Saturday, December 8, 2007


I thought i was taking a nap at 8pm, then my hope was to awake around 9pm and have all kinds of energy to want to go see a band i love alot, called Entrain. I woke up at 9:30pm and was in no shape to go out. I went back to sleep and now its 3:30am. My cat doesnt know what is going on. Neither do I. I'm all discombobulated.

I have these reminders of how i'm still recovering. I'm still gaining back my strength. I need to remember that its only been 2 months since i ended my radiation and only about 4 or so months since i stopped chemo. My body has been through quite a lot. I keep hearing from different people how its taken them a year or so to feel more like themselves. Others even say that they still havent felt themselves and its been years. Everyone is different. I get impatient and I want to feel some sort of normalcy, if that can even happen.

I want to go out dancing, stay up late, have fun.

I can still do those things, just maybe not as often as i like.

I also have some reminders of the miracle of children.

I spent some time with my nephew and niece the other day. They each have such personalities, its so much fun to witness. I love holding babies too, my niece is almost 8 months old. Theres something so calming about babies, maybe its their smell or just their energy.

I was speaking with my sister on the phone yesterday, my sister love, and she mentioned some very sweet comments that her daughter made. She is a fairy girl, with so much knowledge and wisdom. Such a teacher,...of joy and so much more.

So, the reminder for me is once again, how i'm not going to have the experience of having a child of my own. That is never going to happen for me in this lifetime. I say i'm ok with it, and i really am, but i'm also realizing how final it feels. I want to honor my transforming from Mother to Crone. I'm not closing the door to adoption, but thats a bit different.

In paganism there are 3 levels of womanhood, 3 major ones anyway. Maiden, Mother and Crone. I will be going into the Crone energy in some ways, a bit early. My body will be going through the physical and emotional energies of Crone woman. I would like to honor the mother energy within me and welcome the Crone. It is after all the wise all knowing part of a womans life. Thats not so bad. I welcome wisdom into my life.

I really don't think i'd choose to go back to my younger years, it was a hard time for me. Maybe i'd like that body back, but other than that I'm happy where i'm at. Of course i'd rather not have gone through cancer.

Life is life, it is what it is. There are good and bad, dark and light, and all the colors in between.

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