Thursday, December 27, 2012

Physical Issues and Re-evaluating

Hi ya'll!

Ok, so I don't know about you all but I'm really glad Christmas is over. My body sighed a
big sigh of relief.

Even my osteopath yesterday said my nervous system is so much calmer than the week before when
I had seen her.

I ended up being alone for Christmas Eve which was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be emotionally.

I cried and cried for most of the morning and then distracted myself with organizational activities. I started with going thru some old photo albums and pulled out pics I thought some family and friends would want. In my experience after someone dies, its hard to go thru ALL of someones things. Most of the time things just get thrown out, given to charity or put into storage possibly to never be seen again. I wanted to make sure certain things are given to people who I want to have those things.

It was odd but also felt good to do. I feel I still have some control over some things. Even if they are small and seemingly inconsequential.

I remember when my boyfriend Stuart died in 1999. He was from England and when I went over there for the first time, I met with some of his family and friends. I wanted to get some pictures and especially wanted to find a letter that Stuart said he wrote to me, the only hand written (i'm assuming) letter he ever wrote me. I wanted it! His family was still heavily grieving and didn't want to go thru any of his things. I was really upset and disappointed. Now I realize that it was just too painful for them to even look at anything related to him. And now I also realize, they are just things. I do wonder what the letter said however.

So, I'm determined to get most of my personal items, including pictures, to people whom I think would appreciate them. My friend Nancy is having a hard time with me giving her things, so I've stopped doing that with her.

I understand that everyone is different in how they deal with things. I like to be open and honest and REAL. Some people cannot go there. Its too painful and upsetting. I believe that if you wait too long to tell someone something important, that it could never happen, and most likely not in the WAY you would have liked the information to be shared.

My body is now telling me that things are moving along in a downward direction and I seem to be having less time during the day where I can go out and take part in activities. I get out of breath easy and the pain is increasing. Even talking while relaxing takes so much energy I never realized.

My hospice nurse thinks I'm under-medicated but I just don't want to go into a catatonic state from being drugged up too much. I want to stay as present as much as possible for as long as possible. Today was and is still a challenge. Pain is harder to deal with and nausea is getting worse. I'm going to try a new med tomorrow to hopefully help with the nausea. So on and so forth......

The one thing that's really bugging me is the full body sweats. YUCK! It seems like every hour I have at least one. Imagine walking into a sauna fully clothed and hanging out for about 5 minutes until you are almost soaked thru. I go thru that several times a day. It doesn't make a girl feel very fresh. I have a handkerchief by my side to regularly wipe my brow and face off as sweat accumulates. Sounds inviting doesn't it? :)

Good news is that the documentary has officially started! On Christmas morning the director of the film came over to interview me and get me used to the camera. I cried and cried and talked a bit too much actually. LOL. I will meet with her and her cinematographer (who happens to be her boyfriend too) next Sunday. We'll talk about all of our visions for the film and I'll put up some guidelines and concerns and ideas as well.

I'd like to stay on topic and not venture off too much if I can help it. I feel like sometimes I've lived several lives and have LOTS of stories to share. I try to keep reminding myself that there is a reason we are doing this film. Its not a biography, not really.

So, I'm going to lie down now. Pain is increasing once again.....sigh....

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and a safe and joy-filled New Year....

Till next time my peeps!


Anonymous said...

Sending you lots of healing and cooling vibes to keep the yuckiness away Jenn. <3

Anonymous said...

Whoops, forgot to sign:

Love Larry

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen,
Happy New Year,Yule,Solstice......You are always in my thoughts,than you so much for the updates.

Peace & Light