Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Saying NO

This morning I awoke with yet more increased pain. I got the go ahead from my oncologist and hospice nurse on duty to go up on the morphine which will hopefully help me be able to go down on the dilaudid. I believe the dilaudid is making me feel loopy and dizzy, disoriented and nearly falling over. Tired Tired Tired.!

Yesterday I woke up with extreme pain and extreme fatigue. Huge!!

I had to cancel a visit I was looking forward to with a friend of my step sister in laws. I've met her a few times, she's such a sweet woman who has the best smile, always lights up the room.

I hated saying no to her. I just had to. I was sobbing from the pain and fatigue. And also for having to say no.

I was able to see my Hospice Social Worker at noon and that helped a lot! She put things into some perspective for me and brought about some reality as well.

Some bathroom issues are happening which i'm sure you all don't need to read about, but its something that is VERY upsetting for me. It goes along with the whole living with dignity part, When I was doing the other two film projects before this one with my brother , I had mentioned the Documentary How to Die in Oregon. I wonder how many of you have seen it? You have to get it in the mail thru Netflix or buy it thru amazon. Its really worth watching. I'm feeling like I"m becoming the woman I feared I'd become. The woman who can't wash herself and wipe herself and basically become dependent on others for everything. Boy its not easy to allow this to happen and be ok with it. I sobbed and sobbed with my Soc Worker. She is so wonderful. She just allowed me to do that and didn't try to fix it. There is no fixing to be done. It is what it IS. My job, so to speak, is to find a place of acceptance. I'm still working on that one and saying NO, and accepting that my body is dying.

Things are going to be happening that I have no control over. Sucks, but its reality.

Other than the yucky physical stuff....

I did have a good time seeing my brother and his two handsome boys, my nephews. I'm so happy we got to hang out some.

The film makers are so nice and understanding of my time needed to recover. I did over do it on Sunday and I think that may be whats put me into a higher pain area, but it was totally worth it. I'm not really sure that that IS why the pain increase is here. Who knows for sure.

I got to watch my nephew swim in the pool and that was fun. He isn't the best swimmer yet, but he's trying. He has his head way out of the water doing the doggie paddle. LOL, so cute. He can swim on his back too.

My oldest nephew watches out for his little nephew and they laugh together. So lovely to watch them interact in a sweet way sometimes. Of course there is fighting too, thats what brothers do.

Those little moments I treasure.

I discovered a new APP called Split Pic, soooooo great!!! We had so much fun Saturday night without the cameras, just playing with taking pics of one another. There is one that is freaky because its of me and my brother. My face on the left side and his face on the right. Split down the middle. I"m going to try and post it on here. Not sure I can.

Our eyebrows and nose are so similar. Freaky and Fun to see.

My brother and I got to go over some old pics of one another with the film crew filming, in my apt.

It brought up all kinds of old issues between my brother and I. I believe we have mostly moved on with all that stuff. I don't have room in my heart or body to hold onto that kind of anger or resentment or just stuff that needs to be worked out between us both. I think Mark can work on those things on his own, he doesn't need me. I feel I've healed a lot about issues between us. Any other things I may want to work out, I may be able to do that on the other side, but I honestly don't think there is anything unresolved in my heart or soul as far as with my brother.

Do I wish things would be different with Mark and me and his boys and how he does or doesn't take care of his emotional self? Yes, of course. But thats HIS work to do. Not mine. I was able to tell Mark my fears around all that and what I would want for him, but again, not my job or business. My fears and anxieties. Not my job or business to tell ANYONE how to live their life or what decisions to make in their lives. I hope that others can back off and accept what I've done and what decisions I've made in my life and if not, then still love me for the weeks or maybe months I have left and not let that baggage get in the way of having loving moments together.

I've had to lose a couple of friends lately due to stuff getting in the way. Be it anger, or old issues that really have nothing to do with ME, they have to do with triggers of an old family issue or event. Some people just can't handle being around someone that is dying the way that I am dying. That is their decision and I'm mostly accepting that. Its a loss I have to grieve.

Anyway, I think you all get the point?

I had so much fun on Sunday as well. We all went to Fort Williams Park, where the oldest lighthouse in Maine is located. My family and I used to go there lots of times in the Summer to cookout on the grill and play bocce ball or fly a kite or do what people do out doors. So much fun!

So my nephews went climbing on the rocks and I had to look away at the scary times when they looked like they could fall. I had to remember that thats what I did as a child. Letting go of control. LOL

Mark and I had more lovely moments that were filmed.

The sound technician and part time camera man took some pics on my camera, of my brother and I that came out beautifully. They will be cherished for a long long time.

I will sign off now and say that I love that so many of you take the time out each day to read my blog and even comment from time to time as well. I know in this busy world, thats a big thing. So thank you!!

Have a beautiful day filled with moments that make you smile or wonder or feel emotion of any kind.

Blessings to you all.!


Anonymous said...

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for conjuring up the strength to write. I know all too well the test of real friendship by who is there for you when you most neef them. Funny how people that you thought you could trust, leave but more wonderfully wierd is who actally shows up out of the woodwork and are there for you when you really need them.

Many moons ago it for me, it was YOU that was there in my time of need when I was stressed and my best friend at the time left me to deal alone. You invited me to hang out with you in Maine and introduced me to Whoopie Pies, Fresh Lobster and the wonders of Portland, Main in the summer. Your kind, gentle, sincere spirit was exactally what I needed to regenerate and I will ALWAYS be grateful. We may be miles apart but I am always thinking of you.


Anonymous said...

Hi Jen
I hope things are well on Park St. I cherish reading your blog and my heart goes out to you. Colorado is terrific esp since it snows then turns 50 the next day. I think I picked a good winter to move away with all the snow you are having.
You are such a brave soul and please continue being strong and sharing your journey.



Humidx said...

Wow Jenn! You take my breath away, as always.

Love & gentle hugs,


Anonymous said...

Jenn, Your thoughts are beautiful, bold and inspirational. Just like you!