Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sorry for the delay in writing.
I'm not feeling inspired to write too much at the moment.
Lately I've been trying to find acceptance with my situation and where I'm at.
That's been challenging.
I met with a good friend yesterday for lunch, she is also a cancer survivor.
One thing we discussed is how other survivors have mentioned how things will never ever go back to where they were before the big C. Its something that changes you in some way that can't be explained.
Maybe it's the facing of death so possibly near?
Maybe it's the poison flooded through veins that changes you?
Who really knows for sure
I've been dealing with frustration of wanting things to go back to the way they were years ago, when I could work several jobs and go out late at night.
Lately I've been dealing with major fatigue and am usually in bed by 10pm.
Tomorrow night I'm going bowling with a friend. Theres a lot of people meeting at the alley who are survivors. The Cancer Community Center is hosting the event for the young survivors ages 18-45 or so. The problem for me is that is starts at 10pm, thats right...starts at 10pm!
I just hope I can make it. I really want to go and have been looking forward to a possible bowling night with the group.
I'm sure my friend who is coming up from NH will keep me awake and we'll get there no problem.
It's just frustrating when I have to think and wonder about this.
I want my energy back, I want a piece of me that I feel I've lost with cancer, I want it back damnit!
I know I have lots to be grateful for, and I do try to remember that. I'm human and have frustrations and challenges too.
Right now it is taking all the energy I have to get out of bed each day and face each small challenge that comes my way.
I know I'll get through it all.
Faith is hard to see at the moment.