Physical pain getting in the way

So, i've been experiencing some physical aches and pains recently that seem to be getting worse and worse. I woke up this morning barely able to make a fist with either of my hands, this has been going on for a few weeks now. Most of my muscles and joints are achy. It could be the Femara drug that i'm taking, but of course I immediately think " its back!".

My body has recently become weaker as well. It reminds me of when I was in treatment. Every move seems challenging. I'm not able to move as quickly as I have been able to in recent past. I was walking my friends' dog and we usually jog a bit to get him tired out so he won't pull me quite so much and my body just couldn't do it for long or very well.

I woke up this morning and it really hit me. What next? If i go off the Femara there is only one other drug in the class of 3 available and if that doesnt work then i'm offered Tamoxifen which I really don't want to take. I know thousands of women who take it with huge success but my body is resisting it.

Other drugs that i'm currently taking are also pooping out or have awful side effects. I'm running out of options there too.

It all just makes me want to throw my hands up and crawl into bed for the winter. why can't we hibernate like the bears do?

Then i came across this video a little while ago and it cheered me up, i hope i was able to post it here. I LOVE Ani Difranco and seeing her LIVE is quite the experience if you ever have a chance, go see her!

enjoy and peace out,.... i'm going to go hide my head for a while but i'll be back out before Spring, no worries!

Todays Poem on the Writers' Almanac

Purgatory Is Nearer in November

by Josephine Jacobsen

November is beautiful as the word sounds, is gray, is bare,
Is compact of wind, of leaves blown and the thin, tall rain;
Brought back to our care are the dead in November,
and the air of these days is charged with their pain.

For these are not the free dead, not the remote, bright crowd
Of our picture-book, or our image of nebulous heaven:
These are caught, tangled in a web comfortless as a shroud—
These have not familiar place, nor flight, nor oblivion, even.

They have not escaped yet-they are close in the clouds massing
together;
At the cold first drop you will stare on the dark ground and remember.
They are the accent of autumn, they are the source of the tone of this
weather.
The heart is reached by the waiting dead, in their month, in November.

"Purgatory Is Nearer in November" by Josephine Jacobsen, from Contents of a Minute. © Sarabande Books, 2008.

Blah Day

I have once again been hesitant to post due to not being in a very good space, but here we go....

I believe it's this time of year that gets me down. There always seems to be a lot of death and illness all around. Maybe that's why having holidays distracts us from all the sadness?

The last few weeks have certainly been a challenging one for me.

I really am trying to keep a positive spirit but lately that little engine that could is losing the battle, burning it's wheels trying to make it to the top of that mountain.

Today is the actual burial of my good friends' mom. Her ashes will be buried along with her cats' ashes today at 11am. Its a rainy blustery day here and seems fitting for a burial.

I hurt my shoulder, recently, raking leaves at my moms' house. I totally overdid it. I raked for over 5 hours straight! What was I thinking? I wasn't. Now I am dealing with the repercussions.
A shoulder that has bursitis and sore muscles all around. My Osteopath just shook her head in disbelief when I told her of my latest injury. I then got very sad and disappointed in myself for one...not listening to my body when it told me to stop or slow down, and two....that I am not at the same place physically as I was 2 years ago or so. I am still regaining my strength and recovering from some pretty damn intense treatment.

I just get frustrated sometimes and that leads to depression of sorts.

I am feeling better today but this weather is making it hard to find that extra bit of energy to keep moving forward.

This is also a lonely time of year. It's been quite some time since I've been on a date or been dating someone.

It's like when babies are left alone too long they get sick and crave that touch. Humans need that physical touch, that love and caring, just to survive.

I'm feeling like that baby sitting alone in the dark, just crying out for some love and for someone to just hold me.

So, theres my sad post for today.

I am doing ok, even if it seems i'm not. I just have some sadness around me at the moment. I'm sure i'll be back to my hopeful self soon.

Todays' News

I'm very happy with this recent news!

Boston Globe said..."WASHINGTON — Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to give up her Senate seat and accept the position of secretary of state"

Ritual

Sorry for the long delay in posting.

I hope you all are doing well and adjusting to this fall weather with the time change and new President-elect! yea!

I have been thinking about rituals lately and thought i'd post my thoughts on that subject.

Recently I attended a wake and funeral. I also attended two bonfires. One of them was to burn old paperwork of my friends' mom who died.

Rituals of all sorts are interesting to me.

We all have our own rituals, even if we don't realize it.

There is something that we may do every day without thinking twice about it. Maybe we wake up and the first thing we do is brush our teeth? Maybe it's feeding the animals? Maybe its putting on reading glasses? Then the rituals go deeper and become more personal. Some people pray or meditate when they wake up, or write in a journal. Whatever it is, it's a ritual.

Ritual can be such a loaded word. Ritual can mean religion to many people, or a cult even.

I watched one of my favorite movies last night called Baraka. I highly recommend it! Part of the movie shows different cultures using ritual. Praying in a certain way to a certain God or Goddess. Honoring a sacred item by kissing it or rubbing it or cleaning it. Bowing down in front of an altar or in front of a statue.

How did rituals begin? Some person at some time in history decided that a particular way of doing something was of significance. Was it during some horrible plague or famine? Was it during a time of strong religion that rituals were formed? Was it to honor the elements and cycles of the moon?

Obviously I could write about ritual forever. I just wanted to touch on it. To recognize that there are cultures all over the world that dance or pray or honor some spirit or God in some way. We all have the desire to honor something or someone in our lives and we all do it differently. Even if you don't believe in a God or a Higher Power, I bet there is something that you do to honor someone that has passed on or to honor the people in your lives right now.

Last Wednesday was the marking of my boyfriend Stuarts' death. Nine years ago he died. I wanted to honor that day by going to the climbing tree we had climbed so long ago. I wanted to do so many things but didn't. I ended up just putting up his picture in a place where I could see it better. I thought of the happy memories I have of him. I played a song that reminded me of him. That was my ritual this week.

This is a time of death and dying. The leaves are falling, the wind is howling, the air is cold and crisp.

After the death and dying phase there is rebirth and growth.

This time of year is important but it can also be challenging.

For there has to be death in order to have rebirth. As child labor can be painful and scary, so can death.

It's appropriate that the Presidential election is during this time as well. It is a time of change, the metaphorical dying of one way of thinking or acting to another way of looking at things. A new administration may bring a rebirth of sorts that we are all craving right now.

What rituals do you have in your life?

VOTE!

I couldn't let this important day go by without saying something about voting.

Tomorrow is voting day. I know it's going to be long lines and long waits. Taking time to vote can be a pain. What if it's raining? That can also be annoying.

Think about the places in this world where there is no voting. Other people decide the rules of the game. People that live in dangerous places literally risk their lives to vote.

So, when you are complaining about the inconvenience of voting, maybe think of a person who is willing to risk their lives to vote. That's how important this right to vote is. Every vote DOES count. Bring a book, iPod, magazine. Make your grocery list or list of meals you want to cook this week. Make plans for this weekend. Do whatever it takes to make it to the polls and stick it out in line. It's worth it.

This election is very very important. It could be history changing. This could be a day that goes down in the history books that your grandchildren will study in school.

No matter what you believe in, VOTE!

There are many life challenges for many people right now. My good friend Nancy is currently packing up her moms' life into boxes. She is going to take the time tomorrow to vote. I know one woman who has been told she may only have months to live. She is voting.

Please take the time to vote.

Thank you

Highs and Lows

I hope you all haven't forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten about all you wonderful readers out there. I've just been out of town and very busy.

This may be a long post, so sit back, get comfy, hold onto your hot cup of joe, and enjoy the ride....

First the Highs...

The weekend after my birthday week I went to a wonderful music festival. I got my camping wish. The festival was in Harmony, Maine. My good friend Nancy and I went there on a Saturday. It was another gorgeous fall day. The leaves were at their peak, the sun was shining and the air was crisp and clear. Nancy and I love road trips. We have the best memories when we go away somewhere. There's something freeing about getting away. Letting all our problems sit on the side lines for a while. All our responsibilities take a holiday too.

Our friend Quester set up tents for us and had the campsite all ready upon our arrival. Thanks Quester! He was playing in his band Freakwitch that night. The music of all the bands was wonderful! I've discovered some new music and found them on MySpace. There was good food, good music and my favorite part of the weekend, (other than the wonderful company I was a part of) was the bonfires! I got my bonfire! yea! We needed fire for sure! It was COLD! If there was one negative thing I had to say about the weekend it was the cold! Camping was challenging but I didn't freeze to death to thats an accomplishment for sure. The temps were down in the low 30's overnight.

The best day for me was that Sunday. We danced, hula hooped, and laid in the grass. No worries. Such a freedom feeling.

Then it was back to reality once again.

Nancys' mom was in the hospital and she needed to get back to her. Her sister was with her mom but it was Nancys turn to sit with her.

Now to the Lows....

Nancys' mom died last Thursday night. I got the call late that night and was able to get a car to go be with her around 11:30pm.

Sitting with someone who has passed away is such a surreal experience. I've had one other experience like it, even more profound. I was with my good friends' mom when she passed. I had been giving her reiki when she let go.

I am so grateful to be a part of this hard time for Nancy and her family. I am grateful for Nancys trust and faith in me to be there with her in her pain.

I am going through some emotions myself. I have the urge to want to take all the pain away from my dear friend. I know thats not possible and not fair to Nancy either. She needs to go through this her way and in her own time. I'm just a witness holding the space for her and what she needs.

I spent most of the weekend with her and am now home for a couple of days to recharge my batteries. I'm going back down there to be with her this weekend for the wake and funeral.

I think its appropriate that her moms' funeral is on All Souls Day. It's a day to honor the dead. To honor those who have passed. Honor the ancients. Honor the Saints. Some religions look at this day as a dark day, a depressing day. I look at it as a day of celebration. Remembering those who are not with us anymore. Remember the happy times, the times of joy.

Its a time when the "veils" of the worlds are thinnest. When communication with souls is easier to do. If you believe in that way of thinking. I do.

So, i've caught you all up on my adventures of late.

I hope you all have a safe and joyful Halloween/Samhain.

Maybe sometime this weekend, you can light a candle, say a prayer, put a picture out of your loved ones who have passed. Honor them, remember the joy and love you shared with them.

I know I will.

Blessed Be

(The Heart Rock Pic I took in Bar Harbor, Maine)