Friday, January 25, 2013

Melancholy Day

Woke up feeling really really blue.....

Not sure why....

The new egg crate padding has some kind of weird chemical on it, so I inhaled it all night, maybe thats it? Its now airing out in my back bedroom.

I had a pedicure yesterday and felt guilty about it somehow. Like there are other ways to spend my little money I have, but it was something a friend and I were planning on doing for a while, so I did it.

I look at my life in practical terms and it is so depressing. I was alone last night, most nights I am, and I just looked around at what I was doing or not doing and what my little world LOOKS like and it was just so sad. I wonder why I am here still? To sit on my new hospital bed and take pills to keep the waves of crippling pain away and write on my blog?

Sometimes I just think I should just go and let my family and friends start grieving. Being here in the way I'm here is uncomfortable for many people, including myself. Some people won't be near me because its just too much for them. I don't understand that, but on some level I DO.

If those people that feel uncomfortable, were going thru what I am going thru, wouldn't they want support from friends and family too? I just figure its THEIR journey and not mine. I can't make anyone want to be around me or talk with me about the cancer.

The woman who gave my friend and I pedis yesterday was very chatty. Too chatty for my taste. She asked what I did for work, then asked what meds I was on.....non of your business is what I wanted to tell her. Her face and energy changed when finally my answers weren't enough for her and I had to tell her I had metastatic breast cancer. She got all silent and looked down. Then proceeded to ask more questions. When did I get diagnosed and so on and so forth.

I just want to have a day where no one knows whats going on with me and I don't have to answer those uncomfortable questions and make others feel something dark. If someone were to film us thru a window with no would see smiles and laughter and then a darkness when she finds out and then more uncomfortable movements and actions.

Some days I want to just put the cancer badge on the shelf and have a day off.

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