Friday, October 19, 2007

Pea Soup

It is incredibly foggy out right now. My mind knows there are other buildings and trees beyond what i can see, but my eyes only see the house next door and the tree in front of it. The rest is white.

It is fitting for my mood lately. I know I need to "go inward", become introspective. My mind is wanting a different plan. My mind is racing and incredibly busy trying to work out what my next move should be. So much information swirling about my head, details .....details.....details......

driving me nuts

I got a cold yesterday. First one all year. I've been so careful when i was on chemo and radiation, surgery etc... didn't get sick once, only sick from treatments, that was enough.

when a person who has had cancer gets sick, it becomes a bit more concerning than if i had gotten sick before cancer. Theres always this worry in the back of my mind that if this is a really bad cold it could put me in the hospital if my immune system cant handle it. I'm sure i'll be fine, its just the worrier part of me stepping up.

I know its a combination of being on a full bus with coughing and sneezing people going to NH, stress and not sleeping/eating as well that made me sick. Also the worrying i'm constantly doing. I am trying to take some time to be still and listen, to quiet my mind. I'm resisting. I want to avoid and escape. I really don't want to make any decisions about hormone therapy, hysterectomy, or any other decisions right now. I want to have fun and relax. My oncologist is pushing me to make a decision soon. The protocol is to get onto some sort of drug therapy a few weeks after radiation is finished. That would be right about now.


i want to throw a tantrum and not do anything, kick my feet, pound my hands on the floor and scream at the top of my lungs! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm finally feeling better than i've felt in years, and now I'm being asked to change that.

I've always been a stubborn person. I want to do things my way. My mom told me some stories of how she'd try to pick out clothes for me when i was little and i refused. I would put the most odd combinations of clothes together and was perfectly happy with my decisions. I'm not happy with not doing a thing, i'm not happy about any of the choices presented to me right now.

What to do?

I need some more time. I will try to allow some quiet time and listen to what my body tells me. I've been praying to whomever will listen out there. I would appreciated some guidance.

On a different note.......

I had a wonderful experience while walking down my friends dirt road in NH. It was about 7a.m. The sun had come out, it was chilly but crisp, clean air. Quiet. Birds waking up. Mist coming off of the pond and grass. I saw a face with big ears looking at me in a field. It was a good sized buck, he seemed young. maybe a teenager? He had antlers but not filled in, still had some white on his chest. Majestic. I stopped in the road and we just stared at each other for minutes. I could have stood there for ever. I wanted to send him love and an understanding that I wasnt an enemy.

It was a peaceful, beautiful moment.

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