

On Tuesday I told my Oncologist and he was so supportive. He asked what his team can now do for me. Wow!

Now, I want to make very clear. I am not delusional in thinking that this is going to be fun and games and joy all the time. Absolutely not. I know there is going to be really rough days and bad days of desperation and so forth. I am trying to focus on the positive and the hope of good days to come. I've had some pain and bad days since the decision.

The biggest point for me is that I get to stay ME as long as I can. I know in every fiber of my being that the drugs recommended from my Oncologist will make me depressed and suicidal and very very sick.

I just know this. I know how I felt last time and how I felt after this latest surgery with all the pain meds and other meds pumped into me. NOT GOOD.

Meds can really change your psyche and affect your mood.

I've had depression most of my life. Since some tragic events in my life occurred my depression has expanded to a scary level. Then cancer happened 5 years ago and my depression expanded again. It took me about 3 years after treatment and a hysterectomy to come to a good place emotionally. The last two years have really been probably the best two years of my life, at least my adult life. As far as my mental/emotional well being is concerned. It was like someone had lifted some filters off my eyes. I saw so much beauty i hadn't seen before, everywhere!

I don't want to mess with that. Its so precious to me.

I know the drugs would take it away at least temporarily if not permanently.

If the drugs were a guarantee of working I may look at things differently. There is a slight chance that I could go into remission.

I am stage four metastatic cancer.

I have been thru major treatment already. I'm not doing that again.

I know there are people out there that fight fight fight till the end. Thats not the right path for me. I AM fighting and have been fighting all my life. Now its time to stop the fight and live and be happy for as long as I am able to.

I AM fighting for myself now. I'm fighting to live the way I want to live. I am LIVING.

So, details.....

This wonderful program is going to be set up for me called eHope.nu   I met with the founder yesterday who is a wonderful man named Jeffrey Wood. He and my friend Liz came over to fill me in on what they offer. Basically its a support system on line. All my friends and family who are able to help me out can sign up and the website really works for everyone. I look forward to seeing how it works for me.

Also, hospice. I had my first meeting and enrollment yesterday from a nurse who came by. Lots of information to process. Scary and not so scary. I am still in control. I can decide how much help I want and I can cancel hospice if I feel better and don't need them. Hospice does not mean that this is it!

I will be doing some "alternative" medicines like CHAGA, a friend is making me a tincture. I will be doing some energy work, getting reiki and so forth. I really want to live as long as I can and hope to do so.

I don't have the resources to hire a macrobiotic chef or my own naturopathic doctor or things of that nature but I CAN cut back on sugar and eat much better and so on and so forth. The path that works for ME.

Thats really whats important. To take the path that works for YOU. Its not giving up or giving in by not going to Western Medicine. Its really the opposite actually. I believe it takes some major courage to listen to what your body and soul wants and go forth with that decision.

So, there you have it.

My decision.

It really does feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders and I am happy with my choice.

More updates soon! Thanks for reading!

Blessings to you all!

Update

So, I haven't written since March 2011, wow!

I really thought I was finished with this blog.

Apparently not.

Update....

Last June (2012), i was experiencing some breathing problems. I attributed that to being out of shape and continued doing Zumba and other practices. As time went on my breathing got worse and at the end of June I got a chest cold. The symptoms of the cold went away but the breathing issue did not and got much much worse. One day I couldn't walk a half a block without being out of breath. I knew this was not normal for me. I don't own a car and walk everywhere and take buses as needed.

I then walked myself to the nearest hospital.

I wish now that i had asked someone to meet me there.

I was given a nebulizer which made my blood sugar go nuts and made me feel soooo jittery. Plus it didn't help. I then had a chest x-ray and when the doctor came in to give me the results I was NOT prepared to hear what he told me.

He said my right lung was more than half way filled with fluid. No wonder I was having breathing problems. I was working on 1 1/2 lungs.

Next the doctor said he was getting the pulmonologist on call to come down and assess the situation and see if I needed to have the lung drained now or maybe i could come back later as an outpatient. I wish I had pushed for the last option.

The pulmonologist that came down seemed nervous and I, again, wish I had listened to my gut. He wanted to "tap" the lung now! I let him. damn.

