Friday, November 9, 2012

Post Dolphin Adventure

Hi Ya'll

I was hesitant to post lately due to my emotional state. I thought I "shouldn't" post unless I was happy and positive and still "high" from the dolphin trip.

So, as I like to Keep It Real.....I need to be honest with you all.

I'm struggling a bit.

My body did not get healed from the dolphin trip but my soul and spirit definitely did.

Part of me was hoping that maybe, just maybe the trip would heal my body.

Not meant to be and that's really ok.

I was keeping an open mind about whatever needed to happen. It was still SO worth going.

I told the owner, Deena, and Kimberly and Meghan that even if I ended up in the hospital after the trip, that it was totally worth it. So true.

I met with my Oncologist two days ago and he listened to my lungs. My right one is still diminished but not horribly. I can definitely tell things have progressed. Due to the pain and fatigue being amped up.He seemed positive about where I am at. Saying that no action is required now, so thats something.

I"m taking more pain meds more often. I don't like to do that normally, but in this situation I really have no choice unless I want to be irritable and unable to really socialize or function well.

Part of me says to myself "doesn't matter what you eat or drink or'll be dead soon, why not just do whatever you want to do?!"

Then the other part of me says...."yeah, but if I only eat chocolate cake and drink alcohol and whatever else I want to do, it will make me ever more ill and miserable, so if I can eat a bit better than maybe my mood will be better and my body won't react badly.....", then its the balance of not depriving myself and allowing myself to have whatever I want.....Its an interesting balance to try and achieve.

A friend asked me not too long ago, a few people actually, what my next thing on my bucket list is. I really can't think of anything now, except to meet Michael Franti. Now that would be amazing!!!! Sure I had lots and lots of bucket list items but none of them I can do now. It involves lots of travel and money.

Some people do ask what they can do since they live so far away and can't physically, I'm telling people that if they want to donate financially, that would be very helpful. I have to save money for end of life expenses and possibly a cleaning company, but most importantly for money to have in case I need to hire a PCA (personal care attendant/assistant) for over nights. PCA's cost anywhere from $15.00 to $25.00 per hour! Thats about $175.00 per night. wow! So, if you want to donate please send me the checks/cash, thank you so much. I am not asking for money but if people want to do something, then this is it! :)

I feel like what matters now is relationships. Visiting with people that I love and care about.

I have traveled so much in my lifetime and been thru so much that now I just want to relax and just catch up with others and remember good times. Look at photo albums and laugh, create art, listen to music, play cribbage. Thats what makes me happy now.

I wish I could add more time..... as my bucket list thing to want......or to fall in love again.....that would be wonderful.

I am grateful for all that I DO have and realize in so many many ways I am a very fortunate person.

*picture is of me kissing Squirt, you can see her baby to my left, named Tashi, only about 3 months old, see Squirts eye is closed, so sweet! Amazing experience!!

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