Saturday, September 1, 2012


So, I haven't written since March 2011, wow!

I really thought I was finished with this blog.

Apparently not.


Last June (2012), i was experiencing some breathing problems. I attributed that to being out of shape and continued doing Zumba and other practices. As time went on my breathing got worse and at the end of June I got a chest cold. The symptoms of the cold went away but the breathing issue did not and got much much worse. One day I couldn't walk a half a block without being out of breath. I knew this was not normal for me. I don't own a car and walk everywhere and take buses as needed.

I then walked myself to the nearest hospital.

I wish now that i had asked someone to meet me there.

I was given a nebulizer which made my blood sugar go nuts and made me feel soooo jittery. Plus it didn't help. I then had a chest x-ray and when the doctor came in to give me the results I was NOT prepared to hear what he told me.

He said my right lung was more than half way filled with fluid. No wonder I was having breathing problems. I was working on 1 1/2 lungs.

Next the doctor said he was getting the pulmonologist on call to come down and assess the situation and see if I needed to have the lung drained now or maybe i could come back later as an outpatient. I wish I had pushed for the last option.

The pulmonologist that came down seemed nervous and I, again, wish I had listened to my gut. He wanted to "tap" the lung now! I let him. damn.

It was one of the most barbaric and painful procedures i've ever been thru. I've had my share of surgeries and painful procedures my whole life. This one SUCKED!

I then went home and about a week and a half later the lung was filled up again. I saw my oncologist who then said i really needed to have it drained again and then get a CAT scan after to see whats going on. He assured me that it would be much less painful and they'd use an ultra sound machine, give me plenty of drugs etc.... Well, it was again, very painful and horrible. Luckily I had my sister with me. Apparently the lanacane drugs they used don't work on me. I felt it all. The doctor and nurses were baffled. I warned them and they didn't believe me. Lesson learned for me.

So, I told my oncologist there was no way in hell i was doing that again!

He told me there was some abnormalities from the CAT scan i had done after the second "tap".

Great! NOT!

It looked like possible bone cancer. WHAT!!!??

He was thinking that my breast cancer was back and that I needed to get a bone biopsy to make sure and also we had to deal with my right lung which was already filling up again.

I went on a waiting list of sorts to have this surgery to drain the lung and get a biopsy. Then during the surgery if its possible, seal up the lining of the lung with talcum powder. That should prevent the liquid from coming back.

I won't get into all the details of the surgery other than to say it was hell. I was admitted to the hospital as an emergency. Pain meds made me sick, PAIN PAIN PAIN!! lost 20 pounds in a week by not eating and getting sick. I was told it wasn't going to be a big deal..... then after the surgery i find out that its going to be 6-8 weeks of recovery for my lung. WHAT?!! I was pissed and depressed to say the least.

So, the biopsies that were taken from my lung and oh yeah, the PET Scan i also had before that, (bone biopsy was inconclusive and painful), showed that yes indeed my breast cancer is back. Its back on my thoracic spine which is painful now, parts of my sternum, a couple of lymph nodes, and of course my right lung lining.

If my cancer was back ONLY in the bones I may have some time to decide on treatment or try alternative, more natural remedies. The fact that the cancer is attacking my right lung lining means that its aggressive. I have very little time to decide on treatment. I feel like alternative therapies won't help right now with little time and little case studies to show me otherwise. I don't know how fast all those treatments would work.

So, while i'm in major pain from healing from this MAJOR surgery, i need to decide IF i want treatment and what kind by next week. I would have to start treatment while i'm still recovering.

Do I want to not do treatment and just do end of life care? Is my body telling me to stop stop stop? Is this another "test" to see if i can pass this hurdle and do the aggressive treatment that could kill me or give me many other health issues? My oncologist is "optomistic" that the treatment he recommends will shrink the tumors and may give me remission for years. may not, it may kill me, it may do nothing and my depression could get worse and worse. Thats a huge issue for me. I live alone.

I'm looking at quality of life.

What does that mean?

Well, i'm trying to figure that one out too.

Part of me wants to stop everything and just live as long as i have to live. But the pain is getting worse and i've discovered there isn't a lot of pain meds out there that work or don't make me sick. So, what does that mean? PAIN!!! I could look into assisted suicide options. ....sigh....

If i go with the not so aggressive treatment and it doesnt work then what? more treatment?

If i go with the most aggressive treatment, i roll the dice to see if my heart doesnt quit on me or that it doesnt give me another cancer or gives me MS or .....etc.....death.

I've seen many friends go thru treatment after treatment and surgery.....then die. In pain and misery. I DONT want that.

Time isn't what i have. If it was in my bones only i'd have more time and could do my bucket list and so forth. I don't have that "luxury" right now. The fucking C is attacking me right now! I can feel it.

Am I scared? You bet as shit i'm scared. I am all over the place.One minute i think i can fight this and the next i say i'm done!! And everything in between. I'm 42 years old, single and wanting to have more time. You can't always get what you want.

People can tell me what they think THEY'D do, but really do NOT know what you'd do unless you are in my shoes. I know this for a fact!! I thought i'd NEVER do chemo again after last time, five years ago. But when you are faced with a life or death question, it is so different. It is a place like no other place to be.

I just wish my guardian angel would come to me and tell me what I should do. Right now I really can't decide.

The hourglass is running out. The wicked witch is knocking on the door. What do i do?


Renee said...

I just found your blog today. I've been reading cancer blogs for the past few weeks. Not a new hobby I picked up but my best friend was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and researching shit makes me feel like I'm being useful or have some sort of control over this situation. Hah. I've known sheryl for over 20 years, met her through her brother Jamie whom I had a relationship with for over 10 years. Helped him raise his son and watched him spire deeper and deeper into alcoholism before I packed up and left. That's a whole other story. He died this past month at the age of 48 after a 10 mo. Battle w/stage 4 colon cancer. His sister and I became the best of friends & she was his caregiver everyday for 10 mos. she was diagnosed w/breast cancer 3 weeks ago this Tuesday at age 41. I'm filled with lots of emotions, none of which are pleasant, hopeful, faith-driven or positive. I have nothing to say to you that could be of any use, except that I heard you, I read your words, I've read other pieces of this blog, your words and questions have impacted me deeply and I cannot begin to think, nor do I want to, of what I would do in your position. So, I'm out here, listening, reading and thinking of you...

Jenngie said...


I'm so so sorry for your loss and for the news of your dear friend. I've lost a few good friends myself and its just so messed up. No words can really describe the pain and loss.

Thank you so much for reading my blog and I will try to update as much as possible.

Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot that others out there are listening.

Renee said...

Finally ready for this next work week so goofing online.Was thinking about your blog and decided to check to see if you had updated...Part of me wants to say I hope your ok which is absolutely a really dumb thing to say since you are not in any shape or manner but the thought is there none the less.