Wednesday, November 7, 2007


I'm back. I'm back from a wonderful workshop, i'm back online, i'm back to feeling pretty good, but i'm also back to my routine. Not sure thats such a good thing.

Its interesting when we get into our habits and routines. Its hard to break from it. I for instance will wake up, feed the cat usually after a quick bathroom visit, make some tea and then go online to check my email and other sites i like to go to (see my list).

So, this weekend I was out of my comfort zone, out of my routine. It was really good for me. I went to a workshop where there is no t.v., no cell phones, no computer, no cat to feed. I had only me to focus on and that can be scary. There are many ways we avoid feeling, avoid spending time with ourselves and check in. I realized how much i avoid everyday.

I woke up at the workshop, had a cup of decaf coffee to mostly warm up, then went for a walk around the beautiful area. There is an apple orchard that i snuck into, we're allowed to go in there but it was shut up, i found a way in anyway, got a couple of apples that were on the ground but in perfectly good shape. I walked past the grumpy geese who like to chase you if you come near them at all., they have a pond and little house to snuggle up in. I walked into the wooded area where there is an old Shaker cemetary. There are religious statues all around, and a wonderful pathway that had beautiful birch trees and colorful leaves everywhere, very magikal. (yes, i like to spell magikal with a k)

It felt good to just sit with where i was at and not tune out or distract by being on the computer or watching t.v. There is a place for distraction for sure. When i experienced bone pain or was not well during treatment i needed distraction. I wasnt able to read or do crossword puzzles due to my eyes being blurry and my mind being fuzzy. Distraction can be helpful if your mind is repeating negative thoughts.

There was another thought i had about attachment. At the workshop there was a saying, i hope i get it right, that goes like this..... Show Up, Do the work, of course i cant remember it all..... but the part of the 4 part statement that stuck with me was the part that says Dont be attached to the outcome. I had an issue with wanting to know whats going to happen, and to have an idea of what i want to happen, and if that doesnt happen its hard to not be disappointed. I learned that things happen and not always the way we want them to. I went to the workshop wanting to work on a particular issue and i really didnt. Its ok. I worked on what i needed to work on and it was enough. I tend to get impatient, i want to go to a therapist and get the quick fix, do all the work then and there. It doesnt work that way. Its a life long process. Life happens, and happens all the time, we never really catch up and its ok.

Theres also attachment to things. At the workshop a woman had lost an item that meant alot to her, it wasnt an expensive item, but it had emotional value to her. The whole group was looking and looking for it. I don't know if she ended up finding it or not. It got me thinking on how we hold onto things that have emotions attached to them. I used to keep things that had memories around them. When i was a teenager i would keep matchbooks or wrappers that had memories of a date with a boy. I'd keep the oddest things, like i was afraid that experience would fade away and not be real anymore. When my boyfriend Stuart died, i kept anything that he had touched close to me. I've since learned to let some of it go. Timing is everything, i believe it can be a powerful experience to let items go, its very healing, a way of moving forward, not forgetting, but moving forward.

Tomorrow i should be making my big decision about treatment. I've been studying, talking and sorting. Now its time for decision making and action. I'll let you know what i decide and try not to be attached to the outcome of my decision.

No comments: