Sunday, August 11, 2013

Back to RADS.....AGAIN!!!!

Yes, it's true. I'm having more radiation therapy. I had to be in the hospital for what I thought
was a pulled muscle that caused me so much pain it was excruciating. I was there for 3 1/2 days and left still dealing with the pain. I was told on one day that I had to go home with this uncontrolled pain and die in bed. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was not ready to hear that. My mind could not wrap itself around that information. The Oncologist didn't ask if I wanted a family member with me or a nurse or anyone. She drops the bomb on me in not a nice way and leaves the room saying "sorry". I was devastated.

Then the next day she came back to say that maybe radiation would help shrink the tumors that they saw on the CAT Scan the night before. Or I could try a nerve blocker. I don't think I"m going in that direction. They want me to have 10 sessions of RADS. I have had two so far. The weekends there is no treatment. So on Saturday (yesterday) I had horrible digestive issues. Nothing was staying in my body. Not throwing up, thankfully, but coming out the other end. Not fun. I soooo wanted to have some ice cream with my friend who stayed over last night but it just wasnt worth the torture my body would go thru afterwards. I wanted my body to have a break for a while. I'm hoping the reaction to the RADS is over and my body will be acclimated from here on out. I can't afford to lose any more weight. I'm about at 108 or less at 5'7". I lost about 60 pounds since last Summer.

I have been thinking that I have just lived too long and also have been feeling that from some family members and non family members. It's too hard to give out compassion for a year or more I guess. I try to understand it and wish I could take the pain away from others, but I can't.

I am living with this every single day. I can't take a break from it and go camping and forget about it all. Nope. Every day.

This is what I wanted. To die with dignity and not with excruciating pain. So far it was happening until now. I'm feeling optimistic about the RADS working. I'm wondering if I need all 10 sessions.

I know that everyone grieves differently and expresses their fear differently. I'm trying to find acceptance for that. It's hard when I"m exhausted and in so much pain. So I figure if people want to come to me and share love and compassion with me then thats what I'm needing and requesting. Not judgment or telling me what they think I should or should not do. This is MY path, MY journey of dying. The most important journey of my life in this body. If people can't show and share love with me, then hopefully they can process their pain and fear with others.

I have enough to deal with on my own and can't fix anyone else or should I do that. NO.

Everyone hurts and expresses that hurt in their own way. This is my mantra for today.

I love you all out there!!!!!

Love one another please!

Peace

Jenn


4 comments:

S. R. Roy said...

I wish you peace, too, Jenn, and keep you in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.

Love and gentle hugs!

Sue

N. Jamison said...

Peace and hugs! Love, Nicole

Me From Maine said...

Morning (or is it afternoon?)! You're absolutely right that you cannot ( and shouldn't try to) control anyone else's reactions or ways of dealing with this process you're journeying through. As I know you are keenly aware, this is deeper (for all of us) than "just" offering compassion and love during this leg of your journey. This is personal, and hits home for us alas...sooooooooo very close to where we all live...and where we all shed this body suit.

Jenn, I wish you and I had gotten closer before this recurrence. I have to trust that the universe knows what it's doing by bringing us into one another's lives at this point and time. I guess this is our medium, and for that I have to honor what feels like the natural flow of love for our friendship.

I'm sorry you are havin such pain, and I truly hope a solution comes quickly. You're oncologist certainly doesn't seem to have good bedside manners...I hope someone provides that feedback to him/her and to their superiors. Pain options should have been first and foremost in his/her mind, although I suspect some adverse feelings to your desire not to use the generally pushed upon patients regimen.

I continue to walk alongside you in spirit, with your circle of close friends and family. As always, I do so with gratitude for you sharing this with us. I don't know what it is "worth", but if you could see inside of my heart, you would know how deeply this all is meant. Xoxo ~ Val.

Anonymous said...

I'm still here. Peter's still here. Just wish we were able to hold you close. But we do in our hearts and minds. I like what Val wrote … we "continue to walk alongside you in spirit." Love you sweetie. Ellis