Day Twenty Nine

Overcast morning, not easy when its a monday to boot. I managed to walk to the hospital. I decided to get a decaf coffee from a cafe thats fairly new to town. I wore a hat that i recently acquired from the hospital. A bunch of women make and donate hats for cancer patients. I've seen them at the other hospital and at the community center as well. I ended up bringing back some hats that i had never worn or decided they didnt look so good on me. I only need so many hats.

I was reminded of when i first heard the dreaded words, "its cancer", i was at the hospital with a good friend of mine. I was told to wait in the waiting area for the Oncologist. I remember looking at the mannequin heads with wigs on and the hats next to them. I was so overwhelmed. The social worker came in while i was waiting and tried to cheer me up by saying i could have a free hat and she had info on wigs etc.... I just started crying, and felt so much disbelief. "This can't be happening to me!", "I'm not a person who is going to wear hats and have no hair and need a wig!"

But here I am. After a while you just fall into the routine and the acceptance of this is where i'm at and its ok. I don't love it and wish I was in a different place, but i'm still ok.

Today was the first day of the "boost". There was a new tech, a young student,watching and helping. He'll be around all week i guess. So it was Miss V and this guy, glasses guy i'll call him. I am positioned the same way as usual, only this time i am marked up quite a bit more. A circle is drawn with dots around the incision area from a clear plastic outline made up before.

The machine has an attachment on it that reminds me of a camera lens for movies. The attachment is only a couple inches from the incision area to have it be more precise and direct to the area. I asked Miss V about what the radiologist said to me about "grey 2", what did that mean? She tried to explain it and i'll try to explain it now. There seems to be two types of terminology used for the doses of radiation given. One term is Rads and the other is Centrigray (grey), ....not sure of the spelling......I thought Rads was the abbreviation for radiation, not so. When someone gets a dose of say 100 Rads, I believe that means 1.0 gray(grey), i got 1.8 grey with the four doses put together, now with this one dose i'm receiving 2.o grey. Higher dose and only one area. Hope that wasnt too confusing.

I wonder if I really need to know all this info. I was speaking with a survivor the other day and she is pretty happy just trusting her doctor and doing what they recommend, without asking too many questions. There is something to 'ignorance is bliss', sometimes i wish for ignorance. Most of the time I feel so much better and more in control, or at least a part of my healing, if i have more knowledge. I do realize that not everyone needs to know it all and I think thats completely fine.

The buzzing noise lasted about 45 seconds, i counted. Then i was finished. I then had to see the radiologist. Who would i get today? I got my least favorite one, oh boy!

I first saw Nurse C, she weighed me and then looked at the area. I told her about how much its been itching. She said she'll recommend to the doctor that he write a Rx for another lotion to help with that. Why does she AND he need to look at the area? Seems odd to me.

He asked how i was feeling. I told him about the pains i've had a few times in my lung. He said that thats normal for most women and went on to explain how in about two weeks after i finish how i will start to heal up etc....... why is it only women its normal with? It has to do with the lung, not breast. last i checked men and women have lungs. I know,.... i'm being smart. He just rubs me the wrong way. He said it was nice to meet me and good luck etc...and that i would see my assigned radiologist in about 2? weeks i believe, after i finish treatment. He also said i would follow up with her from time to time. I asked why, and said i thought i'd be finished with rads and only see my Oncologist. He said I would see her to check in still. Huh. Didnt realize that. Wonder why? He told me that my skin would be sensitive for the rest of my life, that i'd need to keep the area moisturized pretty regularly. Permanent skin damage.

I made some miso soup with daikon, wakame, and tofu when i got home. Not bad if i say so myself. I'm starting to cook a bit more when i can. I'll be so happy to get my energy back.

Time to lie down for a rest.

Only four more to go!