Monday, September 10, 2012

Decision Made

Hi ya'll

OK....the decision is made!!

whew, this was the hardest decision i've ever had to make. wow!

I would start with asking if people could not vent their anger or disapproval towards me. I get that not every one is going to agree with my decision. It is MY decision and really need support and positive energy right now.

I was about 90 percent sure that I was going to do Western Medicine again, which includes chemo and two other major drugs. Along with those drugs there is always anti-nausea, anti-anxiety, steroids, immune booster shots....and so forth and so on. Last treatment I had a table full of pill bottles.

I couldn't imagine the thought of NOT doing treatment. It scared me SO much. I wouldn't even sit with it for longer than 30 seconds. I focused on which treatment I wanted to go with. I researched all the drugs recommended by my amazing oncologist. I do think he's one of the best doctors i've ever worked with. I was and am so lucky. If you have to have an oncologist, he's the man!

So, when I was researching it all,  I was in anguish. High anxiety, nausea, etc...

A week ago Saturday I was making my iced herbal tea as i had been doing for a couple weeks before, i pour hot water into my glass pitcher with a metal ladle in it. Apparently I poured too fast or put in too much? I turned my back to the pitcher to pour out the remaining liquid from the kettle into the sink and I heard a whoosh sound. Suddenly my bare feet were on fire! I pushed myself off the ground from the sink ledge. Then realized I couldn't hold myself up there anymore and had to literally walk thru a river of scalding hot water to get to my bathroom and then jumped into the tub and turned the cold water on. I was hyperventilating. I then called my friend who was about 45 mins away, on her way to me, telling her she'd have a big mess to clean up when she got here.

We almost went to the hospital. I've never had burns this badly. The backs of my heels and top of my left foot mostly, and a bit on the bottoms of my feet were burned.

I got thru the night somehow but now had to lay on my back and think.....

I truly feel like the Universe was telling me to STOP and LISTEN. The next day my friend went to the store to get me some groceries. I knew I had some time to myself.

I put on a cd that has been helping me relax. Its a wonderful crystal bowl CD. Sound therapy is amazing! I laid down and put some crystals on my chakras. Quartz and Amethyst mostly. The energy I felt was beautiful!

I then asked myself to really look at what it would be like to NOT do treatment. What would it feel like and look like. Scary.

This may sound like woo-woo stuff to some of you out there but I swear it was like someone had put a DVD into my brain. It played out a story of what it could look like.

I saw myself telling my oncologist that i wasn't doing treatment and then it was all about JOY!

I saw myself laughing and doing things I have always wanted to do, on my bucket list. One of the top things is to swim with the dolphins or have them swim around me. Always been a dream. I saw it happen. I saw ME being ME for as long as I can. It was so elating and calming and joy-filled!

When I came out of the meditation I was extremely happy and light! When my friend came back from the store I wanted to tell her so badly. I knew my step sister was coming over so I waited till she got here and told them both. I wanted to tell them first anyway. They are so important in my life.

I was bubbly and giggling and it was like I was telling them I had won the lottery or something of that nature.

I told them that I was NOT doing treatment. Not Western Medicine anyway. I went on to explain how I came about the decision and of course there were tears but mostly I got support from them both.

On Tuesday I told my Oncologist and he was so supportive. He asked what his team can now do for me. Wow!

Now, I want to make very clear. I am not delusional in thinking that this is going to be fun and games and joy all the time. Absolutely not. I know there is going to be really rough days and bad days of desperation and so forth. I am trying to focus on the positive and the hope of good days to come. I've had some pain and bad days since the decision.

The biggest point for me is that I get to stay ME as long as I can. I know in every fiber of my being that the drugs recommended from my Oncologist will make me depressed and suicidal and very very sick.

I just know this. I know how I felt last time and how I felt after this latest surgery with all the pain meds and other meds pumped into me. NOT GOOD.

Meds can really change your psyche and affect your mood.

I've had depression most of my life. Since some tragic events in my life occurred my depression has expanded to a scary level. Then cancer happened 5 years ago and my depression expanded again. It took me about 3 years after treatment and a hysterectomy to come to a good place emotionally. The last two years have really been probably the best two years of my life, at least my adult life. As far as my mental/emotional well being is concerned. It was like someone had lifted some filters off my eyes. I saw so much beauty i hadn't seen before, everywhere!

I don't want to mess with that. Its so precious to me.

I know the drugs would take it away at least temporarily if not permanently.

If the drugs were a guarantee of working I may look at things differently. There is a slight chance that I could go into remission.

I am stage four metastatic cancer.

I have been thru major treatment already. I'm not doing that again.

I know there are people out there that fight fight fight till the end. Thats not the right path for me. I AM fighting and have been fighting all my life. Now its time to stop the fight and live and be happy for as long as I am able to.

I AM fighting for myself now. I'm fighting to live the way I want to live. I am LIVING.

So, details.....

This wonderful program is going to be set up for me called   I met with the founder yesterday who is a wonderful man named Jeffrey Wood. He and my friend Liz came over to fill me in on what they offer. Basically its a support system on line. All my friends and family who are able to help me out can sign up and the website really works for everyone. I look forward to seeing how it works for me.

Also, hospice. I had my first meeting and enrollment yesterday from a nurse who came by. Lots of information to process. Scary and not so scary. I am still in control. I can decide how much help I want and I can cancel hospice if I feel better and don't need them. Hospice does not mean that this is it!

I will be doing some "alternative" medicines like CHAGA, a friend is making me a tincture. I will be doing some energy work, getting reiki and so forth. I really want to live as long as I can and hope to do so.

I don't have the resources to hire a macrobiotic chef or my own naturopathic doctor or things of that nature but I CAN cut back on sugar and eat much better and so on and so forth. The path that works for ME.

Thats really whats important. To take the path that works for YOU. Its not giving up or giving in by not going to Western Medicine. Its really the opposite actually. I believe it takes some major courage to listen to what your body and soul wants and go forth with that decision.

So, there you have it.

My decision.

It really does feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders and I am happy with my choice.

More updates soon! Thanks for reading!

Blessings to you all!


Nikki Shields said...

Beautiful post, Jenn. I totally support you in your decision. You are the only one who knows what is right for you. I love you so much!

Peter Kent said...

Great post, Jenn. We may not know the future, but we can plan for it, seeking a path, embracing life's the immense journey. Go well, stay well.

Humidx said...

Yes, you are an amazing woman and an inspiration. Dolphins are waiting for you and so many love you - that is clear to see. I feel blessed to have connected with you even if only from afar xo.


JWL said...

Thanks for sharing this. I support you in your decision, and applaud your courage to live your life as best you can.

Anonymous said...


I totally support your decision. You embrace life journey and paths with such grace. One day at a time enjoying what you want to accomplish on your buck list. Swimming with the dolphines sounds wonderful, relaxing and peaceful. If you need anything or help please let me know. I'm always here for you. L2T...I to know jeff. He's a sweet heart.

Donna V

Me From Maine said...

I'm so glad I have gone back to the beginning and started reading your blog, Jenn. I definitely support your decision. I sent you a FB message suggesting hemp oil (not hemp seed oil), and I know you know friends that could sort you out with it. I hear really good things about it, Jenn...especially in terms of pain management. In the meantime, (and of course you may not be interested in it anyway), just know I'm thinking of you and plan to read each and every single blog post here.

Love, Val