Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Want to throw a tantrum

Been pretty stressed out lately.

I don't want to make my decision about hormone therapy, hysterectomy etc....

Just dont want to, period!

I want a year off, then decide. My Oncologist of course strongly advises against waiting. I moved my appointment to November 8th.

I want more time to think about this, get more data. I also heard Mercury is in retrograde, and everybody knows you shouldnt make big decisions during that time, right? well, not everyone knows this. I'm using it as a reason to delay my decision making date. Next i'll say that my palm reader says i cant make any decisions for a year. I do believe in palm reading and psychics and astrologers. There are a lot of fakes out there too, like with anything.

The point is i want time, i want to be able to stop time for a while, have some fun, live my life. I know if i go on drugs and if i have an operation, maybe the fun wont necessarily stop, but the chances are good that its going to be tough for a while.

I know i should be grateful, so many people out there are fighting as i type this, just to live another day, they would be grateful to be having my so called problems. I finally feel better than i've felt in literally years and i'm being asked to alter that drastically and maybe for a long long time!

My body is not happy with me either, its telling me to slow down and be good to myself. I'm eating lots of unhealthy foods, mostly sugary foods. Not good for fighting off cancer. I am an emotional eater for sure. I get stressed and i go for ice cream, pastries, chocolate. That only adds to the stress and anxiety. My knee is upset as well. I am now on the couch with it propped up. I had to limp to my appointment today, wasnt sure i was going to make it. I had wrapped it up with an ace bandage, but that doesnt really do anything. I had to take two buses and walk part way. I just want to hide my head under the covers and not come out.

My head is a swirling vortex of data, numbers, side effects, risks, fears. Its amazing how one day you can feel happy and energetic and the next its doomsday.

I also got some sad news. A friend of the family who lived in England passed away a few days a go, Mary. She was so sweet to me when my boyfriend died and i went over there to see his grave. I had stayed with her for a few days on my travels about England. She had lost her husband Hugh a while before I stayed with her. Mary had had breast cancer about 20-30 or so years ago, she had taken a drug i am considering taking, and her doctor told her that the recent recurrence of ovarian cancer was probably due to the medication she had taken. She lost the battle this time. She was a sweet sweet lady and she'll be missed.

There seems to be so much fear and death around me lately. I know there is beauty as well. Its just hard to see through the black slime sometimes.

Its like going through a car wash with those octopus like washers, engulfing you and surrounding, suffocating you, but if you just hold your breath you can make it out to the sunlight again. I'm still holding my breath.

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