It was one of the most barbaric and painful procedures i've ever been thru. I've had my share of surgeries and painful procedures my whole life. This one SUCKED!

I then went home and about a week and a half later the lung was filled up again. I saw my oncologist who then said i really needed to have it drained again and then get a CAT scan after to see whats going on. He assured me that it would be much less painful and they'd use an ultra sound machine, give me plenty of drugs etc.... Well, it was again, very painful and horrible. Luckily I had my sister with me. Apparently the lanacane drugs they used don't work on me. I felt it all. The doctor and nurses were baffled. I warned them and they didn't believe me. Lesson learned for me.

So, I told my oncologist there was no way in hell i was doing that again!

He told me there was some abnormalities from the CAT scan i had done after the second "tap".

Great! NOT!

It looked like possible bone cancer. WHAT!!!??

He was thinking that my breast cancer was back and that I needed to get a bone biopsy to make sure and also we had to deal with my right lung which was already filling up again.

I went on a waiting list of sorts to have this surgery to drain the lung and get a biopsy. Then during the surgery if its possible, seal up the lining of the lung with talcum powder. That should prevent the liquid from coming back.

I won't get into all the details of the surgery other than to say it was hell. I was admitted to the hospital as an emergency. Pain meds made me sick, PAIN PAIN PAIN!! lost 20 pounds in a week by not eating and getting sick. I was told it wasn't going to be a big deal..... then after the surgery i find out that its going to be 6-8 weeks of recovery for my lung. WHAT?!! I was pissed and depressed to say the least.

So, the biopsies that were taken from my lung and oh yeah, the PET Scan i also had before that, (bone biopsy was inconclusive and painful), showed that yes indeed my breast cancer is back. Its back on my thoracic spine which is painful now, parts of my sternum, a couple of lymph nodes, and of course my right lung lining.

If my cancer was back ONLY in the bones I may have some time to decide on treatment or try alternative, more natural remedies. The fact that the cancer is attacking my right lung lining means that its aggressive. I have very little time to decide on treatment. I feel like alternative therapies won't help right now with little time and little case studies to show me otherwise. I don't know how fast all those treatments would work.

So, while i'm in major pain from healing from this MAJOR surgery, i need to decide IF i want treatment and what kind by next week. I would have to start treatment while i'm still recovering.

Do I want to not do treatment and just do end of life care? Is my body telling me to stop stop stop? Is this another "test" to see if i can pass this hurdle and do the aggressive treatment that could kill me or give me many other health issues? My oncologist is "optomistic" that the treatment he recommends will shrink the tumors and may give me remission for years. Or....it may not, it may kill me, it may do nothing and my depression could get worse and worse. Thats a huge issue for me. I live alone.

I'm looking at quality of life.

What does that mean?

Well, i'm trying to figure that one out too.

Part of me wants to stop everything and just live as long as i have to live. But the pain is getting worse and i've discovered there isn't a lot of pain meds out there that work or don't make me sick. So, what does that mean? PAIN!!! I could look into assisted suicide options. ....sigh....

If i go with the not so aggressive treatment and it doesnt work then what? more treatment?

If i go with the most aggressive treatment, i roll the dice to see if my heart doesnt quit on me or that it doesnt give me another cancer or gives me MS or .....etc.....death.

I've seen many friends go thru treatment after treatment and surgery.....then die. In pain and misery. I DONT want that.

Time isn't what i have. If it was in my bones only i'd have more time and could do my bucket list and so forth. I don't have that "luxury" right now. The fucking C is attacking me right now! I can feel it.

Am I scared? You bet as shit i'm scared. I am all over the place.One minute i think i can fight this and the next i say i'm done!! And everything in between. I'm 42 years old, single and wanting to have more time. You can't always get what you want.

People can tell me what they think THEY'D do, but really people.....you do NOT know what you'd do unless you are in my shoes. I know this for a fact!! I thought i'd NEVER do chemo again after last time, five years ago. But when you are faced with a life or death question, it is so different. It is a place like no other place to be.

I just wish my guardian angel would come to me and tell me what I should do. Right now I really can't decide.

The hourglass is running out. The wicked witch is knocking on the door. What do i do?