Thursday, May 1, 2008

Happy May Day!

Today is my good friend Nancys' birthday!

I know I havent written for a while.

I've been a bit down in the dumps, not horribly so but the dark cloud has been looming all the same.

I had my CBC (complete blood count) done and i'm still in the "normal" range although as a nurse told me, my numbers aren't as good as when I had them taken in January. I know that blood counts don't tell the whole story and everyones' fluctuates, so i'm not too worried about it.

This time of year is a bit tough for me. You'd think with all the flowers blooming and the temps getting above freezing (usually) would put everyone in a good mood. Most of the time thats true, but I found out that April is the highest month for suicides. I wonder why?

My view on it is that if you have depression and I do, when spring comes around theres so much pressure to feel good, you are "supposed to" feel motivation and when you don't its such a let down, mostly to the person feeling it, or not feeling it. People want to tell you that you have no reason to feel unhappy. "It's spring, get outside and you'll feel better!" It doesnt work that way unfortunately. It only makes a person feel worse when someone tells them they should be feeling a certain way. We all feel what we feel when we feel it, theres no rules to go by.

So on that depressing note.....

I do feel better today and plan on walking to see my grandmother at her new home at a wonderful nursing facility not a huge ways away. It will be a good long walk. She moved in there a couple of days ago. Her Alzheimers is getting worse and she had to be demoted so to speak, but I think its for the best anyway. This place has so much more to offer and it seems they have more staff to really take care of people on an individual basis.

My mother told me that she doesnt ever want to end up there or anywhere like that, I know my father feels the same way. Can we really choose all the time? Does time sneak up on us before we can say NO!?

Life doesnt always work out that way.

I know some people have said they would never have chemotherapy or go through any kind of suffering. I think we are surprised how much we do put up with. I didnt think i'd go through treatment but I did. I say now that if i get the big C again i'd not do any more treatment, but who really knows? I may have so much more to live for at that time. We just dont know what we'd do until it happens to us.

So, today is Nancys birthday and I'm going to go help her celebrate tonight and over the weekend. I'm going to try and not think about the "what ifs" and just have fun!

Today I'm choosing to live and love

o.k, thats really sappy, but its true!

Maybe we can all try and not judge others today and accept the decisions people make, and our own, and just live!


joshua said...

Magnificent blog.

Let me blossom bless you for it.


Rae said...

Jenn, I love the way you write. You are probably way too wise for your age. I recently lost my job after 15 years and I know this is not important in the long run but I'm finding it hard to understand how people can be so deceitful. To me, loyalty means something - what has happened to that? I am very grateful for my physical wellness and determined not to let this affect it but man! my head is not happy. Spring usually makes me happy. Hugs to you.