Saturday, March 2, 2013

March 2nd, 2013

Hi Ya'll

I've been meaning to post for DAYS but life has gotten in the way.

My pain has been increasing daily. I"m going up on one med and trying to go
down on another, but its not really working so hot so far.

I had some emotional conversations with some family members and friends lately and it ALL
contributed to my increased pain. I wish I could explain it better, but what I've learned from my hospice team and from my own experience, is that when I have emotional times, especially stressful or angry moments, then the pain increases and the major fatigue does too.

If I have a few days of those times happening, then it can take a few days to recover from it all.

I had to sadly cancel seeing my Aunt on Monday and Tuesday due to the pain and fatigue. I was crying and very upset about this. My body told me way in HELL are you doing anything today.

I did get to see my aunt, who was visiting from SC, for one and a half very good days. One day I was a shopping fiend. I had to find a nice shirt to go with my beautiful new skirt I bought lately. So that was the mission but then I saw all the major sales at JCP and ended up with more things I didn't think I'd be able to afford. There are MAJOR sales going on there, just for an FYI. $10.00 pair of skinny jeans and another pair of skinny jeans/pants for $5.00!!! Then $3.00 tank tops and the most I paid was for a beautiful sweater that was reduced to $23.00, but it was down from around 60-something. amazing!

I have never shopped like that before. I'm usually so frugal with my shopping and its usually at Goodwill or at other thrift stores, but this was just as good and they are brand new! I had so much fun!

My mom and aunt were tired and sat in another dressing room bench while I tried on clothes and came back to model them for them, no one else was in the dressing rooms, it was so quiet. I felt like I had the store to myself. What it is is I felt like a princess who had her handlers to carry things for her and do whatever I wanted. But I don't think they felt like that. It was nice to feel important and to be able to buy without worrying about spending too much. Such a freeing experience. Now I have some funky clothes that fit. My aunt had said that it look like I'm sick when the clothes hang off of me and if I have pants that fit, then its not so obvious. Shes right.

I had bought two pairs of skinny jeans because the other pants I got not long ago are now falling off of me. They were the pair that I got because my other pants were falling off. I guess its still happening. Weight loss.  :(    The last time I was weighed was a couple of weeks ago at my Osteopaths office and I am down to around 130, I am 5'7"and don't EVER remember being so small in my adult life anyway.

I'm trying to not be too down about it and have fun. I'm finally the size I always dreamed of being. Maybe a few pounds heavier would be better. I don't think everyone should be this skinny at my age anyway.

My mom told my aunt (and then later told me) that she felt like it was weird to be having so much fun when I am dying and so sick, that I look good and we're having fun. Like thats the wrong thing to be doing now. I told my mom that some denial is really really healthy sometimes. We have to live there in that denial world and have fun from time to time. It helps my mood and everyones mood to just forget about the big F-ing C and just have FUN!!! YES!!

It has been harder to be on the computer for too long. It exhausts me, but I swear I will keep blogging for as long as I can and then maybe I can tell someone else what to type for me. I take this blog seriously and I know some of you like reading it.

I may not post as often but I WILL post as much as my body will allow these days.

Today I see my brother and my two beautiful/handsome nephews!! They are visiting and my brother is having HIS documentary film makers follow HIM around and they want to film the two of us hanging out at my place and then tomorrow maybe out on the beach. We'll see how it goes. Its always strange to have a camera in your face so much and try to act natural.

I'm going to do my best and I hope Mark will too. To just be real and not play to the camera and edit yourself as you speak. Its easy to do. My brother used to be an actor in NYC for a while and he teaches yoga amongst so many other amazing talents that he has, but sometimes being totally REAL with family is a whole other ball game. I'm sure it will work out the way its supposed to work out.

I'm looking forward to seeing my nephews too, hopefully off camera.

Well, I'm off for now, got to get my apartment in some kind of order for the film crew to set up and get ready.

I wish a wonderful weekend for you all...... filled with love and LAUGHTER!!!! *I hope you get a kick out of the picture below that I took recently. Sweet Sheep at Wolfes Neck Farm

Blessed Be!


Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,
You sound like your having fun, how awesome! I hope that you have a fulfulling day with your family. For a long time I heard the over used term, "Live In The Moment" and ,"Time doesn' t Really Exist The Only Time We Have Is Now" After reading your entry today I now realize how true it is. Who Knew?


Anonymous said...

Glad you had fun with your shopping fiendishness Jenn! I say keep on having fun as much as you can! :-) Love you!