Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Day Thirty

Wow, day thirty, didnt think i'd get here, but here i am. Reminds me of the whole Zen/Buddhist idea of being in the moment. Right here right now. I have appreciated that concept this year. I've had many moments where i felt i was completely there, not in the future or past.

Lately however, i feel i've been in the future of ....what could be, what might be. My body is feeling that stress as well. Our bodies tell us when we are out of balance. My back has been grumpy lately, to say the least. I know its due to my stress level. Stress causes cancer too, so i need to relax. Its hard not to stress out, in our society nowadays. Its all about going from here to there, fast and efficient. Make decisions now!

When I was told i had cancer, i went immediately in to see the doctor, no time to let this sink in. I was then told to decide asap, my cancer is aggressive and i shouldn't wait long. So much urgency. I feel differently now about that urgency. I feel i could have waited a bit longer and done some more research. At the same time, i trust my Oncologist. I believe he knows his stuff. He's the chief of oncology and came highly recommended by many people.

So, i walked to the hospital today. I didn't wear a hat, i brought one and noticed how cold i felt. I resisted putting my hat on. I know its such a small thing to think about. My view is that i want to be able to go hatless for as long as i can. I've had a scarf or hat on all summer. I finally get to feel free and it gets cold out. I know i could have gone hatless before, but its all about comfort levels. So, i shivered all the way to the hospital and I felt ALIVE! A good feeling.

I saw Mr A today. We talked about the stories he wrote. He explained how each story came out of some kind of reality of his own. Like one story was about stars and how that came to be was due to his son asking what stars were. Someone should do a story on Mr A. He has so many stories to tell.

I counted 43 seconds today, for the beeping/buzzing sound. The glasses guy had to draw the outline around my incision. I think he was nervous. I may be too if i had to draw on someones breast. i guess he needs to get over that. Practice practice.

I saw my osteopath today, she is very intuitive/sensitive. She could really feel the radiation and she was physically affected by it herself. So interesting. She said that it was pretty intense today. The effects of all the treatments are hitting my body now, all built up, and the higher dose this week is pretty strong as well. I felt it in my throat. The fatigue is intense too. I rested quite a bit when i got home.

I just have to ride the wave and i'm home free, soon, soon........

Happy Birthdays to LM and Hope!! Love you!

Only 3 more to go!

1 comment:

Natalie said...

Hi Jenn,
So close! Your in my thoughts as you make your way through these last few days. You're beautiful.
L, natalie