Saturday, February 23, 2013

What Will Never Be

So I'm watching a crime show drama and mostly I half listen while I play words with friends or something else, but today I paid attention for the most part.

You know how some people will cry at commercials or during the same song every time, even if played for a million times?

Well, I'm a bit of the opposite. I believe I grew up learning to be strong. Take care of myself at a pretty young age. Due to divorced parents and struggling times. My mom did the best she could at the time and I just ended up alone a lot. Latch key kid I suppose I'd call me back then.

I cried a lot as a teenager, with all those raging hormones, how could you not? Then as life happened and more and more challenging events hit me, I just shut down a bit. I went numb. Very depressed most of the time. I was still somehow able to work at least one job if not 3 at a time. I could put that "face" on pretty well. I worked for customer service type jobs mainly. I could deal with people really well after some time.

I feel like I've survived due to being shut down emotionally. Since my boyfriend died in 1999, It was like pandoras' box had been opened. When Stuart died, I was determined to do what ever I had to do to heal from the grief. I was NOT going to let yet another shitty event in my life bring me down. With help from so many people, therapists at first, I was able to start chipping away at the wall. About 11 months after Stuarts' death, I moved to SC to be with my aunt and uncle who put me to work on their small farm and beautiful property. It was a good thing, to be working on the land and learning how to brush a horse without being panicky. I was nervous about being near a horse for the most part. I learned how to get back up on my feet again. I also learned to love dogs. I had grown up with mostly cats. I was not really a dog lover. I got over that pretty quick with the 4 dogs to teach me. I love dogs now Thanks to my aunt and uncle, I was able to go to massage school in NC. That experience was wonderful for me. I faced some hard times learning physiology and kinesiology, anatomy and so forth.....not easy. I then went on to do other things.....my depression off and on, up and down. Things would get hard and I'd move back home, or towards family. Finally I ended up back home and decided to not move again. To stick it out and face my "demons" so to speak.

I won't get into all my history here, but I was reminded tonight that because of Stuarts' death, I was able to open up some doors that may never have been opened. I did so much work on healing my spirit and soul. There were times where I didn't want to go on anymore but something kept keeping me here. I couldn't understand it, why?

I'm still not 100 percent on the why answer yet, but I am grateful for so many experiences I've had since 1999 and especially since 2010.

I do have some really painful moments even among all kinds of gratitude. Tonight, on the crime drama, this cop gave the most beautiful speech to ask his girlfriend to marry him. It was so emotional, and real feeling.

I started crying realizing that my boyfriend Stuart never got to ask me that question. I never have been asked that question and I never will have that question asked. Not in this body anyway.

Thats enough to make me cry. Even with all my defenses up and controlled emotions, I do cry from time to time. I'm trying to allow the tears to come. Its a work in progress. I'm still learning something every single day.

My "work" isn't over yet.

Nope, not yet.


5 comments:

Humidx said...

You deeply touch my heart, Jenn.

Nikki Shields said...

Big hugs to you, Jenn. I love this entry. And it reminds me of the quote about (I'm paraphrasing) How do you know your work here on Earth isn't done? Because you're still here. I love you lots!
Nikki

Me From Maine said...

Hi Jenn, I have to agree with Nikki that I also really love this entry. Just as an aside, I am trying to incorporate thoughts on recent entries into this one since I've been so busy and haven't had a chance to catch up until now....

When you wrote that you are starting to look at things and see *love*, I have to tell you that I love that and want to share an experience with you...

Sometimes when I meditate - only sometimes - I get visions of the world from the perspective of the soul. I know that sounds odds. It's kinda like astral travel I think. Anyway, when I come back from those kinds of meditations, I also see *love*. It is like an aura around people (and animals, too!), and it grows larger the more love is present.

Using this love lens, I was able to see that there is even love shared between two people who are interacting in anger. This really surprised me. Granted, the "love" being shared wasn't as bright, and the color was more of a murky, muddy red/brown color rather than the more vibrant and amazing pink I had seen around the others.

So, in my mind I asked "What is going on there?" and the answer came to me that we agree to be in situations where there is conflict in order to learn from them. In that sense, then, we are sharing LOVE with another person.

It's like, we love them enough to agree to seemingly dislike them in order for both of us to grow. The color is different because the vibration is mixed with the negativity of the situation, but it is in fact a form of love.

This idea blew me away and gave me a completely different perspective regarding relationships with people. So, basically, we are all here to learn about and share love.

It hit me as being incredibly profound at the time, and sometimes when I quiet myself and relax, I can get back to that place of being so incredibly grateful for everyone in my life, even those who don't treat me nicely. Granted, there are other times I have a harder time feelin' the love ;)

There is a quote from a book (One of the Emmanuel books I believe) that basically says If we start from love, and our lesson is about knowing love, and we return to love, what is there to fear?

Love you~ Val

StressLess said...

Thank you sister.... It brought me to a place that was hard.. realizing that you and I, 6 years apart .. were so far apart geographically... and I feel sorry to have run off to the AirForce while you were struggling at home with your hormones, emotions and growing up.. numbing up.

I feel very similar about my childhood experiences and coping mechanisms... numbing, shutting down... and of course we all have work to be done.. and it doesn't stop. Much to be uncovered for me in its own time.. thank god for Yoga and Meditation.. and Self Study..

You are a blessing to the world Jenn.. and you have brought much soul and maturity to all of our lives.. because of your perspective, hard work and suffering.. I LOVE YOU FOR YOU!

I'll see you in a couple of days!

BIG SQUEEZY HUGS... (not to hard)..

Mark

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have a wonderful way of expressing your feelings into words. It would be cool to have this blog pubished in a book form and distributed to others facing cancer to help with the mix of emotions and thoughts get through their days. Your work indeed isn't finished.


Liz
NYC