Friday, July 25, 2008

Stormy Weather

To live or not to live, that is the question....

There have been lots of storms lately as i'm sure most people around the country know.

One person was killed by a house collapsing on her. There may have been tornadoes but no confirmation has been made on that.

A storm will come in with dark clouds and then wind and then heavy rains with lightning. The sun will come out, everyone can breathe again. Birds come out, people venture outside. A little while later another storm comes in. Repeat, repeat....

I thought I was out of the storm....., i'm back in it.

I'm not sure what to say about it really.

Its such a tiresome thing to write or talk about. I'm sure people in my life are sick of hearing about it. I know I am. I'm living it and i'm sick of it big time.

I saw a new therapist yesterday and it didnt go well. She was all business and I felt like I was in bootcamp. She was the drill sargent. All about rules to follow and what she expects from me and how I am "encouraged" to try this and smiles, no empathy or sympathy, nothing.
Rules and guidelines.

I left there feeling worse than when I arrived.

I'm at the point right now where i'm just so tired of it all, really tired. Tired of this depression, tired of fighting to stay alive.

I don't want people to write me to tell me how they want me to live or how good of a person I am, i'm not looking for sympathy or help in that way. No pity party please. I'm just expressing how I'm feeling.

Shitty really....

I think the guilt of how people in my life would feel is keeping me alive right now. The guilt of how my family and friends would be affected if I took my own life.

Why is it that we stay alive for other people?

This new therapist wants to make sure I stay alive. Why does she care if I stay alive? She doesnt know me, i'm not in her life in that way, why care?

We put our animals down or discard them if they are a nuissance but we can't accept it if someone wants to leave this earth now. why is that?

The pro-lifers fight against abortion but will (not all) allow this stupid war to go on and accept that its ok to kill human beings, for what?

We kill animals for food and fur and leather.

I just got to thinking about it lately.

The catholics say its a sin to kill yourself and you'll go to hell. I don't believe that.

There are so many rules and religions about life and what that means. But its also twisted. The death penalty is ok? Murder is justified sometimes? I don't get it.

I don't want anyone to panic that reads this that i'm going to do something drastic.

Yes, its on my mind.

But like I said before, I have too much guilt to actually do anything. I don't want to hurt people.

In the meantime i'm hurting, ....inside and out right now.

Hopefully next post will be positive.

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