Saturday, June 15, 2013
Animals know when you are being REAL
I woke up today thinking about someone whom I am having a hard time communicating with and decided for at least right now I cannot be in a relationship with this person in any shape or form. It is unhealthy for my body and spirit.
I was with my dear step sister in law…..my sister….:) and we got to hang out for a little bit. (Time that went way too fast.) Then I went to my friend Vickie’s house, about 20 minutes away, where she has three horses. I love being around her horses. They are such wonderful beings. I feel grounded to be with them. Vickie is starting a wonderful therapeutic program with some other individuals who are of the same mind and wanting to help people thru horses and their guidance.
I wasn’t sure what to expect and was a bit nervous at first but loved being with the horses. First another woman and I were brushing one of the horses named Java. He seemed to be so happy about that. Having two ladies brush him at the same time, it was like he was a Prince. I noticed the smell and warmth that the horse had. Very comforting with all the senses, except not the taste. That would be pushing it a bit far I think. LOL. Although a few horse flies wanted to fly into my mouth, luckily they didn’t succeed.
Then we, this other woman and I, picked a horse we wanted to work with. I picked Oscar. He is a beautiful tan horse with a white mane that has a black stripe down the center. From when I first met Oscar maybe a year ago? I loved being near him.
Each of us got two people to work with as well. I went to Oscar and got the rope to guide him to the shade and I wasn’t sure what to do or what to say or ? I knew what emotions were coming up for me but thought, …no, I don’t need to go there, It’s something I can work on later when I get home. But as soon as I tried to push that thought away and go somewhere else in my mind and heart, Oscar went away from me. He wanted me to be REAL. Here I am telling people to Keep It Real and I don’t go there. So didn’t I feel like a hypocrite? LOL
I decided to go back and sit in the chair and I started to cry and cry. Suddenly Oscar came over and was so strong. I won’t get into everything I said and how Oscar acted but one thing I won’t forget is that this horse licked my tears off of my face. I swear to the Goddess! I was pouring out tears and as soon as my right eye poured out some tears, he had his mouth on my cheek and I felt his tongue lick my tears off my face. He was comforting me but also I felt he wanted me to be strong. To sit with my strength of making the correct decisions for me right now. I have a right to have loving and supportive people around me while I die and I deserve to say no to behaviors that are filled with anger and judgment towards me. I don’t know how much time I have left. I deserve to live and die how I choose and be around people I choose to be around.
I have been living for other people for so long and taking care of their emotions and needs and not taking care of mine. I think its about time I did that don’t you think? If ever there was a time.
I know that my passing is going to be messy and I’m not going to heal every relationship before I go. I do feel like I’ve tried so hard to be authentic with people and try my best to love and understand where someone is coming from. I can’t force people to act a certain way or ask something from someone that they can’t give. But I CAN put up healthy boundaries and not allow myself to be treated unfairly.
My family and friends who understand this are so supportive of me and my path. I am so lucky and so grateful to have a loving and supportive community around me. I am also thankful for the healing power of animals, especially to Oscar, a Fjord whom was so sweet and supportive today and allowed me to cry on his neck and stood strong for me when I couldn’t. While standing out of the shade and back in the sun, I silently thanked him and he walked back to his herd of horses, his family